untitled - HP Fanfic

“What is that, Josh?” asked a middle aged woman who was dressed in her Sunday best.  Her eyes were on her eleven-year-old son, who in turn had his eyes locked on a lovely parchment envelope.1

\To Mr. Joshua David Heaney2

The Living Room3

164 Silver Cyprus Drive4

County Galway, Ireland\5

At first, young Joshua wasn’t quite sure what to say. The letter had been addressed to him, exactly as he was, in the living room with his father.  How had the letter known?  The young boy glanced around at his family, who were all watching him with rapt attention.  His brother Simon had now also joined the family in the room, and he wore a strange expression.  “Go on, Joshy – open it,” coaxed his older brother, though there was a shimmer of doubt in his voice.6

The little boy could feel their eyes all boring into him as his small fingers pulled at the wax seal that was graced with the letter H.  When the letter fell onto his lap, he paused to look at it.  Who would possibly be writing to me? He thought, feeling the pressure of his whole family bearing down on him.  Unable to take the pressure, he turned it over in his hands and read the slanting green letters that graced the page.  As he read, he knew that his parents were reading over his shoulder, but he didn’t care.  There couldn’t possibly be anything within the letter that they couldn’t see, could there?7

\Dear Mr. Heaney,8

I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  In order to –\9

Joshua was unable to read anymore because his mother had snatched the letter from his hand.  Both his parents were glaring angrily at him, and his brother Simon had his eyes averted to the ground.  “What’s this, Joshua?” his mother asked seriously through clenched teeth.  The darkness of her eyes was too much to bear, and Joshua felt tears burning in his blue-grey eyes.  “You’ve been accepted to a school of augury?”  She was shouting now, and Simon looked like his heart was breaking.10

“I don’t know what it is, mother,” Josh whispered as tears threatened to streak his pale cheeks, though he knew in his heart that he was lying.  Ever since he was around five, he had begun to experience strange things.  Making things move with his mind, being able to invade people’s thoughts, all of them started taking place.  At first, it had happened at random, occurring only if the boy was extremely hurt or frustrated.  However, he had been able to control himself more now that he was older.  He had never thought it would lead to anything.  Since it began, he had considered it a gift, just like everyone had special gifts; his brother Simon was a great artist, why couldn’t he be a prophet?  The look on his mother’s face told him that prophecy was the last thing that came to mind.11

“Don’t lie to us, Joshua,” his father added sternly, burning with indignation.  He tore the letter from his wife’s hand and scanned the text shortly, his eyes narrowing.  All the while, Simon was silent, ever watchful of his brother with sad eyes.  Joshua could have known what he was thinking – Simon had been aware of his gift all along and had been helping him build on it and become stronger.  Sometimes it was almost as though Simon himself had a secret intuition about Joshua’s special gift.  But at this moment Simon’s vacant expression gave him away to their parents.  “Simon, you knew about this and you didn’t tell us?” their father accused, his voice rising to a powerful level.12

Simon kept his head down and left the room swiftly, not voicing an affirmative to his father’s question, though the family came to the conclusion that it was indeed the case.  Without another word, Joshua heard the tearing of parchment which was overshadowed by a hand connecting with his cheek.  It was his mother.  He stared at her wide-eyed through the blurred image from his tears and whispered softly, “why?”13

“You’ve sold yourself to the devil, child,” she spoke firmly, her eyes shining as though tears were brimming within them.14

“But I haven’t - ” Joshua began, only to shy back in fear as she raised her hand once more.  She softened only slightly when he pulled back from her, lowering her hand.15

“Witchcraft, Joshua…how could you not?”16

He couldn’t stay any longer and ran to his room, the tears obscuring his vision as he tried to find his way there.  He was stopped momentarily when he noticed his older brother Simon standing in the hallway.  He watched Simon, the soft tears still cascading down white cheeks, and stepped toward him, hoping to seek some comfort in his older brother, his best friend.  When Simon stepped away, it was as though the sun and moon stopped in their celestial orbit.  Even his dearest friend had turned on him.  “Stay back,” Simon warned, watching Joshua cautiously with sad hazel eyes.  “How could you have let them see it?  Why didn’t you tell me first?”  It was his brother’s final words, however, that truly struck him.  “You…Iscariot.”17

