never to be mine

"Never to be Mine"1

Things haven't changed at all. She still notices me only when I make myself known. She only pays attention to me when I practically demand it. I should have known that nothing would have changed; should have known I would still only mean nothing to her.2

Well, nothing other than friends, anyway. She's beautiful, inside and out. I know that's so cliche, but she is. That wavy, curly brown hair of hers, those black eyes...her nose, her cute mouth.... She's so kind and caring; she likes to dig into you deep and help you solve your problems. Also, she's open-minded to new things....3

But she will not be mine, ever. Yet, even though I know this, I can't just forget her. I can't just leave my emotions behind in the dust. I want to--dear God, I want to. I want her small, doll-like hand to be surrounded by my own. Almost everyday I have to take my frustrations and remove them by punching a wall, because I can never have her. I hope that one day she will be the one to soothe me at the end of the day4

There's no real reason to hope, though. A case of unrequited love like this? There's never any hope for the one in love. The reader of such a story always hope that the one in love gets the person they love, but this will never happen in my story. I have already confessed my feelings. I was shot down, of course; I was told I wasn't the one she wanted in her life. There's another involved in all this, of course. Another who gets to hold her and be held by her.5

This other person is also a friend of mine. I met the two of them a few years ago upon entering high school. Well, correction, I met her those few years ago--I had known him through another friend of mine from middle school. At the time, he and she did not really know each other.6

But even then, it soon became obvious she was interested in him. The two had soon become close friends, and later, after much confusion and heartache, came together as lovers. I know this because I watched them struggle together to reach that togetherness. During that time, of course, I hadn't quite fallen in love with her, yet. It wasn't until recently, actually, that I had learned what my emotions were.7

I want to be him so badly; I want to take her by the hand, pull her to my chest and hold her tight, like he can at any moment he wants. I want to know what it's like to be with her, to hold her. If only she would leave him...but I know he has gone through quite a bit, and that he needs her.8

So I opt to watch the two of them grow together. So I choose to sit here and wait. Maybe one day I'll get a chance. Knowing how happy she is with him, it'll never happen if I just sit here and watch.9

But she chooses to ignore my feelings, and chooses to ignore me. I will probably never have her. After all, she has a boyfriend who loves her and needs her, and even though I know they don't always get along (and usually they don't seem to), she loves and needs him too. As a man watching, hidden behind the shadows, I am nothing to her other than the crazy friend who loves her; I am a boy never to be noticed.10

If only I can have her just for one day, to myself...11