Looking up at the sky she closed her eyes again, opening them slowly and trying to focus. Shaking her head she wiggled her fingers and checked that nothing was broken. Surprisingly she was perfectly fine. She shook her head again. She must be dreaming, something must have knocked her out. There was no way she could be fine after that. 1
Looking upwards again she could see the stars shining above her behind the pink tinged clouds. Gentle rain drops started to patter around her and she realised she should probably get up and find some shelter. If this was a dream, she might as well make the most of it. 2
Gingerly she stood up, testing her muscles as she put weight on her legs. Nothing hurt, nothing even ached. Looking around the light from the stars and the moon up above her made it easier to see her surroundings. When she had first thought that she was completely outside she had been wrong. Around her were three walls, leaving a large space inside, but they had no roof. 3
"Even in my dream people can't build things properly" she said out loud. 4
"She has awoken! Ariana has awoken!" a voice came shouting from the other side of the wall. 5
"Who's there? Hello?" Nervously Ariana called out. 6
"Finally a spirit has come to awaken you my dear. Now child, come out here so we can welcome you to this place." 7
"But...there are no doors, how should I get out?" 8
"Make one dear child!" 9
She heard a few whispering words and wondered why they hadn't come inside to get her. 10
"Why can’t you come in here?" 11
"You are in a protective triangle, if we were to try and get you out before you were ready, our souls would be moved to another world." 12
"O...k" 13
With a puzzled look she walked over to the wall. If it was a dream, she reasoned, she should be able to do what she wanted. Pushing on the smooth white bricks the wall started to move and the bricks slid backwards and to the side, creating a walkway. Ariana smiled to herself, green eyes lighting up as she realised that she had the power to move objects by using her mind. 14
Staring out the glaring sunlight surprised her. She squinted as she tried to see the people that the voices came from. Around her Ariana could just make out the silhouettes of 5 people, all staring at her. They were all in white robes, reminding her of priests in some respects, the way they were standing, the clasped hands and the warm gazes at her. 15
"We have been waiting" 16
Their unison sent shivers down her spine and for a moment it felt like something was very wrong. 17
"Waiting for what?" 18
"You dear child." 19
One of the...what should she call them, they weren't priests. One of the men had stepped forwards and spoken directly to her. The others were still stood around her smiling. 20
"Your spirit has come to waken the girl you are in now, to bring you to a new life with new levels of joy." 21
"What? I've 'woken' another girl? I don’t understand, a 'new life'?" 22
Worriedly she searched the faces of the five people around her. They all seemed so calm but strangely real. 23
"Dear child," Another of the men spoke, "It may take some time to get used to your new life, but we can help you. Come with us and we shall show you the meaning of all this." 24
Reluctantly Ariana stepped forwards again. 'Strange sort of dream' she thought to herself as the strangers started to form a circle around her and lead her down a winding pathway through the rolling landscape of green hills. Their pace was slow, but determined and she could sense they wouldn’t let her wander out from their close circle. 25
A short while later they ended up standing in front of a white, square platform with a large sunken round pool in the middle. 26
"Now child, look into the pool and we shall show you why you have come to be here." 27
Again, looking around the faces her stomach turned at their gentle, somewhat scary expressions. Ariana didn’t know what to do. Should she venture to the pools edge or turn around and run. Frantically she tried to wake herself up, mentally screaming at her body, 'wake up! c'mon! WAKE UP!' When nothing happened she decided to take a chance and started to cautiously step up to the pool. 28
Staring down as she reached the edge the deep blue water seemed to haze over and her vision started to blur. She felt as if she was falling forwards and tried to cry out, but no sound came from her mouth.29
Suddenly she felt herself being jerked backwards and found herself looking down on a street below her. Again she convinced herself that she was dreaming as she looked down and found herself standing on nothing but air. She pushed downwards but couldn’t go further towards the ground than she was. 30
Looking at the street she realised that it was outside her apartment, and more strangely, Ariana could see her self getting off the bus to cross the road. She could remember getting off the bus, but little else. Staring intently she watched herself pause to cross the road and get distracted by her phone ringing. Screaming out she watched as a car came speeding round the corner straight for the person in the road, who happened to be herself. She watched as the car ploughed into her and winced as she saw herself get flung across the road. 31
Suddenly whatever she was standing on clouded over and showed another girl. 32
"Ariana?" 33
Ignoring whoever was talking to her she stared at the girl. She was younger than her, but had the same long brown hair, the same pale skin. She was on a bed with flowers around her, arms crossed over her body. 34
"Ariana?" 35
The new girls eyes snapped open "Help me!!!" She whispered desperately. 36