“I…what?” Joshua stammered, now feeling more alone than ever before.18

Simon nodded silently, his eyes locked on the small boy as though even the slightest movement from him would cause the entire world to burst into flame.  “Joshua, I can’t talk to you anymore.  You’ve done something that I can’t…”  His brother had tears glistening in his eyes as he spoke, and though they were sad, there was a deeper anger behind them.  “Judas.”19

Joshua couldn’t take it.  He didn’t know what to say.  He had always thought his skills were God-given; why was there any reason to doubt?  Jesus raised people from the dead – why couldn’t he raise books form the table with his mind?  How had he gone from a passionate faith to being a Judas?20

He ran past Simon into his small room, his sobs echoing from the white-washed walls.  From the corner a radio was playing softly, sweet melodies that made his life seem all the more ironic.  He truly didn’t understand what was happening.  How could he have betrayed God?  He hadn’t asked to be accepted to a witchcraft school.  He didn’t even know about Hogwarts or where it was.  His tears began to overwhelm him as he threw himself onto his rollaway, a smooth piano melody soothing his aching heart.  I don’t understand, he thought, his eyes burning from furious tears.  I never thought –21

\Imagine there’s no Heaven…\22

Joshua felt his tears slowing as he melted into the song, his heart still torn and bleeding.23

\It’s easy if you try…\24

Try? he thought, listening intently.  I don’t think I can…I still believe…I am not sold to Satan, am I?25

\No Hell below us..\26

No Hell, he felt more comforted by the words.  I cannon be Hell-bound…I’ve done nothing wrong.  And it’s easy if you try.27

\Above us only sky…\28

The tears that plagued his soft blue eyes were slowing now, some stray droplets catching in his eyelashes and sparkling in the fading light.  His heart was calmed by the gentle piano melody and his vision began to drift in and out.  “To Hell with them all,” he cursed, his small body trembling from his tears.  “To Hell with them.  I’m going.”29

Determinedly he rubbed at his raw eyes with the sleeves of his Aran sweater, forcing a stern expression on his tear-streaked face.  He could not be wrong.  He would not let them damn him with their words.  He would go, attend the school, and apply himself. He would be a successful wizard if it was the last thing he would do.30

As father O’Brien entered the room clutching his rosary and other tools of exorcism, Joshua stared blankly, his eyes blurred from the apathy coursing through him.  His parents and Simon stood by watching with stone faces, hoping to see confirmation of their fears.  Lennon’s mantra strong within his mind, he smiled slightly, frightened and yet amused by the circumstance.  “I’m not Judas, Simon,” he muttered quietly, his eyes roving around the room, over the father, his family, deep into Simon’s eyes.  It was when their eyes connected that Joshua heard the faintest voice in the back of his head, so soft and yet intense.  You will always be Judas, brother, it said, and though Joshua could have sworn it was his brother’s voice he heard in his mind, Simon, apparently disconcerted by the depth of Joshua’s eyes, stepped back, shaking his head.  There was terror underscored by a sick pleasure at the emptiness that was housed within Joshua’s once innocent 11-year-old frame.  As Simon slammed the door, leaving the priest alone with the young one, Joshua could feel the hands of the father on him, the Latin chant tearing through him, shaking the core of his being.  He could no longer contain himself and a cold, bitter sigh escaped his trembling lips.  “To Hell with you all!” he screamed, and in those moments he lost consciousness.31

~*~32

It was strange to think that school had become a haven to Joshua, and that in four short years he had the support system he needed that he never received at home.  His parents were still in the habit of putting him through exorcisms and holy battles that never yielded any success.  It had been fully two years since he had seen or heard of his older brother, and four years since Simon had even spoken to him.  His parents were under the impression that Simon was either hiding someplace where he couldn’t be found, or that he had died, neither of which was beyond the realm of possibility.  When Simon had walked out that day in October, it had been the last anyone would hear from him.  Still, somewhere in his heart, the now fourteen-year-old Josh deeply missed his older brother, despite how he had been treated by him.  That day he had received the acceptance letter to Hogwarts had changed his life – he had lost his older brother and best friend, and had lost the love and respect of his family.  Despite this, he had still managed to become quite skilled in what wizardry he had learned from his professors.33

