pissing in the wind 7,8

1

There was an old bar named Abignales on Sherwood and King Arthur Street and behind that, a parking lot. In an alley between the lot and some dark office building lay a staicase going down. A door led to below the lot. We shuffled down the four dirt steps and opened the steel reinforced door. We entered MaryJanes.2

Instantlly, the smell of Lavender smaked me in the nose. After a long night of people dancing all you could smell was Patuly and ass” as James put it. The bar was divided into two sections the closest to the door was a setup a shabby tables and two beat looking pool tables, always occupied by the same eight people. No matter what time of day it was at least two of those eight were always there. Their intense eyes always veered around the room even as their owners leaned over to take a shot. Haunting, beady junkie eyes looked up at me as they did every time I walked in the door, sizing me up, I imagined their vision like the Terminator they’d focus on me and data would pop up onto the screen. “Joel, age 20. Male one hundred-eighty pounds. No imminent threat. The eyes always looked down again after I made my entrance and allowed them to analyze it. One eye always remained focused on me, and everyone else. Weary. They were always sullen looking, they didn’t talk much not even to each other, a few wore suites and ties, some t-shirts and jeans and one always wore a ratty sarong tied around his waist and always, always had a different dead shirt. He’s the only one who ever spoke to me. Tommy was his name. The one he’d givin me anyway. But I’d heard him called Joe and Frank sometimes Will. He even answered to Georgio. I’ll bet his buddies didn’t even know his real name. I nodded to him as I walked by, he gave me a respond nod, satisfied we both turned away and continued our preferred mission. The bar was beyond the tabled area. Just a regular bar, short, squat and squared off. What I really loved about it though was all the bumper stickers that covered the outside. Thousands, from normal quotes to obscene nonsense like “Llamas Make Great Lovers!!” That one was my favorite. Some nights I just walked around the bar reading the stickers that I could never get tired of.3

Tapestries hung everywhere and posters covered the walls. A message board lay in the corner made for travelers to post numbers and addresses. That’s where I went first, people wrote all sorts of things asking for roommates or rideshares. I read it almost every night. Charlie went right to the bar and ordered a drink. After I found only a couple of new messages I slunk over to the far side of the room. Couches lined the walls and EZ chairs all faced a big clearing of floor and a stage where some of the best jams have proven the existence and, complete absence of God. It depends on the night you go, I guess. An insanely funky jazz sextuplet was giving birth to the cool tonight. They played Miles with such vigor that sweat poured off of all of them. Down their faces and streaking down their legs. I let it envelop me. Take over completely, slowly bobbing my head to the stand up and soon, completely possessed by six daemons I joined the fray of leaping and grooving individuals in the clearing. I was sucked into the void. Not until the music ended and the crowd broke up was their spell over me broken. 4

“That was money, Fuckin’ Money.” I muttered to myself. 5

“Yeah that was pretty tight alright.” A voice spoke up, I glanced over to see this tall slender dready girl walking beside me to the bar. “I can’t believed you danced like that for a full hour. Wild.”6

I laughed and looked at her. Sweat stung my eyes. She was stunning, about six foot. Black even grown dreadlocks hung down to her lower back. She was wearing this tie dye little halter top with a dancing bear on the front like a “polo” slogan. And a dark purple sarong that hung loosely around her ankles. She eyed my ripped jeans and dirty T-shirt cooly. “Your essence was flying all over the place, you must leave a lot of energy here when you come.” 7

“:Maybe that’s why I’m so beat when I leave.” I joked I could see Charlie slapping his knees and almost choking on his beer. “Hey meet my friend Charlie, Charlie this is…..”8

“Clover. I’ve met her. How’ve you been? We don’t see much of you around here anymore.” They gave one another a tight embrace. “I’m Joel,” I piped up. “And this is James.”  James kinda drunk by now gave her a sidelong glance said hey and turned back to his scotch. Then Slowly turned his head back to her and grinned. “Heeey, how are you, good to meet you. Say wasn’t that band something? Miles Davis wasn’t it.” Charlie snorted into his beer and turned towards us. “Buy you a drink?” 9

She looked at him and then back at me. “What kind of beers do they have?” 10

“Doesn’t matter, Joel here won’t allow anyone in here to drink anything but Longtrail if he’s buying.” 11

