The Bench

The summer after I graduated high school I took off to the coast. Just to get away from everything that was happening. Graduation, goodbyes, long over due regrets, and just life it self. It took me 5 hours of traffic, bathroom breaks, 5 mix cd’s, and endless thoughts of what was going to happened now. Now that I would be leaving everyone I loved, and move on to another part of my life. Meet new people, live in another town, and a new school. I had waited for this moment since I was young. To finally leave everything behind, and finally be free. Now that it was here I wish I wasn’t growing up as fast as it was happening.1

I finally came to the pier off 178 up in northern California. Where the wind was strong, and temperatures colder than what you would find in southern California. A town small enough to have charm but big enough to not know everyone’s name. I sat on the last bench that was covered with word carvings and years of abuse of young teenagers in love with initials and hearts. At the end of the bench sat a boy in a grey sweatshirt and tan shorts, with dark brown hair, long enough to cover his ears, yet short enough to see his eyes. 2

“ you know this is where I met her?” a broken voice said. I looked at the boy, and he was looking at me with bags under his eyes either from staying up endless nights, crying, or maybe both. Hesitant to answer I did with a broken “oh.” He kept going. 3

“it was when I was 10. I was new to this town. I didn’t know a soul. I remember how I begged my parents to leave back in new jersey, but of course they didn’t listen to me. We moved out here after my dad got a job. I remember I rode my bike down here the first day I got here. She was standing on this bench, her brown hair blowing in the wind, and she had a white dress on. I went and stood next to her hoping she would say something. Hoping I would make a friend that would make me want to stay here. She looked at me and laughed ‘are you visiting?’ I responded ‘no. I’m here to stay, just moved here’ she jumped off the bench and looked me in the eye, “ I like you, you know that?” confused from what she had said I asked her what she meant. And she just told me ‘I mean I like you. I like your hair, and how your new around here. I’ve been here my whole life. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think your not like everyone else around here. I just know things about people when I meet them. My mom said it’s a gift God gave me.’ She giggled. Touched my arm and yelled “tag your it!” I chased her from that day on. Until the game was over, until I fell in love with her.”4

He wasn’t looking at me anymore. He was staring at the ocean, mesmerized in memories about this girl. To me she was still a nameless girl, with brown hair, but to him she was everything. “ what’s her name?” I asked. He smiled and laughed “Madeline Love Cisneros was her name she was born with and died with.” Suddenly I realized this boy wasn’t here from a breakup or just a walk. He was here to mourn the death of Madeline Love Cisneros. “oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to..” I stuttered out with my tongue. “ no. its okay. You don’t need to be sorry. I mean. I don’t know.” His voice ended with a break, and tears he wiped of with his grey sleeves. With out another word he kept going.5

“ she was my best friend. We were inseparable. We were in love. I swear I was blind until I met her. She showed me everything I needed to know. She was everything I will ever need. You know how they say God makes a soul mate for you to love, and spend your time and life with on earth. Madeline was my soul mate, and without her I’ve been a mess. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I wake up and come here everyday hoping I’ll see her standing on the bench with her white dress and hair blowing in the wind, but I don’t. We used to sit over there on the beach, and watch the ocean. Smoking cigarettes, drink, and just sit and talk about what was going to happened after high school, after we were married. We were going to move to New York, and travel Europe.”6

He stopped for a couple minutes maybe to catch his breathe, or wipe away unwanted tears. I stared at him hoping I would come to some kind of realization how this boy was so sure about something and be so young. How he could have been so sure about commitment, and so sure he loved this girl. How mature he was compared to me who was most likely about 2 years older. “ you know” I said “ it has to hurt real bad before it gets better. Im not saying to forget about her, but would she want you to be this way? Don’t you think she’d want you to smile to know that you guys loved once?”7

“ the worst part was when they lowered the casket. Knowing that all our dreams were right there in that coffin lying next to her. that was the worst day of my life. It was that feeling you get when your really little, and you get lost in the mall and can’t find your mom. That feeling in your stomach, yeah that’s how I felt.”8

He pulled out his wallet, and a picture that had been folded, and unfolded just a little too many times. It was a picture of a pretty girl with delicate features, and long brown hair. She was laughing, and you could see tiny freckles sprinkled on her nose, and blue eyes. Next to her was his familiar face smiling. It was one of those pictures no body meant to took, but in the end your glad it happened. On the back of the picture was delicate handwriting. “ you mean the world to me. You’re the only boy I would walk to china for. I need you more than life itself. Don’t ever leave me.”9

“ I never left her. I never will. She’ll always be the one. Mom says ill find some one new. I probably will, but ill never love them as much as I love her. Ill never be as close to them as I was to her. She was the first girl I ever kissed, loved, needed, wanted, and missed. No one will be as beautiful as she is. I mean was. I guess change is something that’s going to happened you know? I guess somewhere im going to need to grow up. God I miss Madeline so much.”10

We stayed there talking for about 15 more minutes until the moon chased the sun away. This boy made me realize so much. That sometimes you just have to say good bye even if your not ready. It’s not where or not your ready, it’s when it happens you just have to live with it. Missing her would never bring Madeline back, and he knew that I guess living within memories of her just made it so much easier to live with everything. On the way back home I realized how selfish I was for everything. For missing people who were still there, and here was this boy who’s whole life was pulled out from under him. Here I was driving 90 miles an hour thinking of how this is life. I need to just savoir the moment of being young instead of dwell on how fast time is going by. Sometimes when I go back to that pier I can see Madeline standing on that bench with her hair blowing in the wind, and her white dress as well waiting for the nameless boy to come back.11