Now was a moment to be thankful, though Josh was having trouble finding things to be thankful for.  Instead, he was quite tense.  Sitting in the Hufflepuff common room with Cedric, who had been kind to him since that first train ride to Hogwarts, he felt something was different.  His face was burning, his hands were cold, he was having some trouble breathing.  Even so, Cedric seemed not to notice.34

“Just a few more and you’ll have this spell down, Josh,” he coaxed with a smile that flattered his pretty young face.  He nudged Josh, motioning to the open textbook between the two of them.  Joshua was hardly paying attention as he had just come to a realization that was on the verge of terrifying him.  Cedric was a bit put off when Josh didn’t say anything and looked him seriously in the eye.  “Are you okay, mate?  You’re usually quicker than this.”35

Josh shook his head, unsure if he could even speak.  Could what he thought was going on really be happening?  When Cedric put his hand on Joshua’s shoulder, all his fears were confirmed as a jolt of adrenaline rushed through him.  “Sorry, Ced – I…have to go…” he said quickly, and before the seventh-year could say anything, he was up and out the portrait hole.  He could have kicked himself.  Something like this could ruin a friendship, and loosing Cedric as a friend was the last thing he wanted.  In his frustration, he punched the stone wall with all his strength, his knuckles throbbing but his chest feeling less tight.36

“Josh?  What are you doing?”37

Wheeling around, Joshua met the eyes of fellow fourth-year Justin Finch-Fletchy.  The boy looked shocked at the normally soft-spoken, gentle Joshua appearing so distraught.  Josh shook his head at the boy.  How do you explain to a boy you share a room with that you were pretty sure you might be gay?  It wouldn’t have mattered that he had no physical attraction to Justin – the whole situation would be a disaster.  He couldn’t confide in this boy, friend as he was.  It would only cause more problems.38

“Nothing.  I’m fine, Justin,” he said quietly, rubbing his knuckles with his other hand.  The boy watched him cautiously as though he might direct them somewhere else.  Josh put his hands behind his back as a sign that he meant well, but clearly Justin wasn’t convinced.39

“You’re lying,” the other boy accused, though there was a sense of concern in his voice.  “C’mon.  What’s wrong?”40

Josh’s expression darkened considerably when Justin pressed it further.  He wanted more than anything to be able to confide in someone – anyone.  But who could he tell?  Who would listen and not judge him?41

No one.42

“Just leave me alone, okay?” he muttered, and pushed past Justin before the boy was able to detain him.  He was resisting the urge to either break something, or break down.  How could this be happening?  He thought they were just friends.  When did he become so attracted to his friend?43

For several hours, Joshua just sat alone by the lake, watching the water ripple and thinking about what he was going to do.  He couldn’t tell anyone.  He wanted to more than anything, but he knew there was no one to tell.44

It was when evening set in that someone actually found him, though he didn’t notice until his name was called.  Susan Bones, a fellow of his house, looked worried sick as she approached him.  He locked eyes with her, mentally flipping through the pages of her mind until he was satisfied that concern was all that brought her.  With that in order, he broke the connection and collapsed onto his back in the grass, his eyes focusing on a sky bleeding with crimson and magenta as the sun continued to the west.  He didn’t really know Susan all that well; she was soft-spoken like him, and tended to be alone more often then not.  “I wish you wouldn’t do that, Josh,” she said quietly, taking a seat beside him in the grass.  “Can’t you just ask instead of reading my mind like that?”45

Josh wanted to say no, but decided against it.  “How did you know?”46

“That’s usually what you’re doing when you look so deep into peoples eyes like that,” she replied, flattening her robes over her legs.  Josh knew she was right; he would have to learn to be more discrete about it.  But he didn’t say anything further.  There was no use alienating anyone.47

