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Bursts of white-blue are flashing so rapidly around me that the lingering allusion of light is not even given the chance to fade to black, before another shot of brightness overpowers it. The sight of the dancers, covered only in thin scraps of silk or leather, writhing and grinding and doing positively shameful things to one another may have excited lesser men, but not me. No, as I look out upon the sea of disease spreading whores surrounding me only one thing keeps me from curling my lips in disgust. 2
The blood thrums through a myriad of veins as each heart races with speed, or smack, or any number of unnamed uppers they managed to snort in the car on the way here or shoot in a dusty booth once they arrived. Adrenaline junkies, every last one of ’em. There’s one guy in the center getting off on the promise of a quick blow right here on the glowing dance floor; not because it’s sex, he can get that at home from his wife after the kids are in bed, but because it’s a stranger’s red lips nibbling at his ear, a stranger’s tongue licking his leather covered cock right here where everyone can see. He’s getting off on it because he shouldn’t, and I almost regret it when I see a shudder run through him, because I would’ve liked to have had him. He had spunk. 3
I want them all though don’t I? I want to sink my teeth into all of their necks. I want to rip all their throats open and lick their gushing blood from the torn tissue. I want to drop them to the filthy pavement of New York’s darkest back alleys and watch them writhe and gasp as each attempted scream forces a new spray of red from their throats. Okay, so I’m a sick bastard. Immortality will do that to you, ya know. 4
I switch modes. My vision is starting to sharpen, and I can see every drop of sweat rolling down one guy’s stomach. I follow the path one drop left, over his muscles, and then let my gaze rest on his face. Youngish, strong, horny enough to follow a cat into the alley if it waved it’s tale at him…he’ll do. 5
I make my way over to where he’s dancing, grab him around the waist and pull him flush against me. It makes me shudder, but I suppose he thinks it’s pleasure. I’d be grateful that it’s only his back I’m touching but then he starts grinding back against me. Yep, disease spreading whore. I push down vomit as I squeeze his ass then turn and head for the back door. I don’t have to look to know he’s following me. 6
Don’t get me wrong, I was nauseous for a reason. Men just aren’t my thing, never have been, and the day I spring a boner from some little boy-slut ogling me is the day I’ll gladly castrate myself. Still though, men always fight back, and nice as it is to have a warm tender woman in your hands, to hear her shrill screams when you tear into her flesh, tonight I want a fight. Oh good, I’m there. 7
I step out into the alley. There’s a supplier’s car just down the street, most definitely within sight, but they won’t bother me. After all, what is a crack dealer going to say that the cops will believe? I hear his soft footsteps behind me, and a few minutes later when I still haven’t turned around he starts shuffling his feet. I don’t need any of the fabricated “vampire super-senses” to know how nervous he is. All the better for me. I’ve spun around and sank my teeth into him before he can even register that I’ve moved. The same dime-store romance crap novels that pump the “super-senses” have also come up with this crazy notion that being fed from is “erotic”. This, my beloved readers, is bullshit. You see a vampire’s teeth are long enough to break the skin, but not long enough to get to the vein. They aren’t incredibly sharp either, coming to a rather dull point at the tip. This means that even after you get past skin, you have to really bear down to break the vain, resulting in the tearing of the sensitive flesh surrounding it. 8
So even if his eyes do widen in shock first, the adrenaline will kick in soon enough. Ah, there it goes. Now he’s kicking his feet out and bucking wildly like a caged animal, and I’m tempted to laugh at him, but just resume sucking instead. I’ve let his fists go, purely for entertainment’s sake you understand, and he starts throwing his arms backwards in an attempt to strike. The action is futile, much like a small child striking their father in a fit of anger, and frustrated sobs escape his lips. This time I do laugh. Deep, rich, slightly hysterical laughter, and in the process I spray his face with his own blood. He barely forces the bile back down in time. 9
His movements slow to shudders as the pain truly set in, and he lets out his first scream. It’s a heart-felt, blood-curdling, animalistic yowl, and at first it pleases me. But then the scream is followed by many more, and I’m starting to get a headache, so I crush his throat. He starts gasping and clawing at my hands, and I smile when I look up to see tears rolling down his face. We go on like this for at least 10 minutes, with me occasionally stopping to lick the blood that is spilling over, giving him a half-glance at my face. That makes him try to scream again, which inevitably brings more pain and tears. All too soon though, I feel him slump in my arms. He’s not dead yet, but he will be in a minute or so, and it’s no fun once they loose consciousness anyway. I’m full of course, and have been for some time (between you and me I only need a few sips to refuel), so I just let him drop. 10
I make sure to wipe my mouth and chin clean before I walk out onto the busy sidewalk. I’ve never been big on hiding the dead ones, mostly because any police force would be pretty damn hard pressed to find me. I died more than a hundred years before finger printing. And I never feel bad about the killing because you all deserve it. Every human over the age of five, capable of making conscious decisions, and walking the planet Earth has, at some point, been an evil bastard. You’ve all fucked up. You’ve all hurt others. Goodnight and sweet dreams.11
Author notes
Keep in mind, that I'm trying to be original with my work. As much as I read some unintentional stealing is unavoidable, but if you see any blatent plagerism, please let me know so I can look into it. To the best of my knowledge everything here came from my sick little head.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I really think this is deffently original, I find this a very well written story. You have done well with description and what is going on in the mind of the charectur. Well done.
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personally I'm not a huge fan of vampire stories. With that said... I find yours to be rather interesting and worthwhile to read. There are some structural issues and some missing punctuation (commas) but I'm not sure how in depth you'd like me to be. otherwise it's good.
I would have prefered more detail about the character. I'd also like to point out that the character dying and fingerprinting is moot. not everyone has their prints on file ... even now. I'm not sure that part is necessary.
