Close My Eyes

.prologue.

The beating of my heart. The tapping of my pencil. The way I paint my nails. The brand of water I drink. The color of crayons I like. The way I do my hair. The clothes I wear.

It's all.... C H A N G E D .....now.

i used to like hard music, but now I choose to numb myself with monotone rhythms. Typically, boys that have guitars whining about something.. with voices that sound just like mine. Unpoetically incapable to get out. I choose to sit inside the walls of a black and white existence with an unforgiving nature. I can't even entertain myself anymore. I used to think about something outrageously stupid and get thrilled, but he's taken that away from me too.

He had a smile on his face when he walked away too. That was what killed me, ya know? It was like it was all perfectly planned. All he needed was the gun to blow away all the evidence anyone had been damaged from everything he did. He just left me sitting there in the grass. He drove away quick, and never looked back.

n e v e r.

I had your picture perfecly positioned, and framed on my little brown coffee table. Whenever I'd wake on summer mornings, the sun would come into my room and make the picture shine.

I .live. [to] .l.e.t. YOU ....shine.

chapter 1. "Hold Me"

"Hold me." I say softly.

The wind blows so hard I can barely breathe. He gives me a weak smile, but still finds it in his heart to hold me. Somedays, I think he has no heart. Somedays, I think I have it.. somedays. I used to be so sure of everything in my little world. Him, my future, my friends, my life, my condition, my ever-changing dispositions.. but i'm not sure of anything.

He lets go of me and walks slowly, shuffling his blac shoes against the cement. His appearance is of a gloomy state. He used to be so glowy, intense, spontaneous. Now, its as if I'm attached to an invisible boy.

"What's wrong?" I ask, burying my head in his shirt.

"Nothing. Don't worry yourself about it." he simply said, not looking at me and walking further.

He hurts me. Especially when he walks away from me. He used to let me bury myself in his shirt for hours because he thought it was "cute." Now I worry myself about what's wrong with him all the time. I used to know him so well. Inside and out. Up and down. Now it's like he's a stranger. Somedays I wish I would've left him that way.

flashback.

"Go talk to him." Sara said, getting all excited.

"Noooo. That crosses my line." I said.

I was not a flirty person. I was rather shy actually.

"Girl, if you don't go over there. I will make him come over here." Sara said, getting up.

"Fine. I will, I will, I will! Geez." I said, getting up and walking over.

I began walking. It seemed like I was walking miles instead of feet.

".......H-h..Hi." I said, trying to not show I was nervous.

"Well.. hello there." He said, smiling.

"Hi." I said.

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Riley." I simply said.

"Taylor." He said.

-

I should have just left. No, I had to talk to him for hours. He had to make me smile and laugh. He had to have those beautiful eyes that shone. The face that was angelic. He had to make me happy for 5 years and then confuse me half to death now. Of course.

"There is something on your mind." I said, turning him towards me. His big blue eyes were staring hard back at me. They were so sorrowful, it just wasn't something I liked. Something I had gotten used to with time, but nothing I was comfortable with.

"Didn't I tell not to worry about it? God... Riley, I'm fine! Stop asking me questions! Just... ah, just leave me alone." He yelled and turned back around.

I fell to the grass. The cold, hard grass. Why did he even come over if he was going to yell at me like this? Did he enjoy hurting me?

He NEVER u s e to do that.

"Why did you even come over here?" I asked, looking up through my tears.

"I don't even know anymore." He answered.

"Just leave. That's what I'm used to. I've grown to actually like it." I said and I left.

I heard him shuffling his feet through the grass. I slammed the door and sat on my sofa. I've had enough of this. I used to feel so compatible and close with him. We used to laugh for hours and hours on the phone together. Now it's as if we live perpendicular lives.

I HATE that.

I sat there in complete silence until...

KNOCK

KNOCK

KNOCK

I got up and opened the door.

chapter 2. "Sara."

"I'm leaving you alone, remember?" I say, swirling my eyes and leaving the door open.

"I don't see a point in an "us" anymore. We're not in love anymore. I mean, I know you're not happy. You're not happy with me. I can see it in your eyes you're-"

I gave him a look.

"I'm not happy with you? Maybe it's because you won't allow me to be happy with you. You don't allow me to look into your eyes anymore. You don't allow me to be with you period. I'm in love with you, Taylor.. the old you. Not this asshole." I say, and then run up the stairs.

A wind of disbelief follows behind me as I continue my rage up the stairs. I couldn't believe him. He was following me. I ran into my room, slammed my door, and landed on my bed. I was miserable.

