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I checked my watch and then the clock hanging on the wall. Ten minutes left. I moved to another table, stacking mugs and plates up, carrying them back to the kitchen. I caught sight of Carol and called out her name. 2
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"Carol! Is there any chance I could get off ten minutes early?" I asked, brandishing a grin. 4
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"Why would I do that, Damien?" she said, parting her lips in a smile. 6
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"Come on, please?" I whined, looking hopeful. 8
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"Oh, alright. But only if you make it up next Saturday!" she said as I dashed off, ripping the apron from around my waist. I jumped into my car, hastily backing out the parking lot and turned up my music, singing absently as I peered round a corner. I nervously tapped my fingers on the steering wheel. I loosened up a bit, reassuring myself. A car pulled out in front of me and I growled, beeping the horn. 10
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I eventually got home, unlocking the door and heard the sound of shouting. I felt a surge of anger inside myself and dashed up the stairs, scanning Frankie, my twin’s bedroom. I felt my breathing catch and I ran downstairs. My parents stopped as soon as I walked in. 12
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"Mom? Dad? Have either of you seen Frankie?" I asked breathlessly. 14
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"She’s upstairs in her room" Mom said, looking confused. I shook my head, eyes squinting. She looked suddenly crushed and I felt slightly sorry for her. 16
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"Has she left the house?" I asked, trying to stay calm. 18
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"No, why on earth would she want to?" Dad cut in, looking cross. 20
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"Because you guys argue all the time!" I shouted, my voice raising. "You just don’t understand!" I threw my arms up and thundered upstairs, hearing my parents behind me. "Just…help me find her" I mumbled, not wanting to carry on. The nodded and I headed to the bathroom. My hang hesitated on the handle. I squeezed my eyes shut and drew a sharp breath, opening it quickly. I braced my self, and opened my eyes. Empty. I breathed a sigh of relief. 22
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I slid down the door and thought. She obviously wasn’t in the house, or she would answer or have at least emerged when I shouted. I hated to lose my temper when she was around, staying calm worked best with her. 24
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I stood up suddenly, grabbing my car keys. I slammed the door to let my parents know I had left and headed to my car. 26
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The streets were getting dark and I bit my lip. I flicked my headlights on as it got increasingly blacker. I glanced to the left and saw a figure. I slowed down slightly, gasping with relief. She stood still, shielding her face and I jumped out. I wanted to bad to envelop her in a hug, but I didn’t. She just pulled an earphone out and smiled. I grinned back. 28
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"You always come here…have you noticed that?" I said, rolling my eyes. It seemed so dumb now. 30
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"Good timing" she said, shrugging and slipping into the passenger seat. I got in the other side, watching her as she carried on out the corner of my eye. "I was just getting ready to go home." I heard the click of her seatbelt and started the engine, pulling out. "So how bad was it at home?" she asked, fiddling with the headphone wire. 32
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"They didn’t even notice anything till I got home from work" I said, pushing my anger back down. "We looked around the house for a while, and the it kinda hit me. You always go to the park when they argue" I finished, tapping along to her music. It was blaring out loudly, so I could just about hear it. 34
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"I save all the super-cool places for better occasions" she said. I stifled a laugh. Then she shut her mouth and didn’t say a word. I smiled fondly as she put in the other earphone and stared out the window. 36
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As I drove, I thought about her. Frankie was part of me – my other half. She was my twin, my best friend. I know that sounds lame, but she was the one person I couldn’t live with out. I knew I meant a lot to her too. I was the one she turned to when everything was too much. Countless nights I heard her crying and comforted her and every time she’d been hospitalised, she’d asked for me. 38
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I turned off the engine and followed my sister into the house, keeping an eye on her. She brushed past my parents and into the kitchen. I closed the front door and went over to mom and dad. 40
