Broken Back ch. 5

the blackened highway and flashes of intermittent light. i couldn't help but shake my head at the parallel. oncoming cars flash by and are gone. just like the times of my life. my old life. this life. and it made me wonder whether anything was going to stay long enough to sit down for a cup of coffee. a normal conversation. a life. a life lived. that's what i wanted. but i didn't know how to get there anymore.1

so i drove and drove2

tired eyes and tired heart down the blackened highway3

i pulled aside and rustled through my bag of goodies.4

i needed to5

i hated that. needing to.6

my only relief from the relentless road. the road ahead. the road behind.7

shaking my head again, i needed to wake up. irony. i chose the coke, laid out the lines and there it was. the white lines on the blackened highway. something was happening inside as i looked at those lines. i didn't dive into them like i usually do. i was stopped. thinking. thinking of how sick and goddamn tired i was of all of this. but being sick of myself, my life, who i was...wasn't anything new. it wasn't enough. i took the lines one by one...and the numbness came. the frenetic wake. the eyes wide open now. but it was the numbness i loved the most. this illusion of life. i was awake, numb and happy. the illusion of life.8

i held on to the wheel and just sat there for i don't how long. stepped outside into the cool night air and had a few smokes. and for some reason, ...even numb,...even "happy"...i started to cry. not a sobbing wash. just a few thick tears running silently down my cheeks. i didn't wipe them away because i wanted to feel the tracks on my face. i wanted to know that i'm hurt. sad. alone. for some reason, at that point in time, that's what i wanted. this paradox of being. paradox of not being. and at that last thought before climbing back into the car, i wondered whether the latter was coming sooner than i thought.9

it's 3 am. i'm on a stretch of dark road out in the middle of nowhere headed west. 10

alone11

tired12

lonely13

and i sat there calculating those thoughts. i could have booked my jet and flew. but i wanted to be alone. totally alone. and no matter what i did, i never got there. cause everywhere i went, ...i followed. and all my little demons came along for the ride. i thought, sooner or later i'm going to buy a volleyball, paint a face on it with my own blood...which there was always plenty of...and start talking to it. my best friend. my only friend. wilson. fuck. this was so goddamn insane and so far down the road, i had successfully blocked out the whys and the hows. so the answer wasn't there to bring the solution. only illusion. the illusion of life. or death. whatever.14

i drove15

i drove16

i drove17

turned up the music loud. took a few valium with my vodka and water...and drove.18

i think i could have done it with my eyes closed. cause...i was so numb, i didn't give a fuck where i ended up. that was the problem....for now. and the solution...for now. and then, as the light started to dawn, there was her face. damnit. the face i couldn't block, kill, destroy, utterly obliterate from the ever dwindling memory banks.19

i turned the music up louder. it was just about the only thing left i loved. and it had a power to take away thought. remove pain. and make me daze into the illusion. back to the illusion. that's where i needed to go. the land of illusion. so as Peter Gabriel's voice thundered out the lamb lies down on broadway, i felt free for awhile again. i was getting hungry.20

the diner was small, hometowny and totally vacant, except for me the waitress and the cook. perfect. 21

hi22

hi23

you're up early24

yeah25

you don't look so good26

i don't feel so good either27

well...let's get some coffee and food into you then, she smiled28

i didn't29

so, what'll it be?30

i don't care. anything31

she paused at that...as though suddenly in her minds eye began to form a view as thin as glass, of me.32

i didn't care.33

ok, well...we have a great stead and eggs here. how 'bout that?34

yeah. sure. thanks35

no problem,...with a smile ...but different this time other than the pre-fab, you're a customer, must smile 36

i'll be right back with that coffee.37

thanks38

and as she left, i stared out a dirty window to the dawning of the day. i was in a plains wasteland. a few ancient homes stuck in fields of dead wheat. trucks. cows. off in the distance i saw a huge billboard. "come to california...the home of Disneyland. come and enter into the magic. california. 500 miles ahead. i turned my head and looked straight ahead over the empty, red-vinyl booths ...and nodded my head. the land of dreams. los angelos. lost angels. and all was settled. what i would do when i got there was a whole nother matter and nothing i wanted to contemplate right now. but i saw the beaches, the ocean, the city. i had done a number of developments there way back when. i knew the city well. it'd just been a long time. there were memories there i didn't want to remember. so i focused on the beach. i thought if i could just lie there awhile...a few days. a week. i might be able to find my way out of this hell. ironic again. finding myself in the land of "Hellywood". lost angels. hmmmm. fuck. whatever.39