“Everyone is really worried, you know,” she continued, her eyes focusing on the shadowed depths of the lake.  “Of course by everyone, I mean Justin.  And Cedric.”48

Josh sighed.  “Well, that’s something, isn’t it?”  His voice was monotone and low.  He couldn’t risk letting himself get overly emotional.  It was enough that he was on the verge of tears.  God, he thought in frustration, could I possibly be more gay?49

“What happened, Josh?” she asked, turning so she was looking directly into his eyes.  Her expression was very serious, though Josh’s face remained placid.  “Cedric thinks he said something to set you off, Justin thinks you hate him…even Owen’s worried.”  She smiled slightly as she said this.  “But that could be because you’re the only one who understands Arithmancy in the Hufflepuff fourth-years, and he hasn’t done his homework.”50

Josh couldn’t help but laugh at that, as it was most likely true.  He wasn’t particularly fond of Owen, but he did help him out a bit with his homework, as Owen wasn’t exactly bright.  However, the laughter wasn’t enough to lighten his mood and he sat up, hugging his legs to his chest while resting his chin on his knees.  “I’m sorry, Susan.”51

She cocked her head slightly, still smiling.  “For what?”52

Josh shook his head and buried his face in his knees.  “I wish I could tell you, but I can’t.”  And it was true.  He wanted more than anything to tell someone, anyone.  He would tell Susan if he could trust her.  But he didn’t know if he could.  “I can’t tell anyone.”53

It was clear that Susan was confused and a bit hurt by what he said, but she still placed her hand on his hunched shoulder.  “You have to tell someone,” she pressed, trying her best to comfort him.  “If you keep it inside, it will only make things worse…”54

“Don’t you think I know that?” he snapped, though when he realized how harsh it came out he sighed.  “I’m sorry; if there was someone I could talk to, I would.  But I can’t…not right now.”55

Susan smiled kindly, gently rubbing his back.  “Well…you think about it, okay?”  She tried to help him up, and he let her.  He appreciated her kindness, and more than ever wanted to just tell her, to confess, but another deep look into her kind eyes showed him that she would have pushed him away if he told her.  It made his heart ache, walking back to the Hufflepuff common room with her in silence, knowing that she was kind, but would never understand his problem.  He was sorry he had explored her mind at all.  As if I weren’t already damned for being a wizard, he thought again.  When Susan brought him into the common room, he was bombarded by people from all sides, each wondering where he had been for the past few hours.  Justin wouldn’t get out of his face and kept asking what was going on, as did his fellow fourth-years Owen, Eleanor, and Hannah. Cedric was watching from the back corner with concern on his face, but he kept his distance, and Josh had to avert his eyes.  He didn’t say anything as he made his way to the stairs, hoping to find some solace in the fourth-year boys’ room, but he stopped when a hand took his arm.  He glanced up to meet Cedric’s eyes, and he felt his face grow hot once more.  Stop it! he mentally scolded himself, and he tried to appear as natural as possible as he followed Cedric to the window.56

“Are you okay, Josh?” he asked seriously, and for the first time Joshua felt guilty for being unable to tell anyone.  If there was one person who should know, it was Cedric.  He was the cause of his feelings, after all.  “I mean it.  What’s going on?”57

“Yeah,” he replied softly, trying to cast a smile at his friend.  “I’m better now.  Sorry for…leaving like that.”58

Cedric smiled kindly.  “Hey, its okay.  I was just…really worried.”  He glanced over to Joshua’s books, which were still sitting on the couch where they had been studying earlier.  “That was weird, you know?  You sure you’re okay?”59

Joshua nodded.  “One day maybe I can tell you,” he said quietly.  “Some day.”  Cedric looked puzzled but Josh just shook his head.  “Trust me on this one; you don’t want to know.  Not now.”60

There was silence as Cedric contemplated Joshua’s words, and the young man could tell that his friend was burning with curiosity about what Josh had been thinking, but all the same he smiled, a natural and sincere expression.  “Well, okay.  I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”61

