A Teacher of Life ( A Memoir)

“If you can’t find any happiness, don’t you dare to call it life. No matter how hard things get, you will always find life.”1

- Andrew Polakovsky2

Many a days I have sat and pondered that quote.  My grandfather told me it a while back…  He inspired me all my life; he showed me how to live; he helped me conquer my fears.  I felt as though, that when I was in his presence I was in the presence of no mere mortal.  He was more than the grandfather he was to me.  He was a father, a friend, a hero, and a teacher.  He called me son.  I called him dad.3

It was a snowy night in late December.  My biological parents left me to stay with the ones I called mom and dad, my grandparents.  They often did this.  To them I was no more than a bothersome, although, my grandfather told me otherwise.  I was only seven; it was to be the last year I would be able to have a conversation with my “dad” and not be the only one talking…  He called me outside. It was cold; the snow fell soft and slowly, down from the heavens.  It was the kind of winter us Russians lived for. He already had a warm fire roaring with two chairs close by.  I knew he wanted to teach me another one of his short, simple lessons.4

“You see that, that’s the moon.  It’s like life. You know.  That is the only part of the moon you may ever see in your life; well at least from earth.  You know how the moon goes through phases and how only part of it may be lit up.  It’s a perfect example of life.  Some times when we look at a person, they are bright and happy.  Other times they are dark and down.  Maybe they may be somewhat happy and somewhat down. I’ve seen you sad before boy, and I’ve seen you happy.  I’ve seen the moon glow, and disappear.  Do you know why it glows?  I’ll tell you. It’s a reflection of the sun; and just as the moon need the sun to shine on it, you need others to be happy.  I believe that no man can live on his own forever, and will always need a friend. Believe me when I say this boy, ‘If you can’t find any happiness, don’t you dare to call it life.’  Why don’t you sit out here a while and watch how the night works it’s wonders into the human mind son?”  And with those words I began my journey into higher realization of my own life; I could finally be compelled to break away from the modern society and be myself, finally to find happiness.5

Day after day went by, each night remembering what he said and what he implied. I began to feel seance of happiness and joy when I sat out to watch the moon late at night. I remembered and learned later that, “Even if the moon is completely dark, there is a place on it where the sun shines bright.”  Though, the moon was not yet significant to me. It was just the memory of that night that was.6

Later that month, I went to visit my grandparents.  I could tell in the months before that my grandfather was loosing his memories, and his mind with it. He was now lying down, almost unable to walk. I was already in tears. He called me over to his side and told the rest to leave. “Don’t cry,” he said sternly “There is nothing to cry about. You and I are here, both fine. I’ve done what I’ve needed to and shown you the way. I don’t know why, but all men have a hard life. You will as well, a very hard life. You’re ready, and I want you to do what I could not accomplish. Pass on what I’ve taught and let it be what you’ve taught, be someone’s guide and never be afraid to carry someone else’s cross. Take my life’s work as your life’s work. I have but one lesson to teach you… I wish I didn’t have to this soon.” With that, he passed out, never to really talk again.7

For a few years we kept care of him. He became unable to talk or walk or remember much. I was ten, I’ve written down all of what he said to me by now. Revised them every day; writing down beside each one what it meant, everyday adding more. I reflected everything I did in my life after his words of wisdom. I dressed for life; I wore black to be in peace with myself and try to show how humility was a big part in life. I wouldn’t be the center of attention because of how I looked on the outside.8

“People who spend every cent, and try every way to look good on the outside, usually look pretty ugly on the inside.”9

One night I went out exploring my wood. It was cold, the coldest I remember it being since that night in late December now almost four years ago. I had my coat; the one “dad” gave me. It always kept me warm. I found walking through the brush easier than the morning before when I first discovered the small trail in my woods. After a good 10 minutes struggling to climb the steep hill, I found a grand clearing. It was like the ones you would expect to be used as helicopter landings in a time of war; this thought reminded me of my “dad” for he was a WWII Vet. and always told me stories. I lay in the grass and looked up. I was crying. I cried like I was to lose anything and everything; wondering how much longer I could last. Than I stopped. I saw out of the corner of my eye…the moon.10

I continued to visit this place each night. Night after night I’d just lay there and watch. It was a way to get out of my house, let the problems that bothered me go and float into the sky. I don’t know if it was the peace or the memory of my grandfather that brought me back, but what ever it was, I wasn’t about to miss one day of it.11

The days went by, than weeks, eventually two months had gone by. I had a tent were I would watch the moon for winter was there in full force. During the first snow of the season, I built a small fire. I don’t remember as cold as night since that day I learned about the moon. The bitter, cold air stung my feet; I could feel them numbing as they lay further from the fire than the rest of my body. The moon was full. It glowed almost a pure white. It had been the most amazing thing I saw. I was, at the time, given an assignment to write about one thing in nature. Being that I was already done, I had a pen and paper, and nothing else to do. So I wrote. I wrote a philosophy of sort. “When you find yourself in a vast world in which something seems to repeat once. Chances are it will repeat again.” I knew that one day I would be sitting outside with my son, or grandson, or godson and tell him exactly what my “dad told me back in the days.”12

It was the end of the school year. I graduated in 6th grade from my private school. Everything was going well. Than I got a call… The worst call in my life. My father and I ran to my grand parent’s house. Every one was in the kitchen, waiting for the inevitable. I wasn’t going to let my chance slip by. I ran into his bedroom by his side. My grandfather was not able to speak or move for about five years. I saw him move. It was a feat in which he could no longer perform for the longest time. He spoke.13

“If you can’t find any happiness, don’t you dare to call it life. No matter how hard things get, you will always find life.”14

The last words he spoke. They seem to slip out of his mouth. I grabbed his hand, and I could feel his force, he was not able to hold back like that before. He let out a breath…and I could tell that it was over. I knew he would leave something behind for me. I checked his coat he gave me. I wanted to find something so bad, but I couldn’t. I ripped my jacket off and threw it on the floor. Hot tears ran down my face, out to the edge of my nose; I watched one hit the jacket. That’s when I realized why the jacket was so warm. It was double layered. Quickly I picked up the jacket and searched the lining. In it was a laminated note taped to the in side. It read:15

“Dear son,16

I am glad you found this note. By now I may already be dead, at least in your mind. Fear not though, I am alive. In everything you say or do that I have taught you; the lesson my father taught me, and his father taught him, etc.  You have learned the final lesson. ‘How to handle loss.’ You will learn one more lesson in your life, but I can’t teach it to you. Go out and find someone who makes your hart skip when they sit beside you or let you put your arm around her. Learn to love, it really is all you need. Please, don’t let me catch you here in heaven before you learned that. Sorry but I can no longer write.17

In loving care,18

Dad"19

He had taught me how to live and to stay trough pain. He taught me who I was and who I would become. That night, and every night after; I would watch the moon. It reminds me that not every thing is over when it’s over, that lessons may be continued to be taught a good time after learned, and all you need really is love compasion and a good cause.20