Bad Day (aka the crack-y-est Harry Potter Fic ever)

Today was not Harry Potter's day.1

Our stunningly sexy yet slightly rumpled hero had woken that morning with a crick in his neck, a pounding head, and vague recollections of dreams he felt certain he was better off not remembering. Harry put on his glasses and stumbled from bed, deciding that a visit to his godfather's rooms was the perfect cure for his melancholy mood. As he pattered down the hall, Harry couldn't help but notice the eerie silence permeating house, and for the first time it occured to him just how likely it was that Sirius would be sleeping in. Cautiously he knocked on the door, and after his third unsuccessful try he cracked the door just enough to peek in. 2

There was no Sirius to be found inside, and seeing the made bed Harry decided that could only mean one of three things: 1) Voldermort had attacked during the night before Sirius had gone to bed, and bypassed Harry's room completely to go after Sirius Black (The idea almost made Harry laugh), 2)Sirius had spent the night as padfoot and had fallen asleep on the couch (Also unlikely since padfoot woke early and always made a racket that could easily rival Peeves or the Weasley's attic ghost), or 3)Remus had taken over the duties of they're dearly departed (this time Harry did snort) house-elf Kreacher (who padfoot had used as a chew toy after the Ministry fiasco), and made Sirius' bed for the lazy slob. 3

Given Sirius' loathing of all domestic work, and Mssr. Moony's inability to tell Msr. Padfoot no, this last option seemed like the best bet. 4

Remus! That was it. Harry would kill a little time talking in Remus' room until Sirius demanded breakfast. With any luck, he might find Sirius lazing about in there as well.5

Trotting quickly up the stairs, Harry strode determinedly towards Remus' rooms. Remus only slept in after the full moon, currently two weeks away, and had no doubt been awake for hours already. This was why Harry did not take the same precautions he had with Padfoot's room, and simply threw the door wide open to step in. This, as it happened, turned out to be the worst mistake of Harry’s young life. 6

Forget talking back to the diary, forget looking in Snape’s pensieve or grapping the Tri-Wizard Cup, this was so much worse. 7

There was Remus Lupin, former Defense teacher and all around gentle man, balls deep inside Sirius Black, who was currently bent over double on his hands and knees. If only that had been the worst of it. 8

Poor Harry watched in horror as Remus thrust particularly hard once, delivered a sharp smack to Sirius posterior, and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “Bad dogs deserve spankings, yes they do…who's my bad doggie, who's my bad doggie!” 9

That spurred our hero to action, and Harry slammed the door shut. Leaning against the wall, he closed his eyes and tried desperately to think of anything except the sounds coming from the other side or the thousands in galleons he would have to pay for therapy.10

Harry hurried back down the stairs with a little less bounce that he had coming up, deciding that, while he detested muggle coffee, a shot of caffeine might be good for him about now. He walked through the door and past the table, nodding but not really looking at its occupants. Suddenly, his head whipped around. 11

There was Mrs. Weasley naked as the day she way born, spread across the table like a Christmas feast, with one hand wrapped around braids of violet hair, and the other buried in a mop of brown frizz, quickly giving away the identity of her two companions, who were also in various degrees of undress.12

“Mrs. Weasley?” Harry ventured weakly. 13

“Oh Harry dear, did you need something?” she asked giving Harry a warm motherly smile, quickly replaced by a lusty glazed look as the bushy head between her knees changed angles.
It took all Harry’s legendary will power and determination not to vomit right then and there. 14

“Where is Mr. Weasley?” Yes, that was the key, casually remind that she’s straight and married, it’s an easy thing to forget, they only have seven children after all. 15

“In the library I believe dear”. Harry bolted from the room without sparing the now ruined table another look. 16

Firmly resolved to tell Mr. Weasley of his wife’s actions, or at the very least suggest he take a trip to the kitchen, Harry stomped angrily into the library. There he found Mr. Weasley (and every other male member of his family) catcalling and applauding as Professor Snape, greasy and ugly as ever, gave Charlie a lap dance in nothing but tiny pink frilly knickers. He saw Fred (or was it George?) lean over to give Ron a kiss full on the mouth, complete with visible tongues and everything. This time Harry didn’t even try to think of a response, opting instead, to simply walk over to the liquor cabinet, grab a bottle of fire whiskey, and walk back up to his room.17

Harry Potter pouted petulantly and stared sadly at the bottom of his now empty bottle.18

Today was just not Harry Potter’s day.19