[She’s here] 1
I awoke to a world of strangled whispers. Bright starlight seeped through the dense canopy, the only hope in a sordid world. My lips parted gently in a subtle gasp as I began to comprehend where I was – or more, where I wasn’t. For I was not even close to being in the bed where I had just recently cried myself to sleep.2
What a lovely nightmare I had awoken into.3
I was alone, beautifully alone. Alone in a black forest, desolate, empty and all I could ever have hoped for. Of all the questions that flooded my mind, Where am I, and how did I get here, were not some of them. Instead, I wondered what had taken me so long to make my escape.4
[Awake. She lives.]5
Trembling slightly, I brushed my hand gently across my face, wiping away a drop of stained blood that clung to my eyelashes like a morbid teardrop. I stared at it a moment before hesitantly placing my bloody finger between my shaking lips. The drop caressed my tongue like a forgotten lover, leaving its alluring sweetness even after it had trickled down my throat. I sighed as I realized the blood was not my own.6
But whose was it then?7
[Help us.]8
Whispers broke the silent night air, lifeless and hopeless. The air pulsed with an unseen force. It pulsed in perfect rhythm to my heart that slammed relentlessly against my ribs. I suddenly became aware that I was lying in a pile of decaying leaves and rotting life. I stumbled to get up my hand slamming against the tree as I struggled to pull my self out of the carnage.9
[Deliver us. Deliver us from the evil that has been wrought upon us].10
The tree throbbed under my hands. With every morbid beat, warm liquid sprayed over my pale fingers. I staggered away, shrieking in terror, nearly tripping over the pile of gore that I had just pulled myself out of.11
My hands were covered in sticky, crimson blood.12
[Living. Silent screams and pain filled lies.]13
I gasped in horror as realization struck.It was no electricity nor was it any natural phenomenon that made the forest beat with such eerie regularity. The forest pulsated with an unnatural heartbeat. The blood that I had found on my hands came from the trees themselves, blood that ran through their limbs as surely as the blood that ran through my freezing veins. And the horrifying whispers that flooded my mind were nothing other than the silent pleas of the brutal trees.14
The forest was horribly alive.15
And it wanted something from me. 16
***17
“What do you want from me?” The whisper barely made it out of my throat, making a noise that sounded more like a frog’s croak than actual words. Fear seeped through my pores as waves of numbness rolled through my bloodstream. An uncontrollable shaking consumed my body, leaving me quivering like one of the thousands of leaves that surrounded me.18
All the while my heart slammed relentless against my ribs, slammed in perfect unison with the beating of the forest.19
[Come closer.]20
Before I could so much as ask who – or what – I was supposed to get closer to, I felt a subtle tugging at the edge of my mind. Some consciousness entwined itself around me, pulling me forward like an invisible noose around my neck. 21
“What,” I began, startled by this invading presence in my head.22
[Just follow me] The whispers hissed. 23
The invisible noose around my neck compelled me to follow.24
I barely noticed the branches that snapped out of my way as I followed the incessant pulling in my mind. Deeper and deeper I ventured into the forest, lost in the echoing whispers of the dark woods.25
As suddenly as it had started, the tugging stopped.26
[Look at me] the whispers demanded. My eyes sluggishly lifted to gaze at the monstrosity I had been led to. I stood among the roots of a gigantic tree, so tall I had to crane my neck to see its uppermost branches. I gasped as I looked upon its hideous, misshapen trunk. Its trunk was twisted and rotten, covered with numerous knots and fissures in the bark. Its branches were bare except for a precious few leaves, which seemed to be decaying even as they clung hopelessly to the swaying limb. 27
“What do you want from me?” I whispered again, wrapping my arms loosely around my thin body. 28
[I need your help] 29
“What do you need me to do?”30
[I need you to free me. Free me from this monster I have become.]31
I had gone completely numb inside. I was no longer thinking for myself, no longer filled in with any emotion. All I was capable of doing was listening to the deranged whispers of the forest around me and make my automatic, mechanical responses. 32
“Why do you need to be freed? What were you before you were a tree?”33
[I was human. I was just like you.]34
For the second time since my awakening, I blanched in horror as another realization struck. Not only was the forest alive. I was lost in a forest where the trees were infused with the trapped souls of living people.35