And I’m glad just to be with you, Joshua thought to himself, and he got the impression for a moment that perhaps his thoughts hadn’t been entirely hidden to the older boy.  However, Cedric still smiled and handed Josh his textbooks, so things at least were peaceful again.  I just hope it lasts…62

~*~63

Why did she have to be so perfect?64

From his table in the library, Joshua watched her with envious eyes.  It was almost impossible to hate her.  Her hair fell about her pale face, framing her shining almond eyes and the kindest of smiles.  Even her temperament was sweet and pleasant.  It was terrible for Josh, liking her in the state of things.  But as Cedric leaned in to kiss her porcelain cheek, he wanted so much to hate her.65

He felt a nudge from his left and saw Hannah, Justin, and Susan all watching him curiously.  They had all been studying for the potions test that was coming up, and he hadn’t even been aware of his wandering eye.  Hannah had a knowing smile on her lips, and the other two just looked annoyed; Susan was shaking her head, and Justin was now taking notes at an incredible rate.  “What?” he asked sharply, knowing all too well what they might say.  Trying to act as though nothing had really bothered him, he went back to the text and scrolled down through the ingredients for a shrinking potion.  It was then that the smiling Hannah cleared her throat to gain his attention.  Slowly he looked up, meeting her bright eyes and wondering what was hidden behind them.  He wasn’t given the chance to invade her, however, because she spoke.66

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, Josh,” she said softly, still smiling.  Josh could feel his face growing hot at her words.  How could anyone possibly know what he was thinking?67

“Leave him alone, Hannah,” Justin pushed in exasperation.  “It’s none of your business anyway.”68

“Thanks, Justin,” Josh whispered to his friend, and wanted nothing more than to bury himself under a thick layer of dirt.  Being interrogated by Hannah was not how he intended to spend this day.  He forced his eyes back to his potions book, regretting having allowed his eyes to wander in the first place.  However, Hannah wasn’t finished, because she poked at him again.69

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?”70

Josh could feel his entire body grow tense, and he froze as though his secret had just been divulged.  He glanced up to meet Hannah’s mischievous eyes, the fear clearly obvious on his face.  “Why do you say that?”71

She laughed as though it was a stupid question, pushing Josh into a further state of terror.  His gaze bore into her deep, amused eyes, hoping beyond hope that he could overcome that mind, shut her up, keep her from saying what he feared she would say.  “Josh, calm down.  She’s a really pretty girl, I don’t blame you for liking her.”72

His fear vanished.  Wait, he thought, do they think I like Cho?  He started laughing at how wrong they were in their assumptions.  “Yes, I suppose she is,”  he replied, and went back to his studies, knowing he had been saved by a simple misunderstanding.73

“It must be hard, with Cedric being such a good friend of yours,” Hannah continued, now going back to her text.  Josh sighed deeply when she said this, because despite the misunderstanding she was very right about that point.74

“Well, I’d appreciate it if you’d drop it, Hannah,” he replied, and forced his attention to the book before him.  The table grew silent as though his companions could sense the tension that Joshua was trying so desperately to hide.  They eventually grew uncomfortable and suggested saving the study session for Sunday evening.  Susan had a very peculiar expression on her face as she made her way to the Great Hall, as though her thoughts were any range of terrible things, and Josh avoided her gaze.  He knew full well that whatever she was thinking he didn’t want to hear it.  Instead, he followed Hannah and Justin back to the common room, staying three steps behind them in silence.  He wasn’t even sure if they knew he was there, but he didn’t really care.  He wanted to throw himself on his four-poster and gather his thoughts.  He was staring at the curtains around the bed, feeling his stomach churning from a combination of nerves and hunger, but he didn’t venture from the fourth-year rooms all the same.  I wonder what Cedric is doing now…he thought, deciding against finding out for himself.  He didn’t want to see the two of them together.  It only served to make him depressed, and more angry at himself for being so different.  However, he wasn’t free of the older boy – while he was drifting in and out of thought, Cedric came to find him.  Joshua tried to ignore him, still feeling empty inside, but he couldn’t once Cedric sat at the foot of his bed, looking serious.75

