Oriello, The Vampiress

The year was 1889. It was her first night back in London from a long visit to Venice. Oriello stood just inside the shadow of the alleyway listening to the drunken teens laughing and playing like fools. All of her senses were keen. She preferred the fresh blood of children but teens would do. Children were just so hard to get alone. A couple stepped inside the alley to grope on each other. They were totally unaware of Oriello's presence dressed in her dark cloak, a hood covering her vibrant blonde curls. In one swift stroke, she attacked both throats, ripping with talon-like nails and then quickly she drained their blood. Ahh, much better. She cleaned herself carefully then stepped out of the alley. Her crystal blue eyes checked out the surroundings. When a gentleman walked past, he was taken with her creamy beauty. Oriello was proud of her skin. Other vampires she had met in her world travels were pasty looking. They envied her, male and female. She laughed. She felt good so she walked slowly along the battery listening more than watching the water sloshing against the stones. It was a lonely life. At first she moped a lot. It didn't change anything. She forced herself to think on brighter things. Her mother was a good thought. They had had wonderful times together until she caught the black plague and died. That meant Oriello was left alone with her father and the hired help. She was a girl of ten. He made trips all over the world. She never saw him and didn't have any memories with him except one. It was the eve when he gave her this curse. Ha! Thanks dear father! It was Oriello who drove the stake in his heart. Maybe she should have left him to live. 1

Loud steps from behind brought her out of her reverie. Whoever it was walked with a limp. She dared not turn but quickened her steps. 2

He quickened his steps. She sensed it to be a man. She crossed the cobble stoned street. So did he. She stopped dead in her tracks and swirled around, making quite a figure standing before him tall and slim wearing royal blue embroidered in gold. Shining blonde hair cascaded in curls lying upon her breasts. Her crystal blue eyes looked into alert3

brown ones. He, too, was tall. His face was a perfect shape. Oriello stared at his sensuous mouth.4

"What do you want following me," she asked rather more harsh than she intended. She saw he wore a brace on one leg. 5

"You dropped your handkerchief back there. It has blood on it and I was concerned about you," he spoke, holding it out to her.6

"I'm fine," was all she said. Taking the handkerchief from his hand, she turned and left. She trusted no one. Anyone could be an informant or a policeman, even a man with a brace on his leg. She hurried home.7

Home was dusty and forgotten. She had long ago sent the hired help away. It was a big, luxurious house and had seen many a party in its day when her mother was still alive. Now, it just sat. She slept in her special coffin during the day and prowled through the night. As far as anyone knew the place was empty. They whispered that it was haunted. Oriello had had it boarded up and pretended to go abroad. No one remembered what she looked like. No one had seen her in over ten years. The house and grounds had been grand. What a waste. Oriello's thoughts returned to the man with the brace on his leg. She wondered what had happened to him. She thought of his lips. Suddenly she was sad. She had been robbed of a life filled with the love for a man. Her own father had robbed her. He had told her it was for her own good. Said she could live forever. He had never loved her nor her mother. He had never loved any woman. Love only brought heartache, he had said. Oh, how she loathed him to hell!! While other girls went to parties, danced and kissed, she murdered. She was alone. She hated.8

Two days passed without Oriello going out at night. She kept some blood in reserve which wasn't as good but would make due. The man with the brace might connect her to the death of the teens. By the third night she had grown restless and needed to get out. She always put on a fresh gown for feeding. Burgundy was a splendid color on her.9

She wore a matching cloak and slippers. Her lust was overwhelming.10

She could transform and fly but she chose to walk through the woods11

and save flying for emergency escapes. She chose a different part of town, tonight. The horse stable was a good place to start. Sometimes lovers made use of the hay. Her heightened senses told her, 'not tonight.' She moved closer to the hub. She was so very eager! There were two children, a girl of around age six and a boy around age eight,12

carrying wooden pails of water. She called to them from the alley. Before they were out of sight good, she had sucked them both bone dry. Oh, how she was pulsing. How good she felt. Oriello cleaned herself up. She looked down at the crumpled little bodies. Nausea washed over her. She ran out of there and didn't stop until she got to the water. The salty air cleared her head. She hated herself. She hated her father. She was in a hole and there was no help.13

A voice said, "Good evening." Startled, Oriello looked behind her. It was him! She knew it!14

