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The park is full of strangers.2
But they all come here everyday, they have nowhere else to go.3
so they come here.4
Gabriel lyies there under the trees in complete darkness. shadows cash by the leaves that consume every drop of light leaving him to writhe in complete black.5
Gabriel claws his way further and further into the dirt, his nails have long since worn away and his only company is the worm, that waits for his death so that he can feast on his eyes.6
Gabriel is crushed under a huge branch that fell on him countless years ago, now he is stuck.7
he twists and turns and arches and screams to be in the sun. to feel the breeze, to be that man stood in the sun. but his legs are trapped.8
it hurt to begin with, gradualy breaking them so that he could move, now they are a pulp in skin tubes and he is free to squirm as a snake cut in half.9
and every day he is taunted by the smells of the outside that the grey wind blows in.10
the acrid smell of plant blood.11
Gabriel cares not for plants, he thinks the boy is doing well, maybe one day he will try to crush the tree.12
and maybe the boy will find Gabriel.13
Author notes
okay this might be a little different
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Wow. This is really good! Its intreging. I think you should make it longer, continue it.
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Wow, this is extremely interesting. A nice dark write.
You do repeat the name "Gabriel" a lot though, where you could instead use a pronoun, and there are some spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors that should be fixed, but other than that, this is good!
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Wow, creepy!
Okay, you should definitely add more onto this--It's very interesting. The imagery is nicely crafted, BUT...you have loads upon loads of misspelling in this story. What I would suggest, is you proof-read through the entire story looking for mistakes like, punctuation, paragraph structure...blah blah blah...I could go on, but I won't.
Great start though. (I'd give applause, but I'm saving up. SORRY)
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Yes, its different but it covered a limited scene. Overall, it was fine. Your explanation was okay.
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hmmm
This story needs some improvement. I was confused from beginning to end and, on top of that, there were several grammatical errors. I think that you just need some time and patience to work with this piece. Good luck on working with this piece. -
This story needs some improvement. I was confused from beginning to end and, on top of that, there were several grammatical errors. I think that you just need some time and patience to work with this piece. Good luck on working with this piece.
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I must agree with the person before me, This is much like Edgar Allan Poes writing. I love the the imagery, and your usage of words. It was a bit on the dark side, but that just made it all the better! Wonderful work!
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Freaky
Very much like the writing of Eadgar Allan Poe. -
Ooh... Nice! Very good imagery! It was a bit foul, but still, very nicely written! I loved it. And my language arts teacher thinks my writing is twisted.
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Twisted for sure, foul imagary- but done so in a way that kept me hook to the page and at the end of the day- That is what counts- simple and sweet !!!
Good write
Blair !!!!!
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Wow, what digusting imagery. Lol.
A little different, a little perverse, but it was good nonetheless. I would suggest proofreading it, as there were several easy grammatical errors.
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0_0.... So they could feast on his eyes....... ewwwwwww! Sickening. But very well done. And different indeed. Good job, this as amazingly original. You need full stops and commas though... a lot of them. No spelling errors that I saw though, so congrats for that! Very good job on everything here. Nice pace, and some very disgusting imagery. Lol. Thanks, I... well, enjoyed is not the right word for this kind of story, but I thought it was superbly done and a very very good piece so keep it up!
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a littel different? heh just a tad.. but very original... watch your grammar... and spelling was good and make sure you keep it original like you have here!! thats teh best kinda stuff!!!
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Watch your pucuation, and make sure you CAP thing, like the begginging of a new sentence. But other words, great story, scary
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L4 needs a capital letter at the start.
"lyies" = lies
Hm...this is odd. O.O But interesting. xD My brain is a bi distracted right now, soI can't grace you with a good response. xD
-HT -
That was pretty scary, actually, but I liked it alot...
Is there mooore?
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WHAT HAPPENS NEXT??? And yes that statement does deserve full caps and 3 question marks. this is completely unique and has got my attention increadibly. One other question. What is there to eat down there
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Different
Different from the other I read. But I like it. The images I perceived in my mind were dark. Like it was raining, or just after sunset. I really like it, and will have to read more. There are however a few capital letters missing from the beginnings to your sentences. This kind of annoys me. I don`t know why. Just a small pet-peeve.
Great, keep writing!
-Kieran
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I'm not really sure I get this. Call me stupid but I have no idea what's happening in this, maybe explain things a bit better.
Good descriptions, this bit sent a shiver down my spine:
his only company is the worm, that waits for his death so that he can feast on his eyes.
That creeped me out. A lot of grammatical errors but this story certainly has potential to become a horrifically creepy horror story; keep working at it!
Good Write!
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Proofreading errors like caps, spelling, etc. beautifully morbid/sic, tho!
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Fine...but you need to edit this. A lot of your spelling and grammer needs checking, and your characterization is a bit strange.
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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Hmmm... Gabriel sounds inhuman somehow. The "countless years" part is probably the clue that I'm looking for... and then there's the boy. Who is this boy?
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Is Gabriel a tree, hahahaha? I am sorry. Maybe it's supposed to be a spooky story or something. Maybe my mind is not straight, haha. And funny though, i laughed at this.
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Spooky. This was really spooky.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Diffrent, but pretty interesting. It is pretty neat though, I like it.
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some typos, but you can fix them by reading it and editting. I think it's really good and deep.
Good JOb! -
I love the name gabriel.. it was.. pretty neat indeed though.. .Very different, id say... Kinda creepy.. in the good way
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Um...ewww...His legs?! squirm...snake?! I am speechless
That was a little strange and it didn't have capitals and such...like it should...keep working at it ^.^
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This piece is littered with bad grammar, like not capitalizing letters, using commas at odd spots, and sometimes it just doesn't flow.
However, keep at it, I can see you have an imagination and writing skills, you just need to tone them better.
Keep writing, with practice it will come. That's what its all about anyway, to improve
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Mmm...
This story needs some improvement. I was confused from beginning to end and, on top of that, there were several grammatical errors. I think that you just need some time and patience to work with this piece. Good luck on working with this piece.
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