Feeling a hand on her shoulder, the image of the girl was interrupted as the pool clouded over once more and she found herself standing at its edge again. 37
"How?... What? Who are you?" 38
"So you saw who you used to be then. We are the elders who watch over this world. You have woken the girl you are now in. Ariana, we have brought you to this special world, you have a clean soul and will be useful to us." 39
Suddenly Ariana started to feel claustrophobic as if the whole place was shrinking in around her. The elders gentle faces seemed to swim in and out of focus, a glint of evilness appearing in their eyes. Backing away from them she almost fell into the pool, gaining her balance just in time. 40
"Don't be afraid of us Ariana." 41
"Don’t listen to them!" 42
Spinning round Ariana stared into the landscape searching for the owner of the voice. 43
“You can’t see me, I am mindlinking with you. The elders are evil. You need to leave them. Now! RUN!” 44
Ariana turned back to look at the elders. One of them was holding his hands out, palms downwards, reciting words she couldn’t understand. Unexpectedly his eyes shot open and an unearthly green light shone through them. 45
She didn’t think twice as she started to run. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she followed the winding path through the landscape, trying to escape the elders that were behind her. Ariana could still hear the elder chanting words in a strange language and had a terrible feeling something bad was to follow. She rounded the corner and paused for a moment, hoping that the elders were not following her. 46
“They won’t follow you. They have powers that can find you without them using their energy.” 47
“How the fuck did you know what I was thinking?!?!” 48
“I told you, I’m mindlinking. I can hear your thoughts. Which is how I can talk to you. I mould your thoughts into mine, so you are sharing my own thoughts.” 49
“Ok, so how do I know you aren’t “evil” too?” 50
“You don’t. But I’m not. Don’t you want to know where you are, who you are, and why you are here?” 51
“I don’t want to KNOW anything. I want to wake up! Even my pain would be better than this!” 52
“Calm down. Follow the path and look out for the stream that runs along side for a short time. Walk along the stream, being careful not to touch the plants, and eventually you will come to a lake. I will be there waiting.” 53
“You want me to come and see you?!” 54
There was no reply and Ariana started to feel vulnerable. 55
“I don’t even know your name. How do I know you aren’t going to hurt me?” 56
Again there was no reply and Ariana remembered what he had said before, she would have to trust him. 57
Sighing she wondered what choice she should make. Going back to the elders didn’t exactly appeal to her, Ariana shook her head. She didn’t know where she was, as far as she could tell this was no dream anymore and it scared her. She could feel herself start to shake and tried her hardest not to start crying. 58
“Be rational” she thought to herself. The elders are evil, but then the owner of the voice may be too. She couldn’t go back, but she had directions to somewhere that may offer safety, and more importantly answers. 59
Her body made the decision for her as she found herself walking along the path, searching the ground beside her for any signs of a river or stream. After what felt like hours Ariana spotted a small trickle of water flowing from behind a large rock. Carefully stepping over the ominous looking plants, purple spikes seeming to grow longer as her slender legs reached over to the earth beside the stream, Ariana started to follow it. 60
Within a few minutes the gentle stream started to turn into a wider, more powerful river, widening to a couple of metres. Ariana suddenly realised she didn’t know what side to walk and started to worry about crossing the river that could stop her reaching safety. 61
The river had curved away from the main path Ariana had been on and veered to the right. The foliage around her had started to grow and she was walking through trees and thick bushes instead of the landscape she could remember behind her. It was becoming very difficult not to touch any of the angry looking plants that were around her. 62
Ariana was concentrating so hard on not touching the plants she didn’t realise that the river was slowing and unexpectedly found herself walking into a clearing where there was a beautiful lake. She stopped in amazement staring around at the wonderful, mystical place. 63
"You came then." 64
The voice spoke from her left hand side. 65
"Not in my head this time... mind...mindlinking?" 66
Ariana looked around her cautiously trying to spy the owner of the voice. 67
"Not now. Welcome to my home. Well, what I have made my home. It is an old sorcerer’s lake, none of the Elders can enter here as it is protected by age old magic." 68
"Woah! Too much information. Where are you anyway?" 69
"Sorry, I am too used to hiding." 70
Looking to her left Ariana saw a young man walk out from beside one of the many trees circling the clearing. He looked worn out, but friendly. He was wearing jeans and a very torn t-shirt, showing off his muscles and tanned skin. 71
Ariana shook her head. This must still be a dream. No way was a guy like that going to be living by a lake in a strange world where all the plants look menacing and "elders" are chasing after you. 72
The young man smiled as he looked at Ariana, quickly looking her up and down, obviously judging her. 73
"What?" 74
"Nothing. Well, you are the youngest one they have brought here yet. They must be nearly ready." 75
"Who? The elders? I still don’t know what is going on. Am I dreaming? Or am I just dead?" 76
