LEGEND-Part One: DARKNESS COMETH

Part One: The Darkness Cometh

Swords rust, armors vibrant colors fade, and the people behind the helmet always depart this life. Yet the legends and accomplishments of those behind the cold steel helmets, always live on, not matter if they are good or evil. A tale of one such man that has passed is Sir Drake, a young knight in the Kingdom of Lionels who’s journey to defeat the darkness of the lands, would bring him fame and fortune. One of his greatest accomplishments would be the trials he had to overcome for a King, for a friend, to do battle with the Lord of the Darkwood; Vomed.

Light breaks through a window, scattering the nights mist from the chamber. A young man lying in his bed wakes as the golden rays cascade onto his scared face, removing the night from his eyes. He examines the room as his senses are still dull, and the feeling of the world on his shoulders is evident from his posture. Rising from his position on the bed to the cold wood floor, he makes his way over to a porcelain bowl filled with cold clear water. He gently splashes the cold liquid on his weary face, washing what was left of sleep back into the bowl. He dries off his face and looks into a mirror over the washing bowl. He examines his face and body. A scar on his face that runs from the left temple to his sturdy chin, this was gained from the battle with Bariem Chimera. His gaze focuses downwards to his right side; his ribs are visibly deformed from them not healing correctly after they were damaged during the Siege of Fort Ueego. His young eyes finally come across the largest of his scars. Tracing the scar with his hand, the wound stretches from the right ear lobe to his navel. This scar is the largest and deepest of his set. This wound represents a day in which his life was forever changed. Sensations of numbing pain and fire on this wound occasionally come and go as does day and night.

Drake’s mind begins to slip to that fateful, but he is interrupted by a knock on his chamber door.

“Enter.” Said Drake as his weariness is still very apparent in his young gruff voice. The ebony chamber door opens slowly as a young servant boy steps in, slightly nervous.

“My…my…my lord, the…the.” The servant boy continues to stutter on his words and Drake become quickly agitated.

“For the glory of god, speak boy!” yelled Drake startling the young servant boy.

“King Daniel…has arrived…he…he wants to speak with you.” Announced the young boy with the stutter still slightly apparent in his voice. Drake took a deep breath in, and slowly exhaled, calming himself from the anger and frustration that had been there just moments ago.

“Pudge, take care of King Daniel, I will be done momentarily.” Said Drake letting out another sigh. Pudge, the young servant boy, scurries off to take on the current task at hand. When the large ebony chamber door closes, Drake finishes his cleansing of the night and proceeds to dress himself for his chat with the King. After dressing himself in garbs fit for an appearance with the King, Drake proceeds out the chamber and down the flight of stairs. Upon reaching the landing Drake sees King Daniel, but not all seems right. King Daniel is slumped in a chair, something that a King would never do, his face hidden in darkness, not showing the proud brave face, the one face that moves armies, the one that conquers kingdoms, the face of leader hidden in a vale of shadows.

“King Daniel what honor you bring me by coming to my home.” Announces Drake hoping to see his leader’s face brighten. “My King, what is the matter?”

The King stands and walks sluggishly toward the massive stone hearth; the glow from the blazing fire cast his silhouette on the cobble stone floor, and the shadow dances in perfect rhythm with the flames. The face of the King is finally revealed, the young King is pale with blood shot eyes. The magnificence that a King must have seems to have been washed away. The King begins to speak, parting his dried lips.

“Drake, my dear friend. I come to you not as a King, but as a man on the edge of doom.” stated King Daniel with the sorrow of a hundred men filling the room. “My lovely Queen, Jezebel, has been taken from me…we thought that this was merely a scheme by some fools and would request ransom for her return. This thought was merely what it was, a thought and nothing more, for my scouts found the true person behind this latest scheme.” King Daniel turned towards Drake and the eyes of the great King seemed to be filled with fear. “It is the man of the shadows, the one who devoured men’s souls, it is Lord Vomed of the Darkwood.” A fire begins to burn deep within Drake’s soul as the name eats away at his very being. Drake sees this as an opportunity and comes to his Kings side.

“Daniel, what do you need from me?” asked Drake.

“Drake, I request you to venture to Darkwood, and rescue my Lady Jezebel.”

King Daniel moves away from the hearth and sits himself next to Drake; his massive shadow dances it’s last as the shadow fades away. “Please, Drake, will you perform this task? Our fathers assisted each other in many challenging situations. This is the last time I will implore you to return to serve as a Knight.

Drake gazes into the flames as they lick the walls of hearth and recalls the last time he had heard mention of Lord Vomed.

