Experiment: Love

A luminescence surrounded her heart-shaped face as it lighted up with joy and elation. Like a hothouse flower, love had caressed her soft glow and gently unfurled the delicate velvet petals. In the opalescence of the moonlight, she almost looked beautiful.1

Not that it mattered- to me, she had always been beautiful, from both the inside and out. I had been the only one who realized how truly precious and rare she truly was and she was like my own hidden treasure.2

All those other ignorant fools had passed her on the street, her unique fragrance evading their radar as they searched for the luscious and sinfully red roses. I- and only I saw the bashful and hidden beauty of the rare orchid in front of me. But one day, a person slipped in. The fool in shining armor, the wolf in sheep’s clothing, the arrogant sparrow donning peacock feathers: he got past the white wicket gate, the decoy red roses, luscious peach trees and snatched up the true treasure of the garden.3

And then, just as easily as he had plucked the orchid from its stem, he had abandoned the beautiful flower on the garden path when he saw another more beautiful treasure.4

It just wasn’t fair.5

I had been the one who comforted her as she sobbed over gallons of ice cream when the fool had left her. I had been the one who had helped her dress up and choose her outfit when the fool wanted her back again. I had been with her since forever- through kindergarten…to high school…even through college…I had stayed with her all the time as her best friend. I had been the one who had been at her side, waiting for her to lean on me- forever, if it truly needed to be so.6

It should have been me.7

But it wasn’t. 8

What did that he have that I didn’t?9

But just one look into her eyes and I knew the answer.10

He had courage.11

For what use is a great love if it is never shown? 12

He had been the one who had splurged the money to buy her chocolates, flowers, jewelry. He had been the one who called her every morning to leave little notes of adoration and fluff. He had been the one who spirited her away for their own little day of fun every February 14th. He had been the one who knelt down, pulled a small red box from his suit pocket, and presented her with the unbreakable band of trust.13

And then he, he had been the one who stood proudly beside her, gazing adoringly at her in her white dress, as if oblivious of the priest standing in front of them, the bride’s mother sobbing in her handkerchief, and the impish grin of the best man beside him. He had been the one who slipped that golden circle of love around her finger and he had been the one who captured her lips in a everlasting kiss that pained me as I watched, moisture gathering in the corner of eyes before I hurriedly brought my arm up to inconspicuously wipe it away. 14

That’s what I had done all the time. Watch. I was just a spectator, someone who lacked the courage to join in on the stage. Every time I saw her, I tried but it never came out right. If only I had known the punishment- maybe I would’ve tried harder. But I never foresaw what would come. I never knew that someday, she wouldn’t always be next to me. The procrastination, the delays, the excuses- it had all cost me in the end; it made me lose her. 15

Of all the objects I could possibly lose- that was the greatest loss of all.16

And now, she looked at me, oblivious of the anguish I was feeling. It had been only two hours since he had led her to the altar and she was no longer mine. She was now a part of someone else- her last name had changed, further cementing her with him, making her lose more of her identity until she completely fused with him and they became one person: husband and wife- spouse. I felt as though it was all slipping away- everything. The moment he had taken her, my entire world had come crashing down. 17

It slightly reminded me of the snow globe my grandmother had given to me before she had died. It was merely a delicate glass ball and inside, in the midst of the glowing bits of falling snow, there had been two doves, their wings intertwined and their beaks facing each other. It was so delicate. So beautiful. So pure.18

Then just one small prod and it had slipped off of the mantelpiece, falling to the floor and shattering into millions of shards. It had been a shell-shocked moment for me when I realized what had happened to my last remaining reminder of my grandmother and I remember that I had crouched down and stared blankly in horror at the glass pieces. However, the biggest shock had been the two doves. 19

The one conjoined piece had snapped cleanly into two pieces. 20

Separated.      21

But that loss I had felt as I had stared helplessly at the glass shards…was but a mere fraction of the pain I was feeling now, as she looked up at me, her beauty and happiness clear on her face. I had always tried to make her laugh, the smile on her face seemed to light up the whole room and brighten the entire atmosphere. And now, it was ironic that the reason behind her smile was him. 22

“Will.” She said, my name gracing her lips, making that one syllable sound like a lingering note of music. “I just wanted to say…thank you.”23

I blinked at her voice, always sweet and poignant in my ears. “For what? I should be the one thanking you- for inviting me to your wedding and everything. And if you’re thanking for the gift, there is really no need.” 24

She continued on as if I had not spoken. “I wanted to thank you for everything. For being there when I needed you, for helping me in times of trouble, for letting me lean on you when I needed support, for standing by me when no one else was there, and…for letting me cheat off of you in eighth grade for that big final…” She grinned and I felt the contours of my face relax into a similar smile as she hugged me in gratitude. 25

Just a friendly, impersonal hug; as always. Nothing more. She didn’t feel the fervor behind my hug as I circled my arms around her, as if wanting to hold her in my arms forever.26

If only she could see the cold grip of iron around my heart…If only she knew how much she has meant to me…If only she could feel the same way that I felt…If only she could see the hurt in my eyes as she stood next to him…27

If only she knew that she never ever needed to thank me for anything because just being with her and having her nearby…was payment enough…28

The emotions welling up in my throat choked me in the fervor of the feeling. My sweating palms, the sudden parchedness of my throat, my eyes swiftly evading her gaze all became so real to me as I released her and stood awkwardly, wringing my hands in contemplation.29

