The Coming of Memories/Ch8

Ch. 8: A Best Friend In Question1

Wednesday was spent preparing for the funeral on the next day. Many, many people at Jenny’s school had decided that they were going to show up and try to learn more about her.  I was still sleeping at one in the afternoon before I figured out that I needed to get a black dress.2

Off to the mall. Once inside, I find a nice designer’s clothing store where I would spend money at. I purchased a modest black dress that was appropriate for a funeral. When the employee helping me choose different things to try on asked whose funeral I was going to, I replied, “Jenny Nevall’s.”3

Of course, the employee hadn’t heard of her. Once I purchased my dress and was back inside my car, I had nothing else to do for the day except go to Andrew Jackson. School wasn’t over until three-thirty, so I’d have some time to visit without becoming completely noticed.4

Upon arriving at the middle school, I told the secretary in the front office that I was coming to replace Jenny for talking to the classes.  Once the secretary finally believed me, about twenty minutes later, she told me that I had to wear a large sticker that read, “Andrew Jackson Visitor” with my name signed on the bottom.5

I did whatever she asked me to, and was very thankful to roam the halls of A.J. like Jenny had done during her three years of schooling there. I felt practically giddy, and knew that Jenny would not ever be more jealous of me doing something other than what I was doing now. I was back in her element. I felt very safe at this school.6

Once I found some of Jenny’s old teachers, they were appalled at our resemblance. I found it very hard to not tell them how much I appreciated them – acting as Jenny. I felt as if I was slowly molding into Jenny.  After telling them that I was not too close to Jenny but had known a lot about her, they took me under their wing, as Jenny had felt they did with her.7

I stayed at the school, talking about Nitro with the teachers until school let out. Jenny’s eighth grade English teacher, Rachel Scarplander, asked me if I needed a ride.8

“Oh, no. I came on my own.” I smiled at her. We walked to the parking lot together, after I had told all of the teachers goodbye. She marveled at my Grand Prix. After I hugged her and told her that I would come back to visit frequently, we both left Andrew Jackson feeling a little bit better about what had happened to Jenny.9

It was about four when I finally got on the main road to go to my next destination. I had no idea why I was going there – especially since she had heard that Jenny had died. She was Jenny’s best friend all through middle school, and when Jenny had to go to elementary school for about nine weeks when she first moved to this area, Jenny knew that this girl – named Sam – was going to be someone she would care about.10

And she was right. The first day of elementary school, at Cross Lanes Elementary, Sam had befriended Jenny. They exchanged their numbers not too long after meeting. Jenny had admired Sam more than she had ever admired anyone, and knew that they would be friends for a very long time.11

But what Jenny wasn’t ready for, after all they had been through – sleepovers, talks on the phone, walks to her house, crushes on boys, school report cards and three birthday parties – Jenny began noticing that they were drifting apart late into the eighth grade. Jenny had confronted Sam about this several times, and each time, their closeness seemed to evaporate a little more. Once they were in the ninth grade, Sam had many more boys as friends and probably felt that Jenny wasn’t someone she wanted to be around anymore.12

This was the most hurtful thing Jenny had remembered going through. She didn’t know why Sam hadn’t liked her anymore, or why she felt that Jenny wasn’t cool enough to be around. She found out early in their ninth grade year that Sam had taken up smoking. After hearing this, Jenny tried to tell her that she still desperately wanted to be friends with Sam, even though Jenny realized later that smoking didn’t change who a person really was inside. 13

There were too many complications, many of which I wouldn’t list because they seem to private for anyone to know. Anyway, I am now driving down the road to Sam’s house. I have no idea what I’d say to her.14

Once at her door, Sam’s little sister, Lyndsey, stared in awe at me. “Jenny?” She asked bewilderedly.15

“No… I’m sorry to upset you, I realize how much I look like Jenny, but I am Emily. Is Sam home?” I asked her, wanting to tell her how much Jenny had adored Lyndsey.16

Lyndsey screamed for Sam to come to the door. I did not dare enter their house. Being outside it was enough to remember many, many painful memories. Once I saw Sam, they only escalated. I didn’t know what to say to her.17

“You’re Emily?” Sam asked, holding the door open and signaling for me to enter. I only shook my head.18

“I’d rather stay outside, Sam.” I tried to not let her see the tears springing to my eyes so quickly.19

“Are you okay?” She asked, stepping outside and closing the door behind her. Sam had shoulder-length gold blond hair, was very tanned, and a few inches taller than I. I remembered so much about Jenny caring for Sam that I barely could hold anything in.20

I nodded. Sam asked, “So, what are you doing here?”21

“I just wanted to see how you were taking the news.” I didn’t dare take my eyes from hers.22

“How did you hear? Do you go to Nitro?” She looked confused.23

“Jenny was a friend of mine… and I don’t go to Nitro yet. I will be enrolling for next year.”24

“Well, I’m handling it the only way her best friend can.” Sam stated, slowly, her eyes still fixed on mine. “You really look so much like her.”  Her eyes widening.25