“How can I help you?” I cried, shaking uncontrollably. My shrill shrieks startled the trees, making the whispers that flooded the cool night air frantic and afraid. Tainted tears ran down my cheeks as, for the first time ever, I wished I could go home.36
[Amongst my roots you should find a large axe. Pick it up.]37
I nodded silently as I searched hysterically for the axe. Maybe, I told myself, the sooner I help the tree, the sooner I would awaken from this nightmare.38
[Quicker!] The tree hissed angrily. [I’ve waited so long for this moment…]39
“Then you can wait a bit longer!” I sobbed angrily as I finally found the axe. Clutching it awkwardly, I hoisted the unwieldy axe up to my chest. “Now what do you want me to do?”40
[I need you to hack me open...Find my heart...]41
I was too frightened to argue. I lifted the axe high above my head, and swung it deep into the disfigured trunk. 42
Instantly the forest broke out into cries of dismay and pain as the other trees watched me hew away at the rotten tree. Hot blood spewed everywhere, drenching me and staining my pale skin. Still I hacked away, immune to the screams or scorching blood that covered me. I had to reach its heart. I had to set it free 43
Finally, after what seemed like hours of relentless chopping and stabbing, I saw a faint pulsing under a thin piece of gory bark. I dropped the axe with a thankful sigh and hooked my skeletal fingers around the slice. Ripping it back, my fingers brushed against the thumping heart. It pulsated excitedly under my touch.44
[That’s it] The tree whispered anxiously. [Now just lay your hand against it]45
I bit my lip as I slowly drew my hand up level to the heart. Closing my eyes and murmuring a prayer, I slammed my hand against the beating heart.46
Pain exploded in the palm of my hand. Screaming in agony, I wrenched my hand away just to see a thin sliver of wood burying itself in my hand. I stared in terror as it worked its way up my arm, leaving a horrible trail of purple bruising along my ivory skin. In places where my veins were close to the surface of my skin, I could see the sliver racing like fire through my veins. The fiery pain and bruising along my arm was a perfect way to mark the progress of the splinter. I screamed louder as the shard of wood traversed slowly into my chest, the burning pain bursting into scorching agony.47
[Free!] The tree boomed at the same time the splinter plunged deep within my heart. 48
I shrieked in agony. I looked down in shock and horror at my chest as the blossom of bruises hardened into a thick brown crust. I looked down in horror as I watched the purple bruises turn to bark on my skin.49
“No!” I yelled fighting to scrape the bark off my chest. “I will not become like you! I will not lose my freedom!”50
[Freedom's just a game that's played around here...]51
The bark now completely covered my chest and was moving down my body to cover my legs; at the same time, it continued to creep up my neck, a sliver of it creeping over my lips. With the last bit of movement I had left, I managed to turn my head to look at the tree. Or, more exactly, what used to be the tree. As quickly as the bark was covering my body, it was melting off his. And just as the bark encased itself around my head, covering my eyes, I saw the bloodied boy collapse to the ground.52
“Free,” he whispered. “Free to move and feel again.” He stared at his hands in wonder as he laced his fingers together in front of his nose.53
Awkwardly getting to his feet, he took his first uncertain steps into freedom, pausing only to look back and spit on my trunk.54
My heart slammed against the inside of my trunk, slamming in perfect unison with the rest of the forest.55
***56
An eternity passed in the choked silence of the strangled whispers and unspoken lies. Unable to move, unable to feel, I waited in morbid stillness for my freedom.57
It came one day, when a lost little girl awoke to find herself in our dark little wood. My freedom came that day when that girl awoke in Hell. 58
Finally I was the strongest one in the forest. It was my words, which strained to seep out of the pores in my leaves that brought her to me, my mind that was strong enough to bind itself around her and bring her to me. 59
“What do you want fron me,” she whispered in terror. For a moment I felt a twang of pity somewhere deep within my trunk. But its hard to feel compassion when you’re a tree, especially when you were cheated into the existence as I was.60
[I need you to help me] 61
The girl listened, her face blank, as I gave her my instructions.62
All the while my heart slammed relentlessly inside my trunk, slamming in perfect unison with the rest of the forest.63
A contest entry
- ALL FANTASY STORIES COME!! by Yo-Amoro-Tu.
