1
i see her...and i go to her 2
i don't want to 3
fuck 4
Fumbling for my car keys, I hesitate and turn. 5
Turn back 6
Fine 7
I'm fine 8
I'm fucking fine. 9
I take a deep breath, turn and go. 10
There's no stopping it now... 11
I catch up to her 12
she stops 13
she smiles 14
i smile 15
can i even see her 16
is she real 17
i don't know 18
all this coke and...booze. Valium wrestling the edge. 19
fuck..so what. 20
hi 21
hi 22
so..what are you doing tonight? 23
nothing 24
you look a little high 25
i know 26
would you like to be? 27
she tilts her head....ok 28
with a wry smile on her face, we choose the motel 29
it's dirty here 30
i don't care, she says 31
ok 32
man....she's gorgeous...and even in this fuck-up haze high drowning a broken life....i put the money on the table. 33
and the coke 34
line 35
me 36
line 37
me 38
and in no time i can remember anyway.....she's on top of me on the bed. 39
and i don't know her 40
her hurts 41
her scars 42
her tears 43
her life 44
i didn't fucking care... 45
and i think she way passed caring a long time ago. 46
all i wanted was more 47
more sensation 48
more escape 49
more numbness 50
and way more fuckin high 51
that's all i knew 52
here 53
she hands me her number 54
thanks 55
she smiles 56
she doesn't care 57
she doesn't know my hurts 58
she doesn't want to know my scars 59
she doesn't want to know my tears 60
my life 61
she didn't fucking care...and neither did i. 62
and i sat down on the bed and just fuckin cried. 63
cried like a baby 64
i need it 65
i want some more. always more. 66
so i do another 4 lines.... 67
The thing of this all is that i did fucking care 68
and i hated it 69
hated feeling like this again 70
like i just used another human being just cause i want more 71
more 72
more 73
more..all the time. 74
The pain just grew...and got stronger and stronger and stronger. there wasn't any escape at all. wind blew around the streets more quiet at 3 am. i didn't want to go their again. but i let the moment take me. cause that's all i had anymore. moments. moments to live. it was always about the moment.75
I didn't care in the drizzling rain, shrugged my shoulder, where i had to go. i was numb. wasted. blasted. and totally hungry. fuck. i looked down on the ground and the gutter, cigarette buts floating down the drain. grey. dull. drizzly...and slightly cold. i did another one of those pondering things...perfectly equalized of course, on the chems already in me...creating balance, but a great fuckin high..and numbness. to deal with the moment. always about the moment. always has been. i see these cigarette butts, and realize that's me....i've been smoked, thrown in the gutter...and washing down the drain. 76
Yes...there were tears. pain. sadness. but if i could keep myself numb....i wouldn't feel these things. my life wouldn't be in this place. and all the while. nobody knew. not even me.77
i was loved and cared for78
i had all that i needed and more.79
could have made it to where i wanted to be80
but....fuck it. who cares.81
fuck it.82
numbness. that's what mattered. 83
she was part of that numbness tonight.84
the drugs85
the booze86
the meds87
i stopped and looked down a rain-soaked alleyway....88
in that moment, i thought i should look for her.89
but she would never see me90
fine.91
i take a deep breath and walk on forward.92
past garbage bins93
junkies in corners of door wells94
a few dealers95
i pick up some crack and head to my car. i just wanted to go home to the safety zone. but i didn't get that far. the dealers want some of your "time' sometimes. fuck. whatever. so i do96
hey buddy97
yeah.. what's up98
look, i thought we might get a chick and go back to my place. come on, man. i just scored you high-grade shit. good count.99
fine, i say quietly in my mind as i nod my head in the, "that's cool".100
awesome. i'll be right back. wait here. go do some hits while u r waiting.101
and i can't wait to.102
so i do103
those little yellow rocks. big ones actually.104
and hard.105
high grade shit106
i manage to snap off a few reasonable chunks and stuff it in the pipe. god, i love the taste of crack. that smoke. that high.107
and the fun thing about it is, because crack doesn't last long, i buy like 5 or 6 "8 balls" at once.108
and immediately i want more.109
and then her face110
her fucking face111
damnit112
comes crystal clear in my mind as i'm walking through the very pits of the city. and i fucking hate it.113
smash it114
just....go away. fuck. my eyes close again, and....another deep sigh...115
i'm soaked116
i'm wasted117
so i take a position behind one of those dumpsters118
instead, it take the heroine i had earlier119
unfold120
shape lines121
snort122
....and again.123
and i'm asleep.124
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
-
painful journey experienced firsthand by the
In my humble opinion, I liked the original chapter 3 and think this could be another chapter standing beside chapter 3. You're maintaining the same internal dialogue tone and feeling... desparation and doing whatever it takes to make the pain go away come across loud and clear (forte). -
right on it's nice and honest but this is a rewrite?? I duuno it seems that every chapter is a disorientated tale that doesn't add up to the rest of the story...I guess your getting to it all but i'm all impatient..I await the next chapter everytime and usually wonder how the dude got in the hospital in the first place...I ean, is this where he gets jumped? Everything is so disorientating...I don't know. But hey..damnit get to the next chapter...we're all waiting......there are no rewrites here until i read the whole damn book...(laughs)
You cut off things, like the I'm asleep it seems like a final solution to end a chapter...then again everything is a hustle and flow so maybe...yeah your right it is a good ending...the guy can;t think about sleeping because everything is happening so fast...nice...
Adding your comment:
