Circles

I can remember lying there, wondering 'why?' Why me? I was so young; so small, very giving. Has some evil thought of mine or some seeming-less innocent insult caused me this much pain? Has karma come full circle to slap me in the face for some small thing I've done?1

Questions are engraved in my mind. I'm lying here crying and teetering on the brink of insanity. Some minuscule part of me wants so badly to tell you what happened to me when I was eight. How he broke me. How badly I hate him.2

This facade makes me tired.3

I cannot tell my parents. I think they know, but actually saying it might ruin this mask I've strived to build.4

When I told you I didn't trust you I didn't mean you as a person. I just think the teacher in you will let it spill. Words may come tumbling out of your mouth at some staff meeting.5

NO one can know.6

But this weight on my shoulders is getting hard to bear. I suppose this is the price I pay for that evil thought.7

Now I am made to hide lies and bear the burdon of seeing him another day. It hurts so much to pretend I even remotely like him.8

And ending life is not an option. I don't think I could do it. I'm afraid of what comes next.9

My anxious habit of circles drawn by knuckles on the nearest hard surface has returned. I'm bouncing from foot to foot and my only responses are strictly shakes of the head and eye movements. I know that if I utter a word every pent up emotion will come crashing out. I can tell because when I try to speak my voice cracks and breaks.10

You keep glancing at my hands as if coming to the realization of how large this situation actually is. And I just realized a second ago that this is somewhat of a cowardly thing for me to do. You know... this. Writing what I should have said before right now.11

But I still think that no one should know about this. If it was my daughter I think I would be ashamed. Or at least embarrassed.12

Well, I guess as you said, I'm just confused. So horribly, horribly confused and screwed up, and fucked in the head. So now these words mean nothing.13

I'm just going to let karma take it's course and go full circle.14