A decade ago Lord Vomed massed a great force and marched onto numerous cities and kingdoms, destroying all that was in his path. And for one year, everyone feared this man of darkness, this devourer of souls. During Vomed’s campaign he met in battle with the Kingdom of Lionels at the base of Mount Ihilo. The warriors clashed with each other in a struggle between metal and magic. During this great battle the current King of Lionels, Gregor, would perish to Vomed’s blade. This death would only push his son, Daniel, to fight harder, and so in the end, Vomed was forced to retreat, losing over half of his Black Guard.

Retreating, Vomed returned to the Citadel of Black Stone, deep within the confines of Darkwood. There Vomed began rebuilding the Black Guard and prepared his next attack. In a desperate gambit, Lord Aaron, Drake’s father, traveled to the Citadel with a small party of warriors. Drake was of the age of ten and was serving his father as a squire, he traveled with his father to Darkwood, hoping to see the Dark Lord himself and even battle him if it was possible. This day and this battle was going to be one of horror and sorrow. Aaron and Vomed met each other, metal on metal, a battle between the two generals. Drake watched in horror as his father was struck down by Vomed’s sorcery. The young squire filled with rage grabbed his fathers sword and struck Vomed in his side, leaving a massive wound. Out of rage for being wounded for the first time, Vomed swings his own cursed blade and cuts Drake from his earlobe to navel before he retreats into the shadows. Drake with the last of his strength and determination made his was out of Darkwood and back to his home, were he vowed that one day he would defeat Vomed for good.

Now, after ten years, Vomed reappears after being mortally wounded and captures Lady Jezebel. King Daniel clears his throat jolting Drake from his reminiscing and reminding him, he was anxiously awaiting a reply.

“Daniel, I will honor this request,” responds Drake. “I will take up sword and adorn my armor one last time to retrieve you Queen, my lord.”

Daniel rises from his chair and his spirits are high.

“Thank-you, Drake; remain alert and return swiftly!" Drake escorts his old friend to the door of his manor. As in doing so Daniel hands his a piece of blood stained parchment.

“This is a map to that cursed place Drake.” explained Daniel. “It took two weeks and three parties of twenty scouts to find the entrance and location…only one returned from the last party with this blood stained map, his and the others sacrifices are not in vain.” Drake gives his farewell to Daniel and lets out s suppressed sigh as the doors close behind him.

“Mary!” yelled Drake from the main chamber to the young servant girl in the kitchen. She comes out, dressed in plain servant clothes, her hair in a bun. “Find Pudge and tell him to prepare my horse, you will find my fathers armor and meet me in my chamber. I depart on the rising of the new sun.” Mary gives a lady like bow and goes off to find her brother.

Night consumed the light of day and the moon rose to the heights of the heavens seeming like an eye watchful eye over the world of humans below. Off the coasts of Lionel’s Castle a storm of abnormality formed, a massive cloud, blacker than night itself, moved over the lands of King Daniel. Lightning struck and walls of this mighty King crumbled and slowly, like poison in their veins, the serfs and nobles that dwelt within these walls became stone, unmoving living statues. An unbreakable curse cast by the man of oblivion, Vomed. No one would ever know of the events that transpired here, for none escaped.

Darkness dissolves once more and Drake is out of his bed and eating a meager meal of bread and a water downed soup. After consuming this tasteless meal, Drake proceeded to his chamber, finding Mary left his fathers armor as he requested. The armor is a deep green and gold. On the chest plate is a gold crescent that states the honor in which had been gained through years of battle and loyalty to King Gregor. Beneath the crescent was a cross in gold, this symbol represents the time Drake’s father took an oath to protect the town of Seles whenever they called. After adorning his father’s armor, Drake walks over to a chest. Drake gently opens the top revealing a gleaming broad sword with a silver and gold hilt. Taking the sword into his own hands, the scar that Vomed inflicted seems to burn, and the pain reminds Drake of how close he came to dying ten years ago. His courage falters slightly, his resolve wavers and in his mind are visions of that battle where his father was slain. Drake takes a moment to regain what he had lost. While doing so a knocking sound is heard coming from his front door.

“I’ll see who it maybe.” stated Drake, wondering if it is Daniel to see him off. When opening the Drake sees an elderly man dressed in blue robes with gold lining the edges. The old man takes a step forward towards Drake, revealing an ivory cane.

“I am Gratha, wizard from the western city of Marsia.” Gratha examines Drake. “Indeed your father would be proud of you young man.” Gratha then gestures towards the sword in the hand of Drake. “Please let me see that sword…”

Drake relinquishes the sword reluctantly.

