thunder roared, lighting struck in the distance, and cold drops of rain continued to fall on the ground,yet Emilie took no notice to these distractions. The only thing that occupied her mind was her father. When he came home from work he would realize his daughter had escaped fromt he grips of his bhands. She had finally seen her chance to escape this prison, she once called home. Before she left, Emilie grabbed her jacket and wad of twenties from her dresser drawer. She had hoped it would be enough to catch the night bus out of here. There was no way Emilie could stay another night unless she wanted a black eye in the morning. It was quite tiresome trying to hide the consequences of her "actions." When her mtoher abandoned them 5 years ago, is when the abuse started. "It's you fault she left us." Emilie's father would tell her, therefore she deserved to get beaten. Yet tonight something snapped within her, all she knew was that she needed out. Emilie continued to stagger through all the bushes and branches, getting tangled winthin them, trying to make her way up to the main road. She knew she must be close because she could hear the sound of humming engines. When she finally made her way onto the road, it was empty, she could have sworn she had heard a car, hopefully someone would give her a ride to the nearest bus station, maybe if she bribed hte,. Then she heard it the sound of a car, thank god she said and when she turned around, it was the last thing she saw, the blarring of the car's headlights.1
Author notes
this is the edited version, i think its much better
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Beautifully morbid
Minor proofreading errors like "fromt he grips of his bhands."
"A" wad of twenties.
"mohter"= "mother"
"bribed them" not "hte"
"you fault" = "your fault"
Comma-splice error: using a comma as a period. Be
"...snapped within her, all she knew..."
"was when the abuse started" not "is" as it sounds awkward.
"hte,. Then she heard it the sound of a car, thank god she said and when she turned around, it was the last thing she saw, the blarring of the car's headlights.1"
Rephrase with speech marks and no ",." also without comma-splice errors. Spelling errors too.
Pretty good in the end.
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VERY GOOD
well hun. i reread this... and i still cant tell wat you changed but i still like it. your a very vreative and talented girl. good job and keep it up. HUGS.
~briannabeginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, overall: 6, ending: 2, dialog: 2, characters: 4.
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Good
This part is very well written. I could see, minus details, why the girl Emilie was leaving. The telling was very precise, and was well detailed. Good work. I hope more of what happens is written, because I was left hanging.plot: 5, overall: 6.
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i like... but i cant really tell wat you changed. it still seems the same as the first one. i had a little problem with the misspelt words... but hey we all have that i know i do. anyway other that still amazing. i loved it.
i dont see how its cliche as Lilyz Wild. but wat ever i liked it and i wouldnt say it lacks emotion it just seems like its something you re-wrote. anyway, still amazing. keep it up. love you babe. huggles and smooches.
~brianna~ -
lol what should I do here?grade it? a 6
Well I like the idea,but I think it lacks emotions.I also think it's a bit too short,it'd have been much better if you'd gone deeper into the character and her past and present.A bit cliche,but if first attempt then pretty good I guess
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