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"Guys, I found her. Just, don’t start shouting again or anything, OK?" I said in a hollow voice. They nodded and I went into the kitchen, seeing Frankie take a mouthful of water. Her pill bottle was in her hand. I shuddered, remembering having to force her to take them. I grinned when she looked up, nodding towards them. 42
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"Taking you pills?" I asked and she nodded then told me she was going to take a shower. I nodded and heard her head upstairs, turning her music up full. I smiled and looked at my parents. They both looked ready to snap and I shook my head, scowling. I walked jauntily up to my room, listening to her music blaring through the walls. Our bathroom joined our bedrooms and I could hear the water gushing out. 44
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I flopped on my bed and drew out a notebook, opening to a fresh page. I held a pencil in my hand, poised above the paper. Waiting for an idea, a thought, a feeling. I cracked a grin and started scribbling, drawing sweeping arcs and lines. My tongue stuck out slightly as I concentrated, my hand moving furiously. 46
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Half an hour I sat back, gasping for breath. I looked down at my picture and frowned, something wasn’t right. It was a landscape. Deserted and wild, it looked viscous but on closer examination one could see small comforts, such as a tiny bunch of flowers and a tiny teddy bear propped up against the tree. Off to the far right of the picture was an Alice in Wonderland style girl, with a scarf trailing from her right hand. I sighed, ripping it out and scrupling it into a ball. I chucked it clumsily, missing my bin. 48
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I lay back, my head hitting the pillow. My hair fanned out and flopped into my face and I blew it out the way. I clicked my tongue and rolled over, completely bored. 50
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I got up and went to make a mug of hot chocolate, shoving a couple of extra marshmallows in my sister’s cup. I headed back upstairs and knocked on her door, opening it carefully. Frankie was laying on her bed, staring at the huge black and white spiral we’d painted on her ceiling. She glanced up and gave me a tried smile. I held up the mug and she grinned widely, pushing herself into a cross-legged position. 52
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"Not interrupting anything am I?" I asked, sitting on one of my legs on her bed. She shook her head, taking a deep sip of hot chocolate. 54
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"Nope. I was just thinking" she said, cream round her mouth. I snorted with laughter and she wiped it off with her sleeve, sticking her tongue out. I grinned and watched her. She dipped her finger in the cream and fished out a swimming marshmallow. 56
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I cocked my head on one side as I studied her. She was small, with pale skin. She was thin and had long dark brown hair that she generally scraped back in a ponytail. She had an oversized tshirt on and baggy trousers. She was a pretty contrast to me – I was tall, quite skinny and had longish light browny-blonde hair. I too dressed in baggy clothes, but not too oversized. She caught me looking and scrunched up her nose, downing her hot chocolate. Her silence wasn’t unwelcoming, but it was a classic sign that she wanted to be left alone. I stood up, and waved, heading to the door. 58
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"Thanks" she said quietly, putting the empty mug on the floor and lay back down, immediately entranced my the swirling pattern.60
Author notes
ho hum. the beginning to a new story with She Pukes Glitter - dying to be perfect had to be put on hold, we had TOTALLY run out of ideas!! lol so yer, enjoy and check out her piece, its soooo good!!
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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ive never found how to wipe my moth in the sleeve of a t shirt.
i like the blending of sweet and sour in this with each flavour enhancing the other. Well done. Youd make agood chef.
Oli XXX
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oooooh, i like it.....yay a new story to read....u guys always write the BEST stories......
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Jolly good!
Fozzy Freak said on March 20:
wicked story but i noticed that little miss perfect english made a couple of mistakes hehehehe
Honestly, I can't have said it much better myself. Oh, wait, yes I can!
I can do so by saving you the trouble of rereading what you've rewritten and showing you where the mistakes are!
"The nodded and I headed to the bathroom. My hang lingered on the handle..."
Well, obviously you forgot the 'y' in 'they', and I don't think a hang can linger on a door handle, do you? I'm fairly certain it's a typo for 'hand', but I COULD be wrong!
"I wanted to bad to embrace her"
Change 'to' to 'so', and 'bad' to 'badly'.