“Your father and I were good friends during my younger years…we traveled together during my pilgrimage.” Gratha looks over every inch of the sword, searching for something.

Drake peers at the man in a state of confusion. “You knew my father?”

“Yes Drake, your father and I after my pilgrimage stuck side by side during the formation of the Lionel’s Kingdom and the civil war that followed.” Gratha waves his hand over the sword and chants a few incantations and the sword glows a deep red color, the sword also begins to change, the sword becomes slightly longer with side becoming covered in jagged teeth and the other smooth and yet sharp enough to cut through solid stone. “There, now this is the true sword of your father. It is called Retribution. This sword will become your light in the darkest of time; this is your final resort Drake, use it well.”

Taking the newly formed sword in hand, Drake is in awe of the lightness of the sword, and yet the strength he feel slowing through the hilt into his body, is indescribable. Gratha then beckons Drake out into the world.

“I will accompany you Drake to the woods border, but that as far as I dare travel, even my power wane in the presence of this monster of darkness.” Drake nods and without a word to his servants he departs with Gratha to the entrance of Darkwood.

Following the blood stained map, they went through the Marshes of Belsat and through the Canyon of Dynes. Never did they once encounter a beast or underling of Vomed. After two moons rose and fell, they were upon the entrance of a mortal hell. Gratha stopped short of the entrance and his breathing was slightly labored.

“Gratha are you sick?” asked Drake helping the old wizard to his feet.

“I am fine Drake, it is the power of Vomed that weakens me.” answered Gratha. “Drake if I am correct from the visions I have had, you will face three perils or tests…I am not sure of what you are to expect, but it will take every once of your being to pass them and destroy Vomed’s darkness.”

Drake nodded and turned towards the woods.

“If ever you feel as if you are in trouble, listen for the wind to give you guidance.” Gratha bowed slightly and faded in a mist from the area around Darkwood.

Taking a deep breath in, Drake stepped in the woods leaving the world of light behind. The woods are grotesque, warped from the dark magic from the man of shadows. The trees bark was charred as if the fires from hell licked at them. The woods were not dead, yet alive. The trees moaned and let out blood chilling shrills. Every movement that Drake made was carefully observed by the demons of the trees. Walking cautiously through the woods, Drake found a large steel door. Above the door is a sign that says: Labyrinth of Chaos. 1

Author notes

a/n: This is a work in progress, but this is what will happen in part one. Soon part two will be out.

Whats your opinion?

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    August 21, 2007
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    scenery, interesting characters and smooth plotting.

    Great scenery, interesting characters and smooth plotting.

    Since this is the first time I read your work, and you admit it hasn’t been edited, I will only comment on the contents.

    Slay the evildoer and rescue the damsel, in this case the King’s lover, is ancient theme that dates back to the earliest storytellers—still it retains its popularity and you’ve handled it properly. You have introduce Sir Drake, already tested in battles, who will willingly sacrifice himself if necessary. We have the suffering King and the kidnapped victim. You might consider calling her something besides Jezebel—that name rings of sexual improprieties. (Unless that’s intentional.)

    On the other side is the Dark Lord Vomed, who killed the young warrior’s father. Now vengeance is added to loyalty for the king and desire to save the queen. So you have a grand plot.

    The writing itself is clear, and the action visible. I would like to read more.
    But I would just have to make corrections (grin)
    Thumbs up
    Geri
    PS you may have a double post or none at all--things don't always go well for me.

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    August 21, 2007

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    Interesting characters, good plotting,

    Since this is the first time I read your work, and you admit it hasn’t been edited, I will only comment on the contents. Slay the evildoer and rescue the damsel, in this case the King’s lover, is ancient theme that dates back to the earliest storytellers—still it retains its popularity and you’ve handled it properly. You have introduce Sir Drake, already tested in battles, who will willingly sacrifice himself if necessary. We have the suffering King and the kidnapped victim. You might consider calling her something besides Jezebel—that name rings of sexual improprieties. (Unless that’s intentional.)
    On the other side is the Dark Lord Vomed, who killed the young warrior’s father. Now vengeance is added to loyalty for the king and desire to save the queen. So you have a grand plot. The writing itself is clear, an action visible. I would like to read more. But I would just have to make corrections (grin)

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • Pray For Me
    April 26, 2007

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    Excellent. I'm going to have to read the other part of this. I hope you continue to write. Take care!

    October


  • NikkiR
    May 30, 2006

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    Great Write

    This is brilliant. I love it. I noticed a couple of errors in the piece however.