here's your coffee40

thanks41

so where you headed42

california43

oh, i love it there. you're so lucky.44

lucky...yeah...i was lucky, i said to myself inside. fucking lucky. luckiest bastard that ever lived.45

and i so didn't want to chit-chat46

yeah...it's alright i guess47

disappointed with her return, she just nodded her head.48

well, you food should be up any moment49

thanks50

she turned and walked towards the kitchen. i watched her go and wondered. was she living life. is she happy. she was young, beautiful in that worn country way...and stuck out in the middle of nowhere. i wondered if she was married. single. divorced. a run away. abused. neglected. beaten. i wondered. i wondered...if she was happy - and this was life. maybe she wasn't happy. just "settled". accepting of life and the banality of it all. that maybe she could live in that zone of living life in the land of nowhere, by consequence. a life by consequence. not choice. good enough. it'll do. fuck. it didn't do for me. i had more money in just my pocket than she would ever see in a hundred lifetimes. and maybe she was contented. fuck. i took a deep sigh and popped a morphine pill. too much thought. too much pain. i knew the blood was going to come again.51

here ya go52

thanks53

do you have everything you need? 54

hmmm...irony coming down in showers on this sunny day.55

yeah. thanks56

refill?57

yeah. sure. thanks.58

the food tasted good. real good. but it hurt my stomach as usual. more and more it seemed these days. i wondered if i was going to be able to keep it down this time. but for the moment, i didn't care. it was hot. smelt great. and the morphine was taking me to a place of seclusion. that place where all that was in view was what was directly in front of me. happy. stoned. numb. i continued through my meal, stared out the window as i chewed...and didn't see a goddamn thing. i only saw a beach and heard the waves. i saw my home in malibu. hadn't been there in a long time. it was quiet. private. secluded. seclusion. yeah...seclusion. the food was in my mouth, but i couldn't feel it now that the morphine had taken right over. couldn't feel the fork and knife in my hands. the seat i was sitting on. and i loved it. i took my time that morning in the ma and pa diner. feeling unusually relaxed. beyond the morphine. i knew where i was going. at least in the smaller sense of the meaning. and that was good enough for now.59

there was no more thought60

contemplation61

and her green eyes did not appear62

just my plate, hot coffee and numbness.63

beautiful64

just beautiful65

i could've stayed there forever.66

no pain67

no memories68

no future69

it was good. real good.70

she put the cheque on the table as i was getting up.71

feel better?72

i didn't. yes. thank you.73

good. you take care now. and there was that smile again. it was funny to me how much i noticed smiles. cause i never did anymore. so i really noticed them...with a question mark.74

so as she walked away, i slapped a hundred down on the table and left. sighed deeply as i walked out the door and was satisfied with the knowledge that this meal was going to stay down this time. and i needed that. i was eating less and less...and much of what i did eat came out...with all the blood. but today i think i was in luck. yeah. luckiest bastard on the face of the earth.75

the light hurt my eyes as i wandered across that dusty parking lot. i looked back for some reason as i entered my car...and there she was in the window watching me. i didn't know if it was the all too familiar wonderment mixed with slight concern. the questioning of the life just met. and the way she saw it. something wrong written all over it. the whys. maybe it was the biggest tip she ever saw or would see in her life. just a rich man passing through. a rich man in poor mind. just passing through. passing through. i took another few lines and drove off. california. the beach. the waves. the warmth. i couldn't feel the wheel, but i was totally focused on the road. my inner demons seemed to be taking a day off. there was me, the music ...and the road.76

fields flew by.77

green border and grey fields. soon to be rich with growing harvest.78

and every one of these observations were pleasant and neutral. no catalyst to any tormenting memories.79