"What do you want," she hissed.15

"Hey, calm down," he said, "I'm not going to hurt you."16

"Ha!" she laughed, "no, I don't suppose you will."17

"I just want to get to know you. You're pretty much of a mystery," was his next statement.18

"Look, I don't know who you are nor what you want but I am not interested," Oriello stated flatly.19

"Excuse me. Let me introduce myself. I am Doctor Richard Morson from Venice. I study internal medicine."20

"I said I'm not interested and I'd appreciate it if you would stop following me all around." But Oriello WAS interested. Her voice wasn't entirely convincing and the good doctor took this to his advantage.21

"Let's just walk together," he said, " You seem to enjoy walking and we don't have to talk if you prefer not." His pleading made an impression on her. There was something about him that she trusted.22

"Well, I suppose that will be nice," she replied. They walked beneath the stars quietly except for the steady noise of his limp. 23

"You must excuse the noise of this limp I am cursed with," he apologized. 'Curse, Ha!' Oriello thought. He thinks he knows of curses.24

He knows nothing of curses.25

"It really doesn't bother me," she offered.26

"It doesn't," he asked, incredulously.27

"No, not in the least." He smiled in the darkness. It was strange that Oriello didn't think of him as a meal.28

Time passed quickly. Oriello needed to go home.29

"I must leave," she whispered.30

"Excuse me," Richard queried.31

"It's late and I must go home," she said louder.32

"I would gladly walk you home," he said.33

"No! I mean no thank you," she answered quickly.34

"Alright, then, as you wish," he took her hand and put it to his lips. No one had ever done this to Oriello before. She looked deeply into his eyes, said, "Good-evening," then, disappeared before him. 35

She decided to change forms in the pitch dark and fly home in the event that he had planned on following her. Before she crawled into her coffin, she remembered the feeling of his warm lips upon her icy hand. The sun came up.36

Doctor Richard Morson knew all about the beautiful blonde woman with eyes like blue crystal who "forgot" to introduce herself. He knew all about where she lived, how she lived, and the terrible curse. He even knew how she got it. What kind of a father would do such a thing to his own daughter? One that abhors women. This lovely creature never stood a chance. His heart went out to her. He knew, already, that he had fallen in love with her. When he had touched her ice cold skin, he felt a tingle in his genitals. She was so distant. If only he knew what she was thinking. If only he had even a little hope that she could feel something for him. He fell into a deep sleep and dreamt of her. In the dream, they were both covered in blood.37

The next day, the town was all abuzz. There were four unexplained deaths. Two were mere babies! It was so horrible, some said it was the doings of a mad animal or animals. Others said it was the work of a witch and a few even whispered 'vampire.' The sheriff put a nip on those last two blatherings. All he needed was for the town to be in an uproar. They had a much better chance, he figured, catching a wild, mad animal. The sheriff had traps set out in town and around the country. This seemed to appease the crowds. But inside himself, he was concerned about this type of murder having started up again. It just wasn't natural.38

Oriello awoke feeling none too good. Two small children, while fresh and tasty, weren't filling for very long. She dressed quickly, as her need drove her. Changing forms, she flew quickly to the outskirts of town. She lit on the first thing she saw without bothering to change forms. It was a man of about forty. As usual, she left him where he lay. Now, she could think. Her dark brown gown with cream-colored trim looked splendid with matching cloak and slippers. As she walked the side boards in town, she overheard a lot of the gossip. She laughed at them in her mind and thought them to be idiots.39

As she walked, she was impervious to the commotion she made among the men. Her beauty was breath taking. It was odd that with all these trips into town, never once had anyone recognized her. She had gone abroad for ten years and when she returned she hadn't changed. Perhaps it was due to the fact that there was never any commotion at the house. People don't see what they don't expect sometimes.40

She was deep in thought when Doctor Morson interrupted.41

"Good-evening, m'lady," he pronounced rather formally.42

"Good-evening, Doctor," she said.43

"Isn't it grand, this evening," the doctor continued.44

"Yes, quite," Oriello agreed, purring. His limp was becoming less noticeable. Oriello dared a look into his face. He caught her and smiled.45

"Do you realize," he said, "you've never spoken your name to me?"46

"I haven't," she feigned ignorance.47

"No, and it has quite hurt my feelings," he teased.48

"Well, for that I DO apologize. I am Oriello."49

"Oriello, is that all?"50

"Yes." He sensed a warning sign. He'd better just let it go.51

"Alright, then, I shall be satisfied with that. And where does this lovely lady reside," he continued.52

