"You see then, I was no dreamer you awoke from sleep." - This sentence was written by Sophocles in his play Oedipus the King.
This was for a contest that was to create a short story based on the opening line.1
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"You see then, I was no dreamer you awoke from sleep."3
I jumped at the voice that came from the corner. Although it was barely above a whisper, it seemed to reverberate off the cavern walls. I slowly made my way over, thinking that I may have missed something in my cursory initial search. Shining the flashlight over every inch of the small area, and seeing nothing, I convinced myself that I must have imagined the whisper.4
Fighting the goose bumps that refused to go away, I turned to the opening and took up position so I could see over the park below. The antique styled street lamps gave off just enough light to see by, but were dim enough so it didn't ruin the 'romantic' feeling of the tree lined area. Readjusting the headset on my radio, I called in to check on the others who had taken up surveillance positions throughout the immediate area.5
The hair on the back of my neck rose as a cool breeze seemed to come from behind me. Not wanting to turn around, but knowing I should, I quietly released the safety from my weapon and turned. As I hoped (and expected), nothing was there. Exhaling the tension out, I turned back and quickly scanned the area below. 6
I always hated waiting, and the small dark area I was in made the feeling even worse. I wished for the tenth time that I hadn't been assigned the fake cavern that was located at the top of the rock climbing wall. I shuddered to think what some people actually did in here after they climbed to the top, and made a mental note to not touch anything.7
Wishing that the kidnappers would show up to get the ransom from the fountain in the middle of park, I fought the urge to radio another police officer to ask if they had any weird feelings. I suddenly felt like I was being watched, but knew it to be impossible. If any part of me were visible, someone else on my team would have radioed to tell me.8
While waiting, I tried to recall the words I thought I heard. Something about not being a dreamer from sleep… no, it wasn’t coming back to me. And I would be happy for the rest of my life if I never heard it again. It wasn’t that the voice was evil sounding; in fact, it had been a rather pleasant rich baritone of a voice. The part that had set me on edge was that I had heard it at all.9
I sometimes hear voices in my head, just before falling asleep. In that semi-awake state, I can hear all sorts of things, complete sentences that appear out of nowhere and are gone before I even know what they say. Sometimes it is just my over-worked imagination, while other times it’s shown to be a prelude to something happening.10
A click in my headset brought my attention back to the park below, and I watched as a man made his way in to the area surrounding the fountain. He could have been any ordinary man out for a late night stroll, or someone cutting through on a shortcut from a neighborhood bar…except that he looked far too innocent. Even from where I was positioned, I could tell that he was trying too hard to look like he wasn’t looking at the small case by the fountain.11
He casually walked to it, picked it up, and kept going. If all went according to plan, the victim would be dropped off at the east gate of the park. Keeping the man in my sights, I waited for the signal that the victim was safe.12
Before I knew what I was doing, I realized that I was half way down the rock climbing wall where my cave had been, and I was grabbing for my radio to answer the demands my superior officer was yelling into my ear.13
"Trust me on this," was all I replied back, not really knowing why I was running across the park in the opposite direction from the east gate where the victim would be, and away from the man who had picked up the case. He was the least of my worries, and at that moment I didn’t care if he got away or not.14
I glanced to my side as I ran, noticing that my usual partner had left his hiding spot and was jogging with me. 15
"Don’t ask," I said between breaths before he could say anything, "I have no idea what I’m doing, only that I have to do it."16
He nodded his head, knowing well enough by now that I did things sometimes that, although seemed unusual at the time, usually turned out to be the right thing.17
I skidded to a stop, and quickly looked around to get my bearings. I could hear my partner fielding questions over the radio, and getting an update on both the kidnapper and the victim.18
"Damn!" I yelled as I suddenly realized that I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going, or why I had left the cave. I put my hands over my face and inhaled deeply as I tried to concentrate and grab on to the miniscule hint that was trying to lead me.19
"Perp got away," my partner said quietly. "No sign of the vic."20
Damn, damn, damn. I removed the hands from my face, still willing the hint to show itself.21
My partner stared at me for a few moments, sympathy showing on his face. "Come on," he said. "Let’s go." He turned and started to slowly walk away. "Go home, get a good night’s sleep, and…" he stopped and looked at me. "What?"22
I must have looked stupid staring at him with my mouth open, but something he said clicked in my brain. The hint that had been sitting in there exploded and my eyes opened wide in recognition.23
Turning, I ran for a small area in the park that held the ‘Mini Putt’ miniature golf course. The ninth hole was a replica of a Sphinx, complete with a mouth that opened and closed to either admit the golf ball, or keep it out.24
My partner caught up with me just as I was making my way around the back of the sphinx. I turned and answered before he could ask. 25
"You see then, I was no dreamer you awoke from sleep," I said. 26
"Wha?" He stared at me like I was deranged.27
I went back to trying to check out the sphinx. "When I was in the cave," I said, knowing how insane it was going to sound, "I heard a voice that whispered that line."28
"I see," he said in a neutral voice.29
"It’s from Oedipus the King, by Sophocles."30
"I see." 31
Suddenly annoyed, I glared at him. "See, or don’t see, I don’t care, but give me a damn hand checking this sphinx out!" I turned back to what I was doing, and noticed a small piece of the back panel with small scrapes on it. The full moon didn’t show the whole panel, and I reached out for the flashlight as my partner finally decided to humor me by helping.32
I shone the light on the panel and heard my partner call for back-up…whether it was to deal with me, or for whatever was inside the sphinx, I didn’t know; and didn’t really care.33
"Oedipus answered a riddle by the Sphinx," I tried to explain. "It’s a long shot, but…"34
"Move aside," he said as he grabbed handcuffs off his belt and stuck one into the small edge that separated the panel from the rest of the statue.35
After he pulled it out far enough, I shone the flashlight in, gasping as it played over the still features of a woman lying on the ground. "She’s in there."36
"Move," he said as he grabbed the panel and pulled it back. I took a step out of the way and called for medical rescue.37
Twenty minutes later, the victim was on her way to the hospital. She had a chance for survival; one that had nearly been taken from her by the man who decided that his need for money was greater than her need for life.38
My superior just looked at me as she approached. I sighed to myself, wondering how I was going to explain how I knew where the victim was being hidden.39
"I want a full report by morning," was all she said before turning and walking away.40
"Yes, ma’am," I said to her retreating back. My partner and I walked away from the sphinx and mini golf course, and headed back across the park. Noting the late hour, and knowing that I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep even if I wanted to, I decided to head to the precinct and start on that report.41
I slowed down as an eerie feeling came over me, and shook slightly as my whole body shivered. Once again, I felt like someone was watching me, and I glanced up. The cave I had been in was just to my right.42
"You okay?" my partner asked as he traced my stare.43
"Yeah," I said slowly. I would most likely never know where that voice had come from, and I don't think I wanted to know. I looked away from the cave and nodded. "Yeah."44
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Author notes
"You see then, I was no dreamer you awoke from sleep." - This sentence was written by Sophocles in his play Oedipus the King.