“It’s the Vermont thing huh? I laughed. And  said “Yeah it never really leaves you.” I ordered her a trail and myself a gingerale. Charlie being Charlie and kind of a dick at the same time grinned slyly and asked “So, come here often?”  He always tested women. “To see if they were worthy .” As far as I was concerned they were all worthy but Charlie hadn’t found one.  For me anyway. And though I hadn’t slept with any of them I was kind of glad he helped me out. I’m way to scared to sleep with random women anymore. Since I met Vanessa anyway. James describes it as guilt but I think it’s more like boredom of playing that game. She looked at me struggling not to laugh and said, “Only to pick up strays.” I laughed so hard I spilt my drink and Charlie choked on his pipe so hard the cherry flew out onto the floor. I quickly stomped it out and lit my own cigarette. She was a damn good companion in my book from the getgo but now we’d had Charlie’s blessing.  The band came on and it was time for a drink. My first one, in a long while. Being an alchy isn’t something I’m proud of. Something about the company and something about the music made me order a gin and tonic I got it plus a few raised eyebrows as well. 12

The band funked out originals so incredible that Joshua, the stand up Bassist grooved so hard he broke a string. But he was back and running in no time. It was as though he was naked up there just enshrouded in his baby blue arau. The sounds coming out of Michael’s mouth were filled with such hollow loneliness and sorrow that I just stood in awe for a moment, until the music took over. I wasn’t the only one, a friend of mine Carol who just walked in stood with her mouth open. I grinned and gave her a hug. The bar was a mad house, everyone was whooping and spinning and jumping and dancing. Even the pool guys laid their cues down and grooved their heads a bit.13

Outside fog had settled, hovering just above the ground and below the neck. I had never seen anything like it and was mystified. “Man,” whispered Clover “We need an organ.” Damn this girl was sharp. 14

Charlie gave a shudder, “And some Vampires.” James was gone, dissipated into the crowd and we went out to look for him in the parking lot. I was getting grungy and needed my medicine so I figured James would too. I needed to go back home. We all heard it at the same time, and looked into the darkness. Someone was retching out their very soul and a hunch told me it was James. So we walked further into the parking lot. Charlie picked up a pair of jeans laying limply on the pavement. Next to a blue dodge with someone hanging out the window. There he was, head out a car window spilling his scotch all over the side of a dodge. Charlie walked up and opened the door. Out came his body half his torso was still in the window and he just flopped. Dragged on the ground. A blue tank top clutched in his hand. I wish I had a camera, James would have loved to see this in the morning.15

“Um…Is this your friend?” Asked a voice. Because if it is can I have my top back.?” Clover started to giggle, soon Charlie joined in. I tried to give them a dirty look but failed miserably. Two girls sat in the back seat. The one who spoke was trying to cover up her breasts with her arms and the other just stared with wide eyes not realizing her pants were ten feet from the car. Charlie tossed them their clothes and we gathered up James. As soon as he got to his feet a new wave of vomiting washed over him and it brought him to his knees. 16

“I’m feelin much better now.” He said looking at me through a grin of spit and puke. “Please sir may I have another?”   I laughed and slapped him on the back which made a whole new wave splash on the pavement. And a little on my shoes I might add. He staggered to his feet and glanced at Charlie then at Clover, “Oh no, man I din’t sleep with you did I?”  Then at me. “I’m sorry man.” I laughed and looked at Clover totally embarrassed. But she was more concerned about James. Charlie pulled him to his feet again and he shook himself awake. “Alright let’s go.” He looked back at the girls in the car. “I’ll call you.” Then he walked off into the dark, laughter echoing off the walls. I chuckled and hurried after him. We walked back to the house slowly shuffling and stopping randomly to let James puke on walls and in garbage cans. Charlie kept muttering about alcohol poisoning and Clover was worried about him falling. I just laughed a lot.17

The party was still  in full swing, people lay in the grass and sat on the porch railing. Most people smiled and waved at us when we walked in. I took my shoes off and snuck everyone into the study. James fell asleep almost immediately. I guess he wasn’t as sick as I thought. When I walked back into the party I was ready to go. I slowly wandered around, eyeing the room and found myself pulled into a conversation about Kafka. It got so boring I excused myself by saying I was going to kill myself with a toaster in the tub I left the shocked expressions behind and walked on. A group of women sat on the floor discussing Pikerly and Johnney Mountain. I had to grin. Johnny and Tim would go berserk if I told them that people were sitting around at parties drinking wine and discussing their poetry. People afraid to age, people in need of a scene that’s so hip no one else knows about it. Then they act shocked when you ask them. Tim’s poetry is amazing and he writes as if he can’t stop. Words just flow out of him. Johnny writes as if the words inside were ripping him apart. Everyone’s got their own styles. I guess.18

