I Can't Change It

1

I guess I’m writing about this.. Again.. Sorry.. I just can’t stop thinking about it.. Everything was already so bad.. And just when you think it can’t get any worse.. It does..2

Yesterday.. Trish overdosed.. Again.. She said it wasn’t to kill herself or anything, just to numb the pain for a while, but it still bothers the hell out of me. The last time she OD’d was when she actually tried to kill herself.. And she came pretty close then.. Even though she only took 5 this time, how many will it take next time?3

I was having a really bad day.. As usual.. I was thinking about everything all day.. How did we let it get this far? Cierra’s right.. We have to do something.. But we don’t know what. It surprised me that she could say what I was already thinking.. But it seems like thinking gets me nowhere, except for huge headaches.. Because it seems like there’s absolutely no way out of this.. And even though we’re all together, I guess we can’t help but feel alone.. And I can’t help but feel like that, but what hurts more is that I can’t make Trish feel like she has someone that just loves her.. Me. But yesterday was hard.. I couldn’t do anything at school, I don’t even remember most of what happened there.. I remember writing a lot of things in first period, and then crying when I re-read them.. Then I remember 2nd.. Kind of.. I wrote something else.. I don’t really remember 3rd.. The only part of 4th I remember is sitting, still thinking about it and crying again.. In 5th I wrote another thing.. Damn I wrote a lot yesterday.. I just had a lot on my mind, I guess. Everything after that is just a blur.. I went to see Trish at the library.. She said she was sick.. I know what really happened now, though.. But even when I was with her.. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of this..4

How are we gonna get through this? What am I supposed to do?5

Is there any other way besides dying?6

Then.. A while after I got home.. I was sitting there, looking at her pictures on my cell phone, like I always do. I had all of her notes out, but I always keep the last 2 or 3 from her in my wallet so I can read them when I feel bad.. I’ve read the note she gave me today so many times.. I missed her so much.. Even though I had just seen her.. With how things are going.. 7

Will we ever be alright..?8

….9

It sure as hell doesn’t seem like it.10

And then.. She told me she OD’d.. That’s when I lost it.. Even though I thought my eyes were dry.. Everything just hit me at once.. Everything that I’ve been trying to suppress all day just exploded from me.. I started shaking.. I gritted my teeth as hard as I could, to try and stop it again, but I lost it.. I put my face in my hands against the table and started crying, and there was nothing I could do about it.. Everything that I couldn’t stop.. Her pain.. What she thinks of herself.. What people do to her.. All the things that I want to change.. That I can’t ever change.. And I hate it. After a minute, I realized that I hadn’t been breathing.. So I tried to breathe.. I could only get really short breaths, but I could breathe… I tried to hold back so much.. That all of a sudden.. I threw up.. Even after that.. I still kept crying.11

I love her so much.. I’m so scared of losing her.. So scared that I already have.. It’s like she doesn’t feel me there.. I know how that is.. Because I’ve felt that way, too. But it just.. Hurt.. Like she thinks I wouldn’t care if she went.. Or did something like that.. I’m glad she told me, though. I’d rather know and be upset than not be able to be there when something does go wrong. But there’s a lot of things that upset me.. How people have called her fat.. Stupid.. Ugly.. When she’s not any of those things. I hate it when I hear about someone lying and saying anything bad about her. I want to stop them.. But I can’t stop all of them. And I hate how it’s gotten to the point where she actually believes them.. After all of this happened..12

She told me she’s anorexic.. She said she doesn’t eat that much, and when she does, she feels so bad about it that she just makes herself throw it back up.. Why do people say she’s fat? I seriously don’t get it.. I don’t see how anyone can say anything bad about her.. There’s nothing bad to say.. Really.. She’s beautiful.. Understanding.. Strong.. And most of all.. She loves me.. She loves ME. Nobody else has been able to do that before.. Not even my own family. And she asks me how I can even love her.. It just makes me wonder.. 13

How can she love me?14

I mean.. I’m not at all attractive.. I’m obviously not smart at all, being as how my grades are barely passing.. I’ve never really been good at anything, my brother and his friends made sure that I knew that.. And I’m way too quiet.. I shove everyone away when something’s bothering me, and wonder why they get upset.. 15

How can anyone love me?16

How can anyone get past everything that’s wrong with me and see what nobody else does?17

How can ANYONE love me?18

But she does.. And she asks how anyone can love her.. How can anyone not? It just.. Bothers me.. That she feels so bad about herself that she does what she does.. And I want to change that.. I want her to see what I see.. How perfect she really is.. How she can actually understand and care about me when hardly anyone does. She’s so beautiful.. Inside and out.. I want her to see that.. Because it’s true. I wouldn’t trade us for anything.. 19

Because she means the world to me.20

And to be completely honest.. There’s NO ONE that I would rather be with. 21

I worry.. Because I care.. Because I love her.. Because I want all of this pain to stop so we can be alright.. So we can feel alright.. So we can just be together and feel eachother again, even if it’s only for a little while. But I never want to lose her.. 22

I’m just.. Scared.23

I’m scared that we’re already gone.. I’m scared that there’s nothing I can do to fix this.. But most of all.. I’m scared that my love for her won’t be enough to save us. I don’t know what happens next.. Everything just keeps getting worse.. But no matter what..24

I’m gonna keep trying.. I have to.. Because I love her. I want us to be alright, I want to be with her forever.. I know as long as we’re together, we have some hope that things will be alright.. I’m just.. Scared.. But I love her.. And I want that to be enough. I don’t want to feel alone when she’s right in front of me. I want to fix everything.. But I don’t know how. I want my love to be enough.25

I love you, Trish. I don’t care what anyone says.. You’re perfect. I love you because of the way you are. I love how you can make me laugh when I feel like I want to cry. I love how you can understand me when almost no one else does.. Most of all.. 26

I love you because you’re.. You.. I love you, Trish. I want to fix everything.. No matter what I have to do.27

I love you.. And I always will…28

Love, 29

Aaron30