courage

She took another swig from the bottle. She wasn't sure if it was the taste of the cuervo, or her own bitter tears that made her choke as she was swallowing. She took another hit to be sure. As she did her hand groped for the track. She was trying to feel for the vibration of the train. She hoped it would come soon. 1

"Just get it over with." She thought. She couldn't wait for that express to heaven. It'll be over in an instant. The physical pain didn't trouble her. It was the thought of the continuing mental anguish that really had her terrified.2

" I can't do it."; She thought." Not anymore. I'm only 15, Lord, why do I have to deal with this? Please, I just want it all to go away, just make it go away." She knew suicide was against God's law, but she felt, in this case He would make an exception. If He didn't, how much worse could hell be anyway?3

This was the third time in 5 months she had to call the cops on her father. When her brother told her of his failing notices she knew in her bones the "wrath of dad" was coming. Oh, he'd be calm about it at first. Give her brother a stern, hard lecture and ground him for a few weeks. Then he'd go to the bar. 4

She could picture it now. Him laughing and joking with his buds. Then as the shots and beers accumulated he'd turn dark and broody. Finally he'd get so nasty, someone would bring him home. Sometimes there would be a fight. While tending to cut knuckles and black eyes he'd tell her what a good girl she was. " You'll make some man a good wife one day, mouse."; He'd slur. 'Yep, trained you well I sure did! Loose the baby fat and grow some tits on ya and you might even be goodlooking! " Yeah, just what she wanted, another man to take care of ! " C'mon mouse smile for your dad. You can be right pretty when you smile." She'd smile for him then and pretend she was happy. If she didn't she knew he'd turn dark and broody again. More likely than not he'd slap her for being insolent. Yup, and those were the good nights! 5

The bad ones were when they'd bring him home before he got most of the violence out. He'd bitch while they were bringing him in, and then start cursing at them. " Get the hell outta my home! I can get in my own damn door without your help! You're all a buncha assholes anyway." He'd slam the door shut in their faces and then start screaming for her. Then He'd explode on her and her brother.6

Why didn't his friends realize this? Why couldn't they just keep him until he passed out? Oh, they'd apologize to her. Make some sympathetic noises, but none of them wanted to deal with the problem. Besides it was family business. That made her giggle into the bottle, family business. What a joke! That dream of being a loving family had died a slow painfilled death a while ago. Why she kept trying to hold them together she didn't know.7

She took another pull from the bottle. Choking again as a laugh/sob escaped from her. Lord, she was tired! Sometimes she thought she was born tired. Tired of all the taunts and teasings. The sly comments made as she passed them in the hallways at school. Talk of trailer trash, her father's wife and so on. Right, here she was "pure as driven snow" too ashamed and afraid even, to look at a boy, let alone sleep with one. Besides, her father wouldn't lay a hand on her that way, he was proud of his "little virgin mouse".8

She took another swig, relishing in the burn as it went down. Made her choke again though. She wasn't used to drinking but figured she could use the false courage liquor gives. "Please let it come soon, please. I can't take it anymore. You saw them. God I hope they take him away for good this time. I can't take going into another home God, so I'm getting out."9

She looked at the bottle. " Almost ¾ empty, I'm doing good." She thought. "If I put my head down maybe I'll fall asleep and I won't even feel the train. I'll just wake up in heaven! That would be excellent! " She tried to make a comfortable pillow out of the track. She bent her knees and used the other rail as a footrest.10

"Not too bad. A little hard but hey! It'll do. Goodbye cruel world!" She giggled at herself and then started to cry.11

" Now that looks like a really uncomfortable bed young lady." A voice behind her said. "Don't you think your own bed would be a bit more pleasant, not to mention safe." She nearly jumped a foot in the air. She dropped the bottle on the ground and watched the amber liquid seep into the dirt. " Oh shit, she thought there goes my anesthetic." She turned around then, trying to control the wave of dizziness and nausea that assaulted her, suddenly ashamed to be caught drunk, out on the tracks.12

"Go away, it's none of your business where I sleep." She slurred. She couldn't believe she just said that. The alcohol was definitely doing its job. Normally she tried not to talk to people, let alone be nasty. She immediately felt guilty."13

The man studied her face for a moment. "That bad is it?" He asked. He had just the right amount of compassion in his voice, if she even sensed pity, it would have made her angry. She just nodded her head. The motion sending another wave of vertigo, making the tracks blur." Well now, why don't you tell me about it. Being as you seem determined to leave your body parts all about my backyard I might as well know the reason why." He gave a slight grin as he said this. Surprising her. It surprised her even more when she grinned back. 14

" I must really be drunk." she thought as her mouth seemed to open without her telling it to. Words and tears tumbling out and down like a waterfall. During this cascade of despair and frustration she never noticed the man taking her arm and leading her away from the tracks. It wasn't until she stumbled up the path leading away from the station that she realized what he had done. Oddly though, she didn't want to go back. ";Hey mister do you mind if we just sit here awhile?" she shyly questioned. " Not at all young lady. Seems your safe enough now." He answered. 15

";Why do you care what happens to one more piece of trash? Weren't you listening to me?" She spat at him bitterly. She immediately felt ashamed. He let her pour her heart and troubles out to him and this was his thanks!" Nice going idiot." She thought.16

" Well, I don't happen to believe your trash. Your family, maybe, but not you. I happen to think you're a pretty brave and courageous young girl. If you're brave enough to stare down a train, then I think your brave enough to live one more day. Someday you'll be old enough to make your own life, live it the way you feel it should be. I'm willing to bet, if you get through this, the life you make for yourself will be a whole lot better, but you have to believe in it. Hope in it. Trust yourself that you're ok. Life has got its ups and downs, when you've reached rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up.?"17

"Mister, you're starting to sound like a preacher."She said. Her eyes suddenly too heavy to keep open. "Thanks for saying I'm brave, I'm not. Just trying to survive." When she realized what she just said her eyes flew open. 18

Then she felt it. The vibration on the tracks signaling the coming of the highspeed line. Her newfound companion turned and looked at her. He lifted an eyebrow as if to say "well?" She just shook her head. " Nope." Was all she said.19

He took her arm and drew her to her feet. " Well then, if you tell me where you live I'll take you home." She gave him her address. It was only a few blocks away. They walked in silence, each seemingly lost in the significance of what had just happened. When they got to her apartment building, She gave him her hand. "Thank you." She whispered. " I hope I'm brave enough."20

He looked at her then. "I believe you are, just have faith." With that he turned and walked away. His footsteps tapping on the concrete. " Hey Mister, what's your name? And have faith in what?" She called out. The only thing that answered was the soft sighing of the wind.21