He came home after a long day at work 1
Called out a empty hello 2
And got no reply from the home he and his wife had built3
He found himself upstairs and found her packing 4
Pulling clothes from the their closet pushing them in to suitcase completely in tears. 5
It was clear that shouldn’t just wasn’t right 6
But when he went to inquire7
She just stared 8
With the most heartbroken expression on her face on her face 9
He went to comfort her 10
But she just pushed him away and went back to packing 11
When he asked what was wrong 12
She flinched as if he had hit her13
She just closed her eyes and threw a mangled paper on the bed 14
The bed they had shared for 10 years15
The paper she threw was a email her best friend had sent him 16
And then he went weak on in the knees as he read the evidence17
He tried to deny it but she just wouldn’t have it. 18
She had enough of his cheating ways cheating ways 19
As she walked down the stairs 20
He called out her was she just going to give up21
She looked at him with the most heartbroken eyes and the words still haunt him 22
If this is giving up, I’m giving up 23
And with that she was gone gone from his life but now and then those words sill play in his mind. 24
If this is giving up, I’m giving up 25
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Very well written, it describes perfectly what I'm sure a destroyed marriage is like. I hope this doesn't happen to me when I get married...
. Very powerful and emotional. Well done!
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This is great, beautiful, and sad...truly enjoyed reading it...very well written
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This is a wonderful yet heart breaking write. Very well penned, the imagery jumps out at you, making you look at it from two different perspectives. Great Job!
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Very good, very well done and very nicely structured. What a powerful line. I really liked it. And the ten year mention really pulled the piece together, showing how deep it was, how much of a break and how tearing. Superbly done, with clever devices. I really enjoyed this, it was so excellently written, with an brilliant flow making it steady and easy to read. Extremely good. I would have liked perhaps a line of the email, something to show what the evidence was, just a sort of pencil sketch, but anyway, this was absolutely superb! Keep it up!
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Its very deep. I think you need to change the end to the title...
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up... It should be If this is giving, then I am giving up. -
very powerful ending, and begining but the middle needs a bit of work. I like the strange phrasing 'It was clear that shouldn’t just wasn’t right' very nice.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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i agree with other commenters about the punctuation.
But the poem is really a good one. The best of it is definitely this line "If this is giving up, I’m giving up " -
Good work on this one. The punctuation could be a lot better..it would make this piece a better flow. This is a good piece though. It has great and powerful emotion.
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Pretty good, but the rhyming is a little unclear. Also commas between repeated words are needed, as it makes it clearer. Although, i have to agree, with everyone else, great emotion seeps through!
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Wonderful piece!
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WOW
This was an amazing piece. I loved it to bits. I like the line "If this is giving up, I'm giving up." It was great and explained real emotion in a couple of little words. Great work! -
Interesting. The emotions came through nicely, although you could have phrased some parts of it a littler better. In some spots you have the same word twice, too close together and in others the way you put things makes them hard to understand.
A re-edit and this will be really great!! -
Wow that was sad. Although I don' know if I could blame her if he cheated on her. Good work.
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Awwwww, thats sad. He cheated on her....that's terrible! good job on this, I enjoyed reading it ^.^
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omg this story just wonderful expressed the pain and hurt of betrayal of someone in a relationship I mean I cried I really cried long and hard because I've had memories of a previous relationship when a boyfriend cheated on me and I didn't get out the relationship because I thought he was all I had. And this just made me wish I was as strong as the woman in this story...............................I mean this is just incredible and wonderful because this is just a great story and I just really loved it so much because it really made me feel like some read my mind and you just read it and wrote it down on people and it just meant so much to me THANK YOU
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