Am I Perfect Yet?!

Obsession, the word that defines the way I felt about what I was going through.  Actually, what I was putting myself through.1

My obsession is just a little crazy.  It’s not being madly in love with the hottest celebrity, and it wasn’t collecting anything.  It wasn’t about having more of anything or knowing more of something either.2

So is there such thing?  Can a person be obsessed in any other way? 3

Well, like many of the things I do, my obsession, is different, very different.  I was basically obsessed with myself.  Not the conceited way, but I could not get over all my flaws and imperfections.  At first it was just spending 30 minutes in front of the mirror, thinking of how ugly I was, and searching for all the wrong things in myself.  But now I’ve actually done something about it, other than just complaining.  I wanted to change me.4

Sometimes I frighten myself with my mind.  This scares me… no, I scare me.  At times I know exactly what I am doing, and I tell myself to stop all this messing around that I’m going through.  I know that I’m hurting myself, and I’m aware I need help.  But I don’t want to seek for help at all.  Looking for someone to help me or someone’s sympathy was the last thing I wanted.  5

Then there are times where I’m just… crazy.  I hate myself, and I’m wishing I could die.  My only punishment is living, and like how people feel towards punishments, I wanted to get out of this one.  6

Its so weird how my feelings go on and off about me.  I know I’m not confident, and even though I appear secure, it’s only because I don’t want people to fall apart the way I did.  I try to protect my friends from the scary parts of life.  I’m like everyone’s guide, and I can never tell anyone how I’m feeling because I’d rather suffocate myself in my feeling than let these people be hurt.  7

Life is so hard when you act like something you’re not.  When you try to look secure to protect people from their own insecurities, you’re just lying.8

How can people think that I’m perfect?  As if I lead a beautiful life.  I guess I should be happy, because I have a boyfriend that thinks the best of me.  I have a best friend who would die for me.  9

Am I just taking all this for granted?  Is that how people see me, like I’m just complaining about the stupidest things?  That’s why I don’t want to talk to people about what I go through.  10

I play a role in life as if I was the doctor, I don’t get hurt, and I don’t seek for all the negatives in life.  I don’t make the mistakes people do.  I’m always happy and grateful for life.  It’s like I’m just… me and I protect everyone.  But that’s not what I am at all.  I am the one, who is so insecure, she’s afraid and she cries every night.  I’m the one that is crumbling, the one that is so lost, the one that’s just standing in one place.  But that’s not how I appear to anyone.11

My many insecurities have made me insane.  I just wish I was satisfied.  I want to be perfect, like the way people see me.  And now that I have a boyfriend who I love so dearly, I feel like I must be the best.12

I love him so much, its hurts.  It feels like I can spend forever with him and never think it was enough.  I’m not tossing love around; I meant it when I told him that I loved him.  I didn’t lie when I told him he is the first thing on my mind when I’m awake and the last thought before I’m asleep.13

Do you think he deserves me?  Even though he’s done so much to me, I love him so badly, that I forgave him.  Its ok, all the things he has done to me, I’m ok with it.  I can’t hate him, because believe me I’ve tried.  I can only love him, more and more.14

I feel as if I need to be… “Perfect” so I won’t lose him like the first time.  I know I messed up the first time we were a couple, but I wanted to make this time work out.  And I know what I went through after we were nothing but strangers.  It had hurt me so badly.  It took us a while to regain our friendship, and so I am grateful.  That’s why I promised myself that if I got him back I wouldn’t let him go like I did before.15

Sometimes I feel like I should hate him, not loving him so much.  At times I think he’s lucky I took him back after all he’s done to me.  16

But how can you not love someone who sees you perfectly.  Can you hate someone who tells you how pretty you are?  Can you?  I can’t….17

Even though I know he loves me, since everyone tells me it shows so well, it’s so hard to say everything is great.  Because life never is great, life is never good.  18