“In his poem “TREE” I really felt the connection with his childlike fantasies. Playing King Arthur and having a crush on a girl while sitting in a tree with her.” Said one. “He always combines innocence of children with trees. I think that’s so amazing.” I laughed and they all turned to me. I couldn’t help it. This conversation had to be stopped. For the souls of poets everywhere. “I’m sorry are you guys talking about “Tree” by Tim Pikerly??”  19

“Well yeah sug, in fact we are do you know it?” Um….yes I was there when he wrote it, on an old frisbee.” I looked at the group’s distrust in my story. “Well honey why not tell us about it?” stated this one woman, she was about Charlie’s age and probably would never go to a real poetry slam in her life. Just organized by coalitions and poetry.com or something. This was the woman who went to PTA meetings and started poetry clubs in high schools. She was stuck in colledge English class, same old bullshit. It was pathetic but I knew Tim would appreciate what I was about to say. So I chose my words carefully. Trying to be as offensive as possible. “Well” I started, “I was about 18 and were sword fighting with sticks when I shouted out that I was King Arthur fighting for the sake of all that was good. He in return shouted that he was Lancelot fighting for the right to fuck fifteen year old virgins. We got kind of drunk and played some disc golf and by the time we got to hole fifteen he brought this cute little blond girl who was following him around for the past three days up a tree and had sex with her. In fact he was pissed  because she lost her virginity to a friend of mine a week earlier. That’s where the line “Just after harvest” comes from. It’s not a poem of innocence and the beauty of childhood. It’s about fucking a pre-teen slut after all your friends have fucked her. Then getting her drunk and fucking her in front of your friends while they laugh.” I emphasized the word Fuck as often as possible. Shock value was childish I know but I thought it was the right thing to do. They sat silent in front of me obviously embarrassed. “Oh yeah,” I turned back to say, “He was 24 and she was far from innocent, the things she moaned….Jesus.”20

I hate when poets write about metaphors that represent nothing but emotional garbage. And I can’t stand when people presume your deep just because your writing of sunshine floating lazily through windows. Anyone can do that. It’s fun writing about emotional garbarge, but that shouldn’t be the point, it’s about how you string the words together. People can’t grasp that words are words no matter how you connect them together. There’s no depth in poetry. It’s a shallow cold lonely profession and anyone who chases it will lead a life of poverty, loneliness and self-loathing. I didn’t think that then, but now….21

I wandered around the room some more. A group of about thirteen were standing around with  whisky sours and beat looking suites. This looks promising I assured myself as I walked over. Everyone was nodding at something some guy was going on about. Everyone but two, they looked severely pissed off. When they saw me approach the looked down ashamed of themselves, faces growing scarlet. “Man fuck these soldiers in Iraq they should just go AWOL what they’re doing is wrong. Fuckin murderers.” I grinned at his back and they two guys looked up startled. “Yeah I said fuck soldiers man, it’s not like they’re getting paid for havin’ beliefs or anything.” The guy turned to me he was about thirty. Five foot 6 or so. Defenantly shorter than me anyway. His eyes became hearty at once. “Yeah you know what I’m talking about. I mean how can a person be killing all these people and think it’s the right thing to do All this Jihad thing is just a ploy by the media getting America’s back. It’s not like America will admit that it’s wrong though.” Yeah,” I stared at him feeling anger bubble up. I was ready to kill this guy and just shook my head instead. “yeah, those soldiers deserve to die, I mean they signed up for it. Am I right?”      His smile became huge. “Exactly, violence can’t help anything it just spurs violence.”  22

One of the guys finally looked up with anger in his eyes. ”Yeah Tom, so what would you do if I just…..?” There wasn’t even a chance to finish it. The other guy just took a fist and swung it roundhouse style into Toms face. He fell back into my arms and I stepped aside letting his whiskey sour splash all over me. The group stood there befuddled and quiet. I laughed so hard my juice splashed all over my pants. “Did you learn that in bootcamp?” I asked. “No but I learned this.” The guy jumped on Tom and flipped him over and shoved his arm up towards his neck. Then stood up with a handfull of hair, bringing Tom’s arm with him and gave him an option of leaving with or without his arm. The group was silent except my incessant giggling. I tried to cover my mouth but everything came pouring out anyway. As Tom stumbled out the door somone gave him a kick and muttered. ‘You evil little bastard.” That got us all laughing. The big guy turned to me and just stared at me. “Was that your goal or something?”  I looked down at the ground kind of ashamed of myself and muttered a small  “Yeah.”  He put his arms around me and hugged me tight. “I don’t think I would have done that to him unless he just kept going. I’ve been ignoring him for years.”23

