THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT COMMENTED1
Author notes
This story will be taken down before the end of the month. I'm trying to get it published, and just want some comments. Please give constructive comments, I'll be happy if you write "i like it" but I'll be happier if you explain exactly WHY you like it.
T. S. Weston
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
-
T'is a bit Romeo and Juliet but I quite liked it, it held my attention. I think you would be better off saying "after the death of her husband, Alexander." in the fifth line. "Swum" is an archaic past tense of swim. "Where they swam " or "where they went swimming" would sound better I think, with regard to the creek storyline. You have some good descriptions and I feel it could be an excellent story with a little more work and thought, such as other reasons for your heroine to stay alive, perhaps.
Ann -
Thank you very much for commenting on my piece. I agree with the expanding, but havn't the time to do it right now. I may work on that this weekend though. Have a lot of time to myself. Anyway, thank you again.
-
God was always there.
I am pleased that I happened upon this story.It has a lot going for it and yes it would make a great short story so go for it.the characters are well described and the scene is set.There is a great twist at the ending and the plot is substanial.If expanded it could also make a great movie.Wish you luck in your venture friend.Elizabeth. -
great twist in this story, heartbreaking but beautifully written. thank you for writing this and entering this contest! best of luck.
~tara
-
I think I may have been influenced by Romeo And Juliet... this is the basic plot from the play. Deep love lost, life taken, love wasn't really dead. Instead the roles are reversed. She kills herself first. Thank you for your comment, and I'm glad that a promise can hold such a grip on your life. It's the most honorable thing I've heard in such a long time.
-
Did it leave you wanting more as in poor ending or as in you wanna know did she or didn't she pull the trigger?
-
i have chills!!!! i lost someone i love so very much two years ago. i tried to commit suicide at first. three times. would have succeeded had there not been someone there whom was scared s&^%$#@#. anyway. i have often thought he really did not die. i had promised him, before he died that i would not try to do this again. when i remembered that, i have not tried again. i so wish that he were coming back. enen with the reality of it all, i will not try this ever again. that promise i made means the world to me. i can not take it back. this just reminded me of him so much. thank you for sharing this with me and i think it will make a great publication. i can see it as a movie. where it shows him leaving, her thinking he died, going through it all and then....ring ring ring...... yikes, romeo and juliet move over. viyanna r langager
-
Lovely story left me wanting more. Excellent piece of writing.
-
"a sort of hermit after her husband, Alexander’s, death."
i don't think there'd be a comma after "Alexander's" the pause doesn't sound right, to me. perhaps i am incorrect -- could be.
" a message on her answering machine from the U.S. Army was all she had for a clue.
i don't understand why you have the last part after "U.S. Army" there? it doesn't make sense. why is she even looking for anything dealing with a "clue"? what mystery is there? i don't get it.
"was the creek they had swum in on hot days, following the creek you,"
to my acknowledgement "swum" isn't a word and if it is, i think you used it incorrectly. i believe you mean "swam".
"He was dead, and so she would be, too."
too many words in this line, mainly at the end. i feel it'd read better if the word "so" was taken out. seems to clingy of a word.
the ending was expected. you had so much emphasis on the fact that she was trying to find a reason to kill herself that i new before i even got to the end that she was going to kill herself and also knew that he was alive. i've seen this in movie, i'm sure.
i'd re-work the piece in keeping the idea of "him" more so than her and her contemplation. perhaps tone it down to a particular picturesque moment, in which you did display but seemed to make my mind wander off and not care about finishing the rest of the piece.
i'm sure if you submit this piece for publication even the one who would publish it would tell you the same thing, hopefully. it needs a lot of work. just read it as if you didn't write it and tell yourself how you'd write it. i know that sounds weird but it does work, most times. -
oh my this is such a sad poem, but it is a totally good poem at the same time.
-
Good story.
-
Exsquisite
Extremely good story, love pieces that leave your mind wandering on what happened. Can really feel the emotion of the woman within the piece, and sympathise with every thought you wrote. Well done , i dont read many short stories but this was for sure worth the click. Good luck with publishing, hope to someday see more from you! -
Oh WOW !! great story.. I can feel this woman's hopelessness and pain.. And now, it will continue on to her husband.. who also will never understand. A+ write.. Debby
-
It's enthralling and i wish you luck with the publishers!
It must take a lot of imagination to write such a good story. (A little more description would be nice.... no offense! Only expressing my opinion)
-
Good luck on publication
Oh it keeps your interest. I don;t, although lots of others do, like it when I am left to decide. Did she pull the trigger or did she hear Alex's voice first??? -
very good, i found myself feeling sorry for her, and i love the way u left open for the reader to decide what really happened. very good.
-
Thanks for the comment. I'm glad you liked it.
-
That's exactly the point of not telling. I want people to guess about the trigger. Did she or didn't she do it? She raised the gun, but did she pull it? It's implied that she did by the answering machine picking up, but that could just be lack of time. How many times have you missed calls because you couldn't get to the phone in time? Thanks for the comment.
-
you definitely have a talent for story tellin
great story and that's about what i can manage right now -
Im not sure if she acctually pulled the trigger but this was a great story. I didnt se the end coming atal. I do hope you get it published and that it does well. I will look out for more of your short stories
Adding your comment:
1 - 20 of 20