160 points, ended March 27, 2007, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Nicely Done
I can be quite honest here and tell you that I loved the beginining of your piece. You have a stunning mastery of the English language and I felt that I was drawn in.
My criticisms however, lie in the fact that I feel it was too quickly brought to a conclusion. In other words, I think the beginning built up beautifully, but by the time your character was chopping into the tree, it was speeding up, and there was little left of the almost decadent style you began with.
And, as a tree, I feel the experiences and feelings of the character could be expanded upon.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read such a lovely piece of work, and keep writing!! -
Descriptive and very Imaginative
Favorite lines and passages:
"The forest was horribly alive."15
"And it wanted something from me." 16
For the second time since my awakening, I blanched in horror as another realization struck. Not only was the forest alive. I was
lost in a forest where the trees were infused with the trapped souls of living people.35
It was no electricity nor was it any natural phenomenon that made the forest beat with such eerie regularity.
This sentence starts off a little awkward. At least for me. "It was no electricity nor was it any . . . " This is the part that you may
want to consider revising.
In passage 14:
". . . blood that ran through my freezing veins."
18
". . . waves of numbness rolled through my bloodstream."
Notice the similarities of through my veins,
through my bloodstream
It may be fine but I would probably make a note of similarities so close together. Maybe change up the wording a bit or put in a
different location. The wording seemed a bit too similar.
"All I was capable of doing was listening to the deranged whispers of the forest around me and make my automatic, mechanical
responses." 32
". . . and make my automatic, mechanical responses."
There are two reason why this sentence sounds awkward for me. 1) the sentences does not seem to flow with the (and)
2) automatic and mechanical are so alike they could be classified as meaning the same.
This is a very easy sentence to revise. I would just make it into two distinct sentences and then take out either the automatic or
the mechanical. It may read better with just using of those two terms.
"I had gone completely numb inside. I was no longer thinking for myself, no longer filled in with any emotion."
". . .( no) longer filled ( in with any) emotion.
The transition here after the comma is a bit awkward. This may be due to the part, "filled in with any emotion" I think that if you
reworded the end of the sentence the( no) after the comma may sound better.
Suggestion
"I had gone completely numb inside. I was no longer thinking for myself. [My emotions were no longer mine to control} I was
merely a . . . to the talking trees of the forest. Was I really dreaming?]
I just added a bit on the end just to give you an idea of what you may be able to do. Feel free to use any of it if you'd like.
Two very similar word choice in the following sentence seem to take away from the line rather than help move the story along.
"My shrill shrieks. . . " 36.
“Then you can wait a bit longer!” I sobbed angrily as I finally found the axe. Clutching it awkwardly, I hoisted the unwieldy axe
up to my chest. “Now what do you want me to do?”40
The words awkwardly and unwieldy are different words how ever they did not seem to work in this particular sentence together.
Axe is stated two times in just two sentences. Since it is an object you could say (it) verses using the word axe again.
Here is just one example that could be used:
". . . I sobbed [ ] picking up the old rusted axe next to the ? tree. With all my might I hoisted it awkwardly while trying to keep
from falling to the ground. “Now what do you want me to do?”40
Other elements that worked in this story:
The tone throughout this story was consistently descriptive. The allusions and imagery in the story were so wonderful, however a
bit over done in some passages. There is a very interesting contrast between the theme of the story and the monologue of the
protagonist.
