1
i was in a beautiful place. a field filled with poppies and wild flowers. the sun was shining. butterflies of all different sizes and colors flit about...and those little things you can blow on and all the tiny white tendrils float away like a bubble blower.2
she was there...and it was the perfect spring day. i never remembered being happier than on that day. nothing compared. not my wedding day - when i made my first million, hit that first perfect home-run...nothing. a few days came close...but they were all centered around her again. we giggled. we laughed. she made the perfect lunch, so we sat and ate and listened to brook flow gently nearby. i turned to her and smiled. she laughed because there was sauce dripping down my chin and i didn't know it. she leaned forward and wiped it away with her little green napkins she loved so much. green. everything with her was green. her favorite color. on her birthdays, i knew i had to come up with something green. greens of all shades filled her surroundings, complimented and shaded clothing, space, knick-knacks and art work. she was green. just like the beautiful fields rich from a perfect mixture of rain and sun. as were her eyes. vibrantly so. glowing almost. god, i loved her eyes. looking at them made me choke back tears sometimes. many times.3
cocoa was snuffling around in the tall grass...having a great time hoping around on his little puppy legs. trying to bite at all the little moving things around him. stopping to dig here and there. splashing off into the brook with obvious glee as she took him down there for a drink of water. it was my latest acquisition for her. and she loved him with all her heart. beautiful, thick bear like face and body. big, thick paws, foretelling the size of this beast he would be. big, beautiful dog with a soft and gentle face...and...her favorite part. green eyes. 4
as i watched her laugh and chase him at the brook, my eyes started to water and all became a colourful haze. a dream like window into a world i would never know again. so wonderful. so ...so peaceful and...the few times i experienced pure joy without any outside help for some goddamn chemical or bottle. i laid back on the blanket she made. green of course, with interweaving patterns so unique and creative. it seemed like she could do anything. and she was so young. the tears streamed down my face and into my ears as i folded my hands together underneath my head, crossed my legs and breathed out a deep sigh. i listened to her giggle and chase after cocoa in the background...the light breeze through the tall rustling grasses and stalks of all different kinds in and amongst this perfect peaceful colour palette of living, breathing life. life. yes. this was life. and i stared up at a perfect blue sky, so relaxed. so happy....visions of future scenes formed in my mind, with that light, inner smile we all get when we go to these places of hope. visit picture frames of our minds predilection of future scenes we were sure would happen. it was just a matter of time. things to look forward to. joys upon joys. hope upon hope. and as i saw that wedding day in that picture frame...all things past and accomplished with pride, security, self-confidence and worth, i'm sure i remember falling asleep with a smile on my face in that field of peace.5
get up you!! get the hell out of here! i don't need scum like you littering my business.6
the pain of his kick and my eyes filled with blood7
aching8
pain9
pain10
fucking pain all over...shattering that perfect picture of peace and joy. i didn't care about his yelling or the kick...the pain. all i wanted was to reach out. no..run to that scene fading and floating quickly away. it was running too, that treasured scene of beauty and grace. because it didn't belong in this filth.11
in this horror of garbage and stink.12
alleyways of hell and hellish memories13
get the fuck out of here14
now! or i'm calling the police.15
with half closed eyes, barely able to move i pushed myself up against the dumpster and held on until my legs found the strength to stand and hold in place.16
ignoring the asshole muttering his obscenities as he swept around his back.17
like it could be cleaned. asshole.18
like anything here could be clean19
don't waste your time, was a fleeting thought.20
vain attempts21
vain and stupid lives22
all set against the back drop of a city of scars and ugliness.23
brutality 24
lies25
deceit26
cheating27
stealing and hiding. hiding their fears. their failures. their stupidity. with ridiculous see through veils of self-concocted pride. even at the lowest levels.28
a stupid little shop owner, kicking me in the alley.29
i could have bought and sold him a thousand times over and he had no idea.30
to him i was just a bum31
another piece of garbage to be rid of32
probably his whole life was concentrated on the removal of garbage.33
garbage men. garbage men all over.34
some were the garbage...and some were the garbage movers. some in power suits and armani ties. some in smocks with hair nets. hands covered in grease and dirt that could never be cleaned off entirely.35
one big city dump. and i was dying in it. i was one of those pieces of garbage. and i knew it.36