“Are you mad at me?”76

Josh sat up and looked directly into his friend’s eyes.  “Why would I be mad at you?”77

Cedric didn’t appear to be upset but he wasn’t cheerful like he usually was.  “Because apparently you have a crush on my girlfriend.”78

At these words, Joshua collapsed backward on the four-poster and sighed.  He could have hit Hannah for this.  “If you had any idea how wrong you were…” he stated, trying to avoid the gaze that he knew was still locked on him.79

“Then what’s bothering you?”80

Josh didn’t want to say it, but it was safer than telling the truth, than giving himself away for what he truly was.  “I can’t tell you.”81

It was as though these words destroyed the stable world Joshua had been trying to build himself at this school, this haven from his family.  “Damn it, Josh!” he exclaimed, standing up and walking to the head of Josh’s bed so he could look down at him.  “How long are you going to keep telling me that?”82

Josh remained silent, but his heart was breaking at his friend’s anger with him.  He never wanted to be the cause of frustration or pain in Cedric’s life, but it seemed he had done it without even meaning to.  “But I can’t…I want to but I can’t.”83

“I’m sick of hearing that,” Cedric replied shortly, approaching the window and gazing out at the vast expanse before him.  “I’ve been your friend…why don’t you trust me?”84

“I do trust you -”85

“Then why won’t you fucking tell me?”  Cedric rounded on the fourth year and it was clear that there was more to what was bothering him than just Joshua’s insistence on being secretive.  Perhaps it was the final test that was wearing on him, being a Tri-Wizard champion and all, but it made no difference to Josh.  He’d had enough.  He couldn’t keep it secret anymore.  Either way he was going to loose Cedric’s friendship – that was clear enough to him.  He may as well tell him.86

“Fine,” he snapped, throwing himself from the bed and walking directly at the older boy, keeping his eyes locked on him.  “You want the truth?”87

Cedric remained stone-faced.  “Yes.”88

Joshua turned and cast a spell, shutting the door and locking it tightly, in case anyone should try and enter the room as he spoke.  There was no telling now what this confession might cost him, but it was all he could do.  “You think you understand.  Well, I don’t have any feelings for your girlfriend.  I think she’s pleasant enough, but I want so much to hate her, Cedric!”89

The older boy was listening intently, though his face was still angry.  “Why?”90

“Because I’m jealous of her!”91

Cedric looked confused at this statement, as though he couldn’t quite place why Cho would make Josh feel that way.  “You mean you want me to spend more time with you?”92

“No, that’s not it,” Josh replied, and he could feel his chest tighten as though any more that he said would cause it to burst, but he couldn’t stop there.  Now that the first words had been spoken, the rest was downhill.  It would come, whether he wanted it to or not.  “I want to be in her place.”93

Cedric was silent, and for the first time his expression was completely impossible to read.94

“Why do you think I couldn’t tell you before?” Josh was on the verge of crying again, and he felt foolish with the tears burning at his eyes, but he couldn’t control them.  Nothing seemed to be under his control anymore.  “How am I supposed to tell one of my best friends that I may be in love with him…when we’re both male?”95

His friend’s eyes had grown wide.   Cedric obviously had no idea how to take this news.96

“I wanted so much to tell you!  More than anything I wanted to be honest with you!  But I knew that you would never feel the same kind of love for me…that you do for Cho…”97

He couldn’t look at Cedric’s shocked expression anymore, and he turned his back on him as tears began to streak his pale cheeks.  It had finally been said, but it had not given Josh the freedom he hoped it would bring.  Instead, all it brought him was a cold, bitter realization at how different he was, how unlike everyone he would always be.  I’m an auger and a fucking sodomite…he thought silently.98