“Tell her. Tell her- it’s your one last chance. One last chance before she disappears…forever from your life.” A voice hissed. “She’ll be gone and she’ll never know. Let your conscience finally have some rest after all these years.” It gave me a small push. “Tell her.”30

I lifted my eyes slowly as I opened my mouth to tell her- to tell her everything and let it all spill out of me at once, this last heartbroken, yet relieving confession. “Mariana…”31

Her gaze was intent and so full of emotion, as always.32

“I just wanted to say that…for all these years…I…”33

“Yes?” Her eyes now bore into mine, as if steeling me to say those words.34

I can’t do this! It’s too hard!35

I swallowed uneasily. 36

“I…I wanted to thank you in return for being a good friend to me as well.” 37

She looked at me silently for a moment before quickly turning away. However, before she faced the wall, I caught the slight tinge of sadness and…disappointment…in her eyes. She drew her breath sharply before exhaling. “Oh…”38

She bit her lip, a habit of hers when she was nervous. “Well…you sure you don’t want to thank you for anything else? Like me letting you practically copy my essay for Economics during senior year because you forgot to do it?” She laughed lightly, as if trying to dispel the tense moment between us. However, the laugh came out sounding forced- rather like my own pained smile that I cracked at her joke.39

Our strained laughter slowly descended into an awkward silence as each of us tried to think of something to say. Finally, she turned towards the moon, basking in its gentle glow. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” She sighed and walked over to the edge of the terrace, moving closer to the bright orb in the sky.  40

I only nodded mutely in reply, my eyes on her, instead of gazing at the moon.41

“Don’t you think it almost looks like a bird, a dove, almost? It’s so white and…pure…and delicate. It seems like it could be so easily damaged and we would all be left without a gentle light to guide us through the night.” She sighed as she rested her elbows on the iron rail.42

Just looking at her, her petite form framed by the glowing caress of the moonlight, her hands lightly poised on the rail of the terrace, her hair billowing slightly in the delicate breeze of the night; my heart suddenly reached out with another burst of emotion. How could I possibly let her go? How could I possibly live without her? How could I possibly live with the fact that it would never be me standing proudly next to her- it would always, always, always be him?43

I had to tell her.44

I had to tell her everything. I couldn’t possibly do this and live with the guilt of keeping it all hidden inside. I couldn’t possibly deal with my conscience for the rest of my life.45

I have to tell her.46

She suddenly turned around, as if finally noticing my piercing gaze, and caught my eye. “Will?”47

It was amazing how beautiful she was all the time. Caught up in the fervor of the moment, I quickly leaned down and encased her lips with mine.48

At first her body tensed up at the sudden kiss but as I gently teased her lips open with my tongue, she leaned into me and kissed me back, the passion from both of us melding into one. I slowly backed her into the railing of the terrace, my one hand pressed against the small of her back while my other hand caressed her silky hair. She smelled faintly like orange blossoms and as I pressed closer to her, the scent filled and steadily intoxicated my senses.  49

Her hands cautiously left the back of the railing and she reached up to entangle her fingers in my hair. However, the second she touched me, I suddenly remembered where I was. 50

I was kissing my best friend.51

I was shoving my tongue down the throat of my best friend.52

I was playing tonsil hockey with my MARRIED best friend at her wedding.53

Oh god. What was I doing? No. 54

No. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. 55

My eyes snapped open abruptly as I realized what I was doing. I pulled away from her, abruptly breaking off my kiss and in the shine of the moon, I could see her shocked gaze. “Will…” She whispered. 56

I stared at her in horror as I suddenly fully comprehended the rashness of my actions. This was her wedding for Christ sake! “Mariana- I’m sorry, I’m didn’t mean to kiss you, I got caught up in the moment, please just forget that this ever happened and I promise you that it won’t ever happen again and-.”57

She pressed her fingers against my lips, abruptly stopping my speech. “It’s okay, Will. You don’t have to apologize.” She looked up shyly. “I enjoyed it.” 58

Her words caught me in the face and they jolted a shiver through my body. “W-what?” I stuttered.59

She looked up this time, staring fully into my eyes. “You never realized but I…I…I love you. You never knew, you always thought I was just your best friend but all this time- I’ve always loved you even before we became best friends. I always got so jealous when you got other girlfriends, other girls who were probably better than me, other girls who were more beautiful than me, other girls who could probably win your heart in two seconds while I couldn’t even make a single small dent. I only married someone to make you jealous but now I realize how stupid I was, marrying someone who wasn’t you, someone who couldn’t possibly compare. You can’t possibly know how long I’ve loved you.” Her voice was pleading. “Please, Will, please tell me you feel the same.”    60

I bit my lip to prevent myself from spilling out the feelings burning in my heart. All my life, I had waited for this moment, the moment when I would be able to tell her everything; all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, all of my longings. And only in my deepest, most forlorn dreams had I ever imagined her returning my feelings.61

But now- it was like a dream come true, to have your lifelong love professing the same feelings for you that you felt so strongly for her.  62

But as I opened my mouth to say the three words that would seal away everything, I paused in realization.63

It would never do. It would never be right. We could never happen. As much as it hurt myself to admit it, it was true. She was married to another man, a good man, despite my dislike for him. I would always be the third wheel. She deserved happiness in her life, with a man to take care of her and without someone like me digging a rift in their relationship.64

We could never be together.65

“I’m sorry.” I said. 66

And then I ran.67

Away from her, away from my conscience, away from my feelings, away from the white figure still standing on the terrace and the white moon with its searching gaze.68

Just like the two doves.69

Forever separated. Never to be together.70