"Wait for me!" She cried as her friends ran through the dark alley. She knew they were going to do those dark deeds that she read about in magazines, and she knew that this night would mean the end: the end of their morals and their virtue, the end of their innocence. She was afraid, but she didn't dare let them leave her behind.1
It would be the first night of their lives, they had told her. They would all know what it meant to really live, to suck the marrow out of life and to feel the blood rushing through their veins. They saw the world a cage, an evil place trapping them with only themselves to blame. They cried mutiny, but she cried for help.2
Her friends rhythmically walked down the dark pathway until the glow from the streetlights was no stronger than their will. Abruptly, they stopped and turned on her. She realized that they all wore sunglasses of the darkest black, and she felt ashamed of her rose-colored lenses; yet she could not bring herself to remove them.3
The one who had been there since the days on the playground reached out to her. "Take off your glasses, we have no room for them here." She allowed him snatch her glasses from her face, and in return, he gave her a pair of black shades. She looked warily at the dark glasses, too afraid to put them on. "But how will I see?" she asked of her dearest friend.4
"You won't."5
That night, she cried silent tears.6
Author notes
I decided to make an attempt at a different kind of writing, I know that until now my poems had been pretty basic, so I thought that a story would change things up a bit. Any comments, both good and bad, would really be appreciated. This metaphor truly means a lot to me, and I would really like to improve upon the language and the imagery. thanks
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I agree with betemer as far as the secondly but I think it is okay anyway. I love this, though, it's great. ANd the last line is spectacular.
Amanda -
i have nothing but goodness man....this is great...can't wait to read more...(if there is)
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on further reading (with your post guiding my train of thought a bit) this accomplishes quite well what you were seeking to convey.
possible changes:
3rd pg from " turned to her" to "turned on her" might help to convey more of the 'darkness' coming upon your heroine...
2ndly
Did you consider putting a paragraph/line about what happened when she puts them on? Would your heroine eventually put them on, afraid to be the lone person w/o them, or would one of the others place the glasses on her?
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I think you've basically understood what I'm saying... it's along the lines of the corruption of the youth, but more like its the point where everyone else seems to be changing from what you've know them to be. Like my "playground friend" is suddenly involving himself in the darkness that you always hear about but never thought would actually come to you. The rose colored glasses really represent my happy-go-lucky outlook on life, which is taken from me. The whole end part is saying that my view on life will never be the same because I gave up on myself... I know it might be kind of confusing
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I'm getting the feeling of somthing vital going on, the loss of innocence, the corruption of youth (by a close friend?)
but i've missed your greater metaphor. its somthing personal, but if you could post some more detail about what you're striving towards, i'd help to guide our analysis of your diction.
The last sentence of the 1st pg was my favorite. a feeling we've all had one time.
in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king
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