Tout Que Jai Besion Est Vous 42

In the morning you found that Mrs. Way had filled the basement with Welcome back balloons and cakes and coffee. day dawned too soon and you all ate breakfast  a real breakfast, not just a bowl of cereal, and caught up some more and told stories of your time on the street and on tour. You goofed off and got dressed in nice clothes.  You brushed your hair and Mrs. Way even helped you fashion it in a nice way. You were 24 and you wanted to look that way. 1

*Should we drive there* Gerard asked with a hopeful grin. You bit your lip.2

*Babe. I was wondering If I could go alone.* you looked at him and you saw his looked sadden but then turn to understanding. 3

*You’ve probably wanted to do this for a long time.* Gerard said holding you to him.4

*Yes. I have. And every time I’ve thought about it, I was alone and I just think it’d be best for him.* you said looking down at your feet.5

*Can I at least walk you?* Gerard said with a half grin.6

*Yes. Please do.* you swallowed and walked with him down the street. 15 minutes down the street you stood staring at the Victorian house. Paint falling off in chips. The old white lace curtains were old now, and stained yellow.  You stood staring at it. Your eyes widened.7

*I can’t do this.*  you turned and began walking down the sidewalk back towards Gerard’s house.8

*You’re never going to do it if you don’t do it now. It’s been 9 years. Are you really willing to put if off for one more day? I mean we already are right here you know. There’s no point in waiting. If all you have to do is walk 15 feet to the door. You can do this babe.* he had grabbed your hand and was talking to you. He was so sincere and it really made you feel better. *And if it’ll make you feel better. I’ll be waiting out here for you.* You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. And tried to slow down your heart beat a little. It was so loud it felt like if you let it any longer its jump out of your chest and run away. You closed your eyes and walked down the path. You looked down to Gerard who gave you an encouraging air knock.  You looked down at the door knob and knocked on the door.  You heard the door knob jiggle and you held your breath. A man in his forties poked his head out of the door. He was about 44. 9

*I don’t want any!* he growled.  He stepped back to slam the down but you put your foot into the door way and found a voice.10

*I’m not selling anything, Dad.* the man looked at you and furrowed his eyes.  He looked hard into you. A sort of mental paternity test.  Your eyes turned away.11

*Cassandra? Cassandra is that you?*  the man’s voice wavering on the brink of tears. You nodded your head and dug through your pockets. You held up a picture of your mother, Your Father, and yourself. 12

*Hold on a moment…I need to tidy up a bit. Don’t Run off.* he said. You stayed put looking down at Gerard who was still watching you.  You heard him bustle around and the clang of cans. Then the door slung open . Nothing moved. Everything was the same. The  furniture were exactly where they were when you left. The coffee machine was still out with burned coffee in the pitcher. Exactly where you left it. You stood still not feeling exactly welcome.  13

*So…where have you been for all these years?* he asked washing dishes.14

*California.* you answered.15

*All the ay over on the other side of the country? Is that why no one could find you. What made you come back over here?* he asked not even looking over his shoulder.16

*I’ve come to apologize. I wanted to say that all those times that I was never home. I wasn’t at school or at art camp. I was down the street with my friends. I spent the nights with them. Mostly everything I ever told you was a lie. I-*17

*I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hit you, I’m sorry I was such a bad father. I’m sorry your mother left because of me.  I’m so sorry I let you down. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m…so sorry.* Your dad had begun sobbing and you broke down in tears.  His entire body shook and you watched on helpless as a child. 18

*It’s ok.*  you still cried silently. All you ever wanted was an apology and you felt so guilty now that you finally got it.  It felt like there was nothing else to look forward to.  You held your breath and found the courage to go to his side. A child hood fear sparked a bit. Being within arms reach of him was always a bad idea. But you trusted him. You put a hand on his shoulder and hugged him. The last time you ever hugged him was when he told you we was going to stay sober.19

*So you aren’t sober anymore?* you asked him noticing a big trash bag full of cans.20

*No. I’m sober.* he explained. You pointed to the bag.21

*Then what are those?* he looked over  you at the bag.22

*Root beer. Beer gives me heart burn.* he laughed. 23

*Do you mind if I go into my room.?*24

*Yeah. It’s still where you left it.* he said while trying to regain his composure. You  hesitantly walked up the stairs.  Stopping at the door and putting a shaky hand on the door knob.  Once more you took a deep breath. You turned the knob and pushed the door open.  Light poured in through the window. You waited in the door way as if waiting for permission to enter. You stepped forward and closed the door. You looked around. The bed wasn’t made. There was still clothes on the floor. There was still a sweater on the vanity mirror you tossed over it before you left for a night with the guys. You looked around like it was a dream. You leaned to the window. It was unlocked. You smiled to yourself when it caught your eye. Black spray paint on the wall.25