as i gathered my self up, the pain doubled as i stepped forward as fast as i could just to get away from this asshole and out of this scene. fuck. i wanted that memory dream back. i think it was the only thing giving me the strength in that dank, wet filth, to move forward. body weakened once again from it's previous days assault. trying to sort out all the filth and garbage inside. my inner broom.all around, in mocking laughter, demons laughed at the similarities they had so successfully built to make me just like the place i was in.37
garbage out38
garbage in39
and soon...i knew....that if something didn't happen, ...the next time i wouldn't wake up at all, but be found beside one of those dumpsters. and instead of me moving my garbage. the garbage men would. dressed in their absurdly contrasting white pants and shirts. going through the stupid routine of checking a pulse they knew wasn't there behind that pale, cold skin.40
yep.41
i was on my way to hell through the garbage.42
i chose it43
i wanted it44
i worked for it. i worked damn fucking hard for it.45
i had the audacity to separate my self as though to be above it all sometimes...from time to time. i was a fucking millionaire. i was better than them. but i wasn't.46
i was worse.47
worse, because of that so-called success. worse because i had beauty and peace and that field of wild flowers. that beautiful girl and her little puppy. dances of joy and all that i needed and more.48
i was fucking worse.49
and i wish i hadn't woken up that morning50
i wish last night had been the last night51
done52
finished53
over54
just fucking over.55
so as i stumbled struggled through the unrelenting reality that it wasn't, fumbling for my keys and trying not to fall over with my more than half closed eyes, i tasted the blood in my mouth starting to come to flavour from that inevitable watering that preceded the delightful daily morning event. and i let it go. my garbage. my vomit. my blood.56
leaning against that wall until it stopped. 57
which seemed like an eternity in stop time mode.58
heaving and heaving59
nothing left60
dry, yet my body still wanted to expel. to spit out what i forced upon it again.61
and a little shiver of fear that i didn't feel all that often anymore, ran through me as i saw more blood this time than i ever did before. matter fact, it was mostly blood. fuck. it was all blood.62
and i almost passed out at the sight of it.63
i was dying. period.64
i was achieving my goal. i almost stupidly smiled at that thought, in and amongst the quickly receding fear.65
i was winning again. i always won somehow.66
you see, you fucker?...i'm winning at dying behind your pathetic backdrop of failure and mediocrity. your paltry little shop. the kind of places that existed on the entire city blocks i bought and re-formed into yuppy town delights of condos, starbucks and trendy shops. 67
and i'm about to drive away in my jag, which you slosh through your garbage of a life.68
yeah.69
that kind of self-defense and justification always lasted about 30 seconds and was gone. most of it was true, but it sure as fuck was dis-connected from that ridiculous pride i once carried. even then it was self-deceit. i crushed alot of people to get what i got. destroyed lives. shattered relationships. buried funds. hidden secrets of the business savvy greed mongers. just a different type of garbage.70
somehow, i made it to my car. the light was searing pain right through and down the back of my spin as i squinted so tight..just open enough to see what the hell i was doing71
i wanted to die72
in that moment right there i wanted to die73
as i sat..crashed into the seat behind the wheel, exhausted. i wished i hadn't stopped vomiting until all the blood was gone.74
i sat there and stared75
just stared76
straight ahead. not moving.77
i almost felt stoned in that stare78
but i wasn't79
i was just trying to find some semblance of reason to all this. why the hell i was here right now. why did i just dump a bucket of blood.80
why did everyone i knew and love...why were they gone.81
why was the sewers of the city dominating82
why was i sitting in a hundred thousand dollar car with blood all the way down my dirty 300 dollar shirt.83
and why84
why85
why was she gone.86
and that's when the tears came.87
they came and they came and they came. and i was to exhausted for this. too fucked up in shakes and withdrawal already. too weakened from blood loss. hope loss. life loss.88
sobbing like a fucking baby, i sat behind that wheel.89
so it defined my direction again.90
i closed the door and started the engine. i waited for my eyes to clear and my breathing to slow down.91
i fumbled through my pockets for my valium. i wanted the morphine pills..but there'd be no fucking way i'd get to where i was going if i took them now.92
i grabbed the bottle of vodka and washed three down. the stinging pain washing my mouth from blood and bile. i drank some more...and some more...and some more...and waited.93
gripping that wheel like it was a life preserver, i held on. i held on. 94
to my sanity95
to my escape96
to my insanity97
and my prison.98
fubar. fubar. "fucked up beyond all recognition".99
