As I walk under the bridge in a big city.1
I see the old bum thinking over his fire. 2
I look into the water and see the trash of 3
ages. "Yusta Didnt be like this." Said the old man4
quietly. 5
Walking around in a Southern town. I walk6
past the Alley ride beside the corner store7
I see a mother with a baby buying Meth from 8
a strange man. as she walks by I hear. 9
"Yusta didn't be like this..."10
I hear the children crying because they read11
the newspaper and it had daddy's death report 12
in it. He was at war for the pigs. Momma sobs13
"Yusta didnt be like this."14
Then I look at those with a roof above their15
head, with a full meal. The teenage girl crys16
and screams because daddy wouldn't let17
her take the car. "yusta didnt be like this."18
I see a girl standing in the rain crying because19
her love left her, with a kiss, and a heart shaped20
box full of all the pictures. that's when I hold21
on to the ONE i love and say..."It will never be like this..."22
I LOVE YOU GIRL IN THE RAIN23
Author notes
WEll this is a long shot from what i usually do. But hell i needed a break from depressed town
Did you likie?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Yusta didn't be like this xD . I think this was really deep and emotional and I think you did a great job with it. Mumble, jumble, fumble, awesome job
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Wow, so many sad images to be left with the one of love at the end. Truly shows that through all the hard something good can be found when looking at it the right way.
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DIFFERENT..SPARLING WITH INTEREST...RANDOM...
ENJOYABLE...GREAT REPETITION....GREAT CONCEPT.
WELL DONE
Blair
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Thought the repetition of the words "yusta didnt be like this" very interesting. Had this feeling that it was an old man on the streets telling this child not to make the same mistakes as he did to end up where he was. Good write... excellent read. Thanks for sharing this.
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Oh so sweet, nice. I loved it. great job on it. Capotilize Yusta in line 18, maybe expand it into a story.
Nice repitition, if it rhymed, it could be a song! -
I loved it is great. I absolutly loved the ending. I wish I could read more of your work, but I have to go. TA TA! looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hugs and kisses
CrazyTurtles -
I did likie immensly =]
The repitition made it sound almost song like...
But the ending is most certainly the most beaufitul part =]
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A good idea, smart use of repetition, though some spelling mistakes ruin the whole good impression. All in all a very good piece, just needs a little bit of polishing
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I like the repetition in this piece, it ties it together quite neatly. I found it hard to imagine what you were talking about towards the end, but I guess poetry is like that. Keep up the good work, I think you should stay away from depressed town for a while and work on more stuff like this!
- CC -
i like how you use yusta didn't be lke this over and over again. i think this is well written and flows pretty well. it was a little weird and confusing though.
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Nicely done! I like the repeated line "yusta didnt be like this." - as it ties everything together, and finally added the contrast needed for the statement at the end.
Keep writing! -
It was a little bit wierd and confusing...perhaps you should make it a little clearer.
Other than that, I think the emotions came through nicely. There were a few awkward phrasings and such that you might want to look at too... -
Hm...Interesting I can feel the feelings that you placed in the story. you managed to potray that Yusta is a very important Person. Well done.
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Sort of
It was ok. I mean, you could be a bit more explaining about what is actually going on, because Ifound it weird. -
It's sad and all. I can't decide whether this is a story or a poem. At some points it did sound like a poem, and others it sounded like a story.
I really loved the way you contrasted the people living under a roof and those who didn't.
It's a really good piece, but you might have to do a li'l editting, just a suggestion. Good Job anyways! -
I think this was really good. I do suggest only bringing the lines together so they won't be spaced out. I just learned that myself
Anyhow, you've done very well.
Kari -
I really liked it, sad with a touching ending.
I like the commentary that seems to just point out the problems in our world, and everyone I think can agree..
Except that I think thinks have always been that way, more or less.. people just have problems, -
Beautiful, romantic, heart-felt, sad, real. Real, that's the word I was looking for. I liked the ending a lot. Keep it up!
~Kevan~ -
this isn't too bad i don;t think, but you should really run it through spell check or something...you spelled crys instead of cries...
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This is interesting, different. I can picture it by the way it's been described. It's a beautiful portrayal of the very sad reality of things. It shows pain, suffering, greed, and injustice, and taps into the personal pains of different people. Good ending, too. Good work.
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wow
very intersting piece. i liked it though. i especially loved it at the end about the girl in the rain, which is so beautiful. Also it was really awesome how you said"I you girl in the rain".....but yea thought i would tell you and i have to go
ttyl
much love
Lacey
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