Dear Diary,1
I have a problem and I do not know what to do. I am quite thrilled that my book is out. An article was in the paper today. That causes me some intrepidation however. Does this mean I have really given up the hope that he is coming back for me? Does this mean I do not love him anymore? What does it really mean that I did this book. 2
I so wonder what Allan will say when he sees it? As he thinks me a worthless, insane idiot incapable of anything but not f%^&$# right so he has to go have an affair, I would so love to see the look on his face. His amazon woman also. Not enough to go find him. But I did something to get mentioned in a positive way, not for going to jail. I do believe he will think it all a lie. Odd that I should even consider what he would think. I suppose it is because he tried so hard to prove that I am worthless and I proved I am not. I did something worthy and to be proud of. In spite of, or maybe because of him.3
I am so alone in this house tonight. No one but me. How odd. I so wish that someone, who does not know that I know, were here. For the first time in a very long time, I yearn for the company of a man. No not just any man. But HIM. And he has not a clue.4
I had s very much come to believe I would never feel these things again. Yet, it appears that Allan truly has not "won" as he would put it. I am beginning to feel again. Though it hurts a bit because the one I feel for is deaf to my presence in some senses, it is splendid in others for I am able to allow me to feel. WOW!!! There may just be Hope after all. Lord knows I have shown enough Faith that it would again be possible for me to know Love.5
I suppose the problem really is not a problem. It is just that I needed to sound this out. Funny that to think of someone touching me in any fashion is beginning to not frighten me. One month ago, I could not even let my doctor do a physical and now I so want to see electricity when I am kissed. Hmmmmm??? This is a bit confusing to me. After what happened, I so hope I can be kissed, and more without the pa nick that caused Allan to think me an ice-princess or a f*&%$#@ freak as he put it when I would freeze and need the hiding comfort my blankets would lend me. I so hope that I do get better. I think I can. But at the rate I am going, I will never know will I?6
Thank you for listening to me. I so needed a friend I could confide brutally in.7
Love always,8
Faith9
Author notes
Faith is completely honest in her journal enteries. The feelings domestic violence have left behind cause much pain and confusion. By writing them here, she is able to heal.
No criticism of her feelings will be accepted. The writing of those feelings can have comments and criticism but not her feelings. She has taken a very long time to open up and I will protect her by sticking to this.
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Comments
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Hi Posemarie
I dread the trama you have felt
I think it is wonderful that you are seeing progress
to move away from your fear.
Everything in it`s time, the light will grow brighter
Rick -
Incredible
I have heard the opposite of love is indifference. I understand and have felt these feelings you have described. I do feel it is possible to love again and be in a healthy relationship. I wish for you all the beautiful things in life. Best wishes and Brightest Blessings! -
i so did not think anyone read these enteries. yikes!! i started them a while back as Faith but just decided to drop the pretense as I should not have to hide for I did not do the wrong. he did. eventually these will all come together as a story about a survior of domestic violence who gets somewhere in this life. your little captions at the end of your comments make me so happy. like a little play there. it is so cool and please do not ever stop doing that.
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Yes, you will "feel" and "kiss" again. You will be better and when that day comes you will be a strong you woman. Every one what to be just like you. You will be strong!!!
O~ by the way you not a freak. If you know me you know what freak really mean.
wish you the best
snow 
Vyianna: What do you mean by "if you know me you know what freak really mean?"
Snow: Because in this diary you say she's a 'ice princess' but i'm a ice queen.
Vyianna: My god!! Snow get out of this story. Now!!
Snow: That a diary
Vyianna: Whatever.
Snow: Sorry it just that this story/diary is too sad i want people to cheer up. There always tomrrow. Cheer up Faith!!!
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