Push me

PART I1

She stood silently on the cliff's edge, cold air clinging tightly to her scarcely clothed skin, blowing her long dyed black hair around her. She cherished these feelings, the pain, the cold. And her reluctance to let them go. But she wanted the freezing ice water below her to be the last thing she ever felt. A moment of pure awareness, before her body became as numb as her soul. Another pang of panic flew through her heart, pulling a gasp from her frost-blue lips. She watched the lightning burn patterns through the sky, illuminating the deep green foam of the ocean below. Ghost of tears shed in the past traced through her mind, and she closed her eyes, hiding her face behind her hands as if that could hide her from the world. 2

Please no, please. Give me just one moment. I can end this. I can jump. I won't leave this time. I can't take this anymore. Please...3

She took one step towards death.4

No! Stop! I love you, I want to be with you, I swear! 5

She cried as he hit her again, she fell to the ground. Her tear filled eyes begged him to stop, begged for understanding. He hurts you, because he love you, she told herself. 6

Another step.7

She watched the first few crimson drops flood the drain, swirling downward like a storm of blood mixed pale with water. Biting her lip to hold in the scream as she ran the razor over her wrist again. Pain inside and out.8

Another.9

I'm leaving you, he said. You're worthless, to me and everyone else. To myself, she thought.10

Sobs wracked her thin shoulders and she threw herself away from the edge, careless to the scrapes on her sensitive skin. She stood shaking from the damp grass, the first few drops of rain mingling with the salt water from her eyes, and the roar of the thunder drowned out her screams of rage and hatred at herself and her weakness..11

I can't do it! God, I can't! Her knees hit the ground and she prayed, prayed for the bravery to jump, prayed for someone to push her...12

PART II13

She hear their voices ripping painfully into the void of her dreamless sleep.14

"Oh poor dear"15

"Don't pity her. She's obviously insane."16

Her eyes snapped open, for a brief moment seeing nothing. Tears flowed down her frost covered cheeks. Stiffly she stood, her mind spinning as she stared in horror at the people who had gathered around her. A small whimper tore itself from her throat and she turned and fled. Her apartment was only a few blocks away and she ran until she made it, slamming the door shut behind her, ignoring the look of pity she received from the woman across the hall. Her breath was light and panicked as she tried to remember who she was and why she was still alive.17

I didn't do it. I was too afraid. Again18

With a cry of frustration she kicked the door and stomped off to the bathroom. Staring moodily at the grime covered floor, she stripped the cold wet clothes from herself. Under the flickering fluorescent lights, she stared at her body in the floor length mirror on the wall. The pentagram shaped scar above her right hip bone.19

"C'mon, it'll be fun. You leave your mark on my body, and I'll leave my mark on yours." He whispered to her, his eyes shining with the wild light that had drawn her to him.20

The bridge of her nose, a slight bit crooked. 21

Tires screeched. Metal crunched together as she was thrown forward, her face colliding with the dash board in front of her. She hadn't had a seat belt on. Their car didn't have any. They couldn't afford them. But mommy said one day they could, mommy said one day... Mommy. Her body was hanging half in, half out of the front window. Tears slowly mixed with the blood running out of her broken nose. Sirens slowly drowned out the sound of her six year old child's voice as she screamed over and over again.22

The angry red welts where the razor had sang its song in her flesh.23

"I-I hurt myself. I want to die." she stuttered quietly in the confessional. 24

"You know it is a sin to commit suicide, right my child?" the priest said in an unfaltering monotone.25

"But it hurts so much. I want the pain to stop..."26

"You must trust in God's mercy to carry you..."27

"What mercy?" She screamed, cutting off his words. "God has no mercy, not for me."28

With a scream of anger, she grabbed the hair brush off the cabinet and threw it as hard as she could into the mirror. The shards littered the floor, and only a small piece still clung to the mirror. In that one piece, just at the level of her collar bone, she could see the reversed words of her tattoo.29

Love is Death. 30