I Don't Know What To Say Anymore

I don't get it.. One day.. We're close.. Nobody is talking about suicide.. I love her so much and look forward to every time I see her.. 1

The next.. We all want to die.. We're all so distant.. And yet.. I have nothing to say.2

For one.. Cierra has become so distant.. She hasn't even been catching the bus with us anymore.. It's hard to talk to her.. Well, for me at least. I'm just the worst at talking, because I'm suck a fuckup. She says there's so much to talk about.. But really.. To me.. There's nothing. There's nothing I can say that can fix any of this. I just wish we could be closer, like we were before I messed it all up. But with everything that's been going on.. Me running away.. My family not caring whether I'm there or not.. The way I feel.. How we're all becoming so distant and losing our voices.. How is there nothing to say? I must be the biggest idiot alive, and I fucking hate this. I hate how I can only talk about the way I feel when nobody is listening.. I hate how when someone wants to talk, I have nothing to say. I hate ME, I just wish I could be different.. Maybe then I'd know what to say. But I don't know how to save her.. I don't want her to be gone, but it's like there's nothing I can say or do.. And I fucking hate it.3

And now.. Because of me.. Trish and I are even further apart.. She says she feels alone.. Like nobody's there.. To be honest, I feel the same way. I hate this.. Why can't I just talk to her? We're not even close anymore.. I don't get why she's still with me. I mean, seriously.. I don't see why she hasn't found someone better that will actually be there and talk to her.. I mean.. She says she loves me.. But I guess it doesn't feel like that.. Cause we're getting further apart.. We don't even talk on the bus.. We just sit there.. Even though we hold hands.. I want to be able to talk to her.. But I have nothing to say.. And I hate it. I want us to be close again, more than anything.. But I don't know what to do about it. And I hate it. 4

I know it's all my fault.. Everything started getting out of hand when I left.. If I would have just been stronger and stayed home, maybe things would be alright, like they were before with us. But I fucked up.. Like always.. She deserves someone better.. Someone that will actually be there for her.. Someone as perfect as she is.. Not some fuckup like me. She's just perfect.. And I'm just not. And now that we're further apart.. I just don't know what to say or do anymore.5

All of this.. Because of one mistake I made.. I shouldn't even be here.. This world doesn't deserve a fuckup like me.6