"I am not prepared to be so personal, sir," was her final reply on the subject of herself.53

"Oh, please, don't be offended. It doesn't matter. I love just walking silently by your side." Oriello looked away. What in hell was she doing? This man could very well mean the end of her. Although there was a part of her that hated the killings, there was another part that would lash out fatally to continue on. 54

"A penny for your thoughts if you can stomach a cliche'," the Doctor said. 55

"I was thinking of ending it all," she answered, dramatically, then threw back her head and laughed.56

"Why would you ever say such a thing," asked Richard, seriously upset.57

"Why, Doctor, is it that you care?"58

"Of course I care. I'm in love with you. Can't you sense it?" The words had come out before he realized it. Oriello was dumbstruck.59

"Don't say such a thing. You don't know what you're saying. No one can ever love me," she said.60

"Why not, because you're a vampire," he whispered.61

Oriello stammered over her words but finally got them out.62

"What did you just say?"63

"You heard me. I've known it all along. I tracked your father and found out about you by accident. I know what he did to you," Richard said.64

She looked at him like he was plain crazy then she fled from him. She was confused, afraid and upset. She was afraid for her safety. What would he do to her if he finds out where she is? What if he is working for the police? Her mind was whirling. It was too early for the coffin.65

She sat at the long, dusty dining table. She forced herself to calm down and think more clearly. First, he had done her father no harm,66

though he knew of him. Second, he hadn't harmed her nor turned her into the police. Third, he had said he was in love with her and she believed him. 67

As if on cue, Richard stepped out of the shadows and walked up to her. She hadn't even heard his limp. He looked into her eyes and picked up her hands into his. He kissed them over and over, then pulled her into his aching arms and kissed her all over her face and neck. She felt like warm butter. Her knees were weak. He covered her mouth with his and probed into hers with his tongue. She returned the68

pleasure. Lifting her into his arms, he carried her up the wide stairwell and into one of the many bedrooms. He laid her cape across the dusty bed and they fell onto it. He tasted her virginal juices and nibbled her fresh, ripe fruit. Gently, he made sweet love to the icy virgin vampiress. After, he held her close to his warm body. Stroking her silky hair, he whispered," Oh, how I love you, Oriello." She was silent.69

He didn't mind her silence. Many thoughts ran through her head. For so long she had fended for herself. For so long she had been alone. This felt right...until she remembered what she was.70

It was getting close to daylight. Richard was asleep on her cloak.71

She slipped away from him embrace and went downstairs to the coffin.72

Sometime around mid-day, Richard awoke from a most wonderful sleep. He looked around. She was gone. He started to look for the coffin but changed his mind. He would leave her that much privacy. Instead, he headed to his living quarters. There was work to be done.73

Oriello was up and about at dark. She was famished, as usual. Nothing was on her mind but feeding. Quickly, she dressed in pink and black. She was a vision to behold. She stumbled through the back woods making her way into town. There were three men with their heads together, plotting some devilment. They caught sight of her and laughed what sounded more like a low, menacing growl. One lunged out and grabbed her arm, licking his lips. She twirled away from him with might and twirled back. Within minutes, she had ripped open all of their throats and drank thirstily her life's nourishment. A pack of wild dogs came up as she cleaned herself. They helped themselves to the remains. She laughed. This couldn't have worked out better. She walked on into town. A breeze was stirring. It felt good as she looked at dresses at "Le Broc's" window. She looked at the hats. Her mother wore hats. She loved them. Oriello would never wear a hat, she didn't care if it was the fashion. She smiled at the thought of her mother and began to wonder why she had married a bastard like her father. Mother had never told her. Yes, he was handsome, in a feminine sort of way. And, he was extremely wealthy from some invention his father had made. She would have money as long as she could live. She shuddered to think of her father. She so despised him. Richard said he had followed her father. Her father lived abroad leaving her with a governess. After the governess had left, she lived with the servants, running free and wild, until she was twenty-five. That was when her beloved father had returned from abroad and done this to her, given her the curse.74

Oriello had not seen a sign of Richard. She kept an eye out for him. The hours passed and still no sign. She was disappointed and she felt betrayed. Only one night with a man and her body craved for more. Finally, she walked the ten mile trek home. There was a glimmer of hope that Richard might be there. When she got there, she found she was alone. Going upstairs to the bedroom she and Richard had initiated, she sat on the bed and sobbed. It was like lowering a dam. Never once had she cried in all these years, not even when her mother died. Now the sobs ripped her throat. Never had she felt so utterly alone.75