“God…”99

Joshua was surprised to hear any sound from Cedric, as the older boy had seemed too shocked to speak as Joshua screamed at him, confessing all the things he couldn’t say to anyone.  Still, the younger boy couldn’t turn to look at him because he was afraid of what he might see.  There might be hatred in his friend’s eyes; disgust as well.  He would never be able to share the friendship they had once had.  It was ruined, or at least that was what he thought until he felt a presence behind him.100

“I’m…so sorry…” Cedric murmured, and his hand gently touched Joshua’s shoulder, sending a jolt of adrenaline strait to his heart.  “I think I understand now…”101

“Like hell you do,” Joshua replied, pulling his shoulder away from his friend’s touch.  As much as he wanted to be touched by him, it felt wrong now.  He couldn’t deal with it any longer.  “You don’t have to worry about being wrong.  You’re just like everyone else…you don’t even know what its like to be this different.”  His voice had grown empty.  “Do you ever hate yourself for being who you are, Cedric?”102

Cedric contemplated this question for a few moments, and turned Joshua’s face so that they were looking at one another again.  “Right now I do,” he answered, and his eyes showed a shimmer of regret at all he had heard.  “I…if I’d have known…I shouldn’t have even asked.”103

“But you did,” Josh replied, his voice just audible.  A tense silence hung over both of them, an uncomfortable break in the storm, and they stared at one another, unsure of where to go.104

“Look, can I talk to you about this tomorrow?” Cedric asked softly, his voice never rising.  “I want to do something for you.  I don’t…I won’t let this destroy our friendship.”  He was very serious in his tone and he was clearly contemplating how they might be able to overcome a hurdle like this.  “And you shouldn’t either.”105

Josh nodded silently, turning his eyes to the ground.  “I wish I could just take it back…”106

“I do want to help you, Josh,” Cedric pressed, still watching the younger boy.  “I do.  But right now I need to think about the final trial.  You understand, don’t you?”107

Again Joshua nodded, but he was having trouble finding his voice.  “Please don’t tell anyone…”108

“You know I won’t.”109

“Yeah,” Josh whispered, and he waved his hand vaguely at the door.  It unlocked itself with a resounding ‘clunk’, and it was the loudest sound to pass through the room since his previous outburst.  “Good luck,” he said quietly as Cedric made his way to the door.  The older boy smiled kindly at him, though that same regret was still in his eyes as he vanished to his hall.110

It was the last thing Joshua would say to him.111

~*~112

There was an eerie silence over the crowd in the stands, as everyone waited for the return of the champion.  As far as everyone knew, the championship was won by Hogwarts School, as the other two champions had been disqualified.  The students were impatient, one could tell, and the question on everyone’s lips was ‘who will take us home – Cedric or Harry?’113

However, there was something very uneasy about the wait, and though everyone seemed excited, Joshua had a knot in the pit of his stomach that made him worried.  There was something very discomforting about the wait – something that almost felt wrong to him.   The other students didn’t seem to notice; Justin even reprimanded Josh for his nervousness, throwing it aside as petty and assuring the quiet boy that all was well.  “This is a really difficult task, Josh – it could take them a while…”114

It wasn’t so much the wait that had Joshua on edge, though.  He couldn’t really decide what gave him that discomfort, that empty fear, but it was obvious that he wouldn’t get over from a few well chosen words from Justin.115

Then, there they were.  It was awkward, at first, because everyone seemed pleased; music was playing, people were cheering…and Harry was crying.  Something was very wrong.  Josh staggered to his feet and rushed down the stands to the ground, and it was in these few minutes that Fleur screamed.116

Everyone began to flee the stands.  Josh was trying desperately not to break down, because he needed to know; he didn’t want the fears to be real.  One look into the glassy eyes that remained directed at a cloudless sky was enough to tell him everything.117

Cedric was dead.118

For the first time in a long time, Joshua found himself in prayer; his words were sporadic and unrehearsed, but there was nothing more that he could do.  At this point, his mind was closed.  The empty, lifeless eyes that belonged to his friend were an open-window into a mind that no longer existed, and there was still a small part of him that wanted to believe.  So he stood there, praying desperately and watching as all the others around him were falling apart.  His fellow Hufflepuffs were taking it the hardest, and when one of the faculty said something about “he’s dead” Joshua found himself losing it as well.  It couldn’t be true.  It couldn’t.  They were going to be talking tonight, after the match.  Cedric had promised to speak with him.  He couldn’t really be gone.119