“You were her best friend?” I asked, trying to keep in a hysterical laugh.26

“Yes, I think she would have said that I was.” She stated.27

“I don’t know if she would have or not.” I sighed. “I was allowed to read through her journals. I think that she might have wanted you to have a couple of them. I might go get them later, would you like to keep them?” I wasn’t sure where these words were coming from.28

Sam stood at me, still in awe from the offer, and shifted her weight to her other leg. “I would like that very much.” She said, tears building up in her eyes.29

“Would you not ridicule her, or make fun of anything she has written?” I asked, closing my eyes, trying to keep myself under control.30

“I would not do anything of the sort.” And with that being said, her tears overcame her eyes. I went to hug her.31

“You remind me so much of her. I’m sorry.” Sam said once she regained composure.32

“Would you like to talk about it?” I asked her. She nodded. We sat down on her large porch, winding around her gorgeous house that Jenny had always envied.33

“People said they saw her on Monday and yesterday, at school. I even saw her. But I didn’t stop to talk to her.” She sighed so heavily, it took her a moment to get enough air inside to keep talking.34

“You saw me. I was there. Not Jenny.” I proclaimed. She would be the first one to know that I was impersonating her. I had to start telling the truth – or at least half of it – sometime.35

After talking about why I was there, which I won’t explain what I said to her… but know that I did not tell her the truth, the subject switched back to her diaries.36

“I’ve read them over and over again since her death.” I stated, facing Sam. “You’re mentioned n there several times. You might not like a few of the things she has said. I want you do to something, for her.”37

Sam waited for me to tell her my suggestion.38

“Once you have read them, and once you know them very well, I want you to try and tell people who she wrote about what she thought of them. The boys she liked. The people she didn’t like, and why. The friends she had listed. Anything you can tell about her, I want you to do it.” I took in a deep breath while waiting for her to reply.39

“I could do that. I would do that for her. Do you think she wants me to?” Sam looked a little frightened.40

I smiled at the sky and knew what the answer to that question was.41

I went to the Nevall’s and told them about Sam wanting her journals. I had thought about giving them to Amanda, but figured Amanda couldn’t do with them what Sam was able to. Once I talked Barbara and Tom into letting me have her journals, without even letting them read them, which I believe truly saddened them, I went straight back to Sam’s.42

I reminded her of her task. She nodded. I expected the next few days at Nitro to be about Jenny and what she thought of people. And I gave her my cell phone number, and told her that if she ever needed to talk about Jenny that I was the person she should come to. I told her to pass out my number to people who wanted questions answered that Sam could not. I felt very good about what I had just achieved.43

“Do you think these should be published?” Sam looked at the stack of journals.44

I hadn’t thought about that. I knew how much Jenny wanted to be published. She had a poem published, but it wasn’t satisfying to her. I figured it was worth a shot, at least. Even if it was a very long shot in the dark, since I knew about what her diaries held.45

“I think you need to read them first. Oh, and don’t let anyone else see them.” I warned her. She nodded. “We’ll wait until people have accepted what has happened and until you have memorized her words. Then I will try to publish them.” I began walking to my car.46

“Thanks, Emily.” Sam called out. I felt very accepting of what I had done. Jenny was probably furious with what I had just allowed to happen – maybe even more so than when I kissed Aiden. I knew, though, that I would not be punished for handing over Jenny’s private thoughts to the person who needed them the most. But, Sam was not the receiver of everything else Jenny had to offer, and she was not the reason I was here.47

It was around eight in the evening. I was running low on gas, so I stopped at another station. I looked around after I had climbed out of my Grand Prix and found that Aiden was there. With Tabitha. In Tabitha’s car. He was watching my every move, transfixed. He had no idea why he kept seeing me – I could feel the pain in his heart. He had been trying to get Jenny off of his mind, especially her death and how he kept seeing her… like now.48

I began pumping gas into the tank, and locked my eyes with Aiden’s. He immediately sprang from Tabitha’s car, which startled her. He began walking from the other side of the station towards me.49

I looked down, turned, and kept my eyes lowered. I turned to see that I had gone past ten dollars in gas, not that it was a very big problem. When Aiden arrived beside me, I looked up.50

“Who are you?” He asked, tears stinging his eyes. He felt so much pain that I felt very terrible for meeting him here, though I had not even planned that it’d happen. I did not answer him. He kept staring at me with so much confusion inside.51

“Are you a ghost?” At this, I smile. I find his eyes again, and quickly turn to see that I was exceeding fifteen dollars in gas. “Please tell me.” He begs with his eyes.52

Tabitha eventually finds her way over, and doesn’t know how to greet me. “Were you lying to us about who you are?” She asked suddenly.53

I nodded, still keeping my eyes on Aiden. I begged God not to hurt him. It began raining very suddenly. I knew that I had upset Jenny, and knew that I wasn’t supposed to say anything more.54

“Who are you?” They asked in unison.55

“Emily Dawson.” I extended my hand to Tabitha first, who reluctantly shook it. Then I offered it to Aiden, but all he could do was stare.56

“I bear an amazing resemblance to Jenny, and was asked to go to her school one last time, as if I were Jenny.” I said, finally stopping the gas from going into my tank. It was filled up. I stared up at the two of them, still wanting answers. The rain vanished.57

