the bus

They sat next to each other, 1 metre apart. A small distance relatively but a gulf of history and emotions lay between them. They both sat listening to their Mp3's, both in their own worlds.1

James was humming to some smooth jazz, frank Sinatra it seems, whilst Nikki was tapping her feet and nodding her head to some shouting rock band of some deception.2

James turned and inquired if she was cold, to this she replied with "slightly" both to James amusement and irritation, he hated when people would use such neutral turns but proceeded to take off his coat and throw it over her anyway. they then resumed their silence. 3

James cursed silently as his battery's went dead, leaving him in silence. He sat there for a bit. watching the cars  and people go bye outside the bus, building the courage he needed to talk. he turned to Nikki, inquiring what she was listening too, and asked if he could listen too.4

He moved closer, becoming silently uneasy with this closeness, he studied her, her perfectly formed lips, her small nose with a bump in it, her dark mysterious eyes and her died hair, of which she was so proud of. He placed the earphone in his ear and sat close to her, listening.5

he started to sweat slight as his manhood rose, due to this closeness.6

He laid back against the seat, with his feet up, slouching.7

With his head against the top of the seat he closed his eyes and began to breath deeply. 8

He wished so much to touch her, to feel her closeness again, this was in fact part true. He wished for someones, any ones closeness. He'd never felt more lonely in his life. Sure enough to his fears she stirred, he thought she would move away, but he felt her breathe on his face. 9

He open his eyes in confusion and found her lightly pressing her lips on his. 10

He turned red, unable to talk when she moved back to sit beside him again. he has happy because someone had gotten close to him, happier that it was Nikki but also embarrassed that it was in such a way, especially with him thinking he was top dog and that it should always be the men coming onto the girls. but he was glad for at last the romance was newly born..11

Author notes

A short script, probebly not all that good, but it was a quick written one anyway. imspired by some though on me and some person (although the names have changed and things have been added to make it less dull! )

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Comments


  • Tiger-Lily gold member
    April 8

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    Fairly ell done for a quick piece! Just some issues:

    Um, hint. Try using a Capital in the title. It indicates more professionalism.

    This didn't really make sense: "shouting rock band of some deception.2" Deception means lies or falseness.

    Ah, Capitals at the start of a sentence!!!

    "too" = "to". Only the first one, though!

    I take issue with this sentence : He moved closer, becoming silently uneasy with this closeness, he studied her, her perfectly formed lips, her small nose with a bump in it, her dark mysterious eyes and her died hair, of which she was so proud of.

    Comma-splice error, cos you used a comma where you should've used a period or a ";".

    "died" = "dyed"

    "...to breath deeply. 8" needs to be "breathe", word in present tense.

    "...He wished so much to touch her, to feel her closeness again, this was in fact part true. He wished for someones, any ones closeness...."

    Comma-splice errors again! Use periods to control the flow! Also a possessive noun like someone's needs and "'s".

    Line 11: "has happy" = "was".

    Good work, though