You were also able to add a bit of humor in this story. In the following line, I laughed out loud. This is a great sign that you can
move the reader.
"[Quicker!] The tree hissed angrily. [I’ve waited so long for this moment…]39
“Then you can wait a bit longer!”
You've done a marvelous job in writing this pieces. I would revise it some more. I would also consider creating a new story
one that has many of the same elements and less adjectives, adverbs. This may give you an idea of what the story would look like
in two very different styles. Then you could see which one reads better and more effective. It is also a good writing exercise to stir even more creatively.
The ending is just so great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would not delete the first version. there was such a unique flavor, I would love to see it published somewhere. Thanks for
posting this.
Katina
P.S. When every you see me critique and it is long, that just means I was that intrigued by the story to give it all I had. Please do
not change anything unless you are comfortable with doing so. No matter what critique you get, just remember, you are the
author and you and only you can see what others may not.
Good Job
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
oooh!
I would like to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this story, and found few mistakes.
What intrigues me most of all, is the message this story conveys. Or maybe I'm just overanalysing?
I know a lot of writers will put a lot of symbolism into their stories, (ladynegritude being a good example, with her story, "The Self's Death"), and I'm really curious to know whether you put any symbolsim in such a wonderful piece of irony?
But such questions can be answered later. For now, we must go to what is important. And what's important is the review.
I wish there was a way to score the title, because I thought that the title was perfect for the story.
But as there is none, I'm afraid I can't vote for it.
Beginning: 5/5
Don't think I'm overflattering you. I'm not. It's well-deserving of this score.
The title of the story is whispers, and you began with [She's here].
Not only is this much like the way I write my stories, bringing the reader in the middle of an event (like in "Paranoid", where the reader begins the story with Joe's suicide note), but it also sets the tone for the story immediately.
You let us know that the 'whispers' are [in these thingies], I can't remember what they're called.
But most importantly, it sets the tone.
We immediately see a theme of darkness and loneliness, combined from the title and the first few words of the story.
You mentioned that the main character had cried herself to sleep, but you never mentioned why. NORMALLY, I would boot your score down to a 4/5, but in this case I believe that the reason why isn't important, as the theme of this story is freedom.
It seems symbolic to me that children end up in this forest when they're feeling horrible and forsaken.
You never mentioned this in the story, but the you still let the reader know, which is good.
I'm guessing this is so that their mood matches that of the forest? In that: They feel dark and lonely, so being in a dark and lonely place would not make them suspicious.
"Where am I, and how did I get here, were not some of them", I WOULD suggest chaging the words 'some of' to 'among'. But, it's your story, and it sounds just as good either way.
This is arguably the best beginning I've seen on this site.
Ending: 4/5
Very close to being 5/5, but I can't let myself give you that score. I think you drew the ending out much more than was needed. I would suggest ending the story at, [I need you to help me].
This not only leaves the story much the same way as it started, but it also leaves the reader with an eerie feeling afterwards. I can see, though, why you wrote more. To describe the wondrous feel of freedom.
However, as much as it may pain you, my suggestion is to abandon those last few lines.
I've had to make myself do this, too, simly for a more dramatic ending.
The ending is very important. It's the last thing the reader remembers after their done reading, and as such it's usually what leaves a lasting impression.
Take my suggestion or don't. Either way, your ending was excellent, but not exactly perfect.
Characters: 5/5
I give you 5/5 because you're the first author I've seen to use a depressed character, but the story doesn't feel cliche'. I'm really glad you didn't go with the whole, "Everyone hates me... God hates me... My dog hates me... I'm going to cut myself... oh, what's this? A creepy forest!", which is (sad to say) what a lot of people try to do. If I had a nickel everytime I saw the line, "She ran the blade down her arm, and watched as the blood escaped her veins, carrying away with it her emotional pains..." I'd be rich.
So, once again, I commend you.
Plot: 5/5
I'm not comfortable with my ratings, because you're getting nearly a perfect score on everything. But, this is how I feel about the story.
