Sneakers

Remember the days you loved so much without ever consciously acknowledging your love?1

Remember the hot July hours when you were six, seven, eight, and all you had to worry about was that your swimsuit was still a little wet, but that didn't really matter because you were about to get it wet again anyway? When you could get up at any time you woke up, and play in the sprinklers with Suzie from around the corner until you got hungry. Then you could go inside and have peanut butter and jelly, milk and chips that your mom made for you, and she loved to make them because she wasn't working, and you loved to eat it because she cut the crusts off and bought the chips you like and put so much love in it that it was impossible not to eat it and appreciate it and say, "Thanks, Mom." And even Suzie from around the corner would say that it was good.2

Remember going to school with scraped knees, a lunchbox in one hand and a yo-yo in the other? When the only future that plagued you was the school play, and that wasn't for another three weeks and you didn't need to worry about it yet. And you raised your hand when you knew the answer and felt proud when the teacher smiled at you and said, "Good job," and told the world that you were smart and special and loved. Playing tag and foursquare and any other number of games with your friends and winning, losing, not really caring either way. And your best friend Scott would say that you weren't like other girls, and he'd punch you in the arm, and you'd punch him back, because that's what you did, you punched each other. And you would rush back to file into line when the bell rang, because you didn't want to be late for Art, because it was your favorite subject.3

Remember spending Christmas with every member of your family, with the tree so looming and large and it was never bigger or better than it was this year and you'd never seen so many presents in your whole entire life? When everything tasted good and everyone was happy and your dad would wear ties with green and red on them, because it was Christmas and he was glad for Christmas, and you were glad for Christmas because he got to stay home and play catch with you forever and ever. When you stayed away from the mistletoe, in case your grandma tried to catch you under it, because she did it every year and you always tried to escape but it never worked. And you'd run away from her, but your mom would catch you and make you kiss her, and then you would have to sing Jingle Bells, because you sang Jingle Bells at Christmas, always.4

Remember going to Disneyland when you were really little, so little you always have trouble recalling it, and everything seemed so big and bright and scary and happy and strange? When Mickey Mouse was just a giant with two huge circles on his head and big white gloves and you liked him even though he scared you a little. When everything cost at least a dollar more, that's what your mom said, but it tasted so good and it was from Disneyland and you wanted it anyway. And you and your dad waited in line for the teacups and you thought you'd never get on them because there were so many people in front of you, and then when you got there, it was so fast and dizzy and you and your dad laughed so much that you wanted to wait in line for another four hours to get ninety more seconds of that spinning glorious feeling.5

Remember not having to worry about things? Like the way your parents don't kiss each other goodnight anymore, or how your sister spends all her time in the bathroom, and you think maybe she's throwing up, but you're not sure and you don't want to tell your parents in case she'd be embarrassed. And her waist is going away, and you can't imagine where it's going, but it makes you sad because she's not who she used to be, because she threw up her soul in the bathroom an hour ago. And your brothers stays in his room all the time, and when he comes out he has bruises and smells bad, like the high-up cupboard that your mom gets water out of to serve to your aunt Samantha. And you know it's not water, because it makes your aunt Samantha act funny, and sometimes it's a good funny, because she sings and talks to you, but it scares you a little bit, and you don't know how.6

Remember when you were very small, and the only things that mattered to you were your mom and dad, your sister and brother, and your friends? Remember when you didn't care what boys thought of you, because most of them played baseball with you and liked you, and you wore your favorite jeans for weeks because they were comfortable and they were lucky. Back before you became aware that girls didn't like you and boys didn't like you the way they liked other girls, they didn't notice your hair or your shoes or the way you put your hands on your hips like the other girls did. And you started to think about how you looked, and you wanted to wear makeup, but you didn't have the first clue about it, and your sister wouldn't show you and your mom thought you were too young, so you tried it anyway and you looked stupid. And all the other girls laughed at you when you weren't looking because you didn't know about lipstick, and none of the boys noticed you any more than before.7

Remember before you grew up and realized how young you really were?8