Dear love,1
When im with you I feel as if my world is care free, and as if I have nothing to worry about. The way you hug me and kiss me makes me feel as if I am the only one in your life that matters, but I know that I am not. Your love is out standing for me, you may not tell me but I feel it when you touch me and hold me. My love for you is the one thing that is stronger than the power of a bullet and stronger than god's power on man. The way you look at me when we kiss you just make all my worries melt away. When you look at me and smile it makes me feel as if I have finally done something right in my life.2
When you leave my arms and my site, it feels as if my soul has just burnt in hell. When I first seen you, it felt as if my heart would explode from the love of your face. When something is wrong I am there for you and you are there for me. When I make you cry it is all with the happiness of my heart. Every time our hands touch it feels as if my life is being drained from my very soul and mind.3
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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"When (I'm) with you(,)..."
"...than (G)od's power on man."
"...my arms and my (sight)..."
"...(burned) in (H)ell."
"When I first (saw) you,"
"Every time our hands touch it feels as if my life is being drained from my very soul and mind." This doesn't sound pleasant at all."
Very cliche and unrealistic. I guess you're too young to know that love is more real than all of that fake metaphorical mumbo-jumbo.
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I loved this piece of writing! Brilliant! There are just a couple of mistakes in the piece.I am not sure if 'When I first seen you,' makes sense. I think it should be When I first saw you. And the I'm is incorrect at the beginning. Other than that, I really liked it! Great vocabulary and very.... emotional. Well done!
-Crystal
beginning: 5, ending: 5.
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Haha, i like this one better than the other one, such a contrast in backgrounds from black to pink! Good writing per usual
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Very sweet and emotional. :]
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Amazingly sweet.
I absolutely loved the expressions you put in here.
Well done.
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Aaaw, how cute. It's so sweet Maybe revise the end a bit.
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Awww
Made me swoon and think about my first love. Geez it can be such a powerfull thing, this feeling of ours! I loved how you've conveyed its power on our moods and feelings! Nice job! -
Awesome...
I love the emotion in this piece, it tells of a longing so strong and a desire so deep, that it pains the two from being apart. Too bad in the beginnng, it suggested the male character was a cheater. That totally ruins the girl's hopes.
Aside from the great love concept, you do have a few grammatical errors. Also, you keep switching tenses...past to present. Just pick one tense and stick with it.
You have a few misspellings, not very many.
Other than that, this was a great, interesting read.
Keep up the writing!
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Beautiful expressions on your emotions! This is a heartfelt letter. The emotions in this feel sincere. But it seems like you didnt finish this piece... Like you were stopped in the middle. But a wonderful letter nonetheless.
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A global feeling
A very sweet and emotional effort - it's great! Sadly, it's not so original. It is a bit cliche, but applause anyway for such great emotional portrayal!
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Powerful and strong emotion. Very good feelings behind it, which a reader can really relate to. Nicely written, with an uninterrupted flow and very nice vocabulary variations. I liked the way it was compeletly anonamous (sp?), because it can be put into context with anyone. Spell and grammar chek perhaps? Anyway, beautiful, and something almost anyone could understand and relate to in some way or another. Brilliant job!
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Hm...very well-written but...cliche. I've read the same lines a million times already. O.O
I somehow can't really believe this sort of stuff. Perhaps 'cause "my heart would explode from the love of your face." sounds a bit...shallow. o.O Kinda like how Bella is all gag over Edward's looks in Twilight. Notice they don't really have much in common. xD
-HT -
Very sweet. You managed to find a way to describe a really strong feeling. Keep it up.
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Very descriptive and full of emotion.
A very good start, are you going to add more and make it into a story? I hope you do; this sounds like a great start.
Good Story!
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Another proclamation of love. Nicely written, but you need to watch your spelling of words that sound similar, but mean different things.
beginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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Wow. That's a little over-the-top. Didn't know real people actually felt that way about other real people. But then, I've said some really corny things myself.
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It's awesome, but keep these words dear to only yourself. You don't want to scare your love. Trust me. Just... don't make her feel responsible for your love by smothering her. I mean, i have experiences in relationship...
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Thats beautiful. Did you write that with someone special in mind? It is really lovely.
'My love for you is stronger than the power of a bullet....' This is a powerful line and I love it!
Ok, you do need to work onj your grammar, but hey, everybody does! Well done! Kais =)
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