The Year is 2019 and the place is Paris,France and We went to a house in the village .said Sgt Evans.Their was ghosts in the ballroom stare at me!said Rj.She was pretty lady who died of unsaul cause of death.said Dr.Miller.Her name is?asked Kim.Trina Moore!said Connor.She was rich and powerful .said Duncan.How she died ?asked Emila.A witch killed her in 1
sleep!said Jack.The maid killed her !said Rj.Yes!said Jack.This house is a death trap!said kim.There is no doors in the ballroom!said Emila.It2
was built that way because she didn't like to see the other rooms!said 3
Dr.Miller.There no way this house is liveable !said Rj.No door in the libary !said Kim.Wait there strange passage way of out the ballroom!said Rj.The wall !said Jack.Come on!said Kim.This her bedroom and study !said Dr.Miller.She was werid lady !said Emila.There some writtings on the wall!said Dr.Hungas.Get out of this.said Trina .She was killed by an dagger!said Rj.There blood on the floors and walls!said Kim.This house is an maze from hell!said Rj.Too stairs and that will 12 more stairs !said Jack.There is Thunsands bedrooms and bathrooms!said Kim.Too many bedrooms !said Rj.There was a book and now it's gone!said Dr.Miller.Look she move the book back to the book case!said Connor.Trina,Can you hear me?asked Rj.Yes!said Trina.She was buried in this wall!said Dr.Miller.Bones and a pentogram hang around their necks!said Jack.A cult live here !said Dr.Miller.Do see that girl?asked Emila.Yes!said Dr.Hungas.She want us to floowing her!said Rj.She is pionting this picture on the wall!said Rj.Marima killed me!said Trina.The maid killed you!said Kim.Yes!said Trina.You will died !said Marima.No!yell Rj.Leave alone!said Kim.It's over !said Connor.We found her and gave her poper burial .said Rj.She will never untill marima 's ghost is stop!said Rj.She a witch whom work for Trina moore and she was burned alive in 18124
but still her ghost hunts this house and we left the house last night at 5
9:00pm.said Rj6
Author notes
Horror;Two polergises tried to killed The team!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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This was a little dull in places, but the characters were good and somewhat detailed.
Your problem is your typing. When a person speaks AKA character 1, you place their dialog one or two spaces down.
EX.
The sun from the street lamp glistened downwards as Jake and Emma seated themselves on the green grassy lawn.
"Emma?" questioned Jake nervously.
"Yes?" she giggled, realizing he was quite nervous.
"Um..." he mumbled, "Can I kiss you?" he said softly.
Emma simply smiled and cupped her hand over his cheek, "I wish you would." she said smiling her adorable smile.
END EX.
See, so your dialog needs to be spaced.. and your sentences fixed.
Spelling could use some help too. : ) sorry.
You've got something good here, with a little work and editing it would be awesome. If you ever want help, simply ask me and I'll be there. : )
Keep writing!!
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"...is Paris,France and We went to a house in the village .said Sgt Evans."
Rephrase:
' "...Paris, France, and we went to a house in the village," said Sgt Evans.'
"There WERE" not "was". Also, "There" fo "their"
Proofreading errors mainly.I found it hard to read 'cos of the way you put in speech, no quotation marks, etc. Would be more comprehensible that way.
It makes it a tedious read if I have to mentally seperate sentences. Spaces between 'em should solve this prob.
"She is pionting this picture..."
I don't think plonting is a real word...
"She a witch..."
Again, the only major thing wrong is proofreading errors such as the above. Also, the plot line is a bit confused due to these errors -
um..sorry but shouldn't the spelling be "poltergiest"?..just asking
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This is very hard to read. You don't have any quotation marks where the people are speaking, comma's and periods in places that shouldn't be or just left out all together.
I didn't even get past the first paragraph before I stopped. You really need to go through this and fix it before anyone can comment on it.
If you let me know if and when you fix it I will be more than happy to read it.
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