Suddenly there was a disturbance that broke the silence, growing louder and getting closer. Oriello was frightened. She heard voices screaming obscenities. Running downstairs, she found a peep hole.76

From the old picket fence, a crowd with sticks of fire was coming toward the house. It seemed they were intent on burning it down. They were shouting that it was haunted. What could she do? She had to have her coffin. She couldn't get it out of the house alone. If she left it and the cellar didn't burn, they would find a used empty coffin.77

Right before hitting on hysteria Richard showed up and grabbed her.78

"Come this way," he spoke. She looked at him as though he was a stranger.79

"Move, Oriello," he shouted.80

That snapped her out of it. They ran down to the cellar. The outside cellar doors were pushed open. Obviously that was how Richard got in without the crowd seeing him. Oriello could already hear the crackling flames and commotion upstairs.81

"Help me push this up to there," Richard said pointing to the cellar doors. They managed to slide the pearl white coffin behind the house and onto the grounds. They slid it under some of the larger bushes. They hid with it. The bushes made great canopies. Oriello sat down on the ground, hidden, and watched her home burn down to ashes. 'That should be me,' she thought. It's me they want and they don't even know it.82

When everything died down and the people were gone, it was daylight. Oriello was exhausted. It had been quite an evening for her.83

As she was about to climb into the coffin, Richard stopped her.84

"We have to burn that," he said. 85

"Why," Oriello asked weakly.86

"Listen to me, we can't haul it up to my place without help or someone seeing it and we can't leave it to be found."87

"Well, what then," she asked.88

"We burn it and go to my place. I've built you a new one," said Richard. Oriella was grateful but dangerously weary. She couldn't watch Richard burn her coffin. He helped her on through the woods and up the back stairwell. She had grown too weak to walk without help.89

Richard supposed that if anyone saw the coffin burning they would believe it to be a spark caught something it missed in the house. They both hoped no one saw them going up the back stairwell to Richard's room. True to his word, Richard had fashioned a lavish coffin just for her. She was to be near him always.90

With the fire, all of Oriello's clothes had been destroyed.91

Richard removed the dress from her back and had several made by the pattern, while she slept. He bought cloaks and slippers and laid everything out for her inspection. And, he bought a traveling trunk for Oriello. Next, he packed up all of his books and medicines, suits, shoes and his extra braces. Then, he tried to eat a bite, bathe, and catch a wink of sleep. He knew when Oriello awoke she would need to feed. For a lame man he realized he had taken on a lot.92

The clock struck nine p.m. Richard and Oriello arose at the same time. Oriello wanted to feed. 93

"No," Richard said. She whirled around and growled at him from deep within her throat. For an instant, he was sure it was he she would feed upon.94

"Just listen to me for a moment," he said, "it's too dangerous. I drained the blood from two pigs. It's still warm. Drink it and let us talk." She sniffed the blood and drank it thirstily. She was still angry.95

"Behave, Oriello," Richard reprimanded,"don't you see it's dangerous for you here? I bought fare to Venice. Look at your lovely new dresses.96

And I've even figured out a way to take your coffin. She laughed. She never had trouble taking her coffin when she traveled. Poor fool. The dresses were splendid. She agreed with him about moving on. She had nothing left here, but why Venice? She had only just come from Venice.97

"I have a surprise for you in Venice," Richard said, smiling mysteriously.98

"What sort of a surprise?"99

"Now, if I tell you, it won't be a surprise," he teased. He babied her and she adored him.100

The trip was so pleasant when you weren't alone. A few of the women assumed Richard and Oriello were married. They played the game well. The women asked for Oriello through the day. Richard would explain how careful she was about her complexion. Oh, the looks on their faces whenever he said that! They would usually step back indoors. Richard was having the time of his life. Having a limp had kept him out of social circles. It had made him shy with woman. Therefore, he had poured his life into his work. And for those who took the time to look, they found he had a brilliant mind. Being with Oriello had made him feel vibrant, important and in charge. Of course, there was the negative side to the voyage, the feedings. People had begun disappearing from the ship. One or two, you may think accidentally fell overboard but the number keeps growing. There  were whispers of a murderer being on board. Everyone was to be questioned at the port. The travelers were staying locked up in their cabins. In any event, Venice was only a few more days away.The locked doors didn't keep Oriello out.101