Thanks for sharing this
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Not typical. I like that. Intriguing and engaging. Fast pasted no jet-lag. I did not stumble over any part, so if there were any errors is spelling or grammar it's lost on me. Can't wait to read more
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Lol, way to go with having original sick thoughts. Very dark and disturbing piece, definitely what this group is aiming for. Nice original ways of describing things, interesting words and imagery. I especially like the last paragraph.
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"And I never feel bad about the killing because you all deserve it. Every human over the age of five, capable of making conscious decisions, and walking the planet Earth has, at some point, been an evil bastard."
What a twisted way of thnking. I love it. I believe the same thing as your character. Everyone in this world has been an evil bastard at some point in time. What beautiful writing.
Kitten -
Intriguing...
I normally don't read vampire stories. In fact, had I known yours was a vampire story, I would not have read it at all. I should have checked.
But, I do not regret reading it. It was an intriguing story with few mistakes, and the ending was superb.
Beginning: 4/5
Your beginning was very good. Your character obviously does not like where he is, and as such I asked myself: What is he there for?
Then I find out he's a vampire.
Though it wasn't disappointing, I assure you.
Ending: 4/5
Superb ending.
"I never feel bad about the killing because you all deserve it. Every human over the age of five, capable of making conscious decisions, and walking the planet Earth has, at some point, been an evil bastard. You’ve all fucked up. You’ve all hurt others. Goodnight and sweet dreams."
An interesting viewpoint. Humans are, indeed, sickening creatures. We love to torment, to watch others be tormented, and most of all we love the power to do so. We love to watch others suffer, plain and simple.
Some may disagree with me, but answer me this: What is the main ingredient in any story?
Conflict.
Think about it, and you'll see it's true. Every good story is filled with conflict. Something sets someone against the odds of nature itself, and we enjoy it.
So, I grant you a 4/5 for coming to an intriguing end.
Characters: 4/5
Your character obviously hates life and humanity in general. He's a vampire, but I'm glad to see he's not stereotypical of most vampire stories I read ('vampire in love' and 'misundestood vampire' being the vast majority).
He's an excellent character, and exactly what this group is for: Villains.
Plot: 3/5
Don't think I was flattering you earlier. The plot seems a bit average to me. Although you successfully broke away from the vampire cliche', it's still the same old story: find someone to eat, lure them away, kill them, and then leave the body where it is (I've not read many vampire stories where they actually get rid of the body. They always seem to, for some reason or another, leave it right where it is. So much for washing your plate after you're done.)
Really, though the story is excellently written and descriptive, I would suggest a bit more of an original PLOT. As you yourself stated, the things included in the story (the events) were completely of your own making, but you can't possibly try to tell me or anyone else that the plot of a vampire feeding on someone late at night was your own original idea.
I don't mean to be insulting, but you obviously have some talent, and I suggest utilizing it for something truly unique and original, because that's what makes the story all the better.
Language: 3/5
"This means that even after you get past skin, you have to really bear down to break the vain,"
First off, you misspelled 'vein', which surprised me, because you spelled it correctly in the previous statement.
"he's not dead yet, but he will be in a minute or so, and it’s no fun once they loose consciousness anyway"
'lose' only has one 'o'.
It was a well-written story, but due to the spelling mistakes, I have to give it a 3/5.
Dialog: [not voting]
Techniquelly, this whole story could be considered dialog, since it's 1st-person-limited.
But, there really was no dialog (dialog being: "I'm going to kill you," he smiled wickedly), so it's unfair of me to vote on that.
Overall: 5/10
Though well-written, it could still use a bit of work.
I give it an average score because, honestly, even though it was definately unique, I see a lot of stories written like this on storywrite.
Good luck on the next one!
~Mad-Hatter -
Very Vivid!
More description of your characters might not hurt, if it doesn't slow the pace. Dialog could be fun. The point of view of your vampire is really well presented. My vampire has sharp fangs which puncture. He is not into gore. Also, Victor is into the opposite sex. Your vampire feels justified in killing the human race because of his disdain for it. Anyone five or older. He seems to kill for sport, more than food. -
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This is the first in a series, not a stand alone piece, so description is forthcoming. Dialouge is a well, but you'll have to wait a few chapters. My character would never stoop to speak to humans (though there will be begging on the part of one of his victims in the next chapter), so dialouge doesn't come in strong until he meets up with another vamp.
He absolutely feels justified in killing, and does take great joy in it. I would like to be kind and say that he has some deeper reason for his hatred, but he doesn't. He just hates us all. Except me...he's required to like me.
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Introspective and Dark
Very good work, congrats. It's a very introspective, detailed and dark piece about a vampire's psyche and lust. A vampire's mind, so to speak. I'll be watching out for more of your work from here on! -
It's strange how the various levels of horror combine to create a truly meaningless world. I kept thinking that perhaps one world was supposed to be better than the other but it all seems so dead and selfish.
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I liked it, I must be as sick as all the rest then LOL. Very sexual.
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Well expressed this story of vampire lust - takes us with the tide so to speak. Sounds quite original to me, but then I usually do not read this kind of story.
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yer!!!! brilliant but i would have shortened it slightly or added more paragrapths yo make it easier on the eyes well done good write
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Well, I can't say you're sick for being turned on, as there was a good deal of sexuality in the whole piece. Actually, there is going to be even more sexual "activity" as the story progresses. I appriciate the comment (and the applause) and will try to return the favor at some point over the weekend.
Amadeo -
i guess im as sick a you are, because i was not only obliged to agree with you at the end, but i finished reading being soewhat turned on...i must be a sick bitch. good piece though. i never was fond of vampires as people, but i find their way of existence fascinating.
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