The man's gaze turned serious as he looked Ariana in the eyes. 77
"It would be so much better if we were dreaming, but believe me we're not. This world is much worse than the Earth we know, and much more deadly. Death would have been easier than coming here." 78
The young man stepped towards her, spreading his arms out and gesturing around him. 79
"This is the one place the Elders cant find. I don’t know how long it has been here, but I am very pleased it is." 80
"So...this place is protected by something? Some sort of shield?" 81
"A magical one." 82
"Right." 83
"I know, it is hard to get your head around at first, but believe me, it is magic. In this world it does exist. You must know that this place is different. The first thing the elders get new lives to do is open a doorway in their 'triangle of protection'. It shows them how strong the new life is and if they can use their powers. They obviously decided you were strong enough, or you wouldnt still be here. 84
This is so much to take in, but you have to believe me. I have been here for years, but am not strong enough to fight against the elders and win. They know that I am in their land somewhere, but they don’t think that I will ever be able to find someone strong enough to work against them." 85
"So what, you're hiding from a bunch of 'elders' who all have magic on their side, you're living by a lake, protected by a shield of magic and you expect me to believe you?" 86
"Yes." 87
"What weird, fucked up place is this world anyway? What is a 'new life'? Im so confused. This cannot be happening to me. I need to get home, go to work. Get out of this place." 88
Breaking down Ariana sank to the floor, wrapping her arms around her legs she tilted her head forward and started to sob. 89
"Please, please don’t cry." 90
Ariana felt the young man walk slowly up to her and crouch behind her. She didn’t have the strength left to tell him to leave her alone as he slid his arms around her and cradled her to his chest. 91
"Please don't. You are so strong. We can get out of this place, we can win. But I need you to help me. I need your strength to help fight the elders."92
Hours later Ariana found herself under a small shelter, for a moment she thought she had woken from her absurd dream. Then she turned round and the view of the lake seemed to glare at her from the narrow doorway.93
"Oh great!" She exclaimed.94
"Horrible waking up to this isn't it?"95
The young mans sombre voice made Ariana jump as she realised that he was watching her from a corner of the small room. The sides seemed to be mde of some kind of stone and the roof above looked to be made of the branches of a huge tree. 96
"I thought I had woken up back home for a second"97
"So did I, it took me a couple of months to get used to the idea I was actually stuck here."98
"So how long have you been here? And who are you?"99
Ariana's mind was still whiring, but if she really was trapped in this world, she needed some answers. 100
"I'm not sure about the exact time I have been here, but it has certainly been years since I was on Earth. It gets hard being here on your own out here, it's easy to lose months of time. I'm not so sure time is the same in this place anyway; I don't seem to have aged since they brought me here.101
As for who I am... my name is Julian.' 102
Julian. The name sounded so pure in Ariana's mind. 103
Author notes
I have a better idea of where I'm taking this, but its going to be slow, Im in the middle of moving and college etc etc so... yeah, excuses, but I'l add a little now and then.
A contest entry
- Diversity Goes - - II by IvoryRose.
250 points, ended August 1, 2006, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me want to read more! by InMemoryofCharlieJr.
125 points, ended February 18, 2007, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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ok, you have piqued my interest....now wheres the rest? Where is this going? What do the elders want, and what are they going to do? OK enough questions. You have captured my attention...cant wait to see the next chapter!
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wow! when it kinda just stopped im like NOOOO i want to read more i want to find out where Ariana is, i want to find out what the elders want to do...and do i smell a potential romance between Ariana and Julian, well anyway i eagerly await the continuation to this write!
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Awesome
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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this is alot more interesting than alot of the other stories that ive read.. i could actually read this without getting confused. i like what i see so far.. now I just have to wait till you write some more.
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I started reading this, but I'm sorry to say I lost interest, this isn't a bad story...it's just not the kind of thing I enjoy.
Sorry dude
(pusher -
Haha yew added a really hot and sweet guy.
So far, I'd say you're doing well >.> hehe
Yew just need to start developing your characters a lot more than what you have so far.
Excellent start thoughbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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I like this a lot. Good write, keep it up
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This is a good start and has a lot of potential. I like the ending the best so far. There a few things that seemed off during the course of the story.
First you say she can only see silouhettes, they your character can see faces. That seems iconsistent.