We walked to the bar and I slapped him on the back handing him a beer. A honey brown. “Some party huh?”  I just stared at him and my disdain must have clearly shone through because he just laughed. “Yeah, some party, Man you shoulda been here six months ago, everyone knew one another and you couldn’t walk through a room without recognizing at least five or ten people you can call good friends. Now you have to look for a intelligence, they hide. Too many people looking to get drunk.”  Yeah” I said  “I’m always a second behind. Every society I stumble across happens to be on it’s demise.” 24

“Oh?” His eyebrows raised “On the search for IT I take it. Try Eugene Oregon or Burlington Vermont.” Yeah I muttered Burlington’s on the decline but I think anchorage is where it’s at maybe Pheonix. But I’ve heard some bad things about Eugene.” Good luck man.” He said and walked off. I laughed and waved him off. Then continued to wander around. 25

Finally a familiar face, there stood Val leaning against a doorway laughing at something some guy was saying. He was standing with his hand pressed against the wall above her head. Drink in his other hand. “What is this?” I wondered “Highschool?” She glanced up at me and waved me over.26

“Heeey” She said giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “This is Eric, we were just discussing how people can do anything they set there minds on.” I laughed and said “Do you think the raindance brings rain, or do you dance until it rains?” She laughed so hard she had to brace herself against Eric’s chest. He responded with a look of confusion. She took him by the hand and slinked out of the room. Her beautiful body wove through the crowd and she wiggled her fingers in a wave over her shoulder and smirked. It was evil. I chuckled, Val was a predator when it came to the opposite sex. She finds the dumbest sorriest soul and fucks his brains out. He’s got be good looking however. She and Janet have a pool going but I think James has got the lead on everyone. Val was up to seven and Janet had about four so far. James had about sixteen. They weren’t allowed to discuss it with each other. I was the impartial judge. Janet had a real problem with standards. And she was gay, sort of,  so it came by a little harder. James, well James didn’t have standards at all. I was rooting for Janet personally. I wanted them all to stop this game so I could sleep with Val and not be a number but oh well.27

I noticed Clover from across the room and even though she was nodding off and sitting down, her radiance still stood out. I beelined to her and sat down next to her.28

“Bored much?” she asked.29

“Getting better every second.” I smiled 30

“Is that a line?” I laughed but I was seriously shocked. “You’ll know when I use a line.” Oh yeah?” she asked “Why’s that?”  “Well, I spoke kind of slow, grinning. Juvenile I know but it was fun. Flirting always fun, it’s when things start to look seriouse is when I get nervouse. Then I acually have to act on my words. “Well, ahem when you hear it you won’t be paying attention. Because you see you’ll ahem be naked rolling around with me. She laughed throwing her head back. She stumbled away in a dopey daze. A hand slapped me on the shoulder. James had woken up. Apparently he remembered nothing. 31

“Who was that, and why does she look like a predetermined daterape victim?” “That good sir, was Clover.” James looked at me and grabbed my face then kissed me. A big slobbery kiss.  “A dark haired dready girl in a flowery skirt? He raised his eyebrows and grinned, “How would you feel if I slept with her? I knew he was jerking me  around but I fell for it anyway. “She’s not your type.” I said bitterly 32

“I bet you I get a point first tonight.” He said only it came out “Ibetchoo igitapoind fis toight.” 33

“James that’s so cheesy they make movies about this plot. Bad ones. So, you’re on. Ten bucks says you don’t get laid at all tonight.” He laughed and walked away. Clover ended up sleeping with Janet and I gave her the point happily. So all ended well.34

The defiant son on the road again.35

Charlie was still in his study when I knocked on his door. “Come in. Come in.” he yelled through the oak.36

He was slumped in his chair head tilted back and his feet up on another chair, he was facing the side, looking out the window. Through it you could just make out the mountains floating in blackness leering over our reflections.37

“I, ahem think I’m going to leave in the morning.” I stammered and I just wanted to say thank you, we’ll help clean up and probably leave before noon.”38

