Shrek - the real version

SHREK – the real version1

We all know the version that DreamWorks would like us to believe, but this is the true story of Shrek. . .2

Shrek was wondering through the enchanted forest cracking his 3 meter whip in anger because somebody had crept into his compost heap and stolen all onions that were rotten to perfection. “If I find the person, animal, enchanted creature that stole my rotten onions I will tie them to the rack and flog them black and blue, I may even take the hooks out my flogger to make the torture last longer,” he muttered under his breath.3

“Hey, watch where you going,” came an angry voice.4

“Who said that?” Shrek demanded.5

“I did,” came the voice from under his overweight beer gut. “You’re standing on my hoof GEROFIT!!!”6

Shrek took a step backwards and looked at the creature standing in front of him smiling widely. “What the hell are you?” he demanded.7

“I’m Donkey,” came the cheerful reply.8

“I did not ask WHO you are, I asked WHAT you are, there is a difference.”9

“And I told you, I’m Donkey, I’m a special donkey.”10

Shrek burst out laughing, “special, oh (snickers) special.”11

Donkey looked at Shrek all confused, “are you mocking me?”12

“Um, let me think here, ummmm . . . YES. Now GET OUT MY WAY YOU STUPID ASS.”13

“Where you going?” Donkey asked14

Shrek Glared at the annoying little beast, “Leave Me Alone.”15

“Why?”16

“Because I said so, and I’m a huge beer guzzling, chocolate eating BDSM OGRE!” Shrek yelled at Donkey.17

“Oh, why?”18

Shrek looked deep into Donkey’s eyes, “yes I can see just how special you are. How often were you dropped on your head as a baby?” Shrek pushed Donkey out the way and walked on.19

“What’s your name?” Donkey asked after about ½ an hour.20

“Are you still following me?”21

“I’m not following you, we’re friends, friends stick together!” Donkey bounced around excitedly.22

Shrek slapped him.23

Donkey followed behind Shrek whistling and singing loudly, “where are we going?”24

“To find the asshole who stole my fermented onions from my compost heap,” Shrek grumbled.25

“Oh, . . . . why?”26

Shrek stopped dead in his tracks, stuck his hands deep in him pocket and pulled out a huge red ball-gag. Turning to face Donkey he said, “oh Donkey, I have something for you, look a nice big shiny apple. Open wide.”27

Donkey opened his mouth as wide as it could go, Shrek plunged the ball-gag deep into his mouth and tied the straps behind Donkey’s head quicker than you can say “Bondage”.28

“hemmgm thmmisdss isnmmmt a gammppmmmle,” Donkey mumbled through the gag. 29

Shrek looked down and the little ass and grinned broadly, from his other pocket he pulled out a very wide leather studded collar and placed it on Donkey’s neck. “There, now that is so much better!” he mused as he attached the leash and yanked Donkey along. Shrek had a bounce in his step and was whistling a merry tune, (both of which were very unusual for this particularly grumpy ogre). After walking the perimeter of the swamp Shrek returned home, with Donkey in tow only to find that every enchanted creature had set up camp in his front yard.30

“What the hell is going on here?” he bellowed?”31

“Lord Fork-Wit has banished us to the swamp,” came the squeaky reply from one of the three little pigs. Sighing Shrek went into his cabin only to find Sleeping Beauty in her glass coffin on his dinner table, “DEAD BROAD OFF MY TABLE,” he screamed to the 7 dwarfs. 32

“What?” came grumpy’s reply, “the bed was taken . . .” (ok some things are too classic not to include). Shrek ran into the bedroom to find Little Red Riding Hood riding the big bad wolf, reversed cowboy, yielding a lasso.33

“You, are sick,” was all he said to Little Red Riding Hood and walked out the room.34

By now his blood was boiling, “GET OUT OF HERE” he yelled to all the creatures. 35

The littlest of the little pigs pulled the hem of his dirty shirt, “where are we supposed to go Mr Ogre Sir?” it asked with tears in its big teary eyes. 36

Controlling his anger, he cleared his throat. “Fine, I shall go to Lord Fork-Witt and sort out this shit, coz come hell or high water I DON’T want all of you in my yard!”37

“YAY,” came the combined screams of all the creatures.38

Entering his cabin once again, he grabbed his toy bag, “I may as well have some fun along the way,” he commented to himself. Yanking Donkey by the leash, he pulled him, “you are coming with me.” He strapped the toy bag to Donkey’s back and started marching towards Lord Fork-Witt’s castle. “Which way now Donkey?”39

