The day was cold when i woke up, it made my bones chilled and alone. I felt vacant and used, totally abused, and maybe even hated. When you live in a home where you dont belong, you feel like you should be gone.... I shifted my eyes to the window and to my door. Door and window closed, just like my parent's hearts after they were decieved by their own daughters choice.1
I picked up my jeans and and tennis shoes, took a shower and then finished gettting ready for a second day of painfull hatred and the sarrow that layed heavy upon my heart. A sappy loveless life i had and such a pointless little frustraition of my own problems.2
DAY 13
Today I went to the doctor, I didnt mean any trouble and didnt want anything to be full of hatred. My gfather wanted to ask questions and i didnt want him in there, maybe it was because i was a prude, but i didnt understand... My birthcontrol suddenly became my resposibility, filling my medication, paying, and taking them... What were they going to do to me? Throw me out if i didnt call them in? I didnt know. 4
.....to be continued....5
Author notes
this is a true event.... just tell me what you think please.
tell me what this sounds like to you
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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At first i didn't understand the title but now i think i get it. I love the way you talked about feeling like you should be gone when you feel like you don't belong. I love it when an expression of writing captures life perfectly and that's what that was. I wish you good luck with your situation and support you in whatever you choose to do about it. It is completely up to you, I wish you the best of luck with it.
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Write more! This is a truly amazing start. It has a poetic feel to it and brings forth a lot of hidden pain. I liked it.
~~Rosalie
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what i think? you need to write more! that's what i think! this was very well written, very good and i can feel the tears and pain that you feel...the very first sentence speaks to me greatly and loudly as i have woken up that way many times myself...
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Amazing start!
The beginning of this piece really sounded like a poem! It was amazing! I'm not too sure what was the decision that made your parents close their hearts, but if you believe that it's the right thing just follow it through. Parents aren't the best judges for everything, fortunately. Nice work! -
Well...
Everyone--well, mostly everyone--goes through this stage in life...don't beat yourself up over it. As for your parents, they should DEFINITELY show you more attention...you know, acknowledge your presence.
Great write, if a few misspellings and grammatical errors.
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interesting, I would really like to know more, Let me know when you decide to continue it!
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Good beginning! Keep writing. I want to see what happens!
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I don't quite understand much after you said Day 1. But this sounds very depressing. Mostly everything I've been reading these days are depressing. Is it because I myself am depressed?
Meh, anyways, nice job 
I hope you continue with this
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You could make it into something really good.
I liked some bits of the first sentence: The day was cold when i woke up, it made my bones chilled and alone.
Except I'm a little uncertain where bones feeling alone comes into it. I can understand her bones feeling chilled, and she feeling alone, but not her bones feeling alone.
Also, in the first sentence, the 'i' should be a capital one, as it is a prounoun.
Of the second sentence, I like the: 'vacant and used' bit quite a bit, especially when I read the last paragraph, because I can see where it fits into the story. 'Totally abused and maybe even hated' was OK, I thought the rhyming was good because it fits with the title. I thought the bit where you wrote 'when you live in a home where you dont belong, you feel like you should be gone...' really ruined it though. It too was rhyming, but it actually felt like you were only writing it because it rhymed and because it sat well with the title, not because it was important or part of the story.
Also 'dont' should have an apostrophe, because it is a contraction - do not.
I think the last line of the first paragraph, where it reads 'deceived by their daughters choice' should instead read 'deceived by my choice' or 'deceived by my mistake', since you've already made it clear the their hearts are closed to 'you', not 'the daughter'.
In the second paragraph, 'painfull', 'sarrow' 'frustraition'and 'layed' are wrong. They should be: 'painful', 'sorrow' 'frustration' and 'lay'. And once again, 'i' needs to be capital. Also get rid of the 'a' in 'and such a pointless little frustration'
The last paragraph is a little bit jumbled. 'Birth control' is two words and all the 'didnt' need to be turned into 'didn't'
I don't think 'prude' is a word, and gfather should be extended to 'grandfather'. All in all the last paragraph feels rushed. -
Yeah. I did not find this downright depressing at all. It did make me yawn.
Always capitalize the important words in a title. Poet and daughter should both be capitalized. Pronouns should be capitalized. You also messed up several contraction words by not adding apostrophes. It's basic English grammar. Birth control is two words, not one.
Also, you made a few spelling errors. There is no 'f' in the word father. Painful only has one 'l'. Sorrow does not have an 'a'. Layed is not a word; laid is what you should use.
In the first paragraph, you sort of rhyme the words. "...where you dont belong, you feel like you should be gone...." and "I felt vacant and used, totally abused..." The rhyming is annoying and sounds too melodramatic for your writing, which seemed bland.
I did not feel any sympathy or any connection to the narrator, which is what you should have been trying to do. The first line is the only thing that really says what the narrator is feeling, and the imagery was lacking.beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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This work, was written in a way that made me feel.I love even the shortest of pieces that take hold of my emotions and turn and twirl like a a whirl wind- if that makes sense.
Beautiful-sad- writing
WELL DONE -
Blair
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Wow... Awww... Very sad. To feel so cut off from the world, so far away from everyone and everything that can help. Nice flowing style, keeping it fluid and making it easy and pleasant to read. Erm, typo 'gfather'. Other than that I didn't see anything I don't think. I thought this was awesome, and if it's still something that's going on I wish you the very best of luck in it. Hopefully everything will be ok. I liked the line 'felt vacant and used', it had something very strong about it. Very distancing and empty. Superb work!
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Interesting read. some spelling mistakes are there, but you used words really in a great way. Every word seems to fit into its place.
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I applaud the fact that you are letting your feelings out and you are doing a good job, keep it up. I would certainly suggest, however, writing your pieces in Word first in order to sort out your spelling etc.
Keep up the good work,
- CC -
this peice is unique but it has some spelling and grammer mistakes. if you just watch this and correct it, you can be an amazing writer.
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Interesting, but watch your spelling and grammer. For instance "second day of painfull hatred and the sarrow that layed heavy upon my heart" should be replaced 'painful' 'sorrow' and 'lay'
Keep writing!beginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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I would like to read more of what has happened. This is a shame that it is a true story. This is interesting, but work on grammar has to be done. Anyway, well done. Kais =)
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It's got a lot of telling us about your emotions, rather than evoking them itself. It needs a little less explanation and a little more showing us where your pain comes from.
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i should be I
dont should be don't
painfull should be painful
sarrow should be sorrow
i should be I
frustraition should be frustration
didnt should be didn't
gfather should be grandfather
i should be I
didnt should be didn't
i should be I
i should be I
didnt should be didn't
It was short, and you didn't give us enough character depth to really relate to the people in your story.
You could have left us with more of a cliffhanger...as it is I'm not sure I would be raring to read the next part.
Revise, revise, revise and you will end up with a great story! It just needs a little work. -
A really sad case. But yes such stuff does happens in the world. Nicely potrayed by you. Definately do write more^_^ Would like to know what happen.Nicely written though.
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Hmmm..
It's quite a nice story so far. I really think you should write more (the to be continued certinaly shows you will). Do you think you could message me when you do write more? I'd love to read it.
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Wow, that's a great job..and the fact that it is from a true event makes it even more amazing. I think that you've done good on starting out and I wish you the best of luck completing it
Kari -
Needs work
I think that this story, above all else, is in need of a lot of work. I think that, if you gave this story your time, patience, and care...it would become something brilliant. As is, it needs a lot of work. IM me when you put more in it. -
this isn't such a bad start...interesting enough to keep people reading i think.
yah...
ps
you spelled getting with 3 t's
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