“Who wanted you to do that?” Tabitha asked confusedly.58

“Oh, an old friend.” I smiled at her. “I hope you’ll forgive me. I feel really bad about impersonating her.” My attention was focused on Aiden.59

Tabitha began walking away. Aiden didn’t notice.60

“You let me kiss you.” He said, eyes wide.61

I looked down for a moment, and immediately replied, “I should not have done that. I know it was very unfair. You feel very unsafe around me now, I am sure, but I want you to know that I had no intentions of anything other than what happened.” I let a deep sigh out.62

“I don’t want to ever talk to you again, Emily.” He said, and walked away.63

I felt a little hurt, but knew that it was supposed to be this way. I prayed that God would strengthen Tabitha and Aiden. I really was quite fond of Tabitha.64

Once I paid for my gasoline, propped myself back into my Grand Prix, it was time to get something to eat. I treated myself to a Frosty from Wendy’s. I did not go inside the restaurant, but went in the Drive-Thru.65

The phone rang as I was attempting to get back on the street. I was going to go to my little nook outside of Charletson, but take the long way to waste some time. I grabbed the phone and diverted my attention to the traffic, even as I greeted the person.66

“Hello, Emily, this is Sam.” Her voice sounded calm.67

“Yes, how are you?” I tried to be polite. I pulled out into the busy street and began driving with one hand.68

“I just read a lot of things that confused me,” Sam sighed, “I had no idea she felt this way about so many people.”69

“What are you talking about?” I asked her gently.70

“When she said that she didn’t care about people at Nitro, and that she would give anything to get away. She never appeared sad to me.” Sam seemed frustrated with her, but knew there wasn’t anything she could do now.71

“Yes… well, make sure other people around you don’t feel as Jenny did. That’s the best thing for you to do now, Sam. Besides tell people what they meant to her.”72

“I will do that tomorrow. I thought about going to the funeral some more, and decided I'll go. All of the teachers were talking about it today. I felt very uneasy about going.” She confessed.73

“Bring the diaries.” I told her.74

We hung up shortly after that, and I was driving with some inspirational music on the radio. I began wondering what tomorrow would be like. I had an idea of how many people would be there, and told myself that it would not be many. I had hoped that Jenny’s friends in Ashland could blow off school and go to her funeral. And Amanda would probably be there, as well. Lindsey, her friend from church, was sure to come, as well.75

I found myself believing that if I died tomorrow no one would attend my funeral. This was all to change soon. I would do things this summer to try and fit in. By the time school was over with, people would know me a lot better. But this is not what I really wanted, for people to care about me. I really only wanted to find one person out there who would.76

Once I arrive at my little sleeping place outside of Charleston, around ten, I am quite tired. I realize that it’d be nice if I arrived early for the funeral tomorrow, so that Jenny’s family would realize that I do care about her.77

I remembered a complication then. I had told Sam that I did not attend Nitro, but I had told the Nevalls that I did. I figured that Sam wouldn’t openly talk about how I had appeared out of no where – not even school – to Jenny’s parents. I was safe.78

I wanted so desperately to call someone. I thought that it wouldn’t hurt to call Brittney, but I don’t know who I’d say I was. I lay awake for many more hours, wanting to converse with someone. Loneliness came hand-in-hand with my sort of job, but I hadn’t thought that it’d be as bad as this.79

I began praying to God that he’d grant me the patience to do what I was supposed to. That he’d help me find my way, whichever way that was. I gave up all of my problems to God, never once leaving out how sorry I was for allowing myself to do something as sinister as allow Aiden to kiss me. But now, he was out of the picture, and even though Jenny had a lot in common with him, I knew it was for the best.80

On my laptop, I began writing in one of Jenny’s online journals, one that a lot of people usually read. I made it appear as if it was posted before Jenny’s accident. In it, I wrote about a girl who looked so much like Jenny that strangers would probably say we were identical twins. I wrote about how she would probably try to change things in Jenny’s life (all of this that I wrote was in Jenny’s perspective) and I mentioned how I was feeling very awkward while around her, but thought she was harmless.81

Thinking that it wouldn’t cause too much of a commotion, I posted it. I decided that I’d check to see what responses I’d receive in the morning.82

After checking her mail, I thought that I’d write to one of the people that she normally talked to online. I remember her believing that they always only teased one another, and figured that conversing with someone right now would probably be the best thing for me to do.83

When I signed on an Instant Messaging program under her name, a lot of people tried to talk with me. I recognized many names, and found that half of them were people from school asking who I was since they knew I was not Jenny.84

One of them began talking to me as if I really still was Jenny, so I talked to him some more.85

The things that were said were unbelievable, and I knew at that minute why Jenny struggled with her self-esteem.86

One of the messages said, “This is Sam.”87

I began talking to her some more, learning the ways of Instant Messaging.88

I talked to her for most of the night, mostly about Jenny.89

I knew that Sam felt she was not who Jenny thought she had been. That Sam had tricked her the entire time, and she felt bad about it. I went to sleep around midnight, apologizing and saying that I needed to go to the funeral early tomorrow.90

I fell asleep listening to another one of Jenny’s CDs.91