Searching For Perfection

I am 14 years old.  My best friend who is also my boyfriend inspired me to do this.  He still has no idea about all this, but I guess I thought I had to be perfect or good enough so I wouldn’t lose him.  It’s kind of a bad inspirational story, but it does some how relate, thanks for reading!1

Enjoy2

I guess I could never come up with a good reason for explaining all this to anyone.  It seemed to me all messed up, but somehow, it was just the little things that kept me holding on.  When I reached what I wanted to accomplish, the addiction pulled me back in.  It was bad, but I could stop myself….3

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be stuck in one place…” I told Dylan.  That day I must say, I did expect him to ask me back out.  It was just a strong feeling I always get, and I always come out right.  We were best friends, and I could swear no one in our school could be closer then we were.  But the first time we attempted to be in a deeper and more intimate relationship, life, that I knew, began to fall apart.  I found myself making a million mistakes.  I grew insecure and I lost trust in Dylan.  So it all ended, and our friendship did as well too.  But we regained what we lost a month or so after.  I began to think that everything that happened was meant to be, because all that time, I only loved him more that I couldn’t hate him, not even one bit….4

“I don’t want to stay like this either,” he said, avoiding my eyes.5

“So you’re saying we should move on with our lives?” I asked him.  At that moment, I was afraid of his answer, and that he would say yes.  But a gut feeling told me, he loved me… or at least liked me, and he wouldn’t have said yes.6

“…Do you want to go out with me again?”7

My eyes widened, but a smile cracked on my face, “You want to try it again?”8

“Yeah… I do, but that’s only if you want to.”9

“I do, but I don’t want to get hurt again, and I want a long relationship… not a two week one everyone around her seems to have.”10

“That I can promise you.”11

It feels as if that day was recorded and set on replay in my head, over and over again.  I knew what I felt, and how my emotions could change so quickly when he came around made it obvious to me.  Maybe I truly did love him and it wasn’t some puppy love.  You could say I was grateful.12

But now that I had so much confidence, there must have been something I missed or something that had gone wrong.  So I wondered what it was that I didn’t see.  I searched for my imperfections and nearly killed myself.  He appeared so perfect, and I loved him so much, so I wanted myself to be perfect too.  I needed to be perfect!13

It then came to me.  Was I skinny enough?  It was a foolish thing to ask, I was only 112 pounds, and I believe that was the right weight for my height.  But it didn’t matter.  I was convinced ‘the skinnier the better’.  So with that thought in mind, I tried to achieve my goal.  First it was just a regular diet and some crunches.  14

Unfortunately, my family problems could not hold off for just one minute and the stress only brought me up.  I hated myself at that time.  I hated how I looked, how I felt and everything.  It soon bothered me so much, that if I ate just one apple, I’ll feel fat and full of disgust.  15

Eventually, I stopped eating.  Sometimes it lasted for two to three days, at other times I only had a little bit of an apple or orange.  I drank a lot of water to prevent my stomach from growling.  16

I guess when I got sick of it, I wanted to quit.  My friend realized something was wrong with me and tried to talk me out of it.  It was no longer the thought of being skinny and pretty that motivated me to do this to myself.  I now knew that Dylan saw me as a beautiful person even before I did all this to myself.  Therefore, it must have been my personality not my appearance that he had fallen in “love” with.17

I was constantly told to stop.  I tried to eat, but that only made me feel unhappy with myself.  So I jumped from anorexia to bulimia.  I can swear, I had no intention of losing any weight any more.  But it was simply the satisfaction of the emptiness in me that encouraged me to continue with this.  I was addicted to the feeling and I could not quit.  18

I sat thinking to myself one time.  It was sunny outside and it looked amazing.  Then Dylan came into my mind.  That could only make me happier.  I thought to myself, is this stupid to do?  I have no idea what I’m doing wrong.  I don’t want rehab, I don’t want anything.  I just need to be sure Dylan loves me… because I truly love him.  I swear I do… this isn’t fake.  He makes me smile when I’m sad and so happy I can cry.  I love him… I love Dylan.19

So on that same day, Dylan invited me to the library where we were supposed to study for a huge test coming up.  We called up a study group, and it was just me and my ‘crew’ all consisting of Dylan, Becky, Nate, and Jehan.  20

Everyone went outside for their own senseless reasons, and I was left with Dylan.  I knew it was time for us, but I didn’t think they would be spying on my actions.21

I leaned on Dylan and looked up at him.  He smiled at me and said “you’re beautiful…”22

“Is that the only reason you’re with me?”  I asked with an unsure smile.23

“No… because, you’re nice, you care, you’re funny… and you’re not smarter than me so I can make fun of you.”24

At that moment, I was so happy.  I felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart pounding.  It was then silent, and the moment couldn’t be better.  25

He closed his eyes and moved in closer to me… and we had out first kiss.26