    The first is where you have put:

    'like an eye watchful eye over the world of humans below.'

    I think you actually mean '...eye watchful over the world...'

    I also noticed a slight error in the following:

    'he feel slowing through the hilt'

    I think you meant: '...felt flowing...'

    you have also put:

    'every once of your being'

    You missed the u on ounce.

    Sorry about the pickiness - I'm afriad that is just me. I spot everyone's spelling errors but never my own.

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Darkness Princess
    April 6, 2006

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    Cool! It was pretty cool, but i'm still sold on your other story! sorry! anyway, i think you could do better with the draw out. The way you just kinda drop off when they leave for the forest and they get there but nothing happens. Maybe you could add a bit more conversation between Drake and Gratha maybe about his father. That's just me as i always say! well it's still a good story. I loved the imagery and the words you used are great! c ya! hope you post the next chapter of both stories soon!

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Golden Guardian
    April 4, 2006

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    I really like this! It just has the feel of a legend, and as I was reading, I could see the characters and what they were doing. I wish you would have described more of his journey through the forest, though. I really do love dark forests like that. I think his relationship with the King should have been made apparent before he called the King by his name. I had expected the King to get angry or something, but since they were life friends, he didn't. I also found it odd that he trusted the wizard right away (just because he changed the sword!). I, personally, don't trust wizards, and it seemed a little odd that he trusted him with just a name and the statement that the wizard and his father had been friends. I always find stories written in present tense a little awkward to read, but I think you did it well. I do like this, and am eager to read more.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 8.


  • Babygirl4ever
    April 1, 2006

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    I thought it was quite a good read, stories on other times are always an intresting. I like the use and flow of the details. I think the length of the story is perfect. I can't wait to read more of your work.

    beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, overall: 6, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • Nocturne Moderators member
    April 1, 2006

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    Good start.

    (((I did my best to put this into paragraphs for an easier read but the site ate all my linebreaks so you get this blob of words)))

    Well, my first reaction upon seeing the title was "what in the world". It was Shakespeare meeteth dragonlance and made me want to run away. Far away. (Although I'm not sure if middle English was much used in Shakespeare's time...).

    Right I read on.

    The very first line had a grammar mistake. Armors is plural. Armor's is possessive. [many armors, armor's colors]. A little thing? Yes.

    But I think it matters nevertheless. Reading the first paragraph I noticed that you use a lot of word, perhaps unnecessary, repeating yourself.

    For example

    Yet the legends and accomplishments of those behind the cold steel helmets [repetition of helmets], always live on, not matter if they are [felt unnecessary. perhaps "both good and evil" would have been sufficient?] good or evil. A tale of one such man that has passed [you have already stated that he is one such man. Why the repetition?] is Sir Drake, a young knight in the Kingdom of Lionels who's [whose because "who's" is "who is"] journey to defeat...

    And there were places like that later on as well. It just gave the story an unpolished look that was wearying.

    Ignoring grammar technicalities and sentence structure (All very important, don't get me wrong.) I thought that it was well put together and descriptive.

    The varied word choice throughout and the imagery was enjoyable. The characters seemed a little underdeveloped. [their reactions at least seemed very polished]Still I'd say this is a very good start.

    You have an ear for the language and a feel for the narrative. Keep writing. =]

    beginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 3, overall: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.


  • Doomfiend
    March 31, 2006

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    I love the imagination here. You have created very real characters with the language you used in the dialogue.
    One problem though: You seem to switch between past and present tense a lot. It's mostly present but some phrases are past, which is a little weird. My advice is to use past tense, because present tense is very difficult to work with.
    Apart from that your writing style is fluent and seems to flow really well, with good use of sentence length, etc. Well done!

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • twilight seduction
    March 30, 2006

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    Oh, very intriguing. I like the writing style in and of intself, it's so hard to find someone who will write in 2nd person. You do a good job with it, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Also, you have some good word usage, making Daniel eloquent, and Drake seemingly very gruff to hide his interior feelings.

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 10, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • la petite sirene
    March 29, 2006

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    neat story

    I like this so far. Great choice of character names! I love Pudge, it's so cute (although "cute" probably wasn't what you were going for!!). Medieval stories are awesome.

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • buffytheparrotslaye
    March 29, 2006

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    Excellent

    A most compelling read with an edgy plot .The characters are well defined and the story line is handled well.This has the makings of great movie material and I read avidly to the end which was phenomenal.Look forward to the continuation.Many congratulations my friend.Elizabeth.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 5, characters: 4.

1 - 12 of 12