Slagging a certain coffee giant *cough*starsucks*cough* is cliche. Now it's just a matter of trying to figure out this phenomenon of coffee addicts lodged deep within our society's collective sell-out experience. I'm not really apologizing in advance if I offend anyone, get a funny bone and laugh more. It merely does not make much sense to create hype of so many choices when coffee is coffee is coffee. Go to Tim Hortons, Dunkin Donuts or any highway rest stop and they give you coffee black, bitter and basic; bypassing any bullocks. Sugar or cream? That's simple enough eh? It'll keep you awake.1
If you want it a bit more flavourful, grind it yourself and blend in some more exotic beans's flavours. It's more about the craziness of marketing. Apparently Seattle's Best (ironically the birthplace of starsucks and microsoft) is much better. So go figure out what the hype is supposed to have on our lives.2
Give me a cup of tea any day. I won't feel the need to endorse trendy six dollar coffee cups to give me that extra coolness factor. Beer costs the same and nobody has tried to muck a good thing like that up thankfully. Microbreweries are pushing it and admittedly I have found some particularly nice pints, but after three who cares. Similarly with coffee, after your three to five cups (the sixth daily cup is reason to worry about your health) does it really matter if it keeps you awake and forces you through withdraw?3
So I hijacked a guide from ivillage.com and bastardized it to hopefully unmystify my confusion. As they will want to control and make you think... 'Ordering a cup of coffee in today's coffee houses and restaurants can be a confusing undertaking. (LIKE TOTALLY UN-TRENDY PEOPLE ARE SO LIKE PATHETIC) Here's a guide to your choices.' Therefore increasing confusion.... I don't want to bother trying eighteen or more of different flavours to figure out which one will give me the best buzz. Might as well write Starsucks to take off an hour of my daily salary and give me a coffee pill. Chocolate covered coffee beans!! Now there's a rush and the same amount as a cup of coffee with half the bullocks!! 'Hint: most specialty coffee drinks are based on espresso -- a rich, flavorful brew.' (Don't compare your inferior bean water to my beer!)4
Prepare to hopefully be amused:5
~ Cappuccino: Espresso topped with equal parts foamed and steamed milk. (sounds simple enough.... wait for it...)6
~ Cafe Americano: American drip coffee--Italian style. (so is it American or Italian?) Made from equal portions of espresso and boiling water. (watered down is stronger?) This results in a stronger version of brewed coffee. (or I could just get two tea bags and buzz myself up to Star-ship Enterprise)7
~ Cafe au lait: This traditionally French (French ruined everything, look what they did to cooking desserts and the foreign legion) drink is made with equal parts of brewed coffee and steamed milk. (Send the cow to a sauna, that makes sense)8
~ Cafe breve: This is a milk-based espresso where half-and-half is used instead of milk. (How the heck do you say it, it sounds like diet coke of coffee)9
~ Cafe con leche: 1.5 ounces of espresso with steamed milk to fill an eight-ounce cup. (refer to Americano on watering it down)10
~ Cafe con panna: Espresso topped with whipped cream. (Which gets all over your face and is sacriligious against hot chocolate!)11
~ Cafe corretto: Espresso with (ruining) a shot of brandy, cognac, or liqueur. (I'll add whiskey to my tea for special occasions thanks) 12
~ Cafe creme: 1.5 ounces of espresso combined with one ounce of heavy cream. (for those of you who keep guilty secrets because it looks like cafe breve)13
~ Cafe doppio: A double shot of espresso with one shot of hot water. (shouldn't be given to small children and those with heart conditions)14
~ Cafe freddo: Chilled espresso served in a glass, often iced. (ok fred you're one cool freak)15
~ Cafe latte: 1.5 ounces of espresso in a six-ounce cup filled to top with steamed milk, forming a dense drink. (It sounds like a hot milk shake gone funny... weirdos) This may be topped with foamed milk. (are north americans not getting enough calcium? Seems the nutritions experts are recommending it like the invention of chocolate milk for children)16
~ Cafe latte macchiato: A glass of hot milk, (which should make you dozey) with a teaspoon of espresso. (for wusses who can't handle their caffine or liquor)17
~ Cafe Latteccino: Espresso with two parts of steamed milk (and the difference from cafe con panna?) and one part foamed milk. (that just doesn't make sense, let's foam it AND steam it!!!)18
~ Cafe lungo: A long espresso (how the heck does it get short?) made by adding boiling water to a 1.5 ounces espresso. (The same as an Americano, but without Americanizing it)19
~ Cafe macchiato: 1.5 ounces of espresso in a demitasse, topped with a dollop of foamed milk. (Demi-what??? Apparently Macchiato means marked in Italian. OH I'LL MARK YOU WITH THE BLACK SPOT AND DOLLOP YOU ONE!!! but to prove I'm not unsophicated, this happens to be one of the most beautifully appealing visually with some of the designs that can be formed on the surface of the coffee)20
~ Cafe mocha: Espresso, chocolate syrup, and steamed milk, often topped with whipped cream and cocoa powder or chocolate shavings. (latte for people with chocolate addictions who haven't heard of HOT COCOA)21
~ Cafe ristretto: This is highly concentrated (constipated?) espresso (3/4 to one ounce of water used for extraction but who getting technical?), resulting in a denser, (much like the idiot ordering it) and more aromatic espresso. (in case it wasn't flavourful and rich enough already)22
~ Cafe romano: Regular espresso, served with a twist of lemon or lemon peel. (i thought romano was lettuce... wait that's romaine, same difference, who twists lemon into coffee, put it in their eye!!!)23
So avoid the multitudes of lemmings and drink un-commercialized tea if you must get a caffeine fix! Not the weak-arse marketing of TAZO crud either. Though it's not bad, it's just blah compared to some of the loose leaf teas. It seems the same as hot water with caffeine in it. If tea was around for millenniums and giving our ancestors a good buzz first thing in the morning, what's wrong with it now?24
Author notes
Thankyou for any feedback to whether or not this works as a guide. Honestly some of them don't sound too bad, it just is like trendy fashion. WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Please address all hate mail to someone you don't like and tell them how offended you are by my light humoured pokes to make you think about what you're ordering.
