Why can't one day just go good? Saturday..it's always great in the beginning..then once I get home..it's hell. Aaron's always in a bad mood after skating..and it makes me feel like shit. Especially now..cause I Âknow it's my fault. It's this stupid eating disorder...it bothers him..a lot...but I can't stop. Not till I'm okay with myself and I don't think I'm fat. Right now...I still do...and I can't stop. So of course he's upset over it...and now he's not even talking to me. Kinda makes things worse...1
It helps when we actually talk...but he doesn't ever want to...if he gets in a certain mood..he just tells me he's gonna go..and he's gone. That doesn't help me either...It's almost like he's not there anymore...if I screw up..which I do a lot...then he gets in a bad mood..and shuts me out. I guess I should be used to it. But I'm not. 2
All of my own stupid problems are bringing him down...my own insecurities. Everything is all my fault..no ones to blame but me. I could just believe him when he says all those great things about me..and none of this would happen...but the problem is...I don't.3
I think I'm the ugliest thing to walk the earth...he can pick me up..and I have fun with him when he does...but it also kinda makes me...I dunno..in a way I don't like it...cause then he can tell how fat and heavy I really am. I've actually been told I'm thin before...but I'm FAR from it...I'm FAT. 4
So then this happens...it's not the first time either...I've just gotten over it before..or given up. But this time it's working..the whole...anorexia..and bulimia. I barely eat at all now...and if I Âdo..I just throw it back up...it makes me Âfeel a little sick..but I feel better about myself. I've lost around 14 pounds in just one week...and when I step on the scale..and notice I gained even one pound back...I make myself throw up more..even if I didn't just eat. I'm working out even more...so I'm being kinda healthy I guess. But I still have the eating disorder.5
I don't want to hurt people...but I want to finally be able to think of myself as being 'okay'. For once I wanna think I'm average..and not fat. I want to not only be told I'm thin..I want to BE thin. Is that wrong? To hurt the ones that care so maybe I can higher my self-esteem? Is that selfish? Now that I think about it..it feels like it is. But I still don't wanna stop. I will...when the time is right...but not now.6
I guess...all I can say...is....I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you that care...and want me to stop...but I wont. I'm sorry. I wish there was another way...but there's not. And I'm sorry.7
Author notes
It just doesn't seem like there's any other way right now...and I'm sorry..I know it's bothering you guys..but you guys are still sticking with me...it means a lot...but I really AM sorry!!!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Its not wrong to want to lose weight but the way you are doing it can be. There are things that are safe and then there are things that aren't...
I'm happy being 200 lbs..yah I'm over weight for someone my age and height but point is I'm healthy...as long as I have that I could care less how much I weigh or what anyone else thinks of me. I'm love by an amazing man and though I do want to lose weight he doesn't encourage it. -
EMOTIONAL
I don't know you but this is a really emotional story of what I am assuming is your life. I nearly cried while reading it and loved the emotion that you captured in the piece. It was amazing and I am really sorry to hear this. I wish you would accept help from people and not let this get any worse though. -
Well.. I can't really say what I want to say.. Cause I don't want you to feel bad.. But Trish.. It's hurting alot of us.. Even more than you think.. You've lost 14 pounds in a week.. No Trish.. That's not healthy.. And you say it's working.. Well yeah.. It's working.. If it's meant to kill you.. Then yes.. It's working, Trish.. And you don't even have a reason to be doing it.. At all.. You're beautiful.. For once, I want you to believe you are.. Because you are.. I don't want you to do this.. And you don't even have a reason to be doing it.. But oh well... I'm still gonna worry about it.. Hopefully you'll stop soon.. Cause it's not only killing you.. It's killing me. Just remember.. No matter what.. I still love you.. No matter if you're how you are now or even skinner (Which is hard to believe)I still love you.. I just want you to stop.. Because you don't even need to do this.. And if you absolutely have to.. You could at least just go on a diet and exercise.. There are other ways besides killing yourself, Trish.. I love you.. No matter what.. I'll stick by you, even if I don't like what you're doing at all.. I'll still be here. I'll help you through it the best I can, okay? I love you.. And I always will.
Love,
Aaron -
It's letting me comment, yae! Please don't give up. I'm not giving up and neither should you. I know life is really hard, and it shouldn't be for people OUR age, but we can get through it. And you aren't fat. Not at all. When people say you arne't fat believe them. I know you want to be skinny, but if you want to, try and do it the right way like working out as you said. Yeah it does bother me a lot but it wouldnt so much if you tried to loose weight the right way and stuff even though you arent fat and you dont need to loose weight!!!!!!! but i still love you and will be here for you 24/7
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