When I was a little girl, people would tell me horror stories about what drugs do to a person. I listened closely, soaking up every word that was said. I was young, my mind easily manipulated, which made it easy for people to convince me that drugs were dangerous.1
Of course, once I entered junior high, that all changed.2
People around me were experimenting. So, just like any "normal" kid my age, I began experimenting too. And it felt wonderful. The spastic energy of uppers, the floaty relaxation of downers . . . everything felt different when I was high. It was all so exciting. Soon, experimentation morphed into more hardcore drug use. In eighth grade, I snorted my first line of cocaine. It gave me a rush I had NEVER felt before in my entire life. I was exhilarated - my sensitivity to touch was heightened, my emotions ran haywire, my heart pounded harder and harder. But almost as soon as it came, it was gone. I quickly progressed from occasional user to full-blown addict, and I didn't care one bit.3
The beginning of this year - freshman year - was extremely difficult for me. My dealer moved away, leaving me without access to the coke that I craved so horribly. I had few friends. I was unsure of how to act around these new people. But it wasn't long before I found myself in a crowd. And this crowd introduced me to some people who reacquainted me with some old familiar highs. It wasn't long before I hooked back up with David. Now, David was an old friend. He wasn't my dealer, but he would always give me random drugs here and there. I considered him a friend, someone I could trust.4
David was not shy at all. He had no problem asking for what he wanted. But whenever you had to give, you always got something in return. I began trading sexual favors for cocaine. Then I got turned on to an even more amazing high . . . heroin. I never imagined I could stick a needle in between my toes (I hate needles), but it was surprisingly easy. And the feeling that followed was worth the discomfort. It did not take long for me to get hooked. I was a junkie.5
In November, a few really good friends urged me to stop destroying my body. I took their advice, which led to me giving up drugs. It got extremely difficult at times. In fact, later that month, I went to David begging for some coke. Despite my insistence on remaining a virgin, I reluctantly agreed to have sex with him to pay for the cocaine. 6
I never used the cocaine. My virginity was wasted for nothing.7
I stayed clean. Then, during Winter Vacation from school, I began throwing up every morning. I had also missed a period. I took a pregnancy test and discovered that my one night with David had resulted in pregnancy. I called him . . . he told me he wanted no part in it, that this child didn't matter to him and he would not help raise it. Not like it mattered much. I miscarried the next week.8
I kept clean until February 2nd, 2006. I had witnessed an act of horrible violence that night, and decided the best way to escape was to snort the cocaine I had "bought" so long ago. It felt wonderful. I tried to control myself, but it did not take long to escalate back into addiction. I fucked David countless times for short highs. I almost contracted HIV. I overdosed. I withdrew. But I didn't care.9
Until one night.10
I went to David's house looking to score. He was there with his friends Shawn and Anthony, hunching over a cocaine tray. When I walked in, he motioned for me to come join him. I snorted 2 lines . . . enough to suffice for a bit. Enough to keep me from fighting. 11
Anthony and Shawn took turns, each raping me violently. This continued for at least an hour and a half, until David forced them off me and sent me home.12
Drugs blocked this night out of my memory. But now, even when I am extremely stoned, I can feel their hands all over my body. I can see their faces - Shawn's piercing blue eyes, Anthony's muddy brown ones. I can't escape it anymore . . . and I just don't know what to do.13
Author notes
Sabrina, if you read this, this is what I have been running from. I haven't told anyone before this . . . I hope this helps me accept it.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I'm speechless
This made me very sad. It just reminds me of how so many people have to go through with stuff like this, and sometimes even worse. I really am very sorry for you and i hope you are doing better. -
Reminds me of how things used to be for me as well
I give you a lot of credit for writing this like you have no idea. i had a rather shady side myself. I had just finished posting something on SW and went in search of something to read.
I hope you're doing better now. I hope things are good now. I am also adding you to my favorites, that is If you don't mind.
-SiN -
The truth is powerful and for u to write this u got ballz! We had a wonderful conversation last night and i sit in class right now wishing i could talk to you even if its for a couple of minutes..Words in this story got me remembering what was said last night and its like wow! *speechless* Hope to talk to you soon!
Love your new friend Cynthia
P.s. I added you on my favorites!
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wow, and your only what 14?
thats so awful, i hope that you talking about it has helped you come to terms with everything that has happened to you.
i hope that you are clean,
but if you arent thats cool too.
i've never miscarried but i do know what it feels like to lose a baby and it sucks and a part of you and your innocents dies with them.
if you ever wanna talk im here. -
I did drugs as you well know. I fucked up myself to where I too, did not care about the world. I wanted the fix, and the sex was there. Now, as you also know, I was raped. The first time had nothing to do with drugs. It was just his way to rape me, so he did. An innocent little child. But later, when I got older, and when I was on drugs, I was raped again and again.
I hoped that people around me wouldn't have to go through what I did, but you know now. You see what it does to you, and you're beginning to understand. I'm not saying it will be easy, and I'm not saying you'll be able to do it without help, but don't you think that you need to feel something other than a drugg enduced happines, even if it is pain?
I'm here for you.
-eryn -
*reminds me of me in 9th grade
it's not about runnig now, and it can't be. honestly, i know exactly what you are going through. i know it's hard, but you can get clean if you want to, although it won't be easy. it sucks, it's hard, it's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but it's well worth, it gives you a chance at life, and if you're at all like what i was at your age, you need a new life. you can always talk to me if you need to, i'm here, and i'm listening. -
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I can see why you've been running from it. No one should have to go through that. But I'm glad you told me. I don't think that there is anything that I can do, but I am here for you. And acknowledging it, dealing with it, and finding a way to overcome it are totally different things than accepting it. It's going to mess with you for a while, and you're going to have to stop running and confront it. I know that's really difficult, and it may not seem possible, but it is. You've done hard things before, and you can do this. I'm really sorry that this happened to you, you didn't deserve it, I know that you went there for drugs, but you still weren't looking for that. This is sort of what drugs do to you. They get to control you, where you will do just about anything to get them. And it almost isn't your choice. It is, but you get what I'm saying. I'm not really sure what to say,except that I'm here if you want to talk. I've been through something like this before, and I can listen if you just want to talk. I know this is hard, but you're going to have to stop running. And I think this is the first step. Good luck girl, it's going to be hard, but you can do it.
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