fears of the now80

fears of the future.81

everything was right in my little corner of the world. but it was a moment. only a moment. and i knew it. but i didn't care. didn't give a good goddamn fucking care.82

as road flowed through town. town to road. road to town...i continued on. stopped for gas. stopped for smokes. stopped for a line or two.83

and i was in a perfect place all day long. 84

the outskirts of los angelos came into view and i was almost there. in only 3 short hours. fuck...i must've been flying down that highway at twice the limit and i never noticed once. 85

i hated this city. fucking hated it. it was a cesspool of greed, murder and death. lost children selling their bodies on the street. it was as though i could feel the heaviness of it all...and all the pain as i made my way to malibu.86

i picked up cell and hit number 1. my doctor. it's gotta be pretty sad that your number 1 speed dial is your doctor. i didn't care.87

hello?88

hi. is the doc in89

uhmm...well, actually, yes..he's right here. hold on.90

and holding on i was91

hello92

hey doc93

Tim. How are you?94

ok, i guess95

where are you?96

i'm just about at my malibu home. just wanted to let you know where i was going to be for the next couple of weeks...maybe shorter, i don't know yet.97

you shouldn't be away that long98

i know. i had to. i had to get away.99

hmmm. well, you didn't fill out that paperwork, tim.100

i know101

ok...well do it when you get back and call me if there's any change, day or night, ok?102

i will103

ok. thanks for the call104

no problem, doc. take care.105

YOU take care.106

i will107

bye108

so with that, i wound my way through the streets and rolled into my driveway. leaves all over the fuckin' place. i hired those bastards to keep this place clean and not looking abandoned. fuck. well...whatever. i gathered up the abundance of mess and drugs in the car and stepped out into the garage. it smelt vacant. fuck. why do i need a garage with the space for six cars. waste.109

why? primo real estate. that's all i cared about then. the investment. the return. but for some reason i always refused the idea of flipping this property. i loved it here. hated LA. but loved my quiet spot of retreat here. i walked inside, flipped on the lights. and immediately felt relaxed again. at least the cleaning team had kept it from being a dusty fucking mess. i walked right to the kitchen...laid out my supplies on the counter. grabbed a bottle of single malt scotch from the cupboard. unscrewed the cap and drank almost half of it right from the bottle. 110

stomach just fucking burned. must've been worse too, cause i was so doped from the morphine still...should've killed the pain. laid out some lines. 111

one down112

two down113

three down114

four down115

five down116

six down117

and i was fucking gone again. big inner smile. i felt fucking great. in my quiet house...just the sound of waves in the background....and the beach.118

as i wandered into the living room, i flipped on the plasma for a moment. turned the fucking thing off right away. last thing i wanted to see was more swill of the world. hit the remote for the music and the bar. started the fire...and flopped back into the chair for a moment or two. even with the morphine and booze, i was way too wired to sleep now. just a moments reprise. to take it all in. my memory flashed to the days that this house was filled with activity when we came here. 119

now....dead silence.120

no one in the pool121

no one in the games room122

no one in the backyard123

nothing.124

part of me in my haze was in tears...and the other part was in heaven.125

i walked out on to the balcony and lit a smoke. as i leaned on the banister, i watched with blurry eyes, the ocean sway back and forth up the beach. and i thought...why can't it just keep coming up without receding, and swallow up the whole continent. wash away the filth and garbage. the pollution,....and every undeserving bastard whose life was a waste of breath and air. my life. that thought didn't bring me sadness, but joy. wash it all away. drown. just drown in it. relief to the killed. and death to the killers. 126

and the wastes of air......like me.127

i was so wired, i could've almost handled heading downtown and hanging in a bar for awhile. finding some chick and just fucking the life out of her. but i shook my head. i just wanted to be alone. 128

so i sat129

i smoked130

i drank131

i smoked132

i drank133

did a few more lines134

and listened to the waves and music.135

as night turned to day again, i realized i had been up for two days now...over...136

so i opened my oz of heroin, did a few lines...popped some valium and went to bed.137

i'm here138

i'm alone139

and i'm happy....for the moment.140

141