At last, we reached the port. No one was allowed to leave the ship until each person was questioned by the police about all of the missing people. It took hours for the interrogations. Richard was extremely nervous. He managed to get through it. But, it was Oriello he was concerned about. He needn't have bothered. She hypnotized the sheriff and his deputies and walked away clean.102

The two carried their belongings up the walkways until they came to a narrow building. It was vacant and had a sign swinging from the wall that read 'Richard Morson, M.D.' Oriello was surprised.103

"What is this," she asked.104

"It is the building of my late father. He, too, was a doctor," Richard said simply.105

"Oh," Oriello replied," did he have many patients?"106

"Father's and my practice have to do with the study of blood." 107

Oriello laughed, "Very Interesting." Richard unlocked the door and the two of them worked quickly getting inside. At the dock, he had paid two grimy looking men some money to bring the coffin. It was getting late.108

Oriello dressed quickly. Her gown was a deep purple with lavender 109

roses. It was one Richard had chosen for her. She was stunning. Richard was so deeply in love with her. He shut his eyes to what she really was. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her. She left, pulling the door shut. Trying not to hurry so as not to look suspicious, 110

she headed for the livery stables. A grungy looking man spied her then followed her into the darkness. 111

"Were did yer go, me pretty," he slurred. He saw her and grabbed for her skirt. She hissed and growled. Immediately, she lashed out. His throat was torn meat and precious blood for her craving. Once finished, she spat on him. She went out of the stable by the back way.112

As she walked, she grew melancholy. 'What an awful life this is', she thought sadly. 'All of these dead bodies.' ' My life is a chain of dead bodies.' 'I love Richard. This is no kind of life for him. He deserves much better. One day he will die. This nightmare I live will go on until113

someone drives a wooden stake into my heart.' She was overcome with emotion. 114

Richard was sleeping when she returned to the office. It had a living quarters upstairs. He was on the bed sleeping soundly. She looked at him with deep sadness. He had never mentioned to her how he had become lame. Perhaps it was an accident or a birth defect. It wasn't important, she loved him as he was. He accepted her. That was a miracle in itself. She peeled off his shoes and pants and covered him up. There was a clothes cupboard so she unpacked the trunks. It would soon be time to get in her coffin beside his bed. She thought about her house lying in ashes, remembered her mother and thought of her father. She tried to think of something to love or even like about him but it eluded her. She was curious about Richard's father. She hadn't thought of Richard having parents. He had never mentioned them until today. She would have to ask.115

Richard awoke to the sun spilling onto the bed. He was always sharp in the morning. He saw what Oriello had done for him and smiled. Little did she know what was in store for her. He needed to wash up and get some supplies for the laboratory. First he needed to eat. He was famished. It didn't take him long to look spiffy. He walked to a cafe' and had a big breakfast. From there he went to the hospital.116

He was licensed to pick up twelve pints of blood, ether, cloths, and empty quart bottles. All of this was to be delivered to his laboratory this very afternoon.117

Whistling, Richard stopped and bought a bouquet of flowers on his way home. He felt as light as air. He, also, bought a newspaper. He would catch up on the news while he waited for dusk. There was a mention of last night's brutal murder. The paper said it was the work of a "madman." Oh, if they only knew. They must never know! Whatever would he do if they were to drive a stake into her heart. They would  have to kill him, first. It felt odd, before he met Oriello, his life seemed full but, now, when he looks back, it was a very sad and lonely life.118

Before Richard knew it, dusk had fallen and Oriello was out of the coffin. They embraced for a long time without a word passing between them. Oriello was the first to speak.119

"Richard, may we talk?"120

"Of course, my dear, I have much to say," he answered.121

"Do you mind if I go first," she asked.122

"Why, no, Darling, of course not," he said.123

"Richard, what happened to your leg? If I'm going to be a part of you I want to know everything about you."124

"That's fine, Oriello. I have a disease in the bone. I've had it since I was ten years old and there is,to date, no cure for it."125

"Oh, I am so sorry," she said.126

"Does it disturb you in any way," Richard asked earnestly.127

"Oh, no, not at all, Richard." Oriello assured him.128

"Was there anything else," he asked.129

"Yes," she said, "I'd like to know about your parents." This made Richard happy. It meant they were one.130

