Deleted

Author notes

This is my first erotic short story I have ever written, tell me what you think, and whether you believe I ought to censor somewhat, or maybe even add more detail.

Comments

• By me, right now

  Adding your comment:
• Flirtaous21
  September 1, 2006
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  you write a great story

  beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
• 
  disturbedgirl2005
  April 1, 2006
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  its awsome. add more detail maybe. i felt like i could taste that discusting guys cum it was really good i liked it alot. I think that you should keep going and write more. Its good for your first. i liked it alot mabye a little longer and more elaborte at the end though everyone loves a happy ending. Her name was Sarah not Stephanie. but it was good other than that mishap

  overall: 6.
• 
  kummie
  March 31, 2006
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  This was not bad for your first try...i am by no means an expert but your words seemed choppy...try to make them flow more smoothly..good luck...

  beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
• Here for now
  March 31, 2006
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  THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

  HAVE U TRIED READING THIS? U NEED TO TRY AND REMEMBER HER NAME ALL THE WAY THROUGH SO THAT U USE THE SAME ONE!! ALSO BE CONSISTANT WITH TIME FRAME AND DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

  beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, overall: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
• 
  XfallenfromgraceX
  March 29, 2006
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  its was ok...

  i would call it very erotic but i liked how the ending worked out. I suppose you gave a new look to sex because every1 always seems 2 think that is sooo enjoyable so i'll give you credit for that. good write.
  SC xxx

  beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.