‘I know you hate me, so I’ll stay out of the way. Bye Dad, you probably won’t even notice I’m gone. But this is your fault and I’m over getting hits, I never deserved this life, no one deserves getting beat for no reason.26

-Cassandra Duvall'27

You wrote that down so long ago. You were so naïve. You were so unstable. You were a brat. And stupid little sad sap. It had been so long ago. You hadn’t remembered what your last name was. It never really mattered out on the street. Out on the street you were only half a person. But now you had a life. You were one again a whole person. And will never have to go live on the streets again. There’s was nothing in this world that could take your name away from you now.  It was a bit odd.  You heard speaking  downstairs. You popped your head out of the door way and recognized the voice of Gerard. Your dad sounded really happy. And really excited.  You walked down the stairs  and walked  to the pair chatting like old friends.28

*Mr. Duvall would you like to come have dinner with my family and I? I think it’d be great if everyone finally met each other after so many years. Over a decade. * you walked behind Gerard and put your chin on his shoulder holding his hand you smiled at your dad.29

*Alright. I’ll go What time?*30

*around 7. You know where I live right?*31

*Yes. I know. You’re mother helps me with groceries ever’ once in a while.* he grinned.  You both said your goodbyes and left. Walking down the street Gerard hugged you.32

*I’m proud of you. Confronting your fears like that. You did it on your own. Did you finally get what you wanted?*  he held you as you walked through the crisp air. You remembered when Frankie had asked you the same thing. 33

*Yes. I did. He apologized…and he cried. And I cried and he hugged and caught up on some stuff. I checked out my room and then came down to you both talking.* you smiled feeling extremely proud of yourself. Feeling all grown up.  *What were you two talking about that made you so happy?* Gerard just grinned. 34

*I told him about kidnapping you from California and dragging you back up here. It made him happy. It made me happy.* you both were half way to the house when you moved out of Gerard’s reach and screamed.  *TAG YOU’RE IT!!!* and ran for your life to the house. You both poked and tagged the entire way home. And kept goofing around until you where in the living room. Mrs. Way looked at you hopefully making an Italian favorite. Spaghetti. 35

*Well Cassie how was it?* she asked boiling the noodles.36

*Can he come for dinner?* you asked laughing and sitting in the chair you always used to sit in. the flower wall paper still in tact. 37

*Well that’s what I was planning on!* she grinned. You laughed and went into the basement to play some video games. In the middle of playing Gerard left to go to the store with Ray and Mrs. Way to get some other ingredients and you played with Mikey’s bass. Learning a few songs.   When Mr. Way announced that your dad arrived you all went upstairs into the dining room and sat down.  You introduced your dad to everyone. And even gave him a tour of the Garage and Gerard’s room explaining that it the garage was ‘summer school.’ you both came back up and your father looked around the living room and looked at all the Al Pachino pictures. You laughed when your father said that there were more pictures of Al then there were of Gerard and Mikey.  Finally Mrs. Way and the boys came back Gerard went to the bathroom and Ray brought in his laptop goofing around with the internet. You laughed. At all the funny pictures of them he had stored on there.  He looked up tabs on the internet. MCR’s no doubt and laughed as he said. *That’s wrong…so’s that. And that is to .* Finally dinner was put on the table and everyone dug in. all partaking in friendly conversation.  Gerard was being outrageously quiet.  He leaned over and whispered.38

*Tout Que J’ai Besion est vous.* in your ear. You’d smile at him and held his hand under the table like children do. There was something everyone was hiding. And it really getting to you. Just as Mrs. Way set a gallon of Mint Chocolate chip ice cream on the table Gerard started talking. 39

*I went through a lot of things with You. You know…. And all that only made me love you more. No girl has ever given me as much trouble as you. I’m curious. So I just have to asked you…* he looked at you and you looked at him when he gave you your bowl of ice cream. You didn’t think much and waited for his question. Gerard had paused for a moment.  He dug into his pocket/ you held your breath.40

*Will you* you looked a t him. *pass me the milk?*  you looked over and laughed. You grabbed the milk and gave it to him. He stirred it in with his ice cream and ate it quickly. After 10 minutes everyone was finished and your father went home. Frankie, Bob, Ray and Mikey all went to sleep in Gee’s room with you and you all crashed out. 41