Joshua didn’t even notice when Justin helped him to his feet, because he had been crying so hard, his whole body had shaken him to the ground.  “I…can’t…he’s…”120

Justin was kind and rubbed the other boy’s back while he led him back to their common room.  He, too, had some tears in the corners of his eyes, but unlike Josh, he was still holding together fairly well.  They had both lost a friend that day, but for Josh it was more than that.  He had confessed himself to that friend, and now, before the two of them had even had a chance to come to terms with the confession, Cedric was gone.  He was gone.121

As they entered the common room, they were met with a group of fellow Hufflepuffs who were also having trouble accepting this sad news.  Owen was holding Eleanor in his arms, and Hannah was weeping silently by the fire, staring at nothing.  Susan, however, had somehow remained very empty and cold, and sitting beside Hannah she looked neither hurting nor cheerful.  When Joshua caught her vision though, she became very tense.  Justin was still doing his best to comfort the other boy, but Josh was clearly losing his control.  Hannah noticed and came up to give him a hug, and for a few moments they both just cried onto each other, seeking some comfort in each others mutual pain.  Then she spoke.  “I’m so sorry; I know he was your friend,” she said quietly, and Josh choked back another sob.122

“It’s more than that, Hannah,” Susan said quietly, her eyes finally beginning to show a bit of the pain that was behind them.  “I think he was in love with him.”  It wasn’t necessarily a hateful statement, but simply a fact, and yet all the same it caused the effect that Joshua had been dreading ever since he had realized his feelings.  Hannah pulled away from him and was watching him with a mixture of sadness and shock on her face, and Justin was standing by the couch, watching his friend with a wide-eyed, fearful expression.  Joshua knew in this moment that he had been right; no one would have understood him back then, when he first discovered how he felt.  They didn’t understand him now.123

“Damn you, Susan,” he muttered bitterly, still fighting the tears that were slowly overtaking him.  “Damn you!  I don’t care that you know…I don’t care how you found out…why did you have to say it?”  He didn’t bother to look at Justin, or Owen, as he knew what he would see on their faces.  He could almost feel the disgust that was passing between the two of them, and it hurt him deeply.  So he glanced into Hannah’s eyes for a moment before turning and walking slowly to the fourth-year boys’ room.  As he mounted the stairs, he could hear Hannah’s voice echoing through the common room at the other four occupants.124

“Susan, can’t you just keep you mouth shut?  If he wanted us to know, he’d say something!  And you guys…just don’t say anything, okay?  Let’s not make it worse!”125

He was thankful to have her on his side, but he knew enough that things had changed beyond expectations.  Justin would not want to be friends with him anymore, Owen would keep away from him for fear of ‘catching’ it, and Cedric would never say anything more to him.  Praying didn’t help him; he was alone.126

So as he lay in his four-poster that night, crying silently with the image of Cedric’s empty face still tearing through his mind, he made a promise to himself.  He wouldn’t let them take from him what he had left; he couldn’t change for them.  What he needed was to get away from all of it.  He would work.  He would spend his energy trying to complete his studies, do well on his tests, and become as skilled as he could.  There was no point wasting any more time with these people – they didn’t seem to understand, and he had already been hurt enough.  It was over.127

For the next three years of his schooling, Joshua completely shut down emotionally, spending his time with his homework, and being more often then not in the library or his room.  He never spoke with the fellows of his house and rarely saw anyone who wasn’t Hufflepuff.  It was as though he had entirely ceased to exist.  And yet somehow, it was what he wanted.  He didn’t want people to judge him anymore, and it was easier to shut down and exile himself than to feel anything.128

Being numb, he believed, would help him survive, and it was how he lived.  His family ceased to bother him, his classmates ceased to care, and he was alone.  But it was better than allowing himself to be hurt.129