“Gllrmmmmpppl” came the reply.40

“Oh you still got that in,” Shrek smirked. “Shall I take it out?”41

Donkey nodded his head eagerly.42

“I’ll take it out on one condition, no more talking, singing, humming or any noise in general, understood?”43

Donkey nodded again. Shrek removed the gag and replaced it in his pocket.44

After walking through the night and most of the next day they reached the Lord Fark-Witt’s castle. There was no-one in sight. Apparently the entire village had pissed of Lord Fark-Witt and he had them sent to the asylum in the next state. He was busy interviewing prospective slaves for his boudoir.45

“Next,” came the impish voice from the interview room. Shrek and Donkey entered the room. “Comedian acts are only being interviewed next week,” came the tedious almost automated response from Lord Fark-Witt.46

“I’m not here to look for work, I came to demand you remove all the creature YOU placed in my swamp!” Demanded Shrek.47

“You demand from me? Lord Fark-Witt? Don’t be ludicrous.” 48

Shrek stood up straight, towering over the diminutive little Lord Fork-Witt, “Yes I do!”49

“Oh, ok.” He replied shocked. “I’ll tell you what Ogre, go find me my princess and I’ll get rid of, I mean re-locate the creatures. Is that a deal?” He stuck out his hand to shake on it.50

“Deal!” Shrek shook Lord Fark-Witt’s hand. They both looked at Donkey and together said, “break it already.” Donkey obliged.51

Shrek and Donkey left early the following morning. “Shrek, where are we going?” Donkey asked.52

“To the volcanic mountain.”53

“Oh, are we there yet?”54

“No Donkey, and don’t start.”55

“Shrek, where is the mountain?”56

Shrek stopped in his tracks, turned around to face Donkey and showed him the ball gag. Donkey’s eyes popped open and he closed his mouth. 57

“Better, see old asses can learn new tricks!”58

“Shrek,”59

“Yes Donkey,”60

“What is in this bag coz its awfully heavy?”61

“Its my toy-bag Donkey, and no we can most definitely NOT leave it behind.”62

“What’s in it?”63

“Never mind Donkey.”64

“But I want to know.”65

”I said never mind, and you will head my orders Donkey, or else endure the gag the rest of the journey!”66

Donkey lowered his eyes and decided to keep quiet.67

After miles upon miles of walking in silence Shrek stopped abruptly. 68

Donkey walked into the back of Shrek’s legs. “Oops, sorry,” he snickered.69

Shrek glared at him, then diverted his attention to the volcanic river ahead of them. In the middle of the river was an enormous castle. In the dead centre of the castle was a tower, in the tip of the tower twinkled a light. “Aah, there she is,” Shrek commented.70

“There who is Shrek?”71

“Lord Fark-witt’s princess.”72

“How do you know she is in there?” Donkey asked.73

“Coz I'm the Ogre and I am always right! Besides I read it somewhere.” Looking at Donkey Shrek attached the leash and tugged, “come on Donkey lets get a move on, the sooner I get deliver the princess the sooner I get my swamp back.”74

“Your swamp? But we are in this together, so don’t you mean our swamp?”75

“No I don’t mean our swamp you stupid ass. The only reason I brought you along is so that you can carry my toy-bag!” Tugging the leash harder the half pulled, half dragged Donkey across the unstable wooden bridge. “You go this way and ill go that way, we will meet back here in an hour or so,” Shrek ordered Donkey. Donkey obliged and went where he was directed. Shrek made his way to the top of the tower, kicking and throwing whatever blocked him out of his way. He eventually reached the top of the tower and twisted the handle to the door, it did not budge. He took a few steps back and ran his shoulder into the heavy wooden door, it shattered open. 76

There upon the bed lay Princess Fed-on-her. Strutting up to the bed, he sat down gently next to her, then slapped her hard through her face. “Hey you princess, wake up we gotta get out of here.”77

“How dare you!” she began.78

“Yeah I get a lot of that for some reason, now get up and get a move on.”79

“I demand an apology!” she said stubbornly not moving a muscle.80

“Listen here sweetcakes, I don’t have time for temper tantrums, now get up or else.”81