Right now in my life, it’s not ok.  Every day I’m afraid of losing him again.  And that thought just keeps on haunting me.19

The chance of losing him is pretty big; at least that’s how I see it.  So many people are after him, and it frightens me, that I can be hurt once again.20

One more reason to why should be perfect.  Now nothing seemed in my control.  I don’t think I can change anything in my life.  So I searched for something I had control over.  I searched for my imperfections so I can be perfect.  But nothing came to mind.  What can I do now?  21

All the girls that liked him were skinny and pretty.  It pains me to admit that.  And I know I’m not all that attractive.  So I wanted to go on a diet.  You know, since the media is in love with the skinniness in the models, actresses, and everyone.  It convinced me that skinny was pretty.  22

I did that, I tried to at least.  All the stress began to build up from making sure I was eating the right food that I actually gained weight.  I was even unhappier with myself.  I thought my competition was now ahead of me.  So what if left to do?23

Anorexia came across my mind then.  I loved the idea.  Before I thought it was so stupid, but I loved the thought of starving yourself.  Even stress can’t make you fat if you were anorexic. 24

This eating disorder soon became an obsession of mine.  And I loved the feeling of starving myself.  I felt satisfied with its outcome.  I assumed I was happy now25

But even after all that satisfaction with how I looked, why didn’t I feel any more secure with my relationship with Dylan?  I felt the same, like I could still lose him at any time.  I guess this only made me feel worse, and I tried to continue my eating disorder hoping it would make me feel better.  But it didn’t, at all.  26

At this point my tears still did not stop.  It all bothered me how the answer could not come any quicker.  I hated doing this!  I wanted to stop, because I became aware that this was wrong.  If I hurt myself, my best friend would be hurt too.  That was the last thing I wanted.  I knew I needed help, but admitting that was so hard for me.27

I knew I was going crazy, the way I had two sides to me.  But I continued this craziness.  I went with it, each night wondering if I’ve done the wrong or right thing.  If I’ve been doing the wrong thing… what do I do now?  Every time there was nothing on my mind, this topic found its way in onto my mind.28

When I thought I should stop with this stupidity, the reason that brought me into this, kept me hanging onto my problem.  29

What if I changed myself again, and turned back to who I thought was… “Fat” would Dylan still love me the way he did or has been.  But if I continue this, would he love me more?  Was this benefiting me or was this pulling me apart from the happiness I was only begging for out of life.30

Why can’t the answers to my wonderings be told to me?!  I wanted Dylan to tell me this.  I wanted him to tell me that he loves me for who I am.  But I was unsure if he did love me for who I am.  Because he has told me I am pretty, cute and hot, I wasn’t sure if our relationship was based on looks or how we feel about each other.  Was this even real?  Does he love me the way he keeps on saying?  Does he love me…?31

I was wrapped in thoughts that kept on tapping on my mind.  I wanted so much; I wanted a lot more than a normal person would want out of life.  I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be told the truth, I wanted answers, and I wanted to stop everything.32

That’s why at times, death sounded like such a good idea to me.  If you die, you don’t feel, if you don’t feel, you don’t get hurt.  Was death really what I wanted?  Then I wouldn’t have to worry about being perfect or not.  33

Everything I did became stupid to me now.  But I didn’t want to stop.  I was afraid that if I stop things would go wrong again.  Would things go wrong again?  Why can’t I get a straight thought in my mind?34

All these questions only made me cry.  It had not done anything better to me.35

I realized how much Dylan meant to me.  he meant so much to me that I’ve been willing to change myself.  Was he worth this?  Actually, he was worth all this.  I was convinced he was worth all the tears; he was worth all the mistakes.  36

I loved him more and more.  I tried not to love him so much because all this was for him.  It was unhealthy to do.  I knew that it was.  37

But how could I stop?  How could I know for sure that things wouldn’t fall apart if I stopped with all this nonsense? I wanted life to be perfect, I wanted to be perfect… so was I perfect yet?38