Red Cloak (Part Three)

It was cold.  Cold as only a dead man could feel it.  Or so it seemed.  Really it was a warm night in the city.  But who really cared?  It was cold to Emrys.  Another party, a different manor... but there was no Anna.  No sparkling gem, no magnificent flower in this sea of grass.  No one intrigued him.  It was just party after party, face after face.  Interesting people were hard to find in the well to do crowd.  But one night, in a side street tavern, he met a man, drunken as he was, that was spouting off some nonsense about life, and mistakes.  Everything that he said seemed to echo through Emrys' mind.  He had never heard a man, let alone a drunken one, speak so deeply in all of his years.  And oh they were many.  He walked slowly through the smoke and smell of alcohol over to the mans table as he rattled on to some other man, who was barely even awake, and spoke quietly, but pleasantly.  "Sir... might I inquire your name?"1

"Eh?"  He squinted a bit in the haze, then smiled widely.  "My name is Josiah!  What is your name??"  2

"My name is Emrys... do you always talk about such things?  Often, I mean?  I find your lecture to be so interesting, even as drunk as you seem."  The older mans eyes seemed to glow suddenly, and seriously, with a depth that he could barely understand.   His voice was very calm, and very pointed as he spoke out his answer slowly.3

"You are the only one who has been listening, I'm afraid, Emrys.  But yes.  I frequently speak about these things.  I find however, that here is the only audience I can find.  No one wants to hear such thoughts.  They don't want to know the ramblings of some middle aged man."4

Emrys was suddenly filled with a desire to hear more.  To understand what it was that this man was talking about.  He burned with a desire to gain the knowledge that Josiah seemed to possess.  "Josiah.  If I were to offer you a gold piece an hour... would you teach me about these things?"5

Josiah's eyes grew wide as he heard the offer, and a tear actually settled into the corner of his eye.  His countenance was that of a man so thankful for something... but that something wasn't the gold.  It was for a listening ear.  A chance to share these things that he had for so long felt the need to share.  "Son, you don't have to pay me anything at all.  I'll teach you anything that you want to know, so long as I know it myself."6

"I'll meet you here tomorrow.  At sundown.  In the great room upstairs."  Josiah nodded in agreement to this, and Emrys walked out the door, excited as he walked away from the bar and towards his place, back to his coffin.  His thoughts were restless as he tried to settle in for the day.  How could he not think about the snatches of conversation he had heard?  It was all too much to take in for him.  His thoughts wandered.  Are there really no mistakes?  I wonder if all of life is really just a dreadful dream.  A terrible dream...7

The day passed quickly enough, but seemed to drag on and on for Emrys, until finally came sundown as he rushed to the tavern, and upstairs.  True to his word, Josiah was there, and completely sober.  He nodded to Josiah and walked over to the owner, who was pouring some ale into mugs, and whisperer to him careful placing two silver pieces on the bar.  Immediately the owner picked them up, walked over to a door, and unlocked it, motioning to Emrys that this was the place.  Behind the door laid a set of stairs traveling upwards, and he motioned to Josiah, who rose and followed him up the short staircase and into the special dinning room upstairs of the tavern.  Thoughts of Anna were still playing at the back of his mind as he asked his first question, before they could even finish sitting at the table, which was soon to be covered in food as a small boy came carrying trays of specially cooked food up and the best of wines.  "What were you saying last night?  About mistakes?"8

Josiah nodded gravely, and began to speak, he could see that Emrys' attention was fully on him.  "Emrys.  I'm going to tell you what I have learned in life, and you take it for what it is worth.  There are no mistakes.  Mistakes are merely events that are subject to opinion and interpretation.  The beginning of another path, perhaps, but there are no mistakes.  It is only how one views it.  In the grand scheme of life, there are no mistakes.  Only events that lead you down the path you follow.  Sometimes the path is harder than it was before, but sometimes you needed it to be harder.  You understand?"9

Emrys nodded slowly, trying to take in what he had just heard.  "But sir... I have done things that I can assure you are mistakes.  I have done things that have caused me to lose so many good things in my life... things that have caused me to lose people... lose love... how are those not mistakes?  The gravest of mistakes..."10

Josiah only nodded, but then smiled.  "They may seem like mistakes to you... and they might always.  That may never change.  But the truth is that you do not know the future, nor the alternate future.  You do not know that it was a mistake at all.  Sometimes we do things, even for others, without even knowing it.  Those that you drove away, or caused yourself to lose... might have needed to be lost.  You never can tell what would of or could have been.  Instead of dwelling on it, think on what actually is.  In that, you will find more fulfilment than what is in the past."11

"What if I don't want to remember the past?  The past is painful for me.  It is full of negative things that I don't wish to think about.  Mistakes or not, they sting me.  They hurt.  The people I have lost hurt."12

Josiah nodded, and took a small sip of his wine.  "I'll tell you about memories.  They are what makes us who we are.  We are the sum of our experiences in life.  How then could we wish them away without wishing ourselves to be someone else?  And wishing that is nothing but self-loathing.  Which accomplishes nothing.  Instead, try to find the beauty in the things that you have lost.  Find the beauty in pain, and you will have found the key to life."13

"The beauty in pain?  I have seen much suffering, weeping, and agony.  Never was there any beauty in it Josiah.  I never found anything wonderful in tears or in screams.  What you speak of sounds like the mutterings of a sadistic man.  Is it not so??  To find pleasure in pain?"14

"Perhaps you are right.  But you must do it, none the less, for I can show you the beauty in it.  You lost someone you love.  Someone you care for.  It aches deep inside of you.  The pain is so striking that your chest tightens and your body weeps and you want to crawl into bed and never wake up.  Where is the beauty in that, you might ask?  Why do you feel as such?  What makes you feel so much agony?  It is in the answer to that question wherein lies the beauty.  Something beautiful had to happen for you to mourn as such.  The fact that it is gone does not change the fact that it happened, and it is yours.  That thing is yours.  That is why we have our memories.  So we never truly lose those things.  You understand?"15

Hours upon hours went by.  The conversation was breathtaking.  Emrys listened, enchanted.  Josiah encouraged interaction as much as listening, and he found himself completely wrapped in the discussion.  Time and time again he watched as Josiah defeated his own feelings of defeat, and crushed his feelings of sadness.  Time and time again, he watched as his views were twisted and changed by the pure truth and force of his arguments.  And when all was said and done, and Josiah had eaten and drank well, the sun was ready to come up.  "Josiah."  He said with a large smile on his face.  "Will you meet me here again tomorrow?"16

"Nothing would please me more Emrys.  Nothing would please me more."  Emrys stood, nodded, and left, quickly hurrying back before the sunrise to get into his coffin.  He found that Anna's ghost no longer haunted him, but instead, her memory whispered something about purity, and truth, as he drifted off into that other worldly slumber.  She was there, again.  Not visible, not audible, but he could feel her smile, if it is possible to experience such a thing.  She was pleased that he had found some small semblance of peace.  There was still a longing for her touch... but it was accented by the beautiful memory of the kiss they shared.  Josiah... how does a man of so few years know so much?17