Society should question itself more often. The part that scares me is why the HECK do we need to inject larger doses of caffeine into our bodies and be expected to haul arse at work and school so much more quickly and over longer time periods.
guide from home.ivillage.com/cooking/drinks/0,,fv,00.html
If you think I'm being harsh, checkout COFFEE HOUSE PROPAGANDA and SMALL, MEDIUM, LARGE on www.illwillpress.com/vault.html (I warn you now if you're not afraid of squirrels, maybe you should fear their frustration.... ohyah and warning, foul language!!!)
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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ah god damnit I HATE!!!!!!! the new story write...and I LOVE FOAMY!!!!!!! i love I will press!! it is SOOOOOO WONDERFUL!!!
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Amusing
I found this rather amusing ... Did you know there's a starbucks on one side of the street in Houston Texas and then another right across the street? I found that rather silly ... -
Hey Babe, this is amusing
Just thought you might like to know that Starbucks exceeded their goal for sale of fair trade coffee last year. I don't remember the exact figures, but I think it was over 1 million pounds extra. Now for the kicker - their fair trade coffee sales are still less than 5% of their total coffee sales. Way to brag about being a BAD company... sheesh.
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I don't drink it for the simple reason I don't speak Starbuckian. I swear they should make it a 3 unit college course or something. LOL
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hahahah the barista looked at you odd??? that's halirious!!! he's like i don't know how to complete that order it's too simple... * barista runs off and weeps bitterly* awww thanks for the support funny enough i does write for the e-mag, spindicated, on all poetry. i've been trying to get my articles shorter.
thanks a ton mom
gooday -
LOL I have to confess that I've been to one Starbucks, and I ordered just regular coffee. The person taking my order looked at me as if I were insane, as did everyone in line behind me. I asked if I had done something wrong, but he just looked at me-stunned. lol
I do drink my coffee in the morning, but I refues to pay the prices they ask for coffee that's too strong, coffee with too much milk, coffee with froth, or any other kind of coffee that costs that much! I'll drink my regular coffee with cream, and I'll be happy about it.
By the way, you should start writing for magazines. Doing a little "essay" and a little research should be fun and quite easy for you. This piece is definitely worthy of ANY magazine. See you in the funnies, my son. Hugs, Mom
Edited on Mar 24, 3:57 p.m. because 'misspelling'. -
awww thankies... glad you enjoyed it, i'm never sure about how much i should offend starbucks junkies other then the impulse to ask why must they support multinational corporations when they don't own any stocks of the company!
there must be some local imported and ground coffee like there is up where i live at local independent cafes and small chains. how are they inconvinient in comparison? don't feel guilty, go local!!
again, glad to bring a smile and a thought to yah... take care -
lol good call!!! tim hortons has a ice cappacino for $3 canadian
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cool. good point that sometimes it's just more a matter of availibility. probably a good thing about being canadian with irish background. nothing beats tea imho and hence i got some choice. as well there are some good chinese tea leaves
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lol yah so did i learn something in mocking, at least i'll have some clue if someone wants to buy me a cup, i'm usually clueless of what to get. three bags of tea??? dam...
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haha
hahahaha i love starbucks, but i am applauding this all out of good fun because i found it hilarious and sadly pretty true. i don't like american tea though, so...coffee it will be. starbucks is pretty much the best coffee we've got around here, seattle's best is pretty good but tully's is nothing. and little cafes just aren't as convenient as the big chains. this makes me feel kind of guilty.
anyway i got this off the shameless box and i like it a lot, it made me smile. keep writing, thanks for sharing.
applause to you for such great work! cheers.
love Serena
ps. i will be thinking about this at starbucks tomorrow morning. -
Hella-cool
Amen! I go to the service station and pick up a cappucino for 89 cents and I enjoy as well as anything else! -
I got a kick out of this. And am going to check out the ivillage and illwillpress sites as soon as I'm done typing this. There is a Starbucks near work. I've been known to grab a Grande Carmel Frappacino w. a shot- at least once a week. Not because I like Starbucks (I'm a coffee snob, and I will not drink their regular coffee, it sucks) but because it's convenient. I prefer to grind my own beans at home, but don't always have time.
There is a difference in beans, but I don't care about designer names... I just care about what packs the most punch. (I prefer French Roast- dark).
Give another year or two- tea will get there as well. There's a handful of shops in Orange County- "The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf". It's coming... we've already done it to water.
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I appreciate your sense of humor-I go to the Barnes and Nobles version of Starbucks every day and enjoy their cinnammon sunset tea-vente with threee bags-good stuff. I did learn a bit more about the variety of coffees-thanks for the heads up!
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