“Or else what?” she insisted.82

Shrek marched up to her, picked her up, threw her over his shoulder and made his way down stairs. “Donkey,” he shouted through the castle.83

“In here Shrek.”84

“Where is here?”85

“In the dining hall,” Donkey replied.86

Shrek made his way to the dinning hall only to find Donkey suspended by the chandelier. “Donkey, this is no time to play, get down immediately we have to go.” 87

Donkey reluctantly looked backwards towards the rather large white dragon that had the chain attached to Donkey’s hooves. “Please Mistress Dragon, would you let me down?”88

The Dragon winked and let the chain go. Donkey fell to the ground with a huge THUMP, got up shook himself off and smiled at Shrek and Fed-on-her, 89

“so is this Lord Fark-witt’s princess?” he asked Shrek.90

“Yip, it is, and is she stroppy!”91

“I am not stroppy!” Fed-on-her protested.92

“See what I mean,” Shrek chuckled. Fed-on-her pirouetted, muttered something under her breath and walked towards the door. Shrek and Donkey followed. As they were about to exit the castle, the Dragon stepped in the way. 93

“Please Mistress, may we exit?” Donkey implored. The Dragon stepped aside, blew a smoke heart to Donkey and let them all pass.94

“Finally I have been rescued,” Princess Fed-on-her blurted out. “How far is it to your castle?” she asked looking directly at Shrek.95

“My castle?” Shrek was not sure what to say.96

“Yes, your castle. It is common knowledge that whoever rescues me gets to take me to their castle and marry me.”97

“Marry you?” Shrek backed away from Fed-on-her and would have succeeded in running away if he had not tripped over Donkey who was rolling on the floor laughing. 98

“Shrek and Fed-on-her married, Bwahahahahah.”99

Fed-on-her lowered her face and wiped a tear from her face, “yes that is the ledgend.”100

“Listen Princess,” Shrek began, “I only came to your rescue for Lord Fork-witt, he’s the one who wants to marry you.”101

“O-oh, ok,” she whispered.102

“Come on lets get a move on we have a long journey ahead of us.”103

Fed-on-her followed on behind Shrek and Donkey, “Um Shrek, could we stop for the night please?”104

“Um, no, we have far to go, stopping would make it longer.”105

“Um Shrek,” she said all sweetly. “I NEED TO STOP FOR THE NIGHT AND I NEED TO DO IT NOW!” every animal in the forest scampered away in fear of their lives. 106

Shrek and Donkey came to a very abrupt halt. “O-k-a-y,” Shrek said slowly, “since you put it like that, we’ll stop.”107

“P.M.S,” Donkey mouthed out the corner of him mouth to Shrek. Shrek nodded in agreement.108

The three of them started off early the following morning. They walked for miles and miles, eventually Shrek stopped and pointed towards the enormous castle in front of them. “There it is Princess Fed-on-her, not too much further to go.”109

“Pity,” the princess whispered.110

“What was that?” asked Shrek111

“Oh nothing.”112

“She said it was a pity,” Donkey interjected. 113

Shrek looked at the pretty princess, “Princess, how about we camp here for the night? And I take you to Lord Fark-witt in the morning?” 114

“That sounds wonderful,” Fed-on-her said smiling. She turned on her heel and began looking for something to make dinner with. 115

“Psst,” Donkey motioned to Shrek, “come here.” 116

“Since when do I come to you?” Shrek inquired. 117

Donkey strode over to Shrek, “so, what’s the deal with the two of you?” 118

“What do you mean?” 119

“Hey I’m the animal here and boy oh boy can I smell the pheromones . . .” 120

“You’re imagining it Donkey, besides she is way too pretty for me.” 121

“That’s where you are wrong Shrek,” Donkey looked around to make sure they were alone. “Last night when you were asleep, and she was in the cave hiding away from us, I managed to peek in. Just to make sure she was alright you see. And well, you see, she seems to have this horrid enchantment on her and she turns into a frightful ogre type person at night when the sun sets.” 122

Shrek perked, “really?” 123

“Yip, she is truly horrid to look at,” Donkey cocked his head and smiled from ear to ear. 124

“Oh Princess,” Shrek called out to Fed-on-her. 125

“Yes Shrek.” 126

“What is this I hear about you having an enchantment upon you?” 127

Fed-on-her blushed crimson red, looked down, and answered, “you see, when I was a little bitty baby, my mamma would rock me in the cradle, one day she dropped me on my head and the bitch fairy decided to take me away and look after me, she thought it was rather funny to put this enchantment on me. I have to kiss my true love, and once I do that I will become my true form.” 128