Now it should say: "I wanted so badly to embrace her", and you might want to add, 'in a hug', but that's not necessary.
"and the it kinda hit me. You always go to the park when they yell"
Change 'the' to 'they'.
" it looked viscous "
Now, I saw on your profile you're from Great Britain. So I'm not sure if this can be considered a spelling mistake or not, because you English peoples certainly say and spell things much different than we do in the US. Obvious examples include: colour and aluminium (we say 'aluminum').
My point is, in the US, we spell that 'Vicious'... But Microsoft Word tells me viscous is another word altogether.... I simply don't know... (typical of an American, eh?)
"immediately entranced my the swirling pattern."
'by' or 'by my', but CERTAINLY not 'my the'.
Now, the official review from me: (are you REALLY going to take advise from a Hatter?!?)
Beginning: 4/5
Very nicely done.
Ending: [not voting]
Since this is only the first part, I refuse to vote on the ending.
Characters: 4/5
I'm extremely curious as to how this story will turn out. Will the characters be drawn apart? Or come closer? Will one of them die?
But I think you did a good job on them.
Plot: [not voting]
Only the first part of a larger story, so I can't honestly say that I know what the plot is.
Language: 3/5
I have a friend also from Great Britain, and he has an extremely thick accent. And when we tell him we can't understand his English accent, he always retorts, "Well, we did INVENT the language! YOU'RE the ones who are talking funny!"
But, all puns aside, I'll give your language a 3/5, due to the mistakes I found.
Fix them up, and your story will be a lot more coherent.
Dialog: 3/5
There wasn't much dialog in this part of the story... But I'll give it a 3/5 regardless.
Overall: 5/10- Average
Sorry, but that's how the story seems to me so far: Average.
Though you are apparently working on something untypical of the cliche's, I'm afraid that the style of the story itself seems average.
But, in the end: Congrats on a good write, and best of luck with part 7!
beginning: 4, language: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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freaking hell!
my god. well, thanks for checking it out! i am so VERY impressed that you wrote such a long comment and acctually picked up on all my typos...people dont often do that!! i type too quickly some times and Microsoft Word changes the words sometimes...that often leads to sentences making no sense!
but wow. thank you very much! when i get some more time, i'll definately go back and change all of this, my life is pretty hectic with exams at the mo. but i will. promise, cross my heart and hope to die
yeah i think viscous is the wrong spelling...im not all too good on guessing the spelling of words i should possibly get a dictionary or something.
heh awesome about your friend...wheres he from? hell, i cant understand a lot of english accents! ohmigod like liverpool, they speak so thickly its like WHAT?!
heh but honestly, thank you for taking the time to read this and im working on part seven, i have a bit of a block at the moment but slowly its coming together in my head.
have you checked out HangAvrilByHerTie? shes writing frankies viewpoint of this.
anyway, thank you very much
polly xxx
ps i am going to take advice from a Hatter!!
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wicked story but i noticed that little miss perfect english made a couple of mistakes hehehehe
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hey this is awesome, its really good. couple of typos, but thats it. um like 'immediately entranced my the swirling pattern.' i think it should be by? also '"Taking you pills?" i think it should be your, but sorry if i'm wrong
however, this write is still really good! and i'm just picky thats all 
keep up the good work, well done pol this rocked x x x x x x
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WOW! as i said on She Pukes Glitter's page this is an amazing story! im totally hooked and i cant wait for more!! i hope you guys keep writing, you are both very talented writers and i like how you write stories together,
Take care and keep writing
Faithless Angel x -
Ok Thanks. And no problem. I love this story already.
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hes a guy n thanks 4 checking it out!!
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Awesome!
I love this!! Its awesome! I was wonderin somethin tho. Is ur character a girl or boy? Thats the only thing. lol! You and Kami write great stories together!! Keep it up.
~Alyssa~ -
woooooot! i love it, they're so close already! hehe i already love them! ♥ i'll start my part right now!
s and 
s
~Arachne
♠
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