He gave me an evil grin and the lump in my throat grew from a grape to a golfball. It was a knowing grin that said: “Fuck kid go. I don’t blame you.” But it quickly faded and his eyes became soft again. I felt a little better, those glimmering sapphires were making me nervous.39

To my surprise, he sighed and stood leaning on his knuckles and his head hung sorrowfully over his desk. He looked defeated, like a man who never quite got what he wanted and still had to give his torch away. “You’ll never find what your looking for you know. You’ll never be happy.” I stared, at a complete loss for words. I am never comfortable in these situations, but his gaze held me and my legs stopped shifting and I spoke in my head with dignity but the words came out shaking and dripping with hatred.40

“And what do you expect me to do? Sit at home and throw parties hopping to find happiness in an audience that gets more ignorant by the day?”41

What should I do? Go to parties, find them in basements or under bridges? What else? Go to shows? They’re dead, expired. No one goes to share love anymore, everyone’s got their own agenda. What are you going to do? Find the one or two at every show and organize them? Start a revolution of good intelligent poets? Bring the age of community into the age of deceit and suspicion? Get real that’s so cheesy and pathetic, your hanging onto something you never even experienced. Your lying to yourself if you think you can find a basis for an intellectual society. It’s over, even I know that. This gathering is the last party I’m ever going to have. I just threw it to show you what everyone good turned into. And how hard it is to find an intelligent conversation.”42

“Maybe it is, but what can I do sit in a room shooting dope until I die? I can’t do that. Maybe I won’t find what I’m looking for but I’ll have a good time finding it.”43

“Oh sure it’s all in the journey listen to that romanticized Karouac crap. It’s bullshit and you know it. There will be no revolution.”44

“I’m not looking for a revolution.” I hissed through my teeth. “Who is a happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?” “Oh sure quote Thompson, he also said any argument can be solved with violence. Don’t throw quotes at me about life. I have lived, you can’t empty an ocean with a child’s sand bucket.”45

“You don’t seem understand,” my voice was raising now “that I don’t want to change anything. I just want to find something. We were both shouting now, “And you don’t understand that your too late.”46

“Don’t speak to me as if I were some defiant son Charlie, I’m not trying to make a statement.”47

But you are making one. Don’t you see that? And it’s a bullshit one, it can’t even stand on it’s own two legs.”48

“Thanks Charlie, for everything, I mean it. You’re a good man and your wife is one of the sweetest women I’ve ever known.” I turned and walked to the door. “keep in touch,” he muttered sarcastically. I spun around in a new found rage and in a fury I spit on the floor. “I will Charlie, you’ll get all my emails and my letters for the rest of your  fuckin life and you’ll be in the middle of it all whether you like it or not.”49

He shot me a grin then reached into his desk and pulled out a jar. Tossing it to me he said “For the trip. And because I can’t be a junky for the rest of my life. I’ll miss you and I really wish you’d stay.” 50

“I wish I could.” I rattled the jar. “but I’ve got something to find.”51

“Seeya.”52

“Yeah,” I echoed hollowly. “Seeya.” When I closed the heavy doors I could hear him sink back into his chair and curse loudly. I turned my back to his study and let the salty tears run down my face.53

I heard James and Val calling my name and wandered towards them. One look at my face and James said “I guess it’s time to go, this party is lame anyway, let’s go to the van. Hey Valerie, get everyone together will you?”  “Yeah, and I’ll tell Beth bye for you guys.”   We walked to the van in silence and I climbed into the back but realized I’d have to drive because everyone was a little smashed. When I shifted to the front seat I could see John being led by an even more stumbling Janet. Then they were both holding onto Val for support. When they climbed in John moaned and fell asleep promptly on the floor, I gave Val a curious look. “Well I heard some girl talking about how the guy she was bangin’ fell asleep on her, and well, I had a hunch. Are you okay?” I laughed and wiped my nose on my sleeve, “I will be once we leave this evil place.”54

“I think, murmured John, “I think…..” he then promptly emptied his stomachs content out the window and all over the van’s side. He looked up, he wiped his mouth and grinned, “I think we’d have to leave Utah in general to get away from this evil place. I laughed harder this time and, like, the sun rising my soul brightened up a little with each second. We were off, in a silence except for drunken Janet who kept slowly rumbling out of tune. “On the road again, can’t wait to get on the road again……”55