"Well, my mother I don't remember much about. She died when I was four. My father and I were very close. He started this laboratory when he was only twenty and kept practice going until he was fifty. He lived ten more years. I took care of him right here until he died. I was his apprentice after I graduated from medical school." Oriello was impressed but she had just one more question.131

"When we first met, you mentioned following my father to London and finding out about me. How did you know what my father was?"132

"Your father was a very elegant man. He was also ruthless. One night I stumbled across him feeding and transforming. I was fascinated. I wanted to help him but he wouldn't hear of it," Richard said.133

"By what do you mean when you say 'help him'," she asked.134

"Now, that is where MY conversation comes in," he laughed. "I believe135

I've found a way to make you normal."136

"Oh, Richard, please don't toy with me," she pled.137

"I would never do such a thing to you, my love," he said gently.138

"Well, tell me of this miracle," Oriello was breathless.139

"What I have to do first is put you to sleep with ether. Next, I would proceed to withdraw all of your blood. Finally, I would pump new blood into your empty veins," Richard finished proudly.140

"Have you ever done this before?"141

"No, but I've thought it all out and tested it on small animals," he said. "Oriello, if you are the least bit afraid we can forget the whole idea."142

"No, it's fine. If I can lead a normal life with you and no more killings,143

I'll be so happy. I trust you, Richard." Her eyes shone.144

"Oh, Darling, I'm so glad," Richard beamed.145

Oriello laid upon a wooden table with only a cloth over her. Richard poured ether into a cloth and placed it over her nose and mouth. He held it there until she wouldn't respond to a pin prick. Quickly he worked with drawing out quart after quart of her tainted blood. Just as quickly, he pumped in the fresh blood with a device of his own invention. He kept the ether fresh. At last the deed was done! Richard wrapped her in blankets and held her until she came to. It was a miracle! She was hungry for real food. She was excited and happy. She felt like a new woman.146

Two weeks came and went with the couple living a normal life filled with so much love. They did everything together. It was so wonderful to see daylight once again. She had forgotten how beautiful it was. Oriello was filled with a deep peace and she owed it all to Richard. 147

Neither of the two were prepared for what happened next. Oriello had complained all day with a bad headache. Richard was busy in the laboratory and didn't pay much attention. At dusk he began to hear strange noises from upstairs. He ran quickly to see about Oriello. There she was writhing on the floor. Her eyes were glassy and her fingers looked like talons. Then, he saw them, the fangs. She glared at him.148

"Oriello, dearest Oriello, what is this? I healed you! This cannot be..."149

"It's the curse, you loathe some fool! You healed NOTHING," she screamed.150

"Curse???"151

"Yes, the curse," she hissed at  him.152

She flew to her feet and sunk her fangs into his neck. He fell on the bed. She left the laboratory and went on a murdering rampage, not caring who saw her or who knew. Hate was so strong in her that her power had doubled.153

It didn't take long for the townspeople and police to catch her in her resting place through mid-day. And it took even less time to open that coffin and drive a stake through her heart. She was no longer lovely. Hate had disfigured her. The townspeople buried the doctor in a coffin next to Oriello. 154

It was midnight. The light of the full moon shone down on the graveyard. A splintering sound began to fill the air. A man's arm pushed up through the fresh dirt. Dr. Morson flew up out of the grave.155

He would need to feed.156

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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • lavanya
    March 5

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    wow, dark and gloomy....feeling chill in my spine. well done dear it was really intresting read . nice twist in last part of the story . well done. good luck.


  • Aralinn
    November 2, 2008

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    Ohh wow this was a great story. The ending was deffinately not one that i was expecting, which is a good thing. YOur description and imagery were amazing and the story was so captivating.

    Happy writing

    Aralinn


  • DarkOneShadow
    August 24, 2008

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    Very nice... I will have to read more if you plan on doing other things like this. Thanks for the great read..

    DarkOne

  • candy4
    May 20, 2006
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    woderful story

    It so sad how orielle died.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, overall: 5, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.

  • Kurume
    April 21, 2006
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    Potential shows

    If you're aiming for an Anne Rice, you do very well; your story is certainly as intriguing as one of hers. The plot is well constructed, with a nice twist to the end. However, in fleshing out the bones it seems you've put great lumps of detail on some parts(conversations, gowns, midnight excursions) and rather scantily draped others in comparison(London, Venice - descriptions, as trista pointed out!). Your writing successfully sucks a reader in, so don't worry too much about the length- quality is important, and developing a tale of this plot could well take up volumes if you cared to make it do so.

    beginning: 4, language: 2, plot: 5, overall: 6, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 3.