Whoever it is mindlinking...when she asks how she knows he's not evil too. The responce is too open. It should be more calculated. He owes her nothing. He doesn't have to tell her he's not. Just that she doesn't know and but what choice has she? He can answer her questions. It would leave more mystery to the character. The dialogue overall just seems off somehow too. I can't put my finger on it.
The first paragraph is great but then the story teeters. I'm not sure why but it gets more tedious to read. Maybe you could reread it and change a few things up somehow.
The endind is great though. The last few paragraphs make me want to read on and I actually got really into the story. I wanted to know what will happen next. The other problem is this isn't a complete story, so judging it is a bit tougher. I can't compare it to the other entries as easily because it is only an excerpt. Overall it's an interesting concept and shows a lot of potential. Good luck in the contest.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 3.
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So far so good! Now, at some point and time you have to link the body Arianna is in. You've introduced her, now the reader is going to need to know her place in this story. Why her, what has she to do with the elders? Why are the elders preserving her body? This man needs a name and how he came to be there. Somehow between these two characters the answer to how these elders came to be and how they "retrieve" earthly souls can be told. Through this story it can be told how this place "the Lake" the magical powers it holds, why the Elders can't penetrate it. Is there an item or a spiritual being or source that protects them. Will this be their way out of this unearthly place they are. Try a few different ideas, follow through on each one. See how it fits. Don't toss away the other ideas, they might come into play later in the story or become part of another story. I'm really enjoying how this is comming along! Again, please don't forget to link me as you make progress.
~Michelle~beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Excellent
*forgot to vote*
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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OH MY GOD....
I have tremendous respect for you after reading this. I think it is amazing. And I see what you mean about not being sure where to go from here...I think it's always a good idea to write out a few options, in ways that you can continue it. And even write a paragraph or 2 for each option. And then choose which options a) has more possiblities. Because you need to be able to continue it as long as you intend, so you need possiblities. and preference. I always put possiblities before preference, because if you like something but can't go too far with it..What's the point?
But, I think you should definetly continue with this story and email me when you add more. Because I KNOW I will forget to check it or something, even though I realllly want to remember.
Nocturnal_angel2990@hotmail.com.
But anyway, EXCELLENT start -
Fast Paced, attention grabber
I can understand your concern about where to go from here. There are no well trodden paths through the realms of creativity. You must be the bold explorer of the uncharted territories within the confines of your immagination. Take us upon a journey into the forbidden and mysterious worlds of your mind.
Just keep writing and the end will eventually create itself.
BTW I hit the link to read Ransom chapter three...lol As you can immagin, I was quite lost when starting to read this story instead.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Love the title!! So far so good! Actually the way you are leaving this is more taunting. Leaving me waiting on the edge of my seat, taunting me, shame on you! LOL! The changes are great.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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p.s. There is only one thing that I do need to add. One must never leave their writing untitled. Here is a great story, if I were to tell someone about it and this person may have helpful ideas and they ask me the name of the story, what am I to say? Uhm...I can't tell you it doesn't have one! Even if the title is made of the first sentence. Give it a name. You can always change it. ~ Michelle~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you
Im very glad you liked the story, and I am now going to have more time to work on it, and I think I know where I want to take it too. The title is annoying me as I really do need to fix that... I will probably just use a temporary one for the time being until the rest of the story is written.
xxx
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Keep Going, It's great!
I don't know how I got here. I clicked on a title of a different name and author and was brought here. Holy cow am I ever so happy for the glitch! This is fantastic! The transendance of souls! There is an old movie that shares this premise. Can't think of the name of it. But I will bookmark this for two reasons. The first when I think of the name I will come back and tell you. The second, I want to keep up with this one! There is a part in your story, about the pool. I had almost the exact same pool in a dream of mine. Only the pool in my dream was filled with water that healed. But your description of it was just the same.
We all have kindred spirits/souls. I can easily see Arianna being just that to your character. Saving Arianna from hell? Your characters spirit doesn't necessarily have to be dead. She could be in a coma, in order for her to be saved she must save that of another soul. Priests or angels assigned to such duty. Your character "the chosen one". She has gifts of a spiritual nature? Wow, there are so many ways you can take this! As you work on this, please, please send me the link. I would really enjoy watching the progression of this story. You definately have a worthwhile story!
~Michelle~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is very promsing you could prolly take it and make a dark fantasy with it. Just a suggestion, but I really liked it it was eerie and interesting. Nice job.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Intriguing
Interesting... A bit eerie, but it looks quite promising. A nice prologue -
This was an awesome write, it had me intrested, i like the way you wrote this, i think that there is a great story in it self right here , i loved every paragraph, id buy this book
, all the best of luck
Milli -
im so confused
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Good!