This is for a contest that was to create a short story based on the opening line.
In a list
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Great read.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Beautfil and Well Written
I loved this. I absolutely loved this. I'm not quite sure what to say about it, though. It was wonderfully written, and I only noticed a couple mistakes (I'll get to those later on). You built up the tension so well...And it resolved nicely. I'll admit though, what I liked most, is how the character's gender is hidden from us throughout the entire story (At least, I'm pretty sure it remained hidden. I might have missed something or other...). I think that's why I liked this story more than I did some other first person stories...
Now to mention what I thought were typos. In paragraph 4, first line, you have goosebumps, and I'm pretty sure goosebumps is two separate words. So, basically, I think it should be goose bumps. I might be wrong though, so you might want to check for yourself....
The other thing I noticed was in paragraph 21, third line. You have "...he stopped at looked at me." I think the first 'at' should be an and. Of course, I might be wrong...It wouldn't be the first time...Those are actually all I noticed. I'm glad, too, because although typos are often times small, they detract from the piece as a whole.
Oh boy did I write a lot...Well, since you read all of that, I hope at least a little of it helped.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks! I never mind it when people point out errors. At times the author reads it so much that the easiest things are missed.
I'm off to fix those errors!!
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lol
i wouldve given you a three aplause but didn't have enough points, lol. -
AWESOME!
You have to write anoter one, YOU HAVE TO CONTINUE IT!!! That was really good kept me on the edge of my seat. I love a good mystery book. Finish this story and thx for sending it to me!!!!! i loved it it was really deep and well thought.
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Really interesting idea. I loved the suspense and it was kind of scary the whole way through. Fantastic job.
xoxo
Kelsey -
Pretty good
This story was definitely a creative use of that line, way to go!overall: 6.
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Excellent
I felt connected to the characters and I was enveloped by the plot entirely. The spinx fountain thing was a little far-fetched, but this is fiction after all. Nice job ^_^beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 8, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Thanks
This was written for a contest, based on the opening line.
Once the contest is over, I plan on revamping the storyline a bit. -
Kept my interest right through
A gripping story. The only offkey part was a cave up in a park with a fountain? Could not quite relaate to this. I know it was moonlit but could you really see that much of a fountain in the middle of a park and a guy sauntering over to pick up a bag? Give me another location thn a too convenient cave and you have an excellent storybeginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, overall: 6, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I love the whole idea of it, the beginning drew me in like a fish on a hook, but the ending left me a bit disappointed you explained everything as if you pulled it out of the air with your characters, maybe if there were a little more to it but it'd be a longer story for sure. I still love it, interesting thought for a story wow!
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Interesting Beginning!
This is not my type of story, but I did enjoy the plot. Super-natural voices and intuitions always hold a sweet spot for me, even if the modern era doesn't. Maybe if you had given a bit more of a background on the story, or if there was a continuation, the story would make a bit more sense to me. Over all, great job!
Kate
beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 2.
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great story loved it so intense and kept my intrest kep it up
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, overall: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Cool. I like it. I agree with the others that it held my attention....and I don't even like creepy stories
(and this one was kind of creepy.....but good)
Edited on Mar 22, 5:48 p.m. because 'fixed up'. -
Got it... thanks
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Wow, cool story! Definitely kept my attention throughout - and that's saying a lot at 7am
(PS: small typo: "He turned AND started to slowly...") -
Wow, I read this, somethings confused me in the beggining but it all was cleared up. This is very nicely written. I could see it all occuring in my head and it was like you couldn't stop reading. A pro or at least one that knows the gift at this can really make great stories and succeed. It was a nice ending and it still leaves us hanging on who had told her. I'm still working on making some really great short stories but I guess it takes time and skill. Thank-you for this write that you shared.
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Bravo!
Incredibly unique, I would've never thought of using the prompt in that manner. I love the connection with Oedipus and the Sphinx, and how you related it to the story. The ending was wonderfully mysterious. -
Thank you kindly Errors corrected
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Ms Barbara, you write stories very, very well and not nearly often enough (for me). You can get inside my head, not many writers can. You’re the master, thank you. ----
Edited on Mar 20, 12:08 because ''.
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