'Cause this time could mean goodbye.

Every time we argue or insult each other there’s one thing that goes through my head. There’s a song by Stevie Wonder that says “cause this time could mean goodbye” and that’s all I can think. It scares me each and every time without fail that that might be the last time and that that time could mean goodbye, ‘cause I don’t know what I’d do if it did. I just know that one day when I argue with you, insult you or turn you down you’re going to get fed up, you’re going to walk away and I don’t know when that might be, but I just know that one of these times that’s what you’re going to do. 1

But the problem is that whilst that thought goes through my head and it tells me to just take the chance, it tells me that I’m fed up of doing the right thing, of doing the safe thing and that if I don’t take that risk I’ll never know. Whilst that’s going through my head the other part of me says one word. You and me both know what that word is. 2

She’s the reason why I’ve kept away for so long, it’s not because of fear or that I don’t like you or because of my friends, but because of her. Because every time you mention her your face lights up and I just know that if she cared about you like you’ve cared about her then you’d be there like a shot, I can see it in your eyes every time you say her name. I know that I bring her up, but I want to gage your reaction because I never know what you’re thinking but most of the time I think it’s about her. I’ve said it before but the truth is that I’m threatened by her, because she means so much more to you than I could ever hope to, if she called then you’d be right there by her side and I can’t play second fiddle to her. Having said that I believe what you say, when you say that there’s nothing going on, I believe that now, I know that now. And though I’m still scared of her, I can’t bear to let her affect me so much. Especially seeing as I’ve never met her. 3

I don’t really know what it is I’m trying to say here, I guess I’ve realised a lot of things in the past few days. I’ve realised that it feels right when I’m with you and maybe it would be a big mistake, maybe we would both get hurt, maybe it would only last a short period of time, but what if that period of time was great and what if we were happy together even if only for that short period of time. I think part of it’s what I said before, that I’m scared each time we argue that it’ll be the last time because I’d rather argue with you than have nothing to do with you. I’m scared of losing you because like it or not you have become a huge part of my life. I trust you, I feel safe with you and part of me just wants to see if it could ever work. 4

Half of the time all I want to do is throw my arms around you and I know that that sounds stupid, but for so long all I’ve wanted to do is hug you, be close to you and never let you go. It’s not love it’s not even lust but it’s friendship and it’s comfort and it’s trust and you’re the only person that I’ve ever waited for and part of me can’t bear to see that go to waste. Again I don’t know what it is I’m trying to say, I guess it’s what I said once that some things are worth fighting for, but I realise now that fighting this and fighting for us not to be together doesn’t make much sense, so maybe what I’m saying is that we should at least try. Like I said I don’t know what I mean, all I know is that this time really could mean goodbye, and maybe just maybe that means we'll work it out in the best way we know how.5