She says she understands..but she doesn't. She doesn't know me at all. She made me promise last year that if she ever got into drugs, or alcohol or anything like it, I'd stop her. Well..alcohol has gotten to her..and does she give a damn what I say? No. Now she's smoking too...and did she even tell me? Hell no. She thinks I'll get mad again...well DUH..of course I'm gonna get mad...she fucking made me promise!! She's changed so much..she thinks trouble and all this other shit is cool..well..it's not. I HATE who she is now..I really do. She doesn't fucking get it! She never understands why I'm upset..and always thinks I'm overreacting...she doesn't even understand. It just really pisses me off.1
What ever happened to talking about things? Now my sister hides it all. She's become so distant..and never wants to talk about anything. She doesn't even talk to me anymore..and hides things from me..I must admit..it kinda hurts. She also said she wasn't going to school today...even after I told her I wanted to talk to her and stuff...she wasn't on the bus...but she DID go..why that would bother me...I dunno. Maybe cause it seems like she didn't wanna be around me. Oh well..I can see why she wouldn't.2
Everything seems to be going wrong right now. Everyone either wants to die or leave...and no one understands. I can't talk to my sister anymore because she never wants to talk about anything..and she's really the only one that understands..other then Aaron. But I usually wanna talk about him..not in a bad way...but...with how he is..it's hard to handle sometimes..and I sure as hell can't talk to Sara about it...last time I told her I was upset cause he almost..killed himself...she kinda just said 'oh' and went on moping. She's not the only one with fucking problems!!!! 3
Right now it just feels like I have no one. I know people are there for me and all..but some are so far away..and others just don't wanna talk right now or something...it just feels like I'm alone. And it's so hard to deal with everything by myself. I'm getting tired of looking at the same me everyday...I hate getting up..i wish I could just not look in the mirror ever again..but then I couldn't even do my make-up to at least make myself look half way descent. 4
Sometimes I wish I could go back to cutting, at least it kinda helped. I never really WANTED to stop...but it was hurting people..so I promised I was done with it. I'm not gonna do it..but that doesn't mean I don't think about it. There's something else about me that no one knows...but if I tell anyone..they are gonna get worried and make me stop or something...I don't want that...not yet.5
I don't know how to handle everything right now...it seems to get harder and harder everyday. So I have to ask myself this...Why does God hate me?6
Author notes
I dunno...I just have a lot on my mind and this is what I wrote...
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Comments
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Very emotional. Stream of consciousness.
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OMGsh wow so much can happen is so little days. I am mad that Sara doesnt seem to get it at all. I mean she can come to you with her problems but when you go to her with yours she blows them off, and thats not cool at all. But you better not get back into the cutting, cuz I am trying so hard to stop and with knowing that you havent done it helps me a lot to not do it =). I know how it feels liek you have no one at times but you have to know that you ALWAYS have someone, *cough* like me *cough*. But you OD'd, =(. that makes me so mad! yeah just like yesterday sara told me she starting smoking, and ciggs to! =S. But yeah I am sorry that Cierra seems so distant right now, i hope that she can come to washington with you because that would be great to talk about things and everything. but uhh life always is going downhill just whne it gets to be GREAT eh? but at least you have lovely friends to help you out and aaron too. i so cant wait to come over, because coming over is fun fun fun! but yeah i loev you lots and lots and never forget it! ok? ok!!!!!!!!!