Yea that is a good story so far.. Please write the rest of it soon so I can read it..
DANI
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i ish confused but sweeeet its creepy and cool and im all like but im like sweeet. sorry i had alot of caffeine today. *runs around the room 1000 miles a second*
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Good
I suspected she was dead from the first paragraph, but thats just me, I like to right stories that have that effect to it. Anyways, the pool was a little sketchy. Somewhat difficult to understand some parts. You could add a little more to it. But it was a great story. I enjoyed reading it.
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interesting
it was definantly interesting though a bit fast, at lest that's how I felt. you really pull the reader along at a fastr pace from one thing to the next without a breath inbetween, but hten that could be what you are trying to go for. either way it has potential if you can work out the kinks. -
Great start
I too wonder where this will go. Like the story you have told and the anticipation I have to see what is going to happen now. Who is this other girl, and will the two of them meet, or are they the same person only years apart? Is she having an out of body experience? Will she come back to life in the hospital and will this all have been a dream? Is all of this a dream anyway?
Easy to read and understand. Second paragraph - last sentence, need capital I. Trying to think of some other way to write about her so you do not have to use she all the time. Using italics - for thoughts maybe? So many things to consider here, depending on where you go.beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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wow
I really loved this. It was so interesting and very well written. I think you should still continue with your original idea, contest or no. It will still be a great story. You definitely need to write more so we can understand it better, work through the mystery of where she is and how she got there.
Keep writing. I hope to read more soon!beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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what?
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awsome
It kept we wondering what was gonna happen i really liked it. Great Jobbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Its flow is truely amazing as well...
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Kept My Attention!
She was killed and came back to life in another woman's body. What happen to the other woman? Is she going to assume the life of the woman whose body she now inhabits? Is there a mystery involved in the death of the other woman? Those are some ideas you could play with.
Too bad the contest disappeared on you. I've had that happen.
I felt the story moved along well. Characters could be more developed and dialogue could be improved, but that is always true. The plot is pretty good. There were a few grammatical mistakes.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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this is some good stuff!
hey this is really great! I enjoyed reading it. Its good as many people believe in this kind of thing. I dont know what I believe but this still had me interested. Well done! I do agree with Jackle about the amounts of 'she's' but other than that good write. Loved the picture I really like those kind of pictures.
Sarah xxxbeginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 8, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I will give a few thoughts- Good Theme!
You know to me 'Life After Death' is Heaven but This is good as so many believe in past lives. I don't know if it would work in your story but I think they are memories of our kin before us...one way to go.
Your way is good--let her be in a new life.
Use the word 'she' less. p1,p2,p3 and on down OK. Then try 'Smiling to herself, green eyes lighting up, she realized that she had ---' One 'she' is gone.
Next P, She squinted staring out the glaring sunlight surprised her, as she tried to see the people that the voices came from.---Around her she --Something could be changed there. Love it as is but I do think you can work around some of these that now you may see. If it seems to change it -- for you--don't.
You asked. Story, plot, beginning and I am sure you will find a great endings. Jackie -
Well now this is very good! It actually reminds me of a um, anime I have just started. Occult Cafe or something along those lines. There are only two books out so far but it has a simular theme which is why I shouldnt at all help you with where you should take this. For I havent truly a clue and I wouldnt want to give you an idea someone else has already taken. >.> why.. that would be unorigional er something like that. anyway-- this is good! Really good. i love it so far. When you do finish it perhaps you could let me know.
By the way, thank you very much for reading my write in reguards to poet. Um... enjoy your evening
Patriciabeginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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wow, 'Moonlightangel', this reads well, keep writing (you don't need my help). I'll return in a while to find out where you have taken me. Thank you.
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I feel the overall is great but in the story I feel you can enforce their beliefs a little more.. no killing off in this..there is always a story in the future to add..keep writing and good luck your doing great Tyler..love grams
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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very good
it kept me reading which is always a good thing
(although i do love to read) i enjoyed this a lot, pity it is so short 
overall: 7.
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I think this story has potential, you've certainly captured the floating in nothingness sense. However you write four walls and a triangle of protection which jars a little. I would like to see a little more character development as I didn't get a strong feel for either the hero/ine or the others. You could make this an astral plane thing and have it going back and forth with different time frames in each.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, overall: 6, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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I can see how the death theme was developing. Actually reminded me of Alice in Wonderland at first. Which made me think your story would work well written in that slightly absurd manner. I do have this crazy idea of making her a good person who had died, and was on her way to heaven, but for whatever reason, ended up in hell by mistake. Sorry, I have lots of weird ideas.
Whatever way you take it, it's a nice beginning.
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