  • Cassis
    April 20, 2006
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    i thought i was really good

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 6, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.

  • trista
    April 20, 2006
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    Much Potential!

    You have an engaging plot with a surprise ending , and I enjoyed reading this VERY much. There are just a few suggestions I have to make your story stronger. First, watch your punctuation. Many of the dialogue sentences should have ended with a question mark. ( lines 15, 27, 44, 52, and 88, just to name a few) Perhaps an exclamation point in line 80. Line 118 has several things that you might want to fix. The commas in the sentence, "He, also, bought a newspaper" aren't necessary and make it sound as if someone else also bought a newspaper. In the sentence "...but, now, when he looks back, it was a very sad and lonely life." you have lost your point of view. ( Also happened in a couple of other spots, line 102 "At last, we reached the port" line 101 "One or two, you may think accidentally fell overboard but the number keeps growing." These are easy fixes, just changing "looks" to "looked", "we" to "they" etc.) The paragraphing has already been mentioned so I won't comment on that. Your characters actions are very believable and consistent. I did question if they had sheriffs and deputies in Venice in 1889? I don't know, just wondered about that. You give great descriptions of Oriello's clothing. I would love to see more description throughout the story. Tell me more about what Richard looks like, what London and Venice are like, describe the Dr.'s office, the house, the countryside! The ending did seem a bit rushed, as has already been mentioned. Yes, your story is already long, but no one reading something this fun and interesting is going to mind if you slow the story down and give more details. And speaking of long, so is this! lol But, I would not bother with a long comment if I didn't believe the story had so much potential. Best of luck with your writing!

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.

  • christinaumsted
    April 16, 2006
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    Cool

    Great horror story!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • ennovy
    April 9, 2006
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    Fascination/excellent/dark love

    You held my atention during the whole read, and I love Vampires. You left me breathless with her death, and how they were buried together. I felt his re-entry
    from the grave was awesome. Write on!...ennovy

    beginning: 5, language: 3, overall: 8, dialog: 5.


  • wolvesspirit
    April 9, 2006
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    wow i loved it

    kept me glued from start to finish wht a superb story yes i was expecting the doctor to be a vampire to what a finish well done keep it up brillent

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, overall: 7, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.


  • gothchyld
    April 1, 2006
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    Fabulous

    This story is amazing - it has captured me entirely. The ending is a bit surprising, at first I thought Morson was also going to be dead as well. It is overall, beautifully written with graphic imagery, but I think you can extend a bit more, for instance describe further on Oriello's infatuation with Morson, and the ending seems a bit rushed. Anyhow, it is a great read.

    beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 4.


  • Linda King CT-USA
    March 31, 2006
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    Absolutely Amazing

    You had me captured from start to finish... but i never even dreamed he meant for himself to take her blood - why hadn't I figured that out. it was a shock but a good one. very well written - except you have the end of some paragraphs mixed with the beginnings of new ones. You need edit and fix that, cause it runs on & stops in the wrong places. I had originally copied the first mistake paragraph then when I realized it happened often - you need to edit this.

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • rindomai
    March 21, 2006
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    WOW. some parts move too quickly but other than that... WOW. i just love a good vamp story hehe... i would LOVE to know about the curse, though. and what happens to him now that he's been turned. youve left a lot to the reader... but i love it congrats on your first dark story!!!


  • Lady Siete
    March 21, 2006
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    One word, Enticing. I'm madly in love with Vampires. You capurted every feeling in me about them. Keep writing like this and you could be the next Anne Rice, I mean the Name Oriello. I really would like to read more from you in the future.
    <3 Kylee


  • Romeos Bleeding
    March 21, 2006
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    Great job i really enjoyed reading this, you have a great talent don't stop writing you have a great future in writing poems keep it up... loved it

  • FrenchKiss
    March 17, 2006
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    I was going to write the same thing as My Painful Romance.
    This is really and my favorite part was the ending as well.
    If only I got here sooner. lol. Then it wouldn't look like I was stealing someone else's comment.

    By the way, thank you for your comment on my peom. I appreciate it.

    ~~Ray~~


  • Shancy Fayre
    March 17, 2006
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    Thank you so much for your review. I was a little skeptical on this one. Shancy.


  • A Miserable Romance
    March 17, 2006
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    this is really good I like the ending the most, good job!!

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