my stomach was really having trouble with the alcohol this time. my body was being soothed by the vals and the booze...but...there was some kind of new pain here.100
i smiled101
i knew it was going to come one day102
just like all around me...and everything. it corrodes. it rusts. it breaks down and turns into the dust from whence it came.103
fuck.104
i shook my head at the absurdity105
but now, all i started to think about was where to go and what to take to be numb. fucking blinded again. i was having too much clear vision in this sick, pathetic morning for some reason. my mind wouldn't turn off. and the vals and booze weren't doing there job. weren't doing there fucking job. and i hated that. always did. fired a thousand lazy bastards for the same thing. do your fucking job or pack your desk up and get out.106
i wish it was that easy right now107
only problem was...i couldn't fire myself.108
i was the captain. and the captain goes down with the ship.109
women and children first. and wasn't that the bizarre, ironic fucking truth.110
god...shut up111
shut up112
shut up113
shut the fuck up!114
i started the engine..speed off with hardly looking. if a bus slammed into my drivers side door...that was just fine with me.115
i didn't give a shit116
i was focused117
i was determined118
i was double A.119
nothing and nobody was going to stop me from getting to that destination. that void.120
i worked hard for it. that void. that numbness. that escape. 121
i knew all the tools of the trade to make it happen122
and no matter what i lost123
how much blood came out124
i was going to get there.125
so off i went. off to my void. my prison. my keep. my sanctuary.126
i never like the saying "my own private hell"...it was trite and fucking stupid as far as i was concerned.127
to me, it was heaven, not hell128
i didn't want to feel129
i didn't want to care130
i didn't want to know131
or remember one goddamn fucking thing.132
i wanted my heaven. heaven in a bag or bottle. a needle. a pipe or a pill. and preferable all of the above at the same time.133
as i raced down the street, my dream came clearly back in to view, making the traffic and buildings and people into a video game. i had my eye on the prize of of having no eyes at all. no memories. no dreams. past, present or future.134
i raced135
i raced down that road as if it were the last race of my life. as if my life depended on it.136
getting there and stepping out of my car, i held on to the door to steady my balance. i hadn't eaten. i hadn't really slept. any rest that night before was stolen away by my bodies every weakening struggle to keep functioning...and the dreams. i was exhausted.137
physically138
emotionally139
exhausted.140
my legs shook as though the ground itself were quaking and i was about to fall in a crack, down into hell. i staggered to the front door and knocked.141
tim142
yeah. hi.143
you look fucked up, man, shaking his head144
the problem is i'm not145
he shook his head the other way at that statement146
well...come on in, sit the fuck down before you fall down.147
i fell back on the couch and waited148
heard the shuffling in the other room149
and out came my gold150
a bag151
a box152
a needle153
i stared at it, oblivious of my "buddy", glancing continuously up and down from my face to his work or preparation. normally, he would just hand the goods and i'd do the rest - pay, and leave.154
but he valued my business and knew he had to do the job for me today. good for him. i want have to fire his lazy ass and tell him to pack up his desk and get the fuck out.155
i stared at it and already some tension and pain was starting to subside.156
he dipped157
he melted158
he mixed159
he filled160
he tapped out the bubbles161
he saw that i saw it was ready, but i wasn't moving to do anything to help.162
so he rolled up my sleeve himself163
in it went164
the blood flowed back into the needle as it always does a bit, pressured by the tie off above.165
i just stayed perfectly still. in the same exact position and stare i held since sitting down. falling down.166
didn't feel the needle. just stared blankly at it, as though it was an out of body experience and i was just hovering above watching the show.167
plunger descends168
ties released169
and then.....i'm released. finally170
and the ice cream melted171
the pain was no more172
there was no more past173
no present174
and no fucking future.175
i was where i wanted to be. and i could hardly see.176
my body slumped177
my arms fell to the side178
my head fell forward ..and my eyes shut179
you ok?180
yeahhhh...i breathed out. fuck yeah.181
ok. just chill there awhile man. no rush. my old lady isn't gonna be home for the night and i ain't got no place to go, so you're welcome to just crash out here. you look like you need a fuckin' shower man.182
yeahhhhh183
so somehow, in the midst of all that. that void i was in again. he got me to the bathroom, into the shower and brought me some clean clothes.184
i'm gonna leave the door open man. i don't want you passing out in the fuckin' shower and cracking your skull, ok?185
yeahhhhh....186
ok187
