“ why does god want me to die” I whisper to my best friend. I sob to her on the phone. This just reminds me like the many times I cryed to her before like when Zach said he couldn’t love a girl like me. She can’t say a word but just knowing she’s on the other line makes me feel just a little bit better. And she’s finally says something “you’re going to be sick forever. I don’t want that,” and all I can do is cry a little bit more, and a smile knowing someone doesn’t want me sick forever.1
Yesterday was the day I fell in love with Matthew. The only boy that calls me back, and sends me lyrics to my phone["with these things theres no telling we just have to wait and see"]. “at least I’m not lonely, he makes me happy.” I tell her. I don’t tell her about the way me and him have a song. Or how he says "im amazing".2
The doctor said im getting sicker. With all the rest I’ve been doing I think she’s lying. “ the blood tests don’t lie” but right now I wish they did. Maybe then I wouldn’t ask God why he wants me to die. I’m not ready to die, so I take my medication everyday, and sleep just a little too much. In the end its not good on my heart. “I’m not sure about anything. Why did I have to get sick? I thought I was a good kid. I don’t want to die dad” I tell him. All he can say is “you won’t. just take it easy.” My eyes can’t stay dry, and I cry with my black and white sheets. And take my medication 20 minutes later. Maybe I’ll guarantee that it won’t kill me. But life isn’t doesn’t guarantee a thing, just makes me ask God things I shouldn’t.3
I wish I had my Estabon right now. Maybe then he would answer anything I wasn’t sure about. I would where his sun glasses, and tell him about Matthew. And then I would cry on his shoulder and whisper “ I just don’t know what to do” But estabon is nothing more of my imagination. A character who I only dream about. 4
Suddenly the ending doesn’t seem as good as the beginning. Im just a simple writer that will never know how to end a thing. The conclusion is always the worst.“ I just feel empty you know” Zach told me once. When I asked him “ do you still need me”. And that was how he ended his answer. I wish I could make you speech less, and just lost with words. Im not amazing like that though. Im just a simple writer who will never know where it ends5
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Author notes
im sick with this stupid shit. thats "deadly". it can be fixed. but for some reason i just keep getting worse and worse. this is the realest thing i've written i would have to say.
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wow. thank you for that amazing comment.
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i want to comment the piece...if that makes sense. i do think it is the most real thing you've ever written. that's what stands out. and when you refer to estabon, it's like you drew this line between real and imaginary. and it's hard and it hurts, but it's like it needed to happen in this piece.
it's hard to deal and it's good that you're such a beautiful writer. it helps, even if the tiniest bit.
i'm sorry about the tests.
what really amazed me is how you wove other ideas into this, although it was so clear that there was one thing you needed to write about. your last line summed everything up so well and so simply. very impressive.
some of my favorite lines:
"just makes me ask God things i shouldn't."
"Yesterday was the day I fell in love with Matthew."
"I don’t tell her about the way me and him have a song. Or how he says "im amazing"."
i loved that one because i know that feeling...wanting to keep some stuff just for you and him. it's like a secret. it's so beautiful.
i like the first six sentences of the third paragraph/stanza a lot in the way that they blend.
beautiful job.
and everything will be all right. -
thank you. every comment from you means a lot. thanks.
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You let it all out, and that's what people need to do sometimes. Just...let it out and not care what anyone else thinks. So let me just, you know, applaud you. And, coming from someone who has a chronic desise (sp), let me tell you that things get better. Is it a pain in the ass to take tons of pills daily? yes. and is it annoying when everyone asks "what wrong with you courtney, why can't you dye your hair like everyone else, why are you anemic...blah blah..". but you just ultimitly have to remember that things always get better, because they have to.
-Courtney -
Solace for the moment. Therapy for today's struggle. One day at a time is all we can take. The poem (the reality) you shared has impact, which says to me that even in your most challenging moments, you shine through and touch others. However we go, I hope we touch others like you have. This shell we have borrowed for earth's short journey will wither, but the impact of the spirit will endure. If you can find strength in anything, know that your life, in whatever state, has meaning to others at this moment. All the best. Thanks for being honest and sharing.
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