Over the Horizon Radar

Over the Horizon Radar1

I never could, and never will, forget that last day we spent together. True, our relationship was already on the brink of collapse by then, but apart from that, I loved it. I tried to ignore our arguments, our sour faces, our mean expressions. I tried to smile, but he wouldn’t smile back. I've written this down on a sheet of paper never to forget it. I'm going to store it a secret place, where nobody will find it. Honestly, I hope to never find it myself, either.2

Something that puzzles me is how some people forget stuff so easily. Important stuff, sometimes. It’s sort of like knowing that nobody really cares about you. Or me. Or anybody, really.3

People sometimes change. But they change into bad people, instead of better ones, thus making those that love them suffer.4

The beach was beautiful at redpoint. Jake was standing at my side. I think he was crying, but I’m not entirely sure. The colors were stunning, I felt moved just looking at them. At the sun. We were the only people on the beach at that stage. I saw drones, I saw love. I felt love, really, for him. I loved him. But I suspect he never really loved me, not the way I loved him. And still do.5

The Devil, I like to believe, lies in the details. Little things. Small things. Tiny things. Grins. Murmurs. Gestures. I think the Devil somehow had to do with what happened to Jake, but I don’t know why I think this. He wasn’t even a Christian.6

Even so, he changed. And he changed into a bad person. He was good, he was nice. But then he turned bad and caused those who loved him to suffer. Me.7

And who cared? Only a handful of people. Those who saw me weeping in the street, strangers, maybe even those friendly strangers who smiled sympathetically, probably never even remembered me by the end of the day. Nobody really gives a damn.8

So just as A is to B and B is to C, Love is to Hate. You move on from A to B. You move on from Love to Hate, you love, you stop loving, you start hating. And boy do I hate. I hate quite a few things, actually. I hate the drunk driver who killed Jake. I hate myself, for one reason or another. And I hate Jake, more than anyone or anything else, because I loved him.9

We had been having some problems, lately. Long rows. He slapped me once, but I deserved it that time. We were very mean to each other. And then one day, he decided to go to the beach, spend the day there. As if he knew he was going to die that very night. Small details, from where the Devil stares out.10

And he did die. A drunk driver ran him over just outside a Diving Station near the beach. 11

The day at the beach had been... well, different. We hardly said anything to each other. We let the sand talk all day, basically. The waves chipped in a couple of times, as did the seagulls that flew overhead. It was almost as though you could truly hear the waves speaking, as if you could feel the sky.12

And then he died. He was swept over the horizon radar, through a silent, magic window. A beautiful window. A window with details.13