He emerged in my doorway and I didn't even look at him. I pulled my covers up on my head so I wouldn't have to. For some odd reason it made me feel as if I was hidden from him. Then I felt him beside me. He began stroking my side and blowing softly in my ear. I hadn't felt him this close to me in such a long time.

It was like... old times.

He then turned my head towards him and gave me a soft kiss.

"I love you, Taylor." I whispered. "I love you more than anything in the world, I love you.. I love you more than air." I said, meaning every single word I said and I wanted to shout it at the top of my lungs.

That's when it all ended.

He got up and turned his back towards me. I suddenly felt a rush go up my spine. It was if there was a force of unbreakable air between us and he didn't care to break it down.

"I can't love you." he said.

"You know what? If you want to leave... go ahead. There's the door. Have fun." I simply said and turned on my side.

He ran his thin fingers down my back causing my heart to skip beats. He turns me to him, causing me to look into his hurtful, blue eyes.

"Fucking stop it, Taylor. Fucking stop it." I said, getting up. "Stop touching me. Stop drawing me in, luring me. Stop it. Fucking.. just stop it. Just fucking leave.

"I see this look in your eyes. That same look you gave me that day when I first saw you. It's beautiful." he said, running his fingers through my hair.

I looked at him and got out of my bed.

"Forgive me if I'm wrong, Taylor but, didn't you just tell me you couldn't love me anymore? Yeah, I recall about five minutes ago.. you sat right there and said, "I can't love you." I've had enough of your shit, Taylor. Honestly. Tell me the fuck now what has been going on in your damn head. Tell me now. I'm pretty sure I deserve to know. I kind of have given you 5 years of my life." I said, hands on my hips.

He makes a slight thinking look as if to really think about if he wants to tell me. He takes a few moments to ponder and then he finally looks into my eyes and says, "Sara."

I'm lost.

"What... about Sara?" I ask, getting more confused with words.

I searched his eyes for an answer but nothing came. He looked at me again.

"I've... been... with Sara." he answered.

I turned my back to him.

"Uhm. Okay then. You've been with my best friend. My best friend. Hm." I said, biting my lips.

I turned around and looked at him.

"YOU FUCKING WHORE! WHAT THE HELL!?! YOU CHEATING LITTLE BASTARD! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THREW OUR LIVES AWAY. I can't believe you. You little ass. You fucking ass." I said, at my boiling point.

"I'm sorry." He said, not sounding apologetic at all.

"I'm sorry means nothing. Especially coming out of that cheating, lying mouth." I said, about to open the door to kick his ass out.

The door opens and a bouncy Sara walks in.

"Hiiii Riley!! Oh.. am I interrupting.. any..thing?" She asked, looking at both of us.

I sat back and looked at her eyeing my man the way I used to. She had that little glimmer across the surface of her eyes. He seemed to look back at her in the same way, a sight I haven't seen for quite some time.

I remember those days.

"No Sara. You are just in time. We were just talking about you." I said, calmy

"Me..?" She said, swallowing.

"Yeah, you. Sara, my best friend in the fucking world. Take my life, while you're at it. You've done a fucking fantastic job at taking my man. Take everything else with it, along with your skanky ass." I said, pushing them out the door.

"But.. But.. Riley." Sara started to say.

"I could care less what you have to say, bitch." I said, slamming the door.

That was the end of my life.
The end... of everything.


It was like, while I was busy working up my love for him
he fell out of love for me?

When exactly did he become so stale & !!!!!!!!!!

ch. 3 "Move Along"

A few months have passed now and I have dropped out of school and began a new trend of smoking.

My parents got worried and sat me down about a week ago telling me that we were gonna move to Kansas.

..Kansas?

That's the best they could do? Why couldn't we have moved to somewhere far like Oregon? Better yet, why couldn't we have just moved to Canada? They even have a cool song.

"O, Canada!

I packed up all of my things and threw everything out in the car and it was time to leave finally.

goodbye sucky life.

hello even suckier one.

I got out of the car when we reached the destination.

It was so....... green.

I almost wanted to barf.. but I held it back for publicity sake.

I looked at the house and sucked on my cigarette, puffing air every once in awhile.

"So... this is what is such a damn big deal?" I asked, stomping my cigarette firmly into the ground.

My mother swallowed, trying to find an answer and then turned to my dad.

"No, you are what the big deal is. We are trying to make you happy whether you like it or not." My dad said, getting closer.

"Whatever.. like anyone actually cares about my feelings. He surely didn't.. what makes you think you are supposed to care about me too?" I said, walking my stuff into my new house.

"What are we going to do?" My mother asked.

"I'm all out of ideas." My dad said, walking to the car.