“Ah, ok, so you reckon Lord Fark-witt is your true love?” 129

“I hope so.” 130

“You don’t sound certain about that.” 131

“I’m not Shrek,” she looked up into his mismatched ogre eyes and battered her eyelids. 132

Shrek bend over her and placed his mouth over hers, kissing her long and133

hard. Suddenly there was a whirring sound around them. The princess’s body was bent backwards as if her backbone was about to snap, she started to scream in pain. Shrek dug his hand in his pocked and pulled out the ball-gag, contemplated shoving it into her mouth, but decided against it. Once Fed-on-her had finished screaming and spinning above them in mid air, she fell to the floor. Looking very much as she had before. 134

“And now? What just happened?” Shrek asked. 135

“You kissed me, you must be my true love.” 136

“Yeah and?” 137

“And this is how I will be for the rest of my life. Thank you Shrek.” Fed-on-her ran into Shrek’s arms and kissed him passionately. 138

Shrek felt the stirrings of an orgre hard on. “Scram Donkey, leave us alone,” he ordered Donkey. Donkey obeyed. 139

Shrek threw Fed-on-her on the grass and ripped her clothing off. “OOooooh, you got a corset on, now that alone could make me blow my load,” he chuckled. Fed-on-her sat up and pulled at Shrek’s trousers, as soon as they were lowered enough she took his enormous ogre cock into her mouth and began to suck it, teasing and tantalizing it with her tongue. Shrek pulled out her mouth, reached over to his bag and pulled out an inflatable hood with built in inflatable gag (with a breathing pipe of course ). Put this on, Fed-on-her complied. Shrek turned the princess onto all fours and took her from behind hard and furiously. Once they had both cum repeatedly and were exhausted Shrek took the hood off her and let her lay in his arms. 140

“Shrek,” 141

“Yes Fed-on-her?” 142

“I don’t want to go to Lord Fark-witt.” 143

“So don’t.” 144

Fed-on-her beamed at his reply, “do you mean that? Can I come live with you?” 145

Shrek sat up, “just coz I boned you don’t mean I owe you anything!” 146

“Oh I know that Shrek, its just, well I like what you did to me, and I especially liked the hood,” she lowered her eyes and blushed. 147

Shrek was overwhelmed, “in that case . . . Of course you can come stay with me, you will be my slave and refer to me as Master.” 148

“Naturally Master, I will do anything you ask me to do Master.” 149

“We do still have the issue of Lord Fark-witt and those damned creatures in my swamp,” he thought out loud. “Never fear, leave it to me. Lets sleep now.” 150

The following morning Shrek woke up early, found Donkey and the two of them made their way to the castle. Shrek and Donkey sneaked into the castle grounds, all the soldiers were asleep so they made their way up to the royal bedroom. Shrek picked up one of the pillows and smothered him, killing him instantly. 151

“Go fetch Fed-on-her and bring her here to me, seeing that this idiot filled my swamp with those horrid creatures, I’m taking over his castle.” 152

Donkey ran through the castle as the bewildered guards and soldiers watched him, “Lord Fark-witt is dead, long live SHREK.” 153

“Long Live Shrek?!?” they said in confusion. “Who the fuck is Shrek?” 154

“I am Shrek, Lord of this establishment, if anyone here has an issue with that, they have 2 choices. First: they can get the hell out of here, and Second: if they don’t like that I will grind their bones to make my bread! AND, furthermore, Princess Fed-on-her will be joining me to live here.” 155

The soldiers scattered and ran in all directions, some stayed behind and vowed their loyalty to Shrek and Fed-on-her. 156

Donkey and Fed-on-her returned to the castle a while later. 157

“What about the creatures in the swamp?” she asked. 158

“They can stay there, I got you babe. We got a castle and a pet Donkey, what else do we need?” 159

“A dungeon?” she blushed. 160

“There is one downstairs, below the kitchen,” he grabbed Fed-on-her’s hand, and lead her to the dungeon. Once there he tied her to the rack, stripped her already torn clothing off, “you don’t need clothing around here.” Taking the hood of the rack he put it on her and once again made love to her.161

the end162