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Trish Wow! My heart feels for you, not in pity but in truth. whether you choose to believe me or not I know and understand you completely even if you can't see it, I know, trust me I know. And if you feel that I'm just talking empty s**t then try me put me to the test....I am willing to do whatever it takes to make you realize how really special you are....God doesn't hate you, the devil does....In this world there are many demons, but there are also angels....We are cas into this f**king world of sin sweetheart, we breathe in the oxygen of pain and hatred every single f**king day! It's pathetic! Why? We may never find the answers! Yet, we have a path of two choices yes/no....That's all we have....We can either put up a fight or let it eat at us till we f**king die! For so long I have had this H*ll burning inside, but I will not blame others for my destiny, for it's what fate has given me....All I can do is live with it and make my decisions and hope that I've made the right one....Sweetie I've lost many loved ones to drug addictions and suicide, For heaven's sake my greatest friend blew himself before my very own f**king eyes! I couldn't believe it! I thought it was a dream, butit wasn't the hole was real, the blood was real! No I am not dramatic but why bend the d**ned truth? Suicide is another h*llbound disease in this cruel world! I hate it so much! If I had the power I would destroy it! Sweetheart it's so difficult to know that people we love hurt themselves but we are only human! We are not perfect, life isn't perfect! We have no control of others choices....Just like I have no control over yours....I do not make promises because they are meant to be broken an awful f**king lesson life has taught me time and time again. Trish I will give you my word and this I will never back out on....Despite of the distance that sets betweem you and I, You must know that in my heart you'll always have shelter....Both of you. Aaron and you....It hurts me to read your words and I know what you are going through for I have rode that piece of s**t rollercoaster many times. And if you think that nobody in this darkened world cares well your wrong cause there's someone right here in this very moment writing you this long a** comment....Please give me a chance to help you my dear no strings attached I do not ask for anything in return....You know something Trish I could choose to be f**ked up, ignorant, and selfish like the rest of this rotten world. Whether you like it or not....I am sorry but I can't because it isn't me....This is MxA this is me! Another imperfection created in this world! The only difference between them and I is that I give a D**n....Smile....I have poured out my soul in this comment....You can take me or tip me over and pour me back out....I am yours and Aaron's loyal and unconditional friend if you want me to be, I will not force myself unto your paths....Take it or leave it either way my doors are always opened, you two have gained my attention, my admiration, my love, my respect....If giving a s**t is a crime, then arrest me! When you hurt I hurt....The choice is yours....
MxA
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ok trish? thanx alot...you've officially made me feel like fuking shit! and fuk! u really know how to stretch the truth! i don't think trouble is cool...i do it cuz i want to and maybe...have u even ever thought of this?...i did it to get back at the fuking people who screwd up my life and u know who i'm talking about!. also these things help me when i have nothing else to turn to.i've always been there for u and i do understand... and when u told me about aaron..i didn't say "oh" i talked with u about it... and now you want him to hate me too...thanx! ya..maybe i have changed alot..but that's just how it is and u have no idea. u think it's b-cuz i wanna be rebel...NOT!...i'm not even gonna go into y i'm like this..but i know u hate me..so just leave me the hell alone and stop trying to pull me down more then i am. when i'm depressed or w/e i don't just mope around...i hide it and whenever ne one says what's wrong i say " nothing i'm fine, just alittle tired" and i smile just to get them off my back... but u don't c this..cuz u r the one that doesn't understand wut i've been through.and u just say that i mope around..nobody does understand unless they have experienced all of the exact same stuff and i doubt that ne one i know has. and oh ya...u don't even know everything....i always held this one secret from everyone and it has been a part of why i am who i am...but u'll never know cuz u don't understand. so i'll i have to say is sorry im such a fuk up. but u don't need to make me feel ne worse.
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And I know I said I don't wanna lose you about 50 times.. But I really don't.. I'm scared of it more than anything right now.. But yeah.. I'm just.. Ugh.. I want it to go back.. But we can't, can we? I'll do whatever it takes to be close to you again.. Because I love you.. And that's what you do when you're in love.. I love you so much.. And I'm so scared.. I just.. Love you. Is that okay?
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Trish.. I know exactly how this is.. Cause I've been feeling it, too.. I've felt alone.. Even when you're there... I still feel alone.. I know people care and are there for me, but I still feel like I have no one.. I want everything to go back to the way it was, before I came along and fucked it all up.. I want us all to be close again, like we were before.. I want us to stop thinking about suicide and start being alright again.. But it's like all I can feel is my love for you.. Your pain.. Cierra's pain.. My pain.. And that's all.. I just wish there was something I could do besides sit here and do nothing.. And it's like suicide is the only way out for any of us.. But more than anything.. I want to be close to you again.. We've grown further apart.. And it's my fault.. Cause I don't talk.. I WANT to talk.. But I don't know what to say.. I don't wanna lose you.. I've already lost so much, please, I don't ever want to lose you, Trish. I want to be close again.. I want to tell you EVERYTHING.. Because I love you, Trish, I don't want to lose you, and it feels like I am.. Like I already have.. And I hate it, Trish, I hate it more than anything, I want to be close to you again. Can we please try?? I don't know what to say.. But I want to be close again.. I don't wanna lose you.. And I'm so scared of losing you, Trish.. I'm so scared.. I don't want to lose you.. But I'm losing you.. Slowly.. I don't want to be alone.. Please.. Can't we do something about it? I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be close again, because I love you, Trish. I'm so scared of losing you.. I love you.. And I always will.
Forever yours,
Aaron
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