I give your plot a 5/5 because of how it was written. Very nicely done. The forest, the hopelessness, the freedom, the trees... All excellently tied in.
Now, I must honestly say I'm not entirely sure what the plot IS (as in: I don't believe I could summarize your story for someone else if they asked me what it was about), but I really enjoyed the themes involved and, as I said before, it was well-written.
Language: 4/5
Near-perfect. Only a few mistakes. Here they are:
"blood that ran through their limbs are surely as the blood that ran through my freezing veins."
The change should be obvious. Change 'are' to 'as'. It's a simple typo, easily overlooked by the author. I've been there and done that.
My Journalism teacher tells the class, "Always proofread your friends' work, and have them proofread yours. You'll never catch a mistake in the page you've been looking at for hours on end."
"like a silent noose around my neck"
I understand what you mean by this phrase, but if you think about it, it doesn't make sense. Change 'silent' to 'invisible', in both instances (there are two instances in the story you use this, one right after the other, the one I mentioned above is the first... And I THINK, though I'm not sure, there's a third near the end.), and that line will be a lot more coherent.
[Freedoms just a little game we play around here. And you’ve just lost.]
Change 'freedoms' to "freedom's", because the ' indicates contraction form, rather than plural. Now I sound like an English teacher. lol
But anyway, that's not my main concern. It's the line itself. It makes the tree seem evil, when really it's just a boy who wants his freedom.
Try [freedom's just a game played around here...]
the "and you've just lost" is too much, and using the word 'little' makes it seem like freedom is not a big deal to them, something they toy with, when really it's neither. It IS a big deal to them, because it's what they strive for a thrive on.
"The bark now completely covered my chest and was moving down my body to cover my legs at the same time I was lowly creeping up my neck."
I'm dreadfully confused by this line. "the bark now completely covered my chest and was moving down my body to cover my legs at the same time" makes sense, but so does: "the bark now completely covered my chest, and was moving down my body to cover my legs, but at the same time it was slowly creeping up my neck.", as well as, "The bark now completely covered my chest and was moving down my body to cover my legs at the same time. I was clinging at my neck", as well as a dozen other things.
If anything needs to be redone in this story, it is that line.
So the language gets 4/5. It's obviously more advanced than some of the stories I see, but it has a few mistakes to fix.
Diaolog: 4/5
I can't bring myself to make it 5/5. The reason is when the trees instruct our heroine on how to free them... Gave her so many instructions at once, immediately. My suggestion is to instruct her as she comes to each part, so that she doesn't know what to expect next.
My suggestion:
[I need you to hack me open... Find my heart...]
Too frightened to argue, I picked up the axe and... blahblahblahblah (don't expect me to type the ENTIRE thing over! There's nothing wrong with that part!)
until at last I could see a thin piece of bark left, throbbing. I sighed in thankful relief as I grasped the thin piece of bark (I'm reciting this from memory here, don't change this part on my account, only what NEEDS to be changed), and pulled it away to reveal the pulsating heart.
[That’s it] The tree whispered anxiously. [Now just lay your hand against it]
Okay, BASICALLY, the ONLY thing I want you to change is that first line, about hacking him open. Then just edit what follows so that it fits in nicely with what you've just rewritten.
OVERALL: 8/10
To show I'm NOT overflattering, I'll have you know this is the highest rating I've ever given anything. Before this, I'd given a 7/10 to one story (The Self's Death).
I honestly think that this story is publisheable.
So, as a bit of advise: Publish it.
Find yourself a contest that accepts short stories, and enter it. That's what I did, and I won first place!
Though I doubt you'd win first place (no offense, but despite how good your story is, this is a contest I don't even know exists yet, and I don't know who's entering, and blahblah. You've just as much a chance at winning this as-of-yet-non-existant contest as the other as-of-yet-non-existant entries.), I didn't even think I would win first place.
But as I said, I give it an 8/10, and I honestly think it could be published if you tried hard enough.
Best of luck on the next one!
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 8, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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