i think i felt the water. i did. it was cool and warm at the same time. it felt..for what little i could feel, fuckin great.188
the stink of the city washed down the drain...back to the stink of the city.189
i smiled weakly at that thought in hazy vision190
as my body adjusted to the heroine, i was able to start moving around a little better and made it out dressed and clean191
i fell down on the couch again192
lying this time.193
the tv was going194
there was noise in the kitchen195
i didn't know what the fuck was going on196
...and i didn't care.197
i didn't fucking care198
and that was my destination199
congratulations to me. i made it there again200
no pain201
no fear202
no memories203
no dreams204
no past 205
no present206
no future207
i made it. and with that i lay my arm over my forehead, shut my eyes...and just listened. and i slept.208
this time without one dream as far as i knew209
i slept210
and i slept211
and i slept212
night passed into early morning213
and the goal came again214
he was already ready215
here216
thanks217
can you do it yourself this time218
yeah. thanks219
no problem, man220
butchya gotta go by noon if that 's ok. my old lady's gonna be back then.221
no problem222
that's half so you won't pass out again223
ok224
here's the rest225
thanks226
there's some food in the kitchen and your clothes are washed and at the door in a bag227
thanks, man228
full service operation. should be. i almost fuckin' supported this guy with my business...along with all the referrals. once again, i was the boss. the leader. his king of the underworld.229
i ate230
i left231
i got in my car and decided to go nowhere. just drive. there seemed to be less blood this morning in the shower as i did my usual routine. vomit. heave. heave. until it was all out or i was too tired to continue.232
that was good233
but what was important for now was no pain. no decisions. 234
so i drove and i drove and i drove235
left that behind236
and in the moment237
no destination238
no thought239
just the road, my dope...and me.240
and for now..that's all i wanted241
and all i needed.242
Author notes
Chapter four of my novel. I would ask to please refrain from overt efforts with regards to punctuation and grammar. i'll get to it ...or an editor will. What i'm looking for is feedback based on impact only...and consistency of style. Thanks all
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
.
-
excellent
The dream in the beginning was just so intensly beautiful, what his true heart was seeking, I think we always speak the truth in our dreams, they are our greatest desires. the greens of the grasses, wild flowers and the brook with the puppy splashing around and a beautiful woman, who he was in love with, this is all in his dream, he needs this dream to become reality, it comforts him, he needs it to come true bring some normality into his wretched life. The drugs, the crashing out, the fog, the pain, I feel it all through your words, you are a clever weaver of words to make the reader get inside of Tim's mind, to live every second that he endures, in the squalor amongst the trash. I want to go to him and shout in anger at what he is doing to himself, slowly killing himself. He needs some love in his life to bring him back alive. A fantastic read, can't wait for the next chapter.
-sis- -
THis is amazing, very reailistic. high impact writing. i connected with your character
-
i was in a beautiful place. a field filled with poppies and wild flowers. the sun was shining. butterflies of all different sizes and colors flit about...and those little things you can blow on and all the tiny white tendrils float away like a bubble blower.
this picture captures me and captivates me to read this piece. i enjoyed reading the language convyed about such overwhelming sadness at the desperation of the main character -
Ty for setting me straight on the story line. I am really interested in reading the other Chapters. Angel
-
Fantastic Read
What kind of car does he drive? This junkie seems to be too poor to have a car. I love the story and want to know what happens next. I love your writing syle it is very good. Anne Rice always puts me to sleep explaining all the color of the situation your writing is true to life and the situation. Just wondering how he can afford to have a car and why he hasn't pawned it for dope or a drink. Brightest Blessings! -
leading aspirations
Your dream in the beginning was appropriately different than the tone and style of the other chapters. your usual began witht he abrupt ending of the dream. I think you captured those fleeting moments of just waking and the dream is still there but fleeing. made my heart speed up and crash, a wry smile here and there, and such overwhelming sadness at the desperation of the main character. It may work to your advantage to be more descriptive of your "buddy" and that apartment - just a little so there's a bit more grounding to where the character is when he's congratulating himself. This will come in time, though. Overall, effective write. -
I will read this but must print it off, too much to read on here for me. I will get back with you tomorrow. So far the beginning is great.
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
