The title is kinda self explanatory. What I'm going to write is not really a story, but at the same time it tells a chapter in the story of my depressing life, so here goes.1
For so many years, 10 to be exact, I have tried to think of reasons to keep on living. But as the years pass and I get older, I steadily run out of reasons. Last night I almost slashed my wrists, but I really don't want my friend's parent's to have to replace the carpet. That's the only reason I didn't quite slide the knife down to the veins and arteries. Nobody wants to be around me, nobody wants to get close to me. Well, I just went out and got more sleeping pills and now I don't have to worry about staining any body's carpet, don't have to frustrate myself trying to make a noose, don't have to try to get the money together for another gun, and I sure as hell ain't jumping off a building and splattering myself on any sidewalks. I used to think I knew why I didn't die in the fire but now I don't know why the Fates toyed with me like they did. It would have been better if I had died. The only up side is there are more poems for ppl to remember me by now. And all of my poems are on this site so if the site sticks around, so will my poems. I have enjoyed talking to many people on this site and I wish I could have met y'all in person but as a person depending on others to drive me places due to my car still lying in pieces by my old house, I can't get anywhere. So I'm going to give some last words to some of you.2
Pyromaniac67- Caitlin, keep your head up and keep writing. You are an incredibly talented poet. I wish I could have met you in person but, like I mentioned above, I can only go where the D.C. Metro system can take me. I'm glad to see you are happy and I hope you continue to stay that way. You are a wonderful person and I wish I could have hung out with you because I know you are one cool woman.3
Aliana- Thank you for all the kind words you have said to me and the positive comments you have made on my poems. You have kept me inspired to keep writing poetry. I wish I could have met the person behind the words. May you have a fruitful life and keep writing.4
TakenAway- DJ, thank you for being there to listen to me vent, and talk to me. You are a wonderful person to talk to, and even though we haven't met in person, I know you are a cool person to be around. Keep rockin' on!5
Thank you to all the others who have helped to keep me inspired and I wish you all bright blessings.6
It's time for me to go finish the details of my viewing and memorial service. I think I'll get cremated and have my ashes spread over Shenandoah National Park so I can be with my dad, and because I know nobody would come to my grave if I got buried somewhere, that and I have no clue where I'd want to get buried at. I have to get killed in combat to get buried at Arlington National Cemetery, so that place is out. Goodbye everyone.7
-Paul Lee Jones-8
Author notes
Everything was explained above. Goodbye everyone.
-Paul Lee Jones-
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My Love
I'm glad you are still alive. I've felt this way in my life many times, but it's not worth it. After that, there is nothing. There are people who want you around. I am one of those people. If you had gone through with it, I would have never met you. I would never have had the feelings for you that I do. I love you with everything inside of me, no matter what. We are going throught a tough time now, but it will get better. Somehow, we will make it work.
Love Forever Yours,
Jessica
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Lord Sangria...
The pain you hold within you is known all to well to me, for I know you better than most. Remember always, you are the master of your destiny, weather it be good or bad. From your eyes is great pain, from your heart a grand love....it may be a sweet and sour mix, but the daylight and strength to go on...you now hold in your hands, and your hands alone. Look through the eyes of your heart and the sorrow will fade away like the sunlight sky sucumbs to the velvet touch of the night. -
hello paul, my name is liz (aka unfathomable)
am happy to see you wrote this yesterday
yet logged on today
glad you're still around
fate brought me to this page
perhaps curiosity will lead you to mine
(giving fate a little boost...here's my link: allpoetry.com/poets/unfathomable)
don't worry, i'm not a religious fanatic out to save your soul
just another person who has been there
and is still here
if you do visit my page, please read my article "are you depressed?". just possibly, it could help...and if it doesn't, all you've wasted is a few minutes.
hope you don't mind my stopping by now and again
i know you will be here (and not just your words)
i'd like to get to know you, perhaps we could learn from each other.
~liz -
I wish that you could get through this and only see that you aren't worthless at all, and neither is life.
Though I don't know you personally, I felt a connection to you through your writing. It hurts even me, a person whom you do not know, to think that you feel you have nothing to live for. If anything, live for your internet friends, and live for your writing.
LIve for life, even if there is nothing left. You were put on this earth for a reason, you were kept alive for a reason. You may not know what that reason was, but somebody does.
Please, don't go through with that. You have a life, you have works, and you have people that care about you enough to come on here and say it. Live for that.
Amanda -
All I want to do is just hug you. I wish I could of, with more than my words. No one is worthless & you are so not If only you could see further than your pain honey xxx
You were doing so well with your poetry and writing your life out, to heal you have to confront it first & you were in the perfect place to do that, we may not know you in person, but we want to help you.
sigh I think I want to scream now. -
Your scaring me..
Paul,
Please, not matter what, dont kill yourself! Not now.. Please?
Goodness.. I mean, I know things are tough, I have tried to take my life 3 times already & I know now that there is a reason Im still here. And, there is a reason you didnt die in that fire. It wasnt your time. And Im very sure that now isnt your time. As I was reading this, all I could think was I wish I was with you. You dont deserve to die like this.. Leave suicide for when you have lost everything, and you havent lost everything. You havent lost me!
Please.. You had me in tears when I read this. Dont.
I really, sincerely hope that you take my words to heart.. I'll be emailing you, so please.. If you havent harmed yourself, write me back. I promise, I'